THE CHRONICLE
Your Underground Newspaper of Choice
~*~*~

NOTE: Yes. We know this edition was printed late. Forgive us, please and thanks.

I would say we're all fairly excited about the fact that this weekend celebrates the independence of our country.

But, knowing at least half of you, I'm pretty sure you all don't care what day it is as long as you get to blow stuff up.

Have fun, underworld. Happy 4th.

BOOM,

Marietta
Editor
~~~

Promises, Promises
New Chicago Leader Makes a Bold Start

June 30th marked a proud day for the Windy City. After being vacant since the "May Flowers Bring June Towers Tumblin' Down" War, this gem of a city was finally given a leader to love for it and care for it once more.

Former Philly Captain, Sidious, was granted the keys to the City's underworld and upon his initial speech after the move hit the world with a wave of excitement: this was a man with a plan. After not having a direction to travel in for quite some time, this new City Head seemed to make quite the impact with his Chicago Restoration Plan.

Mobsters from all over the country were delighted as they listened to Sidious outline his goals and ideals for his new home. Taking care to discuss each point with his audience, it was clear to many- and especially to us here at DetChron- that Chicago has finally met it's match.

From becoming one-hundred percent pick-pocketing allowed, to restructuring the business district and unveiling a new 'Chicago Crackdown Challenge', we want to thank Sir Sidious for taking the time to make an impression on his new city so early on in the game. Here's to many successful turns as a City Head. Congratulations!
~~~

New in the Eight Cities
Bringing You Chatter from the Underworld

Chicago: Former Philly leader Sidious was given the nod to uproot and relocate to the Windy City, where he is already off to a great start due to his many plans, ideas and a successful bout of 'Chicago Crackdown Challenges'. (More information is above.)

Detroit: All is quiet with the RIOT!. Don Captain Death-Knight kicked off two contests this week. Be sure to participate!

Las Vegas: Godmother Aurora announced her first Captain in the form of a young man named Tie. More information on Tie can be found below!

Los Angeles: Godfather Premier is keeping his activity up, and showed the world such by authing his second Captain- Sherlock. (More information below!)

New Orleans: Still empty as ever, but surely not for long!

New York: Leader Deimne set up his own first Captain this past week in the form of enthusiastic mobster brandon_heat.

Philly: After saying goodbye to Captain Sidious, Philly is back in the saddle and ready to kick some booty again!

Saint Louis: Almost blew up their city after trying a risky maneuver with fireworks. Let's not discuss it.
~~~

Advice from Amy
Questions? She Can Answer!
Advice Column by Amy Annie Moose

Q: Amy,
The Chronicle was gone for almost forever. Where the hell were you guys?!
Sincerely,
Your Biggest Fan

A: BF,
(Which, by the by, can stand for MANY things.)
Look, sometimes we need a little break from the printing gig. We work every day every week, and to be blatantly honest the staff wanted a vacation. Not to mention the Editor was running around everywhere bawling her eyes out and blowing her nose on everything and whining about 'ROUUURRKKEEEEY'.
Either way, appreciate the fact that we're back.
Sincerely,
Don't Care

Q: Good afternoon, Amy,
It's always been a dream and passion of mine to run my own city. I know you answered a question similar to this a few weeks back, but I was wondering if you had any new advice or perspective on the situation.
Thanks in advance for the help.
- Grade-A Leader

A:Grade,
Look, I get that a lot of people want to run their own cities, but it's not all about magic tricks and glory and happiness and the whole nine yards.
People think that by speaking in the streets, or running contests, or making good with all the Godpeople are the way to go. Yet, it's not that which makes someone a good candidate for being a city head.
As my good friend said to me the other day, "It's not all the Street activity and politics that make people a good candidate. The good candidates are those who understand why those things are important."
Think about it,
Amy

If you would like to write to Amy, please send a letter to Advice from Amy, Care of Marietta
~~~

New York is Bringing the Heat
Brandon Heat, That Is
Article by Matt Haas

The city of New York welcomed its newest leader on June 28: Mr Brandon Heat. Don Deimne introduced his captain, stating that the man has "drive, determination, and motivation" that will allow him to excel in his new role.

