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| Papa Tylers Discount Funeral Home | Started by: TylerDurden on Nov 16, '07 13:30 |
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Was Dad a Capo, and you can't afford a Capo funeral? Mama made the best homemade marinara sauce, but she just happened to die when you are trying to pay off some gambling debts to a few angry, large individuals? Pissed off that the responsibility of paying for the funeral of your late, great, child-molesting Third Cousin Fettucine (who you never met) falls on you? Then you've come to the right place! Hi, I'm Tyler Durden. You might remember me from such pornographic Dr. Seuss knock-offs as Fap on Pap, and Horton Hires a Ho. But today, I'll be keeping my clothes on as I introduce you to my new line of business, brought to you by Durden Industries. Papa Tyler's Discount Funeral Home! Here at Papa Tyler's, we understand that deaths are never a pleasant thing. However, we also understand that the less you pay for them, the less unpleasant they are. That's the driving force behind our business idea: Bare minimum memorials at rock-bottom prices! For one thing, we don't feel the need to lavish the dead with such luxuries as "pre-funeral makeup," an "all-wood coffin," or a "single-occupant grave." We cut every corner we can, so we can pass the savings on to you! With all the money you'll save, you'll be richer than Santa Claus if his toy sack was filled with money! *Tyler backs away from the mic, and yells offstage* Who the fuck wrote that, it's garbage! I did? What was I on? Oh, PCP? That makes sense, I guess. *Tyler clears his throat, and reapproaches the mic* Sorry about that folks, technical difficulties. Anyways, upon death and payment on your part of the low-low price of $129.95, Dad comes to our patented Organ-Harvest plants, where all of his innards are plucked for sale on the black market. This is how we keep prices so low. Then-- *A man runs onstage and whispers in Tyler's ear* *Tyler whispers back to the man, forgetting to cover the mic* We aren't supposed to tell them about that part? Shit. Oh well, I'll fix it. Sorry, folks. When I said "all of his innards will be plucked for sale on the black market," what I meant was "his wishes on the issue of organ donation will be respected." Sorry for the mix-up. But after the funeral, he will be placed in our on-site cemetary, on top of a quaint, historical, Indian burial ground. Just think--Dad's just three feet away from dead Indians! Cool, huh? Now, if you were the one who killed your father, we also have the special Oedipus Package. For just $25 more per person, we will bury your father's bodyguards alive with him. That way, they can't hunt you down! So act now! Dial 1-900-69TYLER to speak to our operator about your own Papa Tyler's Discount Funeral! Wait, that's my phone sex service line. That number is actually 1-800-TYLERFH. Oh, and don't forget this free card, just for listening to this presentation. Get it punched each time, and the ninth funeral is on the house! |
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I will pay you anything, just deliver a stand up funeral for my good buddy BrianArao. I expect the best. Crying women, speeches from the heart, lots and lots of flowers. We all know how much he loved them. So Tyler, deliver mon frere and I'll foot the bill. Big Fucking Time. |
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| Reply by: FollowerOfChris at Nov 16, '07 14:17 | |
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Hmm. I usually do the rock-bottom, cheap-ass funerals but it might be doable. Crying girls? Well, burying hookers alive in the cemetery is a, how shall we say, personal hobby of mine. I think, for one time only, I can offer them freedom if they show up and turn on the waterworks. Then bury them alive anyways. Heartfelt speeches I can't deliver. That's something that's either there, or not. If people loved the guy, though, they will be there. Flowers can be done, too. I'll just re-use the ones people leave on graves in the cemetery. Am I correct in assuming that, since you want the best, Brian will get his own personal coffin, and grave? |
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| Reply by: TylerDurden at Nov 16, '07 14:37 | |
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I'm sure that FOC will want the personal grave, but the coffin really won't be necessary. I exhumed the body weeks ago and brought it to the taxidermist. It's mine now. You can't have it. He is currently stuffed and mounted in my den, where I like to relax with all my precious material assets. |
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| Reply by: maxwell at Nov 16, '07 14:58 | |
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| maxwell, I love you, but you do sometimes worry me. | |
| Reply by: Cathy_Parks at Nov 16, '07 16:23 | |
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Sorry to say, but FOC, if you want the body to be a part of the funeral, it looks like you will have to go through Mr. Maxwell to get it. And from the stories I've heard, he's rather, umm, attached to the thing. Good luck. |
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| Reply by: TylerDurden at Nov 16, '07 20:24 | |
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