Located in a run down, weather worn shack was a business on the up. The apprearence was unimportant to the owner. Infact, the more run down it appeared the better. Bender didn't want anyone who wasn't conducting business there being there, looking there or even noticing it there.

Milton, a middle aged man with thick glasses arrived to open the shack up. He didn't hang any signs up, as he'd been instructed. Inside there was already a desk. It had the filing cabinets already set up, a desk and a poster of the employee on the wall behind the chair. On top of the desk were a fresh bach of "chump" files, containing the unwitting local assets. Stationary and a black stapler.

Milton immediately paced over and threw the stapler in the bin. He looked around. Despite it's outward appearence, this office definitely had more space available in it.

Realising the potential that more people may end up coming to the business now it was expanding and it would take a toll on his vocal chords, Milton wrote up the terms & conditions of the services offered and stapled it down to his desk, upside from his perspective, so clients could read it when they came in and took a seat.

Bender's Chumps 'R' Us

 

Here at Bender's Chumps 'R' Us, we provide the fall guys, or set ups for others to take the fall for things.

Whether you want to commit a crime, from stealing candy from a baby or assassinating government officials, we can provide a patsy to take the blame leaving you to roam around scott free.

If you have a gripes about someone, a cheating ex-lover or a rival gang leader we can have them take the blame for crimes they didn't even commit.

 

 

Terms & Conditions

 

• We provide the patsy if you don't have a specific target in mind
• We provide the services to enable the chump to take the fall
• We charge extra for any high profile cases that draw unwanted attention
• Once the plan of action has been agreed upon and the contract signed there are no refunds, no alterations, no substituions, no cancellations.
• We do NOT accept responsibility for loss of sleep or any accidents caused by said lack of sleep
• We do NOT accept responsibility for feelings of guilt and shame or the cost of medicating those feelings away
• Any attempts to mention our business to the authorities will result in you and your loved ones being added to the "chump file"

 

Knowing that he had an appointments booked for later, Milton kicked back in the chair, put his hands on his head, his feet up on the table and allowed himself to day dream. Staring blankly at the new ceiling for a while. 

Bender stopped by in detroit on his way over to the east coast. He hadn't heard anything from his Detroit branch of "Chumps 'R' Us" Though the place was a complete ghost town with the locals being so uncommunicative that they wouldn't bother to stop for a social drink in a pub, never mind ask for help setting up a chump... there should have still been at least 1 disgruntled employee, maybe from out of town, in need of a patsy scheme.

Bender entered to find Milton staring blankly at the wall, mumbling under his breath something about his stapler bringing all the boys to the yard.

"OI!" Bender shouts. "Meatbag! Wheres my damned business??"

Milton springs up, startled "Err, well, you see... Mr Bender, sir. There's not been any" Bender rudely interupted him mid-sentance "I'm sorry did I ask you where my damned excuses for the lack of business were?? Get out there and tell people they need our business, you chump, or you'll find yourself being the next patsy!"

With that Bender exits slamming the door behind him and nearly shattering the splintering shack. Milton mutters under his breath then goes back to day dreaming with his feet up on the table.

Bender had spent the last few hours furiously contacting everyone he could. All his informants, the squealers, the potential chumps he'd allow to get off the hook if only they spilt the beans.

No matter where he went Bender couldn't seem to locate where Appelsap would be moving his Animal House to. All he knew was it was bound to happen soon and time was running short for Bender to get all the supplies he needed for the job he had planned relocated to where they needed to be.

He frantically shouted at Milton, throwing his stapler up the wall in anger.

"Why are you still here?! I've covered this entire city from top to bottom. No one here knows, so why havn't you left to pressure the chumps in other cities for this info?"

Bender kicked Milton's butt out of the door. Took a deep breath, for some reason, then sat behind the desk, put his feet up on it, lit a Cigar and took out a couple of darts from his chest compartment to throw at the picture of his employee on the wall.

After spending a day, miserably failing to make any real loot Bender heads over to his detroit branch of his business empire. As if it to kick him in the shin during an already dull day, he noticed that there was absolutely no business come this way. The new folks in town had had plenty of time to rebuild their businesses and get their shit together. However these folks were clearly lacking in any organisation or ambition when it came to business affairs. The M.O of the locals seemed to be, be quiet, don't communicate, don't rock the boat, don't try and don't attempt to communicate with the business owners in their city.

