In the midst of Chicago, there is another strange sight to add on to this already strange week. A woman seems to have become an amateur polesitter, as she is currently climbing up a lamppost outside opulent headquarters of The Darkside. She pauses every now and then to tug her dress down in an attempt to preserve her modesty, making sure to throw a glare down to any overly curious eyes. Finally arriving at the top of the post, she holds tight to the metal, shakes back her peroxide-blonde hair, and releases a piercing whistle that sets several dogs off barking. Having gotten most passerbys' attention, she waves and clears her throat gently before yelling out.

Attention to all of you involved in This Thing of Ours! I'm sure you've repeatedly come across people, things, and events that have made you feel annoyed, happy, loathful, or any of a gamut of emotions. I am pleased to announce that we at The Darkside will be hosting an Open Letter Challenge!

Your job, should you choose to accept it, is to write an open letter, here for everyone to see, about any entity in This Thing of Ours that makes you glad, annoyed, whatever! But remember: be civil. This isn't an excuse to be disrespectful to anyone and/or everyone.

What, though, is the prize for this? We're giving 1 million dollars to the best letter! And remember, we're judging based on originality, entertainment value, and ability to get your point across while still remaining civil. Please put your letters on their own flyers here on the streets with a heading of "An Open Letter to (whomever or whatever you are writing to)". Please have these up by the cut-off date, July the 25th at 10:00!

Kizzy nods to the crowd and slides down the pole, eliciting a few catcalls from spectators. She rolls her eyes briefly before slipping back into The Darkside HQ.

This is a great opportunity for someone to get paid to bitch, complain, or show your love for someone.

I see enough of you sharing opinions here on the streets, so why not get paid for it?

I know it takes a bit of thought, but take a shot, it is a creative way to get your views across to the community.

KINGBENNY'S OPEN LETTER TO ANYONE LOOKING FOR A FAMILY

New in town? Looking for a Family? Here's some tips and pointers for all aspiring Mafioso looking to make a solid first impression on a Crime Boss. Follow these tips and you'll be well on your way to La Cosa Nostra stardom

1. First, you need to contact a Family Leader. Don't make it too elaborate. One sentence will do. No time for an entire sentence? A fragment of one will do just fine as well.

2. If your bloodline was a part of a different Family, and was killed by that Family for breaking a rule, be sure to explain that the reason your bloodline was killed is because the Boss of that Family is an idiot. It will let the Crewleader know you are respectful and have learned from your Mother/Father's mistakes.

3. Be polite! Use words like "Please" and "Thanks". But remember, short and sweet. Feel free to drop 60% of the letters off of the end of those words and replace them with a letter that does not normally appear in either of them. You'll be amazed how much time you'll save by dropping that e-a-s-e off of the word 'please' and replacing the letters with a Z. Time is money.

4. Speaking of money, upon entering a Family, immediately contact the Crewleader and ask for some. $20-50k is the standard amount. Don't forget to say plz! If the Boss says no, he or she is probably just cheap. You're best bet is to immediately contact the head of a different Family and ask them for $200,000 so you can buy out of the Family you've just joined.

5. In regards to Tip #4, don't forget to explain the reason you need the money is to get yourself started. Otherwise the Crewleader may think you need it for something frivolous.

6. Don't dwell too much on formalities when addressing a Made Member of La Cosa Nostra. A lowercase u is a generally accepted amongst most Mobsters.

7. OK, you've gotten yourself a Family. Before making any contribution to it whatsoever, request Permanent Auth to be handed down to you. The fact you have no gun is irrelevant. At least your new Boss will know you are ambitious.

8. Assuming your new Boss isn't cheap, take the money he or she gave you and buy some drugs. Ask other Family members for their drug prices. Don't give them yours though. That isn't going to do you any benefit. Let them earn their money like you did.

9. Don't bother making tribute until all your needs have been fully satisfied. If your leader suggests you make tribute regularly, tell your Boss you will as soon as your personal financial goals have been met. Bosses love to see rich associates flaunting their vast wealth when they approach them asking for Permanent Auth.

10. You've acquired a gun! Congratulations. Now go out there and use it on someone! Preferably a sponsored member of another crew. Don't worry about killing anyone. Your shot will surely miss considering you have yet to take the time to train it properly. Don't worry, your Boss will deal with the aftermath. Isn't that the Boss's job? Besides, you fully intend to pay back your Boss's 20k and start making tribute eventually. Let him/her clean up your mess. Of course your Boss may kill you for shooting a sponsored member of another crew. If he or she does, it's probably because your Boss doesn't know what they're doing, or they've already explained it to you countless times. One or the other. Anyway have your next of kin contact your old Boss and ask him what happened. Remember, no need for entire words. A simple WTF ought to be fine. Now get out there and find a new Family! Don't forget to refer to Tip #2!

