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The scene is set. The men are gathered. Oh, and there's a woman as well. We can't forget her. The boobies and all are rather quite memorable. But I digress. To focus: they're here, and now, to carry out the most dastardly of deeds. A theft. And a big one at that. The biggest of big ones. The Bank. So big, in fact, that it's even deserving of a proper noun. True story. But it's not just any capitalized Bank. It's the Detroit Bank of Michigan, or so I'm told. Wowzers. And again with the mammary-tangent. My apologies.
This most dastardly of deeds, to repeat, had been organized by the most bosomous of mafiosas, Godmother Marietta Rossi of Detroit. Which is why the plan is to rob the Detroit Bank of Michigan, and not the New York Bank of New York. Must have been her decision. Not much travel this way. The extra female weight must be quite a burden. By which I mean she has massive tits. But subtlety and implicit innuendos are much more awesome than crude and explicit sexual remarks. Trust me on this. A little finesse goes a long way. And so a lot must go even further. Obviously.
Assisting her in this villainous venture are three of her probably most-trusted associates. There's BrianRourke, a sudden short-term friend of Awesome, who looks remarkably well despite having not-so-recently passed away, GRHS. There's his not-really-brother Rourke, the bearded one, who insisted fervently on being the getaway driver. Probably because he's a bit of a coward. Or something. Oh, and there's Grassboy. 'Nuff said.
And then, having been approached by Rourke sometime earlier with an undeniable offer of entrepreneurial partnership, there was Mr. William Hayes, trying to look authoritative and stoic in the presence of the Queen Tyrant, and failing, and Awesome, neither trying to look authoritative nor stoic in the presence of the Queen Tyrant, and succeeding. See, even when Awesome does it wrong, he does it right. He's that awesome.
"Gentlemen, and lady, we are about to begin. Are you all ready?" Rourke asks the gathered men. And the woman. We can't forget her. As before.
The men nod, slightly nervous. The woman smiles. The Queen Tyrant fears nothing. Least of all anyone or anything which finds itself within the domain of her dominion. That being Detroit. Plus, being a woman, she's not actually going to be directly involved in the heist. Not because she's incapable, of course, because to claim the such would be such an extreme case of a sexist attitude that yours truly, and indeed Awesome himself, might find himself, and indeed himself, smitten by the Gods and City Hall officials. Which would never be a good thing. No, not at all. What I actually meant and mean by the apparently female-directed derogatory remark was and is that Godmother Marietta Rossi, the Queen-Tyrant of Detroit, has deemed it appropriate to not allow her womanly wiles to illicit heroic, and yet rash, behavioral expressions within the hearts of her comrades. Because men might do that for a woman. Human nature, like. How thoughtful and considerate of her, to be redundant.
And so it begins. Rourke, being the bearded and cowardly getaway driver, returns to the limousine within which the men, and of course the woman, had been brought to the Bank. Marietta, the woman, opens the boot of the car, the storage space, before jumping into the back seat, figuratively speaking. Her work is done. Grassboy and BrianRourke, may he rest in peace, take off towards the entrance. WillHayes and Awesome, praise be to Him, make their way towards the exit. Which, expectedly, was to where the other two were heading. But sudden repetition is an example of poor and amateur literature, that with which Awesome is not familiar.
To cut down on some unnecessary narration, the quartet enter the bank, guns a-blazing. But only to announce their presence. Wouldn't want to waste bullets now, would they? As expected, the men, women, and God-awful children scream. Music to Awesome's ears. They're then herded into the corner. Easier to control.
Now, normally in a situation like this, the robbers shout for quiet and order, and threaten to shoot those who deem it appropriate to resist. This doesn't always work. You see, if you just make promises, without actually proving yourself willing, then the would-be heroes bolster up some courage and take action. Then, if you do take out these wannabe freedom fighters, you only increase the already high levels of dissension in the others. Could cause yourself quite some trouble. The best option, then, is to hit them whilst they're down. And Awesome knows this. Obviously. Being that he is awesome and all. So, as soon as the crowd have quietened down a little, he points his gun at the nearest hostage, and shoots him in the face. Oh noes! Now, although Awesome would have preferred his victim to have been a child, the such is not intelligent. You hurt a child, or even a woman, and that unwanted dissension is certain to grow. Definitely not a good thing.
The sudden and unexpected death of one of their number came as quite a surprise and a shock. Even to Awesome's associates. They hadn't planned on being so violent so early. But such is life. Expect the unexpected, as the pretentious love to say.
