A week comes and goes, just like every week, and the week after. The latest edition of The Mafia Herald goes on sale at the local shops. Two cents for something you might not want to hear. Something that may be trivial to you. However you pick it up anyway, and sift through the fat.

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The Mafia Herald

1st Edition

Sunday, July 19th, 1935

Cost: 2 cents.

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The Los Angeles Massacre

First of all, rest in peace Los Angeles and all her people. Things looked bright in LA with Nightcall-FM leading the fair city, or so it seemed. Once he authed Joseph-Ligambi, a bloodline who had previous ties to LA, things started to change. Joseph was de facto leader of the city, and decided he would tax Nightcall, to the sum of a whopping 28 million per week. This turned into bad blood between the two. Nightcall tried to rally help from Chicago. This turned out to be a bad idea, and he was killed by them.  Kavinsky joined Nightcall in the funeral home shortly after, and that left Joseph as the sole crew leader of LA. It was short lived however, as CH struck him down the next day as well.
Was LA doomed from the start, or was it the fault of poor leadership? Let me know your thoughts.

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Interviews:

These interviews were conducted on IRC avenue. Things discussed and opinions given by the interviewee may not necessarily reflect those of TheReporter, or this paper.

This reporter was not going to do any more interviews about the Multi-City Gang War. However the daughter of Whoreable broke her silence and insisted on an interview.

02:16 <Reporter> WhoreAbully, I'd like to thank you for taking the time to shed some light on your Mother's role in the war, as well as, what her thought process was along the way.
02:17 <WhoreAbully> I felt it was time this world knew my mother's truth. The real truth, no assumptions made by that Hayley person whose father had minimal first hand knowledge or the rest of the masses that erroneously thought they knew what was going on in the inner circle of New York.
02:19 <Reporter> Great, please enlighten me and my readers.
02:21 <WhoreAbully> When the Worldwide war broke out my mother spent every waking moment in the war room doing everything she and her crew could to to fight for and assist Obstacle in the hopes of victory.
02:24 <WhoreAbully> Soon after the war was over, Obstacle came to my mother and Dollface and asked them if one would move to Old City, Philadelphia and set up there and run the city. Doll told Obstacle she would prefer not to, it was then that my mother stepped up and agreed to move and run the city. Prior to the actual move Obstacle went back to my mother and asked her to move to New York instead. She told my mother she didn't have faith in Martii's ability and that he would be moved out of Brooklyn and my mother would take over center district. Her words to my mother were, "I want you to make New York shine."
02:28 <Reporter> Interesting, so the move wasn't something your mother requested but something that was requested of her.
02:30 <WhoreAbully> Yes and they made a conscious effort not to embarrass Martii. He proved that decision to be wise when shortly after he didn't follow the procedure for new auth's and Obstacle, my mother and some of the others had to cover for him and say he drank too much that night.
02:34 <WhoreAbully> After a few weeks had passed the city heads were called together by Obstacle to discuss and confirm a final plan for all the cities.  Once the final plan was agreed upon it was signed by each city leader; Obstacle (CH), RemusLupin (DT), Spartacus (LV), PodrickPayne (LA), My Mother (NY) and JaimeLannister (PH)
02:36 <Reporter> Yes, I think my readers remember that to be a time of hope, promise and opportunity. I remember many an editorial giving praise to the city leaders for their decision.
02:38 <Reporter> Let's fast forward a bit. In last weeks interview Hayley states that you were causing problems in New York, and that you have a part in the Bronx take down. What is your response to that?
02:40 <WhoreAbully> As far as causing problems, all my mother set out to do was the job that was given to her. She heard the murmurs of jealousy around her, but choose to ignore them and continue to work hard for New York, as well as her crew. It was all very diabolical. Lucky and Doll were passing notes to my mother during the CL meetings with Martii telling her that they found him rude and he should be eliminated. My mother said she had known Martii to be a great friend, and thought he would settle down eventually. The issues escalated over time and here is the interesting part... The only contact my mother ever had with Cole, Haley's father was when he sent her access to the hitlist he made for Dollface and Lucky with all the Manhattan crew members that were to be eliminated. Was my mother being set up? Maybe, but the point still stands, Cole had no clue all the lies and deceit that were coming out of the Bronx.
02:42 <Reporter> Was your mother ever concerned for her safety?
02:46 <WhoreAbully> My mother's utmost concern was for the safety of her crew, and the reputation of New York as a City. Dollface had shown my mother correspondence between her and Martii which raised concern, even though Doll had sworn her loyalty to my mother several times over. My mother was also told that Obstacle, the very person that requested she go to New York and make it shine was not supporting her or her decision in any way, and was disrespecting my mother by having side discussions with Manhattan and The Bronx and not alerting her.
02:48 <WhoreAbully> The final meeting my mother had with The Bronx and Manhattan made her extremely irate. She choose to end the meeting to finish up some pressing matters that could not wait. That was the last time she spoke to the upper structure of the Bronx or Manhattan for that matter.
02:50 <Reporter> That very night the Bronx was wiped out. Could you please give us an idea of the events prior to the take down?
02:52 <WhoreAbully> I was actually at HQ that evening dropping off a batch of dresses that I had sewn secret gun pockets in for my mother. She was in a meeting with a group of men and one woman. The voices were low and the whiskey glasses were tall. I saw her, Numair, Dodge and a few others I have never seen before and could tell they really didn't care to be seen. After what appeared to be a brief discussion, they all stood up synchronized their watches and I heard the man known as Remus say something but couldn't quite make it out. They all smiled, and seemed to agree with what he said before they all shook hands and walked out the door.
02:56 <Reporter> Do you think you walked in on the meeting concerning the Bronx take down?
02:58 <WhoreAbully> Pretty sure, considering the key Bronx crew members were all dead within the hour.
03:01 <Reporter> Would you say your mother, for lack of a better term, was in bed with the Detroit crew?
03:02 <Whoreablully> Without a doubt. My mother was an honorable woman, and when Detroit came to the aid of her and her crew an unbreakable bond of loyalty and trust was created.
03:04 <Reporter> So you believe with 100% certainty that your mother's involvement in the attack against Chicago was was intentional?
03:06 <Whoreabully> Yes, my mother unholstered her gun out of loyalty to the ones that had her back and helped her protect her crew when everyone else around her was betraying her.
03:07 <Reporter> Thank you very much for you time I think that's all I need. Is there anything else you would like to add?
03:08 <WhoreAbully> Only that my mother fought hard and went to her grave with no regrets.

