THE CHRONICLE
Your Underground Newspaper of Choice
~*~*~

This paper has been through many... well, "edits". At first it was a happy, normal paper. Then it became the sarcastic, bitter war edition. But then I realized that the public didn't deserve something so crass, so I decided to try and find a medium. All because I love you. Awwww.

Either way, Issue Nine. Take it or leave it. DetChron is back after it's hiatus, and we're really looking forward to kicking some major ass.

Love me baby, love me,

Marietta
Editor
~~~

Breaking News
Something That Totally Just Happened Before We Went to Print

Okay, maybe not just before we went to print, but it's still news anyway.

New York does it again! Earlier today, Godfather ThomasRourke left his chambers in the jungle to announce that after his long time leader Premier had moved, he was granting his open position to one of his own. The public was excited to see that ScipitaRourke, local beautician and really good jail-buster, was given the keys to her very own HQ.

We here at the Chronicle wish Miss Rourke and her family, The Purring Tigers, our best wishes as they start their crew. Congratulations to the City that Never Sleeps on another fine addition!
~~~

AlfonsiTimello's Wipe Out
That Led to Many More Dead

Chicago. Detroit. Las Vegas. Los Angeles. New Orleans. New York. Philadelphia. No matter what side of the war you or your ancestors may have been on, what happened between June 11th and June 14th has left the entire world devastated, heartbroken and anguished.

Understandably we are a Detroit based newspaper, yet we also know we have obligations to our readers from all across the country. For that matter, we will leave any person slants or bias out of this article, and will simply report the bland, vanilla flavored facts. (Except that vanilla is actually yummy, so we hope you all appreciate this nonetheless.)

In 'laymen' terms, Godmother Marietta of Detroit and her family decided to take down Don AlfonsiTimello from Philly. Her reasons for which can be found in a transcript of her old street speech. Hours later, Godfather of Philly JimmyTheLionHeart attacked in retaliation at losing his Captain, and shot and killed Detroit Don Captain Cruel.

What happened from there was tragic; New York joined in at the bequest of Marietta. Documentation circulated that Chicago was planning on getting involved, so Godfather Adrian was shot by the Newtroit coalition as a warning to stay out. Chicago's leaders waylander and Snip decided to jump into the war, as well as New Orleans- headed by Godfather Brick_Pollitt, both cities siding with Philly. Don Odd of Philadelphia, however, opted to stay out.

It was not until after Godfather Jimmy was killed that Los Angeles, headed by Don Vicodin, decided to jump into the war- along with leader Brick from Chicago, to join the PhillyNewOrleansChicago side. Las Vegas Don ApolloJustice, after having a few of his members killed in the ordeal, decided to join in and side with Newtroit.

Over the next two and a half days the world held it's breath as both sides battled it out. We lost a handful of Godfathers and many more Dons and high ranking members of our world. Yet all was not bad; during the war we also saw the ascension of a new Godmother, as well as a handful of new auths. In the end, team Las Newtroit were claimed the bloody victors.

Whether you took part in it, loved it or hated it, the May-Flowers-Bring-June-Towers-Tumblin'-Down War brought many changes that our world will both need to adapt to and will benefit from. Time will only tell.

For more statistics and quick facts on the war, see below.
~~~

New in the Eight Cities
Bringing You Chatter from the Underworld

All of the active crime cities: All engaged in a battle royale where about 90% of our population was killed. Oh joy.

Saint Louis: Did fuck all. Smart Saint Louis.

Chicago: All is quiet on the Chicago front after the war. It's only a matter of time before we see it get fixed up, though.

Detroit: During the war and after Detroit saw some new faces to it's bold and beautiful line up. After the loss of Cruel and Mac, we saw the brief appearance of Doc_Santoro before he too was felled. Return_Of_Ghost, PedroRourke and Rhuarc have stepped into their new fancy Motor City shoes.

Las Vegas: Losing it's only leader during the war (ApolloJustice) took it's toll on the city. However, Las Vegas gained a few new shining stars in the form of their new Godmother, Aurora, and her crew the Northern Lights. Managing to keep her family and city safe during the turmoil, Miss Rodriguez Hernandez Gonzales Rourke is certainly off to a great start.

Los Angeles: Set in a state of disrepair, Premier became the new Godfather of L.A. and took the challenge of fixing it up. His first act was to set up new leader Judge_Holden to run operations underneath him.

New Orleans: After losing it's Godfather, Brick_Pollitt, the city has remained quiet. For now.

New York: ThomasRourke, after setting up a few new leaders in the form of Deimne and JamaicanMob_Marley, the man let go his long time leader and friend Premier (moving him to Los Angeles). The Godfather then set up longtime associate ScipitaRourke as a new Captain (more information above).

Philly: Odd took over the city after the death of Godfather Jimmy and Mister Timello, seizing this opportunity and setting up a multitude of Captains in the form of MrFCUK, Sidious and Gizaro.
~~~

