No, this isn't some corny mystery story that starts out "it was one dark and stormy night."  This is my story and how I came into this world.  Born into a family of butlers.....My family legacy had always left me with a feeling of disgust. My father and his father before him had been butlers, so it seemed I was destined to follow in their footsteps. I had no mother.  She died when I was so young that I don't even remember her.  I think her name was Gertrude, but don't hold me to that. 

As a child, no one dreams of becoming a butler and one day polishing the silverware of the privileged or perfecting the crease in a pair of pants of some wealthy millionaire. Kids dream for the stars - becoming a fireman, a famous baseball player, or the man who drives an ice cream truck around in the summer. I was always different from the other kids though. I was always fascinated by crime. I was always more vicious and heartless than the other kids. Everyone noticed my mean streak - the other kids, my teachers, the principal. Hell....even my dad.  I was also fascinated by Eskimo culture, but I digress. 

In school, I would always daydream about becoming a world-famous Mafioso. I would steal the other children's lunches from their lockers and I ran an illegal gambling operation revolving around the recess kickball games. Hell, I even had some of the teachers placing bets. I would always fix the outcome of the games and screw everyone. Then I would bust their kneecaps if they were late with their payments.  Haha... Kids are so precious. At night during those fomulative years, I would come home and look at my father with embarrassment as he served dinner to a bunch of rich jerks and then studied up on fine culture before bed.  My old man even tried sending me to a butler school called "The Institute for Higher Learning and Butlering" but I burned it down using my science kit.  I was such a precocious young lad. 

I'll never forget the day when my destiny changed. My father, who had the stereotypical butler name of Jeeves , found work with a new employer - a Mafioso with the stereotypical name of Guido. Yes, that's a lot of stereotypes for one sentence, but that's the way I like it.  Anywho, we moved into his luxurious mansion and I instantly knew that his lifestyle was the one I wanted. At night, I would sneak out of my room and creep down the tall mansion steps and watched Guido through a keyhole as he put out orders over the telephone for a hit or made lucrative drug deals with the local scourge.  While my classmates were stealing glances at their brother's nudie magazines under the covers with a flashlight, I was learning how to launder money and commit first degree home invasion. 

One night, I made too loud of a noise while I stood outside the keyhole. Guido investigated and instead of being angered, he took me under his wing. For 13 years, I studied under him and learned the tools of the trade. My father disapproved but I didn't care. To me, my dad was a loser who took orders from other people. I didn't want his life. So I learned from Guido and took and absorbed everything I could. Until one night when Guido dropped a dime on me and sold me out to some undercover narcs because I was having relations with his beautiful wife Lorena. So I shot Guido between the eyes and dumped the body in the river. The police investigated, but I was never arrested and charged. So I guess as the old cliché goes, I guess you could say the butler did it.......

I am glad to see your dreams is coming reality.