Brandon Heat is the first of his bloodline to achieve the honor of running a crew, though Don Deimne has faith that the man will do well under his mentorship. He also made allusions to future plans for the new auth, stating "this gentleman will go on to achieve and better the lofty goals I have set for him."

Heat is calling his crew the Millenion division of Don Deimne's Flying Monkeys. According to him, the crew will have superlatively high standards and will positively represent New York and his bosses.

This will be the first captain for Don Deimne since he was promoted to his current role by Godfather Thomas Rourke on June 15.
~~~

Famous Mobster Sightings
Who, What, When, Where and Why

Curious about what the more famous of our world get up to during the week? Here's a look at what we here at the Chronicle were able to capture.

New Left Hand for ScipitaRourke in New York, Beowulf, brokering a back alley deal for a large shipment of fireworks.

Detroit citizen Silvio, giggling to himself as he placed a lit firecracker in the tailpipe of his Boss, Death-Knight's car.

sultry, Philly inhabitant, at a local boutique asking for "red high heels". Was talking about finding the shade to match a dress of hers.

New New York Captain, brandon_heat, waving a stick at youngsters as they passed by his HQ shooting off fireworks.

Mobster from Philly, Nutszo, sulking on the front steps of Odd's HQ. Was muttering about not being invited to a 4th of July shindig.

Tie, New Las Vegas Captain, celebrating Dominion Day. Not a lot of people knew what that was until recently.

Los Angeles Captain, Sherlock, investigating up several female's dresses while standing in the park on the evening of the 4th.

Las Vegas Made Man Booey, spending his Independence Day indoors gambling at the blackjack table.
~~~

Restaurant and Business Review of the Week
Under the Scope: New York's Finest Ice Creamery

Every week one of our reviewers will stop by a random (or suggested by readers like you!) business or restaurant in a random city and will share whether the place was dressed to impress or destined to flop. This week, while stuck in New York during the holiday festivities, we took a break from the hot weather at "New York's Finest Ice Creamery".

Opened only weeks ago and already a booming business, New York's Finest Ice Creamery boasts exactly what you want in it's title- the best ice cream available. Owned by well-known mafiosa Deimna, this place is the perfect way to cool off from this brutal July weather.

Environment: Quaint and cute, just as every ice cream shoppe should be. With covered seating on an outdoor patio as well as a bar with stools lining the far wall, this place can definitely hold everyone and anyone who is out craving ice cream. Quiet and fun, you'll have no problem relaxing and enjoying your treat.

Menu: With several flavors to boast from and several dishes to put them in, you'll have no problem ordering exactly what you need to hit the spot. Fair pricing makes the menu just oh-so much sweeter.

Service: Quick and effective. These employees don't mess around when it comes to scooping and getting you your fix- fast!

Clientele: Just about anyone can be caught here. Several high ranking underground members (including Don Deimne) have been rumored to catch dessert here. You'll fit in all the same.

Our rating: Three out of five stars. This place is definitely on it's way to success, but with how young it is we have reservations about giving out too many stars. Either way, months from now it'll see those extra two stars- and a huge margin of profit!

Congratulations to Deimna and New York's Finest Ice Creamery. If you too want to be one of the establishment owners reviewed, make sure that you have a large, lovely and booming business! Be on your toes, you never know when you'll be next!
~~~

Own a business? Want some free advertising? Contact Godfather Marietta today and your company could be featured in the next issue of The Chronicle!
~~~

Interview with a Leader
This Week: Las Vegas Godmother, Aurora
Interview by Reporter Miss R.