Advice from Amy
Questions? She Can Answer!
Advice Column by Amy Annie Moose

Q: Dear Amy,
I'm a new leader to the underworld, and I'm finding it hard to get a spare moment to myself. I'm always having to do something in the HQ, or the Streets. I'm always obligated to answer letters or entertain people in the coffee shops. I just want to know, when does it end?
- Help

A: Help,
Welcome to the limelight. You're fucked, and there is no escape. As the old saying goes- "You can sleep when you're dead".
Best of luck!
Amy

If you would like to write to Amy, please send a letter to Advice from Amy, Care of Marietta
~~~

What One Nawlin'er Thought
Opinion Piece: 'The Stupid War'
By Anonymous

It was a steamy day in New Orleans and the heat weighed as heavily as the news that had just come via telegram. While crew leader Jonizzle and his right hand were in Saint Louis on a scouting expedition, Duke and his right hand Pickles were having a late business breakfast with Godfather Pollitt. Between bites of crepe and plans for the blossoming city a young courier dashed up and breathlessly handed twin telegrams to Godfather Pollitt and Duke. The was a long pause before the Godfather stood, pushing his chair back.

"You two get to your headquarters and keep the lines clear. I have a few calls to make."

Pickles gave her boss a look of frustration as they got into the back seat of his sedan. "Read the telegram, it explains it all." After scanning the telegram, Pickles felt her heart sink. Even though the death of a Philadelphia crew leader didn't have anything to do with them directly, the next couple of hours would be tense. Intoccabile headquarters began to fill as the news became common knowledge.

Duke paced, Pickles not far behind, taking notes as he began to plan. The phone rang off the hook and as Marc reached to answer for what seemed to be the hundredth time, a gun shot rang outside the gates of the compound and return fire could be heard. Marc hit the floor right as a bullet exploded through the window and ricocheted off of a brass plaque with Elegido's motto engraved on it.

"Intoccabile Headquarters Marc Jami- What? Yes sir!" There was a pause. "Duke, it's for you, Brick Pollitt!"

Despite the chaos there was a sudden silence. Duke stared through the broken window and out into the compound. Under a large weeping willow lay one of his bodyguards. The man was twitching as blood tricked from his mouth and nose. Forcing himself to look away, Duke focused on what Brick had to say. With little more said than "I understand." he handed the bell shaped ear piece and handset back to Marc.

"Intoccabile, today, we go to war."

There was much more to this war than anyone can ever really pull together but New Orleans got involved due to loyalty. Brick_Pollitt was given authority by Godfather Lionheart and up until a few months before this debacle, New Orleans was under the guidance and care of the aforementioned Godfather.

While we had to face down friends and in some cases, family, New Orleans grieved. This was not a war we wanted or wanted part in. Loyalty is a difficult word. Because many of us were loyal to our friends, fiancees, lovers and relatives who came from the "other side" and yet, due to blood oaths, we willingly sacrificed our lives for our Godfather.

New Orleans may be the saddest loss in this war because supporting our former Godfather was noble, but many of us felt as though we were dying in vain. Dying before the potential we knew our city had could be reached. Our feelings on the matter are mixed. What greater glory is there to die for those you love? And yet, there is the melancholy wish to perhaps died for a loftier goal or to have survived the battle and gone on to rebuild the Big Easy. To train it like a jasmine and watch it blossom in the heat of battle.

Much of New Orleans survived deep into the second day and were able to observe the other cities and how they acted and reacted. Detroit stayed mostly silent, their Godmother coming out a few times to refute accusations. Chicago and LA seemed to team up after New Orleans was wiped out and began to sling mud. New York returned their mud a hundred fold and sometimes ended up looking just as bad if not worse than their combatants.

Ultimately, the last day of the war was like watching a big, ugly crocodile fight. Teeth were lost, mud was thrown but everyone involved was in the swamp. As our parents looked down from heaven, I'm sure some of them were ashamed of what they saw.

In the end I hope New Orleans is remembered in death as they all tried to live in life. As well spoken, funny, kind and generous people who loved life and chose their deaths in support of the man who helped build their city.

No matter what side your or your parents fought on, New Orleans wishes those who passed to Rest in Peace and to those alive, "Que le bon Dieu vous benit!"
~~~

