It was dark outside.  Still.  The sun wasn't set to come up for another ten hours.  I made a mental note: Alaska sucks.  I made another mental note: vampires suck.  Realizing the pun, I laughed out loud.  The red eyes across the street turned in my direction and I cursed out loud.  Then the thirty or so vampires were chasing me again.  How the hell did I end up here, anyway?"You're going to have to go get him, 'Pool," Odd said.  He puffed on a Cuban cigar and propped his feet up on his desk.  "We haven't heard from him in a month and he went up there with thirty large to buy those guns.""Are you even sure he got there?  I mean, maybe he stopped in someplace warmer, like Los Angeles, and got lost.""No, he got there."  Odd tapped the ashes from the end of his cigar.  "We got a wire from the place he was supposed to meet the Indians.""Wait, we're buying guns from Eskimos?""They had the lowest bid.  Doesn't matter.  Get your ass up there and find Doug.  Bring back our guns.  And Doug, if he's alive.  You can leave him there if he's dead."I sighed and packed my bags.  A day and a half later, I was in Ubetcha, Alaska, trying to find Doug. Another job for Odd.  An "Odd Job" if you will.  Silently, I thanked God that my boss wasn't named "Blow."The town was empty.  I trekked through the snow, looking for an open shop, a person, some sign of life.  The place was a ghost town.  I was cold, so, after the gas in my snowmobile ran out, I found the only hotel in town.  The sun was already beginning to set.The place was empty, like everywhere else in the tiny cold town, so I made myself at home.  I started in the kitchen.  That's where I found Doug.I opened the refrigerator and Doug stared back at me, a surprised look on his face.  I grabbed a bottle of tomato juice, which was the only other thing in the refrigerator, and closed the door."Hey, Doug."I did a double take and opened the door again.  Doug's head was still there, eyes still open in a dead gaze.  I pulled a notepad and pen from my pocket."Step one: find Doug.  Check."  I stuffed the pad and pen back into my pocket and opened the bottle of juice.  I sniffed it to make sure it was still good.  It wasn't.  I mean, it wasn't juice.  It was blood, probably Doug's blood."Oh, shit," I said out loud.  I checked my watch.  Nineteen hours of night.  Plenty of time for vampires to roam.  The kitchen door swung open and two people walked in."And he had thirty grand on him.  Weird.  But, I kept his head for the dogs and I chilled his blood.  Should be a nice...."  the man stopped talking to his female companion as they spotted me."Um, Health Inspector?"  They didn't buy it."Get him!"  They leapt toward me.  I drew the twin .45's I had in my waistband and opened fire.  The man-pire took three in the head, leaving him headless, the she-pire took another three in the chest, knocking her back to the floor.Time for a little explanation.  Vampires, while elusive, are real.  Like unicorns.  They're fast, they're strong, they drink blood, they don't age.  But, they do die.   They're hard to kill, but you can kill them.  Nothing special needed.  Also, they sunburn like a bitch.  Which also kills them.  The male blood-sucker was dead.  The female was trying to get to her feet when I put a slug in her head.  "It's a cinch you two assholes didn't wipe out this whole town.  So, there's more of you, I suppose.  Great."  I reloaded, checked the swords I wore across my back and went outside to find a damn gas station and get the hell out of town.The previously empty streets were busy with vampires.  As I walked out, they turned to stare at me.   So, I ran.They began to give chase as I turned and fired.  I quickly found a hiding place, determined to make it until morning.That's when the whole "vampires suck" line came to me and I laughed out loud.  I turned and fired into the group, but they kept coming.  I didn't have enough ammo for this.  I thought about the swords on my back and swore. I like the swords because they're cool.  Chicks dig them.  They're impressive.  Anyone can use a gun, but a sword?  Two swords?  I'm sorry, but that's freaking awesome.  But, I digress...I holstered the pistols and drew the swords."Okay, you blood sucking sons of bitches, come get some."  God, I love those one-liners.  How do I come up with them?

So, they did.  And, for the next few seconds, I held them off.  What's white and black and red all over?  A vampire being cut up by swords.  Then I noticed a few of them had made their way around me.  I sliced through a few more and I ran.  I eventually found another snowmobile, stole it, and made my way back to civilization.

"And that's what happened, boss.  Vampires.  Doug is dead, the vampires got him and the thirty grand," I told Odd.

He puffed his cigar and looked me in the eyes.  "Deadpool, go get the damn guns.  For real this time.  I'm serious.  If you get on a plane to Palm Beach again, I'm going to have your ass."

I sighed and packed my bags, again, this time determined to actually go to Alaska.  Damn it.  Note to self: next time, don't use vampires as cover story.

(OOC: Crap.  Sorry about the format there, I did a cut & paste and it didn't quite work out.)