Each week the Chronicle will be interviewing leaders they find interesting or that have done something to impact the Underworld in some way. These leaders will be asked several questions about their career, personal life, as well as their plans for the future. Below is the transcript of the interview with the new Godmother Aurora. Hope you enjoy!

Miss R: Good evening, Godmother! Thank you very much for meeting with me tonight!
Aurora: Thank you for having me.
Miss R: I know you are a very busy woman, so I'll try to make this quick and painless.

For the full transcript of this interview, please turn to Section A-5.
~~~

Have an odd job laying around that you need to get done, but simply don't have the time? Too busy to get that project off the ground, and need a helping hand? Contact Editor Marietta Rossi for free job advertising in The Chronicle.
~~~

This Week in LCN History
Mobster Events of the Past

Ever wonder what the Mafiosi of yester-year were up to? Well damn it, we'll show ya! Check out this what happened during the extremely contest-y week of June 26th to July 2nd.

June 27th: Jonnie_Reese's (New York, Project Mayhem) Chicago contest officially kicks off today. Competitors are required to stay in the city of Chicago, vote themselves a head of their leader council, and come up with a few ideas for their new city.

June 27th: Chicago competitor Alessia sets up her family (La Famiglia dei Guardiani).

June 27th: Chicago competitor Dumont sets up his family (The Executive Branch).

June 27th: Chicago competitor nosenseofremorse sets up his family (The Peoples Front of Chicago).

June 28th: Chicago competitor Mahoney sets up his family (The Academy).

June 28th: Shortly thereafter, nosenseofremorse is voted the Head of the Chicago families.

June 28th: The same day, Animal (La Casa di Ombra) becomes the official Don of Las Vegas.

June 29th: Reese removes (Kills) Dumont from contest for shooting and killing Mahoney, as well as RileyFreeman (competitor who had only briefly set up- family name unknown). nosenseofremorse takes a prowack just in case and dies due to gun failure.

June 30th: Alessia is named winner of Chicago contest- as she is the only leader left standing.

Juine 30th: Animal announces a new contest for potential New Orleans leaders.
~~~

The Chronicle presents... Real Mobsters of Genius
(Real mobsters of geeeeniiiuuuuuus!)

Thank you to EdwardRossi, again, for the topic this week!

Today we salute you, Mr. Remedial Rampaging Rogue Guy.
(Mr. Remedial Rampaging Rogue Guy!)
See that empty city over there? We do too. Yet it calls to you, like a siren in the night. Like a nightingale in the morning. Any time of day, actually.
(I wanna live there!)
You're going to claim that city and make it yours. Who cares if you don't have permission from your Boss? You'll just buy out and fly there on the next private jet.
(First class means luxury!)
Well look here- an empty building! You'll buy it and set up your own headquarters. Who cares if this makes you a bigger target for hitmen? This is your city! Wait- was that gunfire?
(Forgot my pro-WAAAAAACKKK!)
So have yourself a nice, hot mug of coffee, Oblivious Bold. The rules are there for a reason, pal, and that's to avoid death.
(Mr. Remedial Rampaging Rogue Guuuuuyyyyyyy!)
~~~

Fill in the Blanks
Getting to Know Right and Left Hands

Every week we interview a leader, asking about all their hard work, fame and glory. Yet it is often seen that Right Hands and Left Hands are shunted to the side, when they put just as much time in as the Boss themselves. In this new section, we have asked three Right or Left Hands to fill in the blanks on a survey sheet. Their answers vary from the serious, to the hilarious to the just plain disturbing.

This week we caught up with RedHood of Los Angeles, Ceelo of Detroit and WilliamDeSantis of Philly. Below were their answers (respectively). Hope you all find them as enlightening as we did!