Quick Fix Stats
The Tallied Results of the War

While the accountant for our company could be put to much better use, we assigned him a project that was way below his pay grade. For your convenience, we tallied up the deaths of all mobsters of Made Man rank and above from the last war. Feast your eyes on the following:

4 Godfathers died.
19 Dons died.
19 Consiglieres died.
28 Bosses died.
36 Capos died.
86 Made Men died (sweet Jesus!).

Total high ranking members dead for Philly/LA/Chi/N.O.: 129.
Total high ranking members dead for Las Newtroit: 60.
1 person was untagged and unknown.

When you look at things this way, the detestation was much more extensive than any of us could have ever imagined. Keep in mind that we didn't even delve into the statistics of all the Wise Guys, Earners, Goombas and Gangsters that lost their lives during this bloody war as well.

Rest in peace to all those poor, unfortunate souls.
~~~

Famous Mobster Sightings
Who, What, When, Where and Why

Curious about what the more famous of our world get up to during the week? Here's a look at what we here at the Chronicle were able to capture. We focused in on new bolds because, let's face it, they're everywhere!

New Detroit Captain PedroRourke, sniffing his armpits covertly during a business meeting at a well known Motor City restaurant.

Godmother of Las Vegas, Aurora, exiting a Vegas Strip shoe store with Left Hand Tallien (carrying shopping bags) in tow.

Deimne, Don of New York, sitting in front of the monkey cage at the zoo. Was seen eating an apple, muttering to himself and staring intently (almost scarily) at the simians.

Rocking Detroit Captain, Rhuarc, being pulled over by police officials for driving too fast. Was heard saying "It's RHUARC, not ROURKE!".

From the Dark Side of Philly, Sidious, waving his hand in front of an associate. Was heard saying "These are not the drugs you are looking for".

Return_of_Ghost, new Detroit Don, walking outside of his headquarters in nothing but his skivvies. Stretched his arms over his head and scratched... places... before heading back inside.

New York's new leader, JamaicanMob_Marley, sitting on the steps of his HQ building, hurriedly hiding a stash of marijuana as a cop came strolling his way.

Philly leader MrFCUK, cussing out an associate on a truck raid. Sadly FCUK is dyslexic, so many words were lost in translation.
~~~

Restaurant and Business Review of the Week
Under the Scope: Philadelphia's The Darkside Tavern

Every week one of our reviewers will stop by a random (or suggested by readers like you!) business or restaurant in a random city and will share whether the place was dressed to impress or destined to flop. This week, while taking a stroll looking for cheese steaks, we ran into a popular joint in Philly called "The Darkside Tavern".

Opened in early June and still in it's honeymoon phase, The Darkside Tavern seems aimed to please. The owner is none other than Philly leader (and obvious entrepreneur) Sidious, who not only knows how to put together an appetizing menu, but seems to know a thing or two about marketing as well. For it's grand opening, the Tavern offered a free one million dollar give away to one of it's patrons.

Environment: Located in an old building, the Tavern has a bit of an exciting and creepy atmosphere about it. Cold stone makes up the walls and ceiling; the bar is as long as the premises itself, decorated with knick knacks of yesteryear. For the more prestigious of the crowd there's a back room called the "Spirit Lounge" where it is rumored that you can see or 'feel' ghosts.

Menu: Whatever you can think of, they've probably got it. With an extensive menu featuring a delectable steak tartare or lobster salad, your appetite is sure to get satisfied here.