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Joke Of The Week

A duck walks into a post office and asks the man behind the counter: 'Got any duck food?' The man answers politely: 'No, we don't have any duck food here.' The next day, the duck enters again and asks: 'Got any duck food?' Annoyed, the man answers: 'No! We don't have any duck food.' This goes on for a couple of days until finally, when the duck asks 'Got any duck food?', the man gets so upset he yells 'NO! For the last time we don't have any duck food, and if you ask again I'll nail your feet to the floor!' The next day, the duck returns and asks: 'Do you have any nails?' The man answers: 'No.' Then the duck asks: 'Soooo, got any duck food?'

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Reporter's Rumor room.

Disclaimer: Rumors are usually false or funny. If they are false they are sometimes funny but not always. If they are funny they are usually false but not always. Sources will remain anonymous.

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This reporter heard that there is a heated debate going on in the upper structure of Chicago. Hands disagreeing with their crew leaders, and crew leaders not on the same page with each other. Personally I think it's bollocks. Everyone with two eyes knows that Duplicity's butt is much better than Visas'.

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CerseiLannister seems to have moved on after her brother/lover's untimely death. Who is the next flame in this woman's future? Rumor has it SeppBlatter is keeping her bed warm but who knows, Roland is looking pretty cozy sitting to her left... If only he were her cousin.

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Rumor has it that Seph is actually scared of fire, but in order to make sure that people never figure out his one true weakness, he named his crew the Pyromaniacs, but there is no actual fire allowed anywhere near his family. People aren't even allowed to light cigars in his headquarters! I guess his lover won't ever get romantic candle lit nights with him, poor soul.

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Coming Soon

Adorkable's Advice Column

We are excited to announce that next week we will be starting an advice column hosted by Adorkable! If you want to be featured in the column simply send her a letter with your issue, and she will be picking random peoples letters to give her valuable advice to. If you wish to remain anonymous just let her know in your letter. We look forward to this new column next week!

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Horoscopes

Personality profiles, which shitty zodiac are you?

Aries

As the first sign of the zodiac Aries always have to be first in everything, even if it means cheating. The Ram sign could represent the hardheadedness that you possess, or that fact that you were most likely a concrete highway divider in a previous life.

Taurus

'Stubborn as a bull' isn't just a zoomorphistic trait given by less than qualified astrologers. They are also uncompromising and possessive. Of course you always have those horns going for you.

Gemini

Scatter brain, or schizophrenic, Gemini is loved by all. Unless most people dislike a nervous, ADHD case with multiple personality disorder. Though a bisexual Gemini is a walking double date, they often have trouble finding a compatible mate they do not scare away.

Cancer

Manipulative and passive-aggressive, it's ironic you're the crab of the zodiac with what resulted from your prom night back seat romp with an unclean classmate. Don't worry, at least you have a killer disease named after you.

Leo

Arrogant and attention whoring at every turn, it's not a wonder why Leo's kiss a lot of mirrors. No one is good enough for them. If they do find a mate their controlling side usually keeps them locked up in the basement. Usually the first clappers after a speech, and wont stop until others join in.