Hope this helps. Sincerely, KingBenny

Captains open Letter | The in-game disadvantage?

Dear Mafioso,

Lol lmao IRL wtf ROTFL etc.............

It has become apparent to me that a number of my fellow mobsters reside in the popular out of character IRC channel divine lunacy (#divinelunacy). Relationships have been both made and broken thanks to this notepad on steroids chat facility. The question I put to you, the serious, casual and admin participants in this crime fuelled community of ours is this,

Is your involvement in the out of character chat room IRC directly proportional to your in game character success? And if so is this damaging to our game and its future?

Over the years many returning users have forged deep relations with one another which naturally increase their reputation and stature within the game. I feel such favouritism and relationships should be developed primarily within the game to strengthen the experience and allow a level playing field for all users. There are no more 'dark alleys' in this modern world we live.

Many feel it is easier to conduct in game matters within the chat program thus resulting in less in-game decisions / mobmails and traditional mafia style actions.  don't get me wrong I have been foul of using IRC rather than the in-game communication tools myself, however I do feel we are ruining the game experience by conducting these matters in the out of game scenario.

To finish, I feel our actions out of game are having serious financial and environmental effects on our businesses, our families and most importantly our children born on the streets cold and alone who can't find IRC on the map.

RIP

Your connection has been throttled, IRC
You were fitted for cement shoes on: Jul 17, '09 19:19:39.
To create a new chat,  click here to use in game features
 

I'm just dropping by to state that I am really enjoying the open letters thus far. I truly hope to see many more entries before this contest ends. Many thanks to Chicago for coming up with this, as it's certainly kept this old lady entertained! Kudos!

thanks for dropping in Marietta. glad you have enjoyed them and yes i agree, thanks chicargo for providing the opportunity. keep up the good work

Disclaimer: The following is a work of fiction, theater if you will. The subject has given his full consent.

Toto wakes up cold and shivering. He is unsure where this bathroom is, but he is certain waking up naked in a bathtub is always bad. He looks down, yep naked. And really, really cold apparently. He notices stitches where one of his kidney's used to be. Well, at least they didn't take both of them. After he dials 911, he tries to get out of the tub but the ice makes it nearly impossible, that and the major surgery. He finally gets out, exits the bathroom door, and jumps into his car. He tries to speed away but the cops have been alerted and he is surrounded by johnny law. He jumps from the camaro and they chase after him, he is slow since he never ran cross country or anything. The fat cop behind him pulls out his tazer and nails toto in the butt ending the chase. To this day toto has only 1 kidney and a fear of tazers.

These are a few of my pet peeves, exagerated a bit. Telling others someone else's story from that persons point of view. Puppet mastering I call this. How do I know how cold toto is? I might know how cold he told me he was. Then you have the future reference that also doubles as the crazy move. Then the teleport to his car naked. What the heck is a camaro anyway? Lack of plausability, he is slow from lack of cross country or because he just lost a kidney? The impossible, could he even run? Tazer? Then I tell everyone he is sporting one kidney like his medical condition is anyones business plus I change his physical characteristics. All that in one paragraph.

Sure, some people can do this. Toto gave me permission. Maybe your friend lets you take them anywhere. But this should be the exception not the rule in my opinion. 

Toto, thanks for letting me put you on the spot. Sorry about the kidney, rumor has it you can get by with one.

Deuce hangs his head for not reading and comprehending...

Kizzy climbs back up onto her lamppost, calling out to all passing mobsters.

The winner of the Open Letter Challenge is....Darth_Maul!

There is a long silence before someone tosses the obits up to her. She reads them, her eyes widening. She coughs and drops the newspaper before calling out once more.

Well, I'm still awarding the money to his son, Kung!

Your accountant makes note that $1,000,000 has been wired to Kung from your account.

Congrats Kung!

yay! I win!

Silhouette stands under the lamppost, gazing up for some time, before suddenly shaking herself and glancing around.

Congratulations Kung! A well deserved win, for sure.

Well deserved?

Massive, bitter, guffaw.

~T~

Ah yes, Tallien, your ode to Rourke was very moving.

It would've brought a tear to my eye. You know, if I actually cried. Which I so don't.

Pregnant women tend to cry a lot.

~T~

congratulations!

congrats kung. that must have been nice to get a million bucks. 

It was. Unfortunately, this means I can't win the oh, baby! contest, which I assure you I would have won.