Service: Fast and effective, which is no easy feat! With how many customers this place has seen already, it's amazing that the staff can keep on top of all the orders- but they do it with flair!

Clientele: You can catch almost anyone here, from new associates to high ranking mob officials. It is even rumored that Sidious himself still pops in from time to time, to make sure things are running smoothly.

Our rating: Five out of five stars. We were tempted to take a star off for the ghosts, but we realized that's not really their fault.

Congratulations to Sidious and The Darkside Tavern. If you too want to be one of the establishment owners reviewed, make sure that you have a large, lovely and booming business! Be on your toes, you never know when you'll be next!
~~~

Own a business? Want some free advertising? Contact Godfather Marietta today and your company could be featured in the next issue of The Chronicle!
~~~

Interview with a Leader
This Week: Chicago's late Godfather, Adrian
Interview by Reporter Miss R.

Each week the Chronicle will be interviewing leaders they find interesting or that have done something to impact the Underworld in some way. These leaders will be asked several questions about their career, personal life, as well as their plans for the future. Below is the transcript of the interview with the late Godfather Adrian. Hope you enjoy!

Miss R: Good afternoon, Godfather! Thank you for meeting with me!
Adrian: Good afternoon. It is my pleasure to be interviewed for your reputable newspaper.

M: Well let us get started then! Tell me, how did you find yourself in This Thing of Ours?

For the full transcript of this interview, please turn to Section A-5.
~~~

Have an odd job laying around that you need to get done, but simply don't have the time? Too busy to get that project off the ground, and need a helping hand? Contact Editor Marietta Rossi for free job advertising in The Chronicle.
~~~

This Week in LCN History
Mobster Events of the Past- TRIPLE DOSE!

Ever wonder what the Mafiosi of yester-year were up to? Well damn it, we'll show ya! Check out this what happened during the extremely busy, extremely bloody weeks of June 5th to the 25th.

June 7th: A day that will forever live in infamy. Or, at least to some. The son of the prior rogue Premeir, pulls out a stunning bloodline incog. Jonnie_Reese (Project Mayhem), the son in question, along with his friend Apathy and many other high ranking mobsters go for the glory and rogue against the regime at the time, known collectively as "CP". With aide from Larissa, Striphe_Corelli, Pantesus, ChrisPaul, and AnthonyGreen, the ReeseApathy coalition managed to take out some of the biggest leaders, including Major_Jerkovski (family name unknown, New York), _Rhuarc_ (family name unknown, Los Angeles) and Numbers4Glory (Sindacato dei Numeri, Philly). Los Angeles was set up as a safe zone, with rogues Ivory_Ice, TM_Scarface and Don_Corleone attempting to pull together the families to the best of their ability. Captain to Philly, Eyzlee, managed to hold a stable defense, with the help of 'authed rogues' SecondaryInfantry and Jean_Valjean.
Eventually the three leaders just mentioned were felled.

June 7th: The first thing that Reese did under his reign, along with the other leaders, was abolish the "Reference for Made Man" rule.

June 7th: In the early morning hours, Ned-Flanders rogued against the new regime. Apathy ended up dead. Was felled shortly thereafter.

June 8th: At the end of the turmoil, many things had changed yet some remained the same. Mr_47 (47 Enterprises) remained in Chicago, Animal (La Casa di Ombra and The Rinaldi Crime Family) remained in Las Vegas. Reese was given permission to stay set up in New York. Mobster TheLoveDoctor gained a crew in Los Angeles (The L.A. Cutthroats).

June 8th: The Mobster K-Dawg set up a family in New Orleans (United Nations).

June 9th: Leadfoot set up as a Captain to Animal in Las Vegas (Leadfoot Light Industries).

June 9th: Dirty_Henry_Jung set up as Mr_47's captain in Chicago (family name unknown).

June 9th: An urgent incoming announcement from City Hall tells the citizens that due to a thread in the Quilt of Fate breaking, those who lost their lives would be given a second chance at life. Basically, zombies would be flooding the underworld. Holy fuck.

June 13th: K-Dawg announces a new Captain, Callum (I.C.o.Ns or the Infidelic Cult of Nymphos).

June 13th: Reese and Animal formally announce the alliance between their two families: Project Shadow.
June 13th: Dirty_Henry, Chicago Captain, ends up dead.

