She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit.
Then I caught her spending $65 on makeup.
And I asked how come I had to give up stuff and she didn't.
She said she needed the makeup to look pretty for me.
I told her that was what the beer was for.
I don't think she's coming back.

Behind every great women there is a man checking out her ass

I keep trying to lose weight but it keeps finding me.

If you got any jokes please post them.

Knock Knock

Who's There

Nathan

Nathan who?

Nathan Explosion

Police are searching for a thief who robs his victims by threatening them with a lit match.

They want to catch him before he strikes again.

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

The librarian says; "Fuck off, you won't bring it back.

My favorite topic.  I plan to open a comedy club in Chi soon.  Check it out if I get approved.

I'll leave you with the most famous mafia joke of all time:

The mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses they were 'protecting'. Feeling the heat from the police, they decided to use a deaf person for the job. That way, should he get caught, he would be unable to communicate to the police what he was doing.
During his first week on the job, the deaf collector picks up over $60,000. He quickly becomes greedy, decides to keep the money and hides it in a safe place. Realizing that their collection is late, the mafia sends some of their hoods after the deaf collector. The hoods find the deaf man and ask him where the money is. Since the deaf collector is unable to communicate with them, they drag him to an interpreter.

The mafia hood tells the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is." The interpreter signs "Where's the money?" to the deaf man.

The deaf man signs back, "I don't know what you're talking about."

The interpreter says to the hood, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The hood takes out a pistol, places it in the deaf collector's ear and says, "NOW, ask him where da money is."

Again the interpreter signs, "Where's the money?"

The deaf man signs, "The $60,000 is in Central Park. It's hidden in the fifth tree stump on the left from the West 78th Street gate."

The interpreter turns to the hood and says, "He says he thinks you don't have the guts to pull the trigger!"

Top Ten Signs Your Neighbor Is in the Mafia
10. He seems to do really well for a guy who runs a candy store that's open one or two hours a day
9. His partner in the neighborhood 3-legged race: Vincent "The Chin" Gigante
8. For his son's birthday, buys him a U.S. senator
7. Your tomato plants keep getting singed by the cars exploding in his driveway
6. Tuesday: paper boy misses porch; Wednesday: paper boy gets "iced"
5. All his anecdotes end with, "So I blew his head off"
4. Two goons show up and make your wife reveal the family recipe for apple crisp
3. At their Halloween party, they bob for mob informants
2. After having an argument with his kid, your kid wakes up with the head of Tickle Me Elmo on his pillow
1. His lawn gnome is riddled with bulletholes

I went on a diet for 2 weeks once.

Oh, what did you lose?

Two weeks.

I read 'Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince' in 4 hours yesterday!

I know it's only 7 words but I was still impressed with myself.

Q: What's the difference between a tire and 365 used rubbers?

A: One's a Goodyear; the other's a great year.

keep em coming.. these are good

Someone might find this offensive but I don't really care!

What's small and black and sits on top of the stairs?

Steven Hawking after a house fire!

^^^ I laughed.

I didn't want to, but I laughed.

So apparently 4 out of 5 guys like gang rape, but the other guy didn't like it.

Yo mama so fat! i had to take two trains and a bus just to get on her good side!

This might be alittle soon but,

Yo mama is so stupid! she just found out michael jackson died!

An 
Irish daughter had not been home for over a year. Upon her 
return, her Father cussed her. 'Where have ye been all this time? 
Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye 
not understand what ye put yer old Mother 
thru?' 

The 
girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff....Dad....I became a 
prostitute...' 

'Ye 
what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a 
disgrace to this Catholic family.' 

'OK, Dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur 
coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million 
savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And 
for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible 
that's parked outside plus a membership to the country 
club.....(takes a breath).....and an invitation for ye all to spend 
New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and... .' 

'Now 
what was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad. 

Girl, 
crying again, 'Sniff, sniff....a prostitute Daddy! Sniff, 
sniff.' 

'Oh! 
Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old Dad a hug.

Three women worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, the boss left work early. One day, the women decided that when the boss left they would leave too. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early? The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, had some playtime with her son, and went to bed early. The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date. The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband. But when she got home, she heard a muffled noise coming from inside her bedroom. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house. The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead said they planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them. "No way," she said. "I almost got caught yesterday!"

:D LOL

A lady gets on the bus and points to her eye, the driver grab'd his wallet, the lady grab'd her breast and the driver grab'd his penis, the lady turned around slap'd her ass and got off the bus.

All the passengers were shocked!!

The driver said what's the problem, she aask'd was I going near the eye doctor, I said no I'm giong near the bank, she ask'd if  I was going by the dairy, I said no I'm going by the ball park, she said "AW SHIT I'M ON THE WRONG BUS'

hahahaha