Virgo

The virgin sign (She told me she was a virgin, or a Virgo.. Either way there was blood). Picky to the point of assholishness. Obsessive-compulsive disorder is a good way to describe a Virgo. On the bright side you never lose an argument, because you bring up shit from ten years ago.

Libra

The scales. This bipolar sign is usually unable to make their own decisions about most things, unless consulting a life coach, or TV guide. Libra's will sit in the shadows and hate you, as well as themselves, while making sure they have the most up to date hair styles.

Scorpio

Impatient, jealous, possessive, secretive, and violent. We can see Scorpio's has a lot going for them already. They go through lots of mates, and most likely venereal diseases. The sting of the scorpion she/he may call it.

Sagittarius

Rude and loud, Sagittarius often seeks to offend. Food fights, and practical jokes are not uncommon. They will promise you the world and leave you pant-less on an ant hill.

Capricorn

If you were ever condescended to, it was most likely a Capricorn. The know-nothing know-it-all's of the zodiac. Pessimistic and nit picky, they are most likely to survive a nuclear holocaust thanks to there likeness to cockroaches.

Aquarius

Ever try to compromise with an Aquarius? It's like trying to convince a redneck that country music isn't what Jesus listened to. If you are looking for the goofy zodiac with a personality of someone who just drowned in their Alpha-Bits, you found it.

Pisces

The last of the zodiac, but the best at self-pity. A self martyr, with a lack of fashion style. Pisces are wise however, at least that's what they told their imaginary friends at the latest burning man.

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As always we want to hear from you! If you have something to say write TheReporter P.O. Box 12423, Chicago, Illinois.

That does it for this weeks paper I hope you all enjoyed it, if not, I hope you die in a car fire.

Clover was reading the new edition of the Mafia Herald which she bought for 2 cent. She didn't notice that someone was lurking behind her... and suddenly snatched her bag. She turns around to find a jumping familiar man running towards the alley. Clover shrugs, folds the paper and heads back to the HQ where she knew she would find her bag. A man asks her if he could borrow her paper...

"Sure, here you go. Interesting and enlightening stories. Oh, you should also check your horoscope." Clover smiles as the man thanked her.

I have no idea how I missed you MarySibley, though I'll be sure to not do it again!

Smiles sweetly.

I'd love to know more about Philly! Maybe you could comment on this interesting obsession with the mythological god Odin. He seems to be so worshiped in the Philadelphia region these days. No offense to your beliefs of course!  

On a bench before the sea front on the coast of California, Sammy pulls out the edition of The Mafia Herald he picked up from a vendor whole strolling through LA.

The pages flutter in the ocean breeze, skating across the sands and breaking against the shop fronts. Gato browses the paper, eyeballing every detail while casually puffing on a smoke. 

"I can enjoy regular editions of this, though it may be only the first copy, I'd like to see more content in future editions and would be happy to pay more for it.

"Well presented, detailed and covering some great topics, perhaps a little concise but for a first edition, good read."

Folding the publication under his arm, Sammy crushes his smoke underfoot and heads back into the city. 

He had always enjoyed a good newspaper, what else would help him pass the time as he defecated in the local trashcans? Walking over to what looked to be a stand that was selling various news, but one stood out to him more than the others; it seemed to be one which talked up the local mafia. Apparently the police weren't very vigilant around here, but what did he care, this was his area of expertise after all and why not read something that you know about?

"So lets see here... oh... yeah, I forgot. Sharks can't read, shit."

Fumbling around with the few words that he knew, and sounding out the rest of the letters he didn't, he managed to make it past the first sentence before realizing that maybe this wasn't for him. Oh well. It was still a good idea, he thought to himself, as he crumpled it into a ball and threw it viciously at a group of feral cats who decided to settle in his normal sleeping spot.

"Well, at least it was good for something, eh. Maybe next time they'll make the paper more animal-friendly."

Nefertari slowly walks toward the restaurant where she is about to have lunch with a friend. When she arrives, she notices that he is being
entertained by the latest newspaper. She had never seen this one before.

Gliding smoothly on the seat she asks if she can read it as well. He looks up surprised, and passes the paper to her.

She looks through the newspaper, and soon begins to read with more interest.

My God, this is really a good writer can not wait to read the next edition.

Folding the newspaper she calls the waiter, and asks for the menu.

joke #1

upvoted

Another good and interesting read.Goes down well with the morning whiskey, I mean black coffee. I look forward to future issues. Maybe some interviews with some of the newly Authed leaders might be a good insight into the future of the cities. 

settles back down with another coffee to read his horoscope. 

This reporter heard that there is a heated debate going on in the upper structure of Chicago. Hands disagreeing with their crew leaders, and crew leaders not on the same page with each other. Personally I think it's bollocks. Everyone with two eyes knows that Duplicity's butt is much better than Visas'.