June 14th: Mr_47, Chicago leader, ends up dead.

June 14th: Reese admits he killed captain Dirty_Henry_Jung, and that he and Animal killed 47 and 47 enterprises.

June 14th: Reese announces that Chicago will be open in two weeks time to any leader that wishes to set up, as a sort of contest.

June 18th: BillyBathtub (then Right Hand to Reese) regales the public with a tale about the successful zombie eradication.

June 18th: More rogues attempt to fell the new regime. DonShadow was one of the names recalled.

June 20th: WhiskerBiscuit is set up as the New York Project Mayhem captain. Is killed by a rogue shortly thereafter.

June 20th: Then Captain Callum attempts to take down Reese's NY family. Reese strikes back with help of K-Dawg's family (Right Hand PR_Rep's aide), and Callum falls.

June 20th: The popular paper 'The Mafia Tribune' is revived under a new editor; the first edition set sail that day.

June 21st: Iris (Java Cartel) is set up in NY as Reese's captain to replace WhiskerBiscuit.

June 21st: Animal announces then Captain Leadfoot is stepping down. Skulls (Animal's then Right Hand, The Renegades) is announced as the new Las Vegas Captain.

June 22nd: Shawty (Evolution Records) is set up as the second Captain to Jonnie_Reese.

June 22nd: TheLoveDoctor, then Los Angeles leader, is killed.

June 23rd: Captain for Jonnie_Reese, Iris, was moved to Philly. Vic_Mackey (-30- Incorporated) is authed to start a crew in Los Angeles.

June 24th: K-Dawg and the United Nations of New Orleans go to war with Jonnie_Reese and Project Mayhem of New York. Reese is the victor.
~~~

The Chronicle presents... Real Mobsters of Genius
(Real mobsters of geeeeniiiuuuuuus!)

A very special thank you to EdwardRossi for our RMOG topic this week!

Today we salute you, Mr. Maniacally Multiplying Mobster.
(Mr. Maniacally Multiplying Mobstaaah!)
This world is your mother fucking oyster. So why not enjoy it by assuming several different identities and taking the world by storm?
(Hey look we're all different!)
There is no one that can stop you. There is no cage that can hold you. You have figured this place out and are ready to dominate.
(I'm gunna be awesoooome!)
What's this? The Gods are on to you? No. No you're not the same person at all. Hey, don't touch my fake mustache. Stay the fuck out of my car.
(Dupe WAAAAAAAACKKKKKK!)
So have yourself a nice, hot mug of coffee, Identity Crisis. As long as you keep multiplying, City Hall will still have job openings.
(Mr. Maniacally Multiplying Moooobsstaaaaaahhh!)
~~~

Fill in the Blanks
Getting to Know Right and Left Hands

Every week we interview a leader, asking about all their hard work, fame and glory. Yet it is often seen that Right Hands and Left Hands are shunted to the side, when they put just as much time in as the Boss themselves. In this new section, we have asked three Right or Left Hands to fill in the blanks on a survey sheet. Their answers vary from the serious, to the hilarious to the just plain disturbing.

This week we caught up with the late and greats: Doc_Santoro of Detroit, Cindy_Rourke of New York and Eleviate of Philly. Below were their answers (respectively). Hope you all find them as enlightening as we did!

Doc_Santoro
My full name is Faustino Michele Santoro.
My close associates (or friends) call me "Doc" .
I am the Right Hand for Cruel in Redemption.
My official title in my HQ is Underboss/Event Coordinator.
One word to describe my Boss is hardworking.
My weapon of choice is 1932 Enfield Revolver.
One day I hope to establish my own chain of nightclubs across the country.
This one time on a bank robbery I forgot my gun.
Red is my favorite color.
I am content with killing people.
My relationship status is widower.
My favorite Right Hand duty is Orchestrating the family earnings flyer.
If I could live anywhere in the world, it would be no other place than Detroit.
My least favorite Right Hand duty is handling Cruel's mail.
If StripheVenzetti weren't such a cunt, I would totally be enjoying Muffdiving Mondays by now.

