KINGBENNY'S OPEN LETTER TO ASPIRING MAFIOSO

New in town? Looking for a Family? Here's some tips and pointers for all aspiring Mafioso looking to make a solid first impression on a Crime Boss. Follow these tips and you'll be well on your way to La Cosa Nostra stardom

1. First, you need to contact a Family Leader. Don't make it too elaborate. One sentence will do. No time for an entire sentence? A fragment of one will do just fine as well.

2. If your bloodline was a part of a different Family, and was killed by that Family for breaking a rule, be sure to explain that the reason your bloodline was killed is because the Boss of that Family is an idiot. It will let the Crewleader know you are respectful and have learned from your Mother/Father's mistakes.

3. Be polite! Use words like "Please" and "Thanks". But remember, short and sweet. Feel free to drop 60% of the letters off of the end of those words and replace them with a letter that does not normally appear in either of them. You'll be amazed how much time you'll save by dropping that e-a-s-e off of the word 'please' and replacing the letters with a Z. Time is money.

4. Speaking of money, upon entering a Family, immediately contact the Crewleader and ask for some. $20-50k is the standard amount. Don't forget to say plz! If the Boss says no, he or she is probably just cheap. You're best bet is to immediately contact the head of a different Family and ask them for $200,000 so you can buy out of the Family you've just joined.

5. In regards to Tip #4, don't forget to explain the reason you need the money is to get yourself started. Otherwise the Crewleader may think you need it for something frivolous.

6. Don't dwell too much on formalities when addressing a Made Member of La Cosa Nostra. A lowercase u is generally accepted amongst most Mobsters.

7. OK, you've gotten yourself a Family. Before making any contribution to it whatsoever, request Permanent Auth to be handed down to you. The fact you have no gun is irrelevant. At least your new Boss will know you are ambitious.

8. Assuming your new Boss isn't cheap, take the money he or she gave you and buy some drugs. Ask other Family members for their drug prices. Don't give them yours though. That isn't going to do you any benefit. Let them earn their money like you did.

9. Don't bother making tribute until all your needs have been fully satisfied. If your leader suggests you make tribute regularly, tell your Boss you will as soon as your personal financial goals have been met. Bosses love to see rich associates flaunting their vast wealth when they approach them asking for Permanent Auth.

10. You've acquired a gun! Congratulations. Now go out there and use it on someone! Preferably a sponsored member of another crew. Don't worry about killing anyone. Your shot will surely miss considering you have yet to take the time to train it properly. Don't worry, your Boss will deal with the aftermath. Isn't that the Boss's job? Besides, you fully intend to pay back your Boss's 20k and start making tribute eventually. Let him/her clean up your mess. Of course your Boss may kill you for shooting a sponsored member of another crew. If he or she does, it's probably because your Boss doesn't know what they're doing, or they've already explained it to you countless times. One or the other. Anyway have your next of kin contact your old Boss and ask him what happened. Remember, no need for entire words. A simple WTF ought to be fine. Now get out there and find a new Family! Don't forget to refer to Tip #2!

Hope this helps.

Sincerely, KingBenny

Umm some of this accurate but the only thing i really disagree with is the first one.

I think a paragraph is a good entrance letter,possibly more.

One liners are generally frowned upon i think.

But other than that i think this is a decent guideline

Duly noted, Warden. I'm glad we agree that the rest of the points are good ones for new Mobsters. Hey, 9 out of 10 ain't bad. Thanks for reading.

Solvent raises an eyebrow.

I do have to say that these are quite interesting but I do hope those that are newer to theses  streets do learn better before following them. As quite a few are a great way to a quick death.

kingbenny, thank you sir for a nice chuckle. I hope people understand that this is a joke...well I suppose those that would do this sort of thing, probably wouldn't take the time to listen, and if they did, wouldn't be smart enough to understand comedy if it smacked them a cross the face with a warm rotting trout. I appreciate your taste for humor.

Thanks again, you definitely made me laugh

While I found this quite humorous, I'll bet anything that there will be a few new immigrants out there who will actually take this seriously. Never underestimate the stupidity of the average person.

KingBenny that was quite simply hilarous, loved point 7, you gotta love the ambitious type

Thank you Godfather Odd and Don Butt_Ox for seeing this letter for it's true intentions. I'm an admitted gambler, however I for one am not willing to take Butt_Ox up on that bet.

...I knew that.

No,i am probably one of the most gullible people on earth I actually thought he was for real.

I am crazy

You kill me King Benny....lmao....

This is one of the most useful guides I've ever seen published in this world of ours, and a must read for all.

Well done, Benny.

One of the funniest reads I've had in a long time.

Thanks Boss.

This made my day, I'll be sure to teach my sons your glorious ways KingBenny.