My full name is Pena Little Red Riding Hood Castilla.
My close associates (or friends) call me Red or Hood.
I am the Right Hand for Godfather Premier in (no one expects the) Spanish Inquisition.
My official title in my HQ is The Prettiest.
One word to describe my Boss is HOT!
My weapon of choice is my devilish grin.
One day I hope to be the bravest little soldier.
This one time on a bank robbery in Australia I saw Matt_Haas trying to sex a Koala.
Red is my favorite color.
I have a degree in killing people.
My relationship status is SO unavailable.
My favorite Right Hand duty is kicking everyone's butts into gear.
If I could live anywhere in the world, it would be the home country - Venezuela.
My least favorite Right Hand duty is talking to Gaius.
If Aurora wasn't such an innocent angel, I would totally be taking advantage of her by now. Rawr!

My full name is Ceelo Goodie.
My close associates (or friends) call me Car Belly, Cee-lo green.
I am the Right Hand for HydroPhonic in Reckless Hearts.
My official title in my HQ is Trash Man.
One word to describe my Boss is Greatness.
My weapon of choice is My family.
One day I hope to get Don.
This one time on a bank robbery I farted and it really stunk. And to make it worse we was in the vault.
Greeny green green is my favorite color.
I LOVE killing people.
My relationship status is cool.
My favorite Right Hand duty is taking out the trash.
If I could live anywhere in the world, it would be Alaska.
My least favorite Right Hand duty is MASS mailing.
If Khujo weren't such a girl, I would totally be king of passing out by now.

My full name is William Edward Berbatrov Desantis.
My close associates (or friends) call me Behemoth.
I am the Right Hand for FCUK in Philly.
My official title in my HQ is RHM, I asked for supreme being who sees and knows all but all I got was RHM.
One word to describe my Boss is Touchy, the hands on kind.
My weapon of choice is a Staple gun.
One day I hope to walk on the moon.
This one time on a bank robbery I slipped and face planted in front of the guards, they just laughed.
Pink is my favorite color, and what?
I Detest killing people.
My relationship status is Complicated.
My favorite Right Hand duty is the weekly bath with my wonderful boss, full body scrubs included.
If I could live anywhere in the world, it would be Machu Pichu.
My least favorite Right Hand duty is doing FCUK's nails, bad times.
If FCUK weren't such a hussy, I would totally be one of his wives by now.
~~~

Weather
What Your Local Forecast is Saying

Happy Independence Day America!

Chicago:
A partly cloudy Fourth of July weekend, Chicago. Don't worry though, because with temps in the lower 80's it will still be hot hot hot!

Detroit:
A partly cloudy weekend much like Chicago, Detroit. Expect temperatures of mid 70's all weekend.

Las Vegas:
A mostly sunny Friday leads into a bright and sunny Fourth, as well as the Sunday after it.

Los Angeles:
While your Friday may start out partly cloudy, the Fourth and Sunday will be sunny and warm for you all!

New Orleans:
A partly cloudy Friday leads into thunderstorms for the rest of the weekend. Enjoy the show- it's cheaper than fireworks!

New York:
While thunderstorms take up most of your Friday evening, the rest of the weekend will be partly cloudy and warm.

Philly:
While this entire weekend is partly cloudy, it at least will be warm for you!

Saint Louis:
Scattered thunderstorms the entire weekend. Deez.
~~~

Topic of the Week
What's on Everyone's Mind?

Every week we will ask seven people, one from every heavily populated crime city, to fill out a questionnaire, asking for their opinions on the subject at hand. They will be asked three questions each, and we at the Chronicle expect to receive a variety of responses!

The subject of the week: Due to an unmarked and unknown Wise Guy dying this past week, we considered the merits (or lack thereof) in 'buying out'.

Due to piss poor planning on the reporter's part, Detroit and Las Vegas were unable to participate this week. Our apologies to the Motor City and the City of Sin. New Orleans was obviously not available for comment either.