Cindy_Rourke
My full name is Cindy Lynn Rourke.
My close associates (or friends) call me Cindy.
I am the Right Hand for SirSammyRourke in The Nihilists.
My official title in my HQ is Consigliere.
One word to describe my Boss is ENTERTAINING.
My weapon of choice is my trusty dagger hidden in my..... OH MY!! said too much.
One day I hope to find true happiness.
This one time on a bank robbery I left my bra hanging on the safe door as a memento. Some bank manager must have love to seen that. Probably made his year.
Red is my favorite color.
I cherish killing people.
My relationship status is single but available to the right person.
My favorite Right Hand duty is getting to know to new members of the family.
If I could live anywhere in the world, it would be right where I am in New York the city that never sleeps.
My least favorite Right Hand duty is having to deal with some of the stupid questions you get daily.
If ForkRourke weren't such a Rourke, I would totally be Forking him by now.

Eleviate
My full name is Eleviate Del Toro.
My close associates (or friends) call me El.
I am the Right Hand for AlfonsiTimello in Badland Bullies.
My official title in my HQ is Right Hand Man.
One word to describe my Boss is Legend.
My weapon of choice is love. (I am all about the lurve)
One day I hope to make Capo.
This one time on a bank robbery I spotted Bumblebee in the corner have a crafty. He had only gone and done it in his missus tights and put the gusset near his nose.
Blue is my favorite color.
I hate killing people.
My relationship status is single.
My favorite Right Hand duty is talking to the family.
If I could live anywhere in the world, it would be Maldives.
My least favorite Right Hand duty is rushing around collecting cash.
If crimes weren't such a profitable enterprise, I would totally be shagging all of Hollywood by now.
~~~

Weather
What Your Local Forecast is Saying

Do a little dance... make a little weather! Get down tonight!

Chicago:
After a stormy Friday, expect a sunny rest of the weekend. Lucky Chicago!

Detroit:
Thunderstorms on Friday barely clear up, leading to a partly cloudy Saturday and Sunday.

Las Vegas:
Lucky Vegas! Enjoy your purely sunny and hot summer weekend!

Los Angeles:
Though Friday and Saturday are sunny, Sunday brings about a bit of cloudy and cold. Plan accordingly!

New Orleans:
A mostly sunny weekend? I don't believe it! Where are the thunderstorms?!

New York:
Oh, there they are. A mostly cloudy Friday leads into a stormy Saturday, ending with showers all Sunday.

Philly:
Friday is mostly cloudy, and no wonder why! Saturday and Sunday will be rainy.

Saint Louis:
Thunderstorms galore all weekend. Take cover, STL!
~~~

Topic of the Week
What's on Everyone's Mind?

Every week we will ask seven people, one from every heavily populated crime city, to fill out a questionnaire, asking for their opinions on the subject at hand. They will be asked three questions each, and we at the Chronicle expect to receive a variety of responses!

The subject of the week: Many changes have appeared in our world over the past few weeks. Lets get your opinion on a few of them.

(Answers were posted in the order they were received.)

Chicago and Las Vegas were unable to participate, as the selected interviewees were killed before the responses were received. Most of the following interviewees also perished after responding, yet as they went through the effort to help me I'm going to use this segment anyway. Rest in peace to all those who lost their lives.