Duplicity couldn't help but blush at the paper. She looked down at her backside and then gleamed with pride as a smile lit up her face. Yet, she couldn't help, but desire the ass that Visas has. Duplicity was always doing her best to chase it down, maybe this was why the two chased each other. No one can resist a fine ass! 

Rumor has it that Seph is actually scared of fire, but in order to make sure that people never figure out his one true weakness, he named his crew the Pyromaniacs, but there is no actual fire allowed anywhere near his family. People aren't even allowed to light cigars in his headquarters! I guess his lover won't ever get romantic candle lit nights with him, poor soul.

Guess i had better run. I lit a cigar in the room across from his office  

TheReporter smiles slightly, and gets ready to go back to work.

"Thank you for the positive feedback. I'm ecstatic to deliver next weeks paper! I'm also excited to announce that this coming edition will be shark friendly. So worry not about your lack of English writing comprehension my finned friend LandShark."

Chuckles at Duplicity

"You won't be the first, or last after dat ass of Visas. I'm sure you are the front runner though!"

Charlie had just started to wake up and got up to stretch a rush of blood or whatever came to his head and he felt dizzy for a second but then it started to actually feel good he walked over grabbed a bowl and filled it full of fruity pebbles and poured the milk in before taking his first bite as always it was amazing and tasted like a unicorn cart don't even ask 

Then he saw Frank must have brought a newspaper in he attempted to read it but he was so illiterate but he made out some stories from the pictures it was a good read he set it down and finished his food

Visas ran her hands over Dat Ass of hers and smiled sweetly she knew it would make the news one day and was pleased.

Though the heated debate that had arose over Dat Ass of hers had caused some concern to her she would have to make sure that she found the rat who had leaked this to the press.

Reading through this week's paper, Rose was intrigued to see the next edition as soon as she read about Adorkable 's advice column coming soon.  As she finished reading the paper going over the horoscopes, Rose scoffed a bit when she read her sign.  Picky indeed.  She tended to make things easier on herself true, but she just preferred organization is all.

Folding the newspaper then sliding it under her arm, Rose noticed her family member around their Headquarters.  Tapping his shoulder, so he would turn towards her, Rose smirked and began talking.

"Evening TheReporter!  I just finished reading this week's edition, and I just have to say your writing is incredible.  I can't wait to read more."

Sitting under her favorite tree with this weeks edition of the Mafia Herald, and her morning coffee, Stocking put all else out of her mind and read the paper. Always interesting to hear from key players in a war. Stocking would have loved to hear something from the kin of yournextwife, but perhaps they're in protective custody due to wifey's traitorous actions. Regardless of others opinions, that's how I view her, Stocking thought..Oh well, water under the bridge now..

If the rumors of CH prove to be true, it's no wonder..All that time wasted on whose ass is bigger, better, flatter, muscular, who's warming who's bed..what if under that form fitting dress Duplicity wears, hides a really hairy ass, filled with god awful amounts of cellulite? God, what a thought..

Stocking gets up and tosses the empty cup and paper into the trash can and heads out into the blissful morning sun..

Adorkable has heard that Stocking was looking for her so she tracked her down. Once she finally found her she smiled at her and said, "Sweetie I'm not in hiding, and there is also no need for an interview. My mother had left a letter to on display for the world to see to answer the questions of her actions. If you are interested in reading it you can find it out on the streets if you know the right place to look, simply go here https://mafiareturns.com/comm/thread/629925#106969367. I hope that answers all of your questions." Adorkable leaves without another word to find a local coffee shop for a nice cup of joe.

If the rumors of CH prove to be true, it's no wonder..All that time wasted on whose ass is bigger, better, flatter, muscular, who's warming who's bed..what if under that form fitting dress Duplicity wears, hides a really hairy ass, filled with god awful amounts of cellulite? God, what a thought..

Ma'am, it sounds like you have a lot of pent-up anger, and aggression (Scorpio right?). Perhaps you would like to do a weekly roast column in my paper?

Winks and tips hit hat.

Cin had decided that today she would start her day with the The Mafia Herald. Taking it out as she sipped on her coffee, she began to read it. Nearly spitting out her drink when she learned that Seph may be afraid of fire. She quickly jots down a few ideas.

"Hmm I must invite him to the next bonfire we have over at The House of Logi."

Scribbling a few more fiery ideas down she closes the paper to begin her day.

Another article well done The Reporter. 

I personally like both Duplicity and Visas asses equally, they are definitely pieces of art, I could just admire them all day.

(and wish that my behind was even half as amazing)

Leo

Arrogant and attention whoring at every turn, it's not a wonder why Leo's kiss a lot of mirrors. No one is good enough for them. If they do find a mate their controlling side usually keeps them locked up in the basement. Usually the first clappers after a speech, and wont stop until others join in.

I would say that this description is pretty accurate, i surely hope no one finds about my secret room.