For the rest of this article, please turn to Section B-3.
~~~

The City Assessment
Your Chance to Speak Out- Anonymously!

We here at DetChron know that life can be difficult sometimes for the little guy out there. The ones that work day in and day out for their family. The ones that hope against all hope that someday they'll be noticed, that they'll get the tap on the shoulder and become something important to the city they live in and love.

Yet, until that happens, we know how frustrating it can be to have ideas and suggestions but no where to turn with them.

No longer, folks!

Here is your chance to speak out and share your innermost thoughts.

This will be closed within five days, so make sure you get in and share your thoughts! Only constructive criticisms will be shared.

Note to the current City Heads and Crew Leaders- if you want to receive the feedback and information we get here, please contact our Editor, Marietta, and she will do her best to assist you in this matter!

So get speaking, Mobsters! This may be your only chance!
~~~

Obituaries and Retirements
Rest In Peace

A section where we respectfully honor and highlight the lives lost of those Made Rank and up.

Made Men
Made_Man_Hopkins, Judge_Holden
Greywolf, Odd
_JohnnyTheMan_, Odd
Leone_, Sidious
Sceadungegan, Odd
JenifferAlison, Odd

Capos
Parasite, HydroPhonic

Bosses
LittleSaledoLittleSaledo, Odd
Ricky_Dicardo, HydroPhonic
~~~

No Shit, Sherlock
New Los Angeles Captain Has Arrived

Though it had only been days since he had moved to his new city, Godfather Premier was determined to fast track the recovery and rebuilding of Los Angeles. One way to do this, we found out, was by authing one of his associates as a Captain- a man by the name of Sherlock.

Godfather Premier was heard in his official statement on June 27th as having said- "His blood line has been around for quite some time, and it's now his time to do great."

Mister Sherlock himself has yet to say much on the matter, though thus far he has been extremely active and has been a large help to Los Angeles.

We here at the DetChron want to welcome and congratulate Sherlock and The Sekrit Kru of Internet Sluts. Here's to a successful campaign as Captain.
~~~

Money Money Money
Money Give Away!

The Editor has too much money. More than she knows what to do with sometimes. What better way than to reward readers of The Chronicle?

Everyone who purchased a copy of the paper last edition had their personal information taken down by one of our salesmen. Their names were put into a hat, over thirty names total!

Per usual, three names were drawn and selected. These three people have been named winners of 100K each!

And this week's winners were...

Calibre, -Mannybivera- and Starshine!

Congratulations! The money has been wired to your bank accounts. Enjoy!

Remember to buy your copy of The Chronicle. You never know- next week you could be a winner!
~~~

Canadian Auth Found in Vegas
Does the Strip Take Maple Syrup As Payment?
Article by Matt Haas

Editor's Note: Mister Haas' original title was overruled by our Kingdom Court of Editorial Staff Awesomeness. You may proceed.

Las Vegas has always been known for its peculiarities and this week was no exception. On July 1, Godmother Aurora announced that her family's first captain would be none other than the Canadian Tie, previously of Godfather Premier's Los Angeles. This marks the first time a Canadian has been given the captaincy in Las Vegas, a proud point for the new auth.

The first division of Las Vegas' Northern Lights has been named the Street Kingdom. Tie was elusive about his plans for the new crew, saying "I don't really have any [concrete plans] at the moment." He went on to say that he intends to bring activity to the streets and will be making an announcement about the role the Street Kingdom will play soon after building his headquarters.

It has been more than three weeks since Godmother Aurora first declared that her family would not be expanding immediately, citing her desire to give the positions to "the right people." It appears as though she has found the man that "will flourish and thrive" in Las Vegas.

Tie is a direct descendant of The Captain, whose New Blood Rising ran Las Vegas generations ago. The man draws his inspiration from his ancestor and hopes to reach the same level of success one day.

There are currently no future auths planned for Las Vegas. According to Godmother Aurora, her family is "still growing and until The Street Kingdom is approaching full, we will remain as we are."
~~~

Nice Recipes for Hardcore Mobsters
Because We Can Enjoy Good Food Too

With the holiday weekend upon us, I hope we're all seriously into eating desserts. Why don't you try this Apple Pie recipe for your party?