For the rest of this article, please turn to Section B-3.
~~~

DetChron Loves Them Some Auths
Gimme Gimme, Philly, Detroit and New York

When leaders get thrown down and families get torn apart, there really is only one course of action for the remaining leaders: build up a new one!

And after this latest war, the remaining cities have done more than just that!

The first Captain came in the form of MrFCUK in Philadelphia. A longstanding and effective member of Odd's crew, FCUK opened up his branch of the SPIRIT headquarters, 'Il Mafioso Della Notte'.

Noting that crews were dying faster than they were springing up, Odd took another one for the 'team' and authed high ranking SPIRIT member Sidious as another Captain. He opened up the doors to his crew, 'The Darkside', to much celebration.

Long time loved lady of Detroit Aurora was moved to Las Vegas shortly thereafter, where that minx wasted no time knocking on the current Godfather's door and wiping the floor clean with him. The Northern Lights took the Vegas strip by storm shortly thereafter, aiding in the war efforts on behalf of Newtroit and kicking some ass for their own benefit on the way.

After the war, Detroit saw two new Captains simultaneously in the forms of PedroRourke and Return_of_Ghost, both members of the Motor City inner circle and former Right and Left Hands for Captains Mac and Cruel (respectively, may they rest in peace). Pedro took his former family name, Retribution, while Ghost aptly named his crew Revival.

Godfather ThomasRourke, not to be outdone, set up his then Right Hand Don Deimne, a hardworking young man who now leads a sector of the New York Jungle named 'The Flying Monkeys'.

Answering back, Godmother Marietta of Detroit set up their local handyman Rhuarc, an enthusiastic Consigliere who now leads the Captain faction 'The Reprobates'.

Unsurprisingly, with the homeless snapping up the employment faster than they could keep up, New York authed JamaicanMob_Marley to give people a little more opportunities. He now heads up The Supreme Court of Smoking Pot.

Last, but certainly not least, Odd and Philly finished off this musical chairs round of auths by giving gizaro a shot at leading his own Captaincy crew. He now runs I Fantasmi di Spirito Mafia out of the City of Brotherly love.
~~~

Nobody Expects the Spanish Inquisition
Tome Eso, Perras

Life has been almost a Cinderella-esque story for the new Godfather of Los Angeles. From one of the most feared and disrespected bloodlines, to one of the most revered and respected, Premier's example, for many, could be almost like (if not better than) the story of The Little Engine That Could.

Working in New York for Godfather ThomasRourke, Premier tried desperately to throw off the stigmata of his forefathers when he was one of the first experimental 'purchase auth' participants in the City that Never Sleeps. Yet he kept his head down and worked hard; an excerpt from an interview our own DetChron had with the man (Issue Seven) had him stating about the matter: "I mean sometimes it's upsetting that some people can be so childish but it just makes me do better and go harder. You can hate me all you like, but really when I ask 'why', the only thing you can say is 'oh years and years ago (your bloodline) did this.' Well God killed the dinosaurs 300 million years ago, you still hate him!? Some people need to just grow up; their hate and words don't really affect me. I just don't want it to run over into my crew, like trying to hurt them to get at me, would be the biggest affect it could have. But all in all I only got one thing to say to them. 'Kick Rocks'."

After busting his ass off the man was named Thomas' Numero Uno Crew Leader, where he gladly took over and enforced such projects as the New York auth program and 48 Hour Rule.

An integral part of the latest war (and extreme help to Las Newtroit's side), Premier was surprised when after the dust had settled, Thomas offered him his own city.

The man immediately picked Los Angeles; the city in the worst shape and in need of the most care. And so the Spanish Inquisition sailed into town. Unsurprisingly, not long afterward, Premier exited the Godfather's office after having thrown some pocket change as the new City of Angels hero.

Judge_Holden, faithful crew member, was named Premier's successor, now heading up the family that has been renamed Gran Circulo de Chido.

Best of luck to these two men and their families as they clean up California. We here at the Chronicle give you two thumbs up!
~~~

Obituaries and Retirements
Rest In Peace

A section where we respectfully honor and highlight the lives lost of those Made Rank and up. Since there were far too many deaths this week, we will only be specifically writing eulogies for those who were of Crew Leader status. Everyone else will be listed in a separate memorial.

Snip
Don and Captain for the Windy City, Snip's life ended at the end of the war, thereby concluding the entire fiesta. Rest in peace, Snip and the Valhalla.

For the rest of the obituaries, please turn to Section C-5.
~~~

Money Money Money
Money Give Away!

The Editor has too much money. More than she knows what to do with sometimes. What better way than to reward readers of The Chronicle?

Everyone who purchased a copy of the paper last edition had their personal information taken down by one of our salesmen. Their names were put into a hat, and from there we were surprised! Mostly everyone was dead! What way was that to try and draw names of the dearly departed out of a hat?

So, being the bat shit crazy paper we are, we at the Chronicle decided that this week, everyone who was still alive was a winner- in more ways than one! All of these people have become winners of 100K each!

And this week's winners were...

Grassboy, ScipitaRourke, JamaicanMob_Marley, Gizaro, Odd, Paul_Walker, TM, Sidious, Uncle_Sam, Sunkist, Frank_Blazini, Ruaidhri_M, ThomasRourke and Deimne!

