Canal View Trailer Park - 10:27 pm Thursday

I think tonight is the night.

Flowers? Check. Candles? Check. My worn and dog eared copy of "Your Changing Body and You"? Check.

Dear Journal, I'm ready.

I knew it would be an interesting night, but I had another 4 hours at least before the Rohypnol wore off. She looked so gorgeous laying there on my mom's pullout sofa. I almost wished I'd cleaned up the place before I hauled her in the trailer, but the Dorito stains on the futon were barely visible in the flickering candlelight.

Luckily, I had the place to myself. Thank you all you can eat Chinese Buffet and midnight bingo. Mom wouldn't be home until at least 3 am. Plenty of time.

I'd met Cyndi at Desperados Karaoke bar when the DJ introduced her. The way that woman belted out "Stand By Your Man"... well let's just say Tammy Wynette had nothing on her when it came to being hurt by men. This broken hearted beauty needed a real man to hold her, love her, and treat her right. Unfortunately, she was getting me and a sleepover cocktail. I could tell when a woman had standards that I couldn't meet, and her Jaclyn Smith KMart Blouse and Jordache jeans told me that she was way outta my league.

I bought her a glass of the house's finest wine. I hoped she liked Boone's Farm. But when I took it over to her table, she seemed thoroughly unimpressed. "I'm a lesbian," she said, and of course I took that to mean she was playing hard to get. She smelled amazing. An erotic blend of Marlboro Lights and Rave Mega Hold hairspray.

Her boyfriend took one look at me and threatened to cut off my nipple with the broken neck of a Corona bottle. He looked scary enough, except for the large breasts. Cyndi told him to sit down. His name was Barbara and his mullet hung down past his shoulders. I figured I wouldn't test him just yet. Cyndi was certainly worth fighting over.

I thought back to my mafia training. If only I could click a button and make Barbara swim wit da fishes. I left the glass of Boone's Farm at her table and walked back to my own booth, thinking of another strategy. Satanta would know what to do. If only I could hop on to IRC and have a little help from my friends.

Barbara got up from the table and headed back to the john. Curiously enough, he walked into the ladies' room. He must be drunker than I'd realized. But quickly I figured that this might be my best chance. I made my way quickly back to the restrooms and pushed the cigarette vending machine just far enough in front of the ladies' room door that Barbara wouldn't be able to get out, no matter how hard he tried. Then I set my eyes on Cyndi.

"Go away, creep!" she said, and it really boosted my spirits to know we'd advanced to the pet name stage. She turned away from me, leaving her whiskey unattended. It was as if fate had tickled my butt with a feather. As quickly as I could, I took the small packet from my pocket and emptied the powder into her glass. When first impressions couldn't make her love me, time would at least make her unable to say no.

Buying the ground roofies was difficult. It wasn't on my drug cheat sheet. I didn't know how much to expect, but I figured somewhere between the average for marijuana and grain alcohol. I had no idea where to buy the goods either, and my online training didn't help me out at all. After hunting forever, I found an agent by the name of Georgie Mitchell, but he wasn't as helpful as the FBN agents I was used to dealing with. He did give me a pair of shiny bracelets and a night at county, but they released me the next morning. Someone called "Diminished Capacity" got me off the hook. I never met Mister Capacity, but I sure am grateful. I didn't know how I was going to get one of my buddies to BMO.

Still, it was all worth it. Soon, Cyndi was putty in my hands, and soon after, asleep in the basket of my bicycle as I took us both home. Only when I showed her my room did the panic truly set in. I had no idea what to do! Would she understand how new I was to this? I'd read the my book. I'd watched afterschool specials. I'd talked to Premeir. Surely I could do this?

Breathe, High_Society, I reminded myself. Just open the book and follow the pictures. You can do this. I busied myself lighting the candles, and spreading out the flower petals. Then I grabbed the book.

I went to open it up to the right chapter to do the deed. I had to do this right the first time. Literally by the book.

But to my dismay, all the pages... all the important ones with pictures, diagrams and how-to stories... Sealed together with some unbreakable epoxy! I certainly didn't remember gluing them together.

With a broken heart, I wondered if Fate was tickling me again, signaling that Cyndi wasn't the right girl for me. Maybe she needed someone else, some better man who could stand by her instead of the other way around, as Ms. Wynette had suggested. For one brief second I wondered if Barbara had ever found his way home.

I looked over at my sock drawer with a sigh.

Maybe next time, journal. Maybe next time.

Thats funny, I may do a journal of my own.

Oh,oh,oh! I want one done on me GingerAle. :D

It's funny because it's true.

Oh My God!  You are just wrong!  Funny, but wrong.  Poor High Soc.  I mean, really.  Having his journal stolen and read out loud for everybody to hear.  Awful.

oh gawd, LMAO!