Recovering slightly, Grassboy and the late BrianRourke regain their composure and bearings, and remember their task. To get the money. They charge through to the administration area, whereupon they are met by crying and cowering bank assistants. Or is it Bank Assistants? Whichever.
"Right. You, open the safe," Grassboy demands of the most smartest dressed Bank Assistant. Or bank assistant.
"I can't! I'm sorry, I can't!" he cries. Grassboy looks at BrianRourke, who looks as though he's a little under-the-weather. A little like death, really. But enough of that. Anyway, inspired by Awesome, as so many are, Brian takes a metaphorical leaf out of the former's metaphorical book, and shoots the Bank Assistant, or the bank assistant, in the face. The others cry and cower some more.
"Right. You, open the safe," Grassboy demands of the second most smartest dressed Bank Assistant. Or bank assistant. Who happens to be both black and a woman, to ensure some ethnic and gender diversity. She's probably a Jew as well. Her working in a bank being merely incidental, and not an intentional stereotype. In fact, she has a tiny button-like nose. Capiche? Are we kosher? Good. And to continue.
"Okay, okay, please don't shoot!" she cries. She picks herself up and rushes over to the safe area, the two criminals following in her wake, while we return to Awesome and WillHayes, those model New Yorkers, who are, awesomely, ensuring the cooperation of their hostages and on the lookout for police type fellows. And stuff. Awesome is humming, as he does. A big fan of music. He's better at things when there's a nice melody in the air. Relaxing, like. Allows for a more intent focus.
Now, remember earlier when I spoke of wannabe heroes and stuff? Well, we have one here, and now. Apparently the shooting of her fellow hostage did little to dampen her desire for fame and praise. Probably because she's an idiot. Being a janitor, and all. And, yes, women can be janitors, thank you very much. We are, after all, in a modern 1930's. Sexual equality is the norm, and it is perfectly acceptable and standard for women to have a job in what might usually be considered to be male-dominated careers. Just look at Ms. Marietta, for example.
Well, this janitress, to give her a gender-suitable title, despite the word 'janitor' not actually implying genetic masculinity, although the same is also true of both "waiter" and "actor", and also of 'doctor', but with this latter not being modified for woman folk, has decided to try to save the day. Being a member of staff here at the bank, or rather the Bank, she has full knowledge of what was where and stuff. She knows where to find the alarm button. But knows that she'd have to be quick. And so quick she was. With a sudden and unexpected dash, she catches both WillHayes and Awesome unaware, and runs towards the nearby office. WillHayes, quicker off the mark, raises his gun and fires. But, luckily for the janitor, and expected of the unawesome, he misses. The lady had cheated death by just a few inches! Praise be to God, like!
And then, with all the suddenness of suddenity, this being somewhat of a trademark narrational description, the alarm rings. RING RING RING. Or something.
"Grr," Awesome growls. Like a bear. Must unwanted. Now the cops would be coming. Which makes things difficult. And Awesome doesn't like his things to be difficult. Effort is tiring. He turns towards the administrative area, within which BrianRourke and Grassboy were collecting the money, and shouts for them to hurry up.
"Hurry up!" Awesome shouts. See, what did I say? Spot on. Pure awesome.
The other two emerge, BrianRourke carrying a few bags of what is presumably money. And lots of it. Again, pure awesome. The four criminal people, finished and done, run out of the bank. The sound of sirens meets their ears. Because sirens are sounding. Obviously. The police, I expect. And so too does Awesome. Which means it must be correct. And, surprise surprise, shock shock, horror horror, there are the police. Speeding down towards the Bank.
Pausing for only a second, Grassboy, BrianRourke, WillHayes, and Awesome head towards the limo. Brian's a little faster, even carrying all that extra weight, his zombie legs not tiring for a moment. The other three are slacking. Reaching the car, BrianRourke, GRHS, throws the bags into the boot and closes the lid. And then, major plot development, and a very sudden one at that, a policeman jumps out of the police car that had just arrived, and shoots Brian in the chest. He falls over dead. Again. Rest in peace, my friend. Rest in peace, indeed.
Rourke, seeing this, and having seen the money placed safely in his boot, steps on the peddle and escapes, Ms. Marietta in the bank, drinking champagne. They're obviously very upset about BrianRourke's death, although it not actually being his first slightly dampening what was once a most distressing of times. But shit happens.
Watching as the car drives away with the money, Awesome, WillHayes, and Grassboy slow to a stop. They're screwed, big time. No escape. No reward. Nothing. And with lots of police closing upon them. Awesome sighs. Fuck.
True story. |