Congratulations! The money has been wired to your bank accounts. Enjoy!

Remember to buy your copy of The Chronicle. You never know- next week you would be a winner!
~~~

Nice Recipes for Hardcore Mobsters
Because We Can Enjoy Good Food Too

This week definitely feels like a dessert week. Blood and guts just a'int the same if you can't enjoy some nice, warm Coffee Cake afterward!

What You'll Need:
For the Cake
* 4 egg yokes
* 4 egg whites
* One fourth cup of sugar
* 45 grams of almonds, minced
* Half a teaspoon of vanilla
* 3 teaspoons of instant coffee dissolved in;
* 4 teaspoons of boiling water (let it cool)
* 30 grams of flour
* Coffee grains bathed in chocolate finely grated chocolate

For the Cream
* 1 cup of thick whipped cream
* 1 teaspoon of instant coffee dissolved in
* 2 teaspoons of boiling water (let it cool)
* 1-2 tablespoons of glazed sugar
* 2 tablespoons of coffee liquor

Directions:
To make the dough, simply whip the egg yokes and sugar until they cream. Add the almonds, vanilla and dissolved coffee.

Then, whip the egg whites until they snow peak. Sift the flour over the whipped egg yokes and mix it with the egg whites until they snow peak. Pour this dough in a greased mold (20 cm diameter) and bake for 20-25 minutes or until its completely cooked. Leave 10 minutes in the mold; later flip over a grid and let it cool off completely.

Now for the coffee cream; Whip the cream, dissolved coffee, sugar, and coffee liquor together in a bowl. Horizontally cut the baked bread in half and spread some of the coffee cream to join both halves. Spread the rest of the cream over the sides of the bread. Decorate the bread with the chocolate grains and grated chocolate. Place the coffee cake in the refrigerator and serve in slices.
~~~

Horoscopes
Since They're So Friggin Popular

Want to know what the week holds? Well we can't tell you that. Get a glimpse about how it might turn out, though:

Aries (March 21st through April 19th):
The world isn't ending this week, Aries, but your social life definitely is. The retrograde in Jupiter opens your eyes to some of your more prominent friendships, and to be honest- you won't like what you see! Turn instead to your home and family life for comfort during this strange time.

To find your horoscope, please turn to Section D-7!
~~~

Thank you for reading the ninth edition of The Chronicle! Our staff really hopes you enjoyed it! We are always available to answer your questions at any time. Please contact the editor, Marietta, with any concerns you may have.
Editor: Marietta

If you would like to write for the Chronicle, please contact Marietta for more information and to set up an interview asap!

Visit us in the coffee shops in #detchron

I LOVE THIS FUCKIN THING

I think its time to for the owners of this paper to take over "The Mafia Tribune".

The best issue yet!!

I think its time to for the owners of this paper to take over "The Mafia Tribune".

Couldn't have said it better meself. Great reading!

Great read as always!

THis is the shi when does the next article come out.

good read as always, well done.

Excellent read!  The recipe confused me a little, is it British? 

Either way, the articles and regular sections were worth the wait! Good job!

Bwahaha love every copy more and more!

It's a fine work. Keep the good work up, Detroit Chronicle's staffs. You all made the Info more better to read.

A wonderful addition to the stack of Chronicles that I save.  Godmother your talent for writing is close to God status.  Thanks also to whomever wrote the touching New Orleans memorial.  It was the perfect way to immortalize the city that could have been.

I love the chronicle. Great job with this complex edition. Keep the issues coming I can read them again, and again, and again.

Marietta, I have to agree with some of the others, this is your best edition to date.

You have really out done yourself!

We'll done!

What an excellent read really enjoyed it

Recro pops out  early in the morining collects the paper from out front of the shop, opens it up.

"hmmmmmmmmmm"

sits down sips his coffee, takes a  couple hours reading the paper inside and out, what a great read.

I always love reading the paper, cant wait till the next one is out.

This paper is so awsome. I always look forward to reading this paper :)

Well done mom. Your a natural paper writer.

Its a good read as always!

Always amazing and surprising Godmaher Marietta.

an Excellent effort, and Thanks to everyone who particepated in producing such a Chronicle.