Rourke reread the letter he held in his hand and shook his head at the thought. He knew that this was his time to shine, his first real chance at making a difference in the world. Rourke decided today was the day to seize the world by the balls and give a speech to the world at large. Rourke was already a professional at squeezing balls, both his own and those belonging to any male in the greater Detroit area, but prepared himself to take on all comers. He also enjoyed clever dirty puns.

Rourke finished putting on his finest suit and brightest tie and walked out to the Streets. He erected himself a large ornate podium and called all the mobsters of the day to gather round to hear his speech. It would be a speech no one would ever be able to forget. He cleared his throat and began to speak:

Ladies and Gentlemen!

Rourke paused for the large amount of applause he received, but then continued shortly after.

I come to you today to speak of one of the issues that has bothered me recently. Something that I'm sure has affected all of you in our daily lives. Yesterday, at approximately 13:06 my time, I received a letter from one of the Gods, Anubis, directing me to listen to a conversation on OOC Avenue. I was touched to personally receive this letter, but later dismayed to find out this letter was sent to all members of our fair community. I ventured over to the conversation and listened with both my ears, ladies and gentlemen, and heard the fire and brimstone that this man shed upon all of you. I viewed this as an attack on our Constitutional rights of FREEDOM of SPEECH! Let me refresh your memory of this:

Amendment 1 of the United States Constitution

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

He was threatening to kill some of you, from the lowest Civilians to the most important Godfathers and Godmothers for the words you speak in public. Now ladies and gentlemen, what did I do? I fought for you. I supported you all. I donated my time, finances, and wit to protecting the rights of every citizen of our fair nation. What happened next? The entire conversation was removed! Removed I tell you! The Gods saw fit to remove this conversation after I championed the rights of the people and fought for the common man in our lovely little country. Now say it with me ladies and gentlemen: THAT AIN'T RIGHT!

Rourke paused to listen to the chants of "THAT AIN'T RIGHT" from the crowd. He continued.

So ladies and gentlemen, I have decided to branch out and find ways to work harder to improve things for ALLLLLLLLLLLL of us. I think I have finally figured out some small change that can help make a difference in the hearts of every man, woman, and child. It is the real purpose I have decided to call this press conference.....errrrr speech for all of you to listen to today.

Rourke pulled out his handkerchief and mopped his now moist brow.

I'd like to take this time to announce my candidacy for PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA!

The entire crowd let out a giant collective gasp. A few reporters furiously scribbled notes on their notepads with feeble attempts to create catchy headlines before their local counterparts could beat them to the punch. The crowd began to talk amongst themselves until Rourke raised his hands to quiet them. He continued:

I have a few key platforms that I support. These will be the bases for my campaign:

I will protect your Constitutional rights to free speech.

Ladies and gentlemen, as seen before, I WILL FIGHT FOR YOUR RIGHTS TO SPEAK. AND TO PARTY. Mostly to speak. I will tirelessly champion the rights of the people and do my part to fight with you against big business.

I will stand by my words.

I am not always right in my speeches, I will concede to you all this point. However, I will back what I say unless I have clearly misinterpreted some part of another's speech. I will never ask the Gods to remove my spoken acts of idiocy like those such as WilliamDeSantis before me.

No nude taxes!!!

This one is for myself, mostly. I really don't want to be taxed if I should find myself walking around in the buff.

Jobs for all who wish to have them.

Some of these jobs won't be so fancy, like toilet cleaner, but everyone will have a job if they so desire!

In conclusion, ladies and gentlemen, I hope to be elected so that I may better serve you all. When the election comes, I hope you will:

VOTE FOR ROURKE!

Rourke concludes his speech by passing around "I Like Rourke!" buttons.

Drops his "I Like Rourke!" button on the floor and stamps it into a:

~T~

If Anubis were a government official, you could file a Section 1983 grievance for infringement of your constitutional rights. However, since the Constitution only protects against governmental intrusions on protected liberties, and not intrusions by deities or organized crime, you might be shit out of luck.

Sherlock would make a far better candidate for President, and he is not likely to try to manipulate public sentiment with a pretextual demonstration of advocacy for the rights of the public. He is far too honest to play the demagogue.

I like anubis's stance on the matter... This will hopefully eliminate the millions of "nice story" remarks we see and other utterly useless drivel coming from the lesser of intellect

Rourke happily pins an "I Like Rourke!" button on the lapel of each man to come up and speak in the streets.

Gentlemen, I thank you for your support of my candidacy and promise that I will fight for the rights of all of you! I notice that you are in full agreement of my "No Nude Taxes!" policy and hope that we can have an amicable resolution with the lawmakers of the world that I may continue to remain shirtless for eternity!

Killa walks up to Rourke and wishes him the best, he takes a few 100 buttons and makes it his mission to get them across Detroit to every mobster! 

I love you Rourke. You speak the words which I think, and beat me to saying them yet again..

And I would even go as far as to say I would nominate you as I believe the freedom to speak is even worth having to put up with you in the buff.

V towel-whips the unsuspecting man in the genitalia, then takes his "I Like Rourke!" badge and sticks it to his forehead