What You'll Need:
* 6 large firm apples
* Juice of 1/2 lemon
* 3 tbsp. apple cider or apple jack
* 1/2 cup sugar
* 1 tsp. cinnamon
* Double pie crust, frozen or homemade
* 6 tbsp. almonds
* 1 tsp. sugar
* 1/3 cup heavy cream
* 1 egg yolk
* 2 tbsp. milk or cream

Directions:
Peel, core and quarter the apples. Put in a large mixing bowl and sprinkle with lemon juice. Toss the apples with the cider, sugar and cinnamon. Let stand for up to an hour, tossing from time to time.
Blanch the almonds. Chop or grind with the teaspoon of sugar. Line a 10-inch pie pan with pie dough and sprinkle the almond-sugar mixture over the bottom of the shell. Keep the rest of the dough chilled until ready to use. If desired, pre-bake the crust.
Preheat the oven to 400 degrees. Transfer the apples to the pie shell, mounding them higher in the center and leaving the sugary liquid behind in the bowl. Add the heavy cream to this liquid and beat until it is slightly thickened. Pour the mixture over the apples to coat them. Drape the top crust over the apples and crimp the edges, using the tines of a fork or your fingers. Make several slashes in the top to allow steam to escape. Decorate with cutouts, if you like and brush with the egg yolk beaten with the milk or cream to form a glaze.
Bake for 10 minutes. Lower the heat to 350 degrees, and bake for 50 more minutes or until the crust is golden. If the edge darkens too much during the baking, cover it with foil, leaving the center open, and continue baking. Cool and serve with ice cream, if desired. Makes 8 to 10 servings.
~~~

Horoscopes
Since They're So Friggin Popular

Want to know what the week holds? Well we can't tell you that. Get a glimpse about how it might turn out, though:

Aries (March 21st through April 19th):
You're a giver, Aries. When a friend or relative needs help, you give it to them without asking for anything back. Maybe this week is a good time for you to come up with a new system. Make sure you're getting your share of favors in return!

To find your horoscope, please turn to Section D-7!
~~~

Thank you for reading the tenth edition of The Chronicle! Our staff really hopes you enjoyed it! We are always available to answer your questions at any time. Please contact the editor, Marietta, with any concerns you may have.
Editor: Marietta Rossi
Reporter: Matt Haas

If you would like to write for the Chronicle, please contact Marietta for more information and to set up an interview asap!

Visit us in the coffee shops in #detchron

Another fine publication for the folks at The Chronicle!

Thanks again for all your hard work, it is always a pleasure to read!

As always an excellent read and makes one wish was longer

Enjoyable Read!! & the Apple Pie turned out delish!!

Another great read. Job well done, Ms. Rossi and staff!

Amazing as always Godmother Marietta and Mr. Haas. Bravo ! Brava ! Can't wait the next one.

Another wonderful edition. What else can be said? Consistent excellence rivaling that of the Fighting Irish and the Yankees. Keep up the great work.

As always with great regularity another well done paper hits the streets.

 Thank you for the good read. Most enjoyable.

Great as usual. I love it.

Always great to read, well done

Brilliant once again, always look forward to reading The Chronicle issues.

An excellent read. Look for me next week, guys, if I get in it.

Pisces (February 20th through March 20th):Life is starting to slow down for you, and not a moment too soon.

What? Nooooo...

Sledgie flicks through the pages of the Chroncile, searching for the cartoons. Unable to find any, he attempts to read one of the articles, but cannot understand many of the long words, and only picks up a vague notion of what has been going on.

Wow, a fantastic edition of your Paper. Looking forward to more!

Once again an excellent read, this paper seems to be getting better and better.

Good work.

yup as always an amazing read looking forward to the next one already

once again i must say that it was a fantastic read, please keep up the good work and im looking forward to the next issue.

Always a pleasure Godmother. Excellent to read first thing in the morning with a hot cup of coffee.