Bender walked over to the desk that Milton would be behind if there had been a reason, sat in his chair, opened the bottom draw and took out a bottle of scotch Milton thought Bender didn't know he kept there. He pours himself a glass, raises it by himself, to himself and gives a toast... To the memory of the previous occupants who made the city great... and to the future generations who will replace the current occupants. May fortune forever smile on those who put effort into their affairs. Bender was less than happy with what he saw had happened to the once proud motor city. The present regime had decided that they knew how to, and could do better. There was only evidence to the contrary and this almost saddened Bender. Fortunately for him, he was brought into this world emotionless.

After several drinks Bender puts the bottle back and leaves. He stretches his arms and legs and decided he may as well go throw stones at the windows of the derelict businesses that no one would care about

Returning from another wild night out at his vegas casino, Bender checks in to his detroit busines branch. He sees that as normal no one has bothered with or tried to disturb the business

He sits down in the chair behind the desk and flicks on the radio: The Craberries - Zombie

was playing through. He took out two of the glasses that Milton kept in the bottom draw along with the half bottle of jack's that he'd already opened his previous visit. He poured himself a shot and one into the other glass. He drank his shot and poured another.

After reading his messages he found out that CandyCocaine had had her hotel room burgled by someone who was clearly looking for something specific. Bender picked up the telephone and called his local people to see if any of them could locate her to deliver a message to her

"The shack between EdBren's dealership and Ricky's burnt down pit-stop... No one will be looking here for anyone..."

With that Bender places the reciever down on the telephone and kicks his feet up on the table, sipping at his whiskey and listening to the music playing through the radio

Rayln walked into the place and looked around, "Interesting." She said as she made her way towards Bender. "So," she said as she stopped in front of him, if Robots could have genders, "How does it work, exactly?" she asked curious. She didn't really want some poor helpless kid taking the blame for what she needed done, but at the same time, she wasn't exactly going to throw her life in the shitter just because of this deal. She tapped her toe, and waited for Bender to answer. 

Checking back in on an old family property Ron noticed that new business had opened up beside it. It was another branch of Bender's and to Ron this meant he should probably have someone clean up the lot next door, since the "freak accident" had caused the fire at his brother's shop and Ron miraculously benefited from the insurance. Ron walked up to the desk to make a proposal to Bender .

So, I happen to be the owner of the property next door. As part of a clean up effort, I am have the lot cleaned and re-purposed. Im willing to give you the deal of a lifetime and sell it to you. If not I will turn it in to baseball diamond and you will be forced to listen to kids having fun and enjoying life anytime you visit your store.

Knowing Bender probably wasn't too keen on the idea of hearing kids actually enjoying their lives, Ron patiently awaited his reply on the offer to purchase the property.

WHAT?! Bender slammed his fist into the desk. Through gritted teeth he glared at Ron_Burgundy.

"This is an outrage! You wouldn't DARE enable the local brats to enjoy themselves, I don't believe it! I'm calling your bluff!"

Bender could see Ron's well rehearsed face of 'keep the expression the same to not let them know what I'm thinking'. He wasn't sure whether it was because he had nothing or because he was enjoying the potential to introduce a little sunshine into the local kids by introducing baseball to them. Either way, Bender couldn't risk it. Only he was allowed to go around swinging baseball bats, especially at balls that would eventually end up going through the local business' windows. 

"Fine... I'll take it from you. In exchange for you not threatening me with the happiness of anyone, ever again!" Bender sighs warily "You know where the family vault is"

Bender finished his business with his Right Hand Man, Ron. He then motioned for him to exit so Bender could discuss the private matter of robosexualities and teach Rayln the details of the bots and bees.

Bender struts over to the desk, and casually sits on it. trying to look suave as he does. He pours a glass of whiskey with one hand, whilst running his hand over his antenna. He slicks it back, and as soon as his hand goes far back enough, it springs back up with a vibrating 'BOING' 

"All you need to know.." He says as he takes Rayln's hand and smooches it, gentleman like "Is that I'm aaall man, babeh." 

he drinks his shot and looks at Rayln.

"so what's this business you have with us here?"

She delved into a fit of coughing, "Honey, I meant Honey." she said between gasping for air and hacking her lungs up. "Jeesh, maybe I'm a robot, my circuits seem to be misfiring." she rolled her eyes. "Anyway, I was curious about how the process works," she told Bender "But I've been waiting so long, that I fear the person I wanted to do erm, business with, has passed."

Zoidberg was shuffling down the street looking for something to eat. He approached a building with a sign saying Bender's Chump 'R' Us upon it. The door was ajar, so Zoidberg squeezed himself through the gap.

He quickly observed that there was no one paying attention to the huge trash can in the corner nearest the door. Scuttling over he began to rifle through the contents, he did this surprisingly quickly and quietly, for he was experienced in the art of retrieving goodies from the garbage.

He caught sight of a burger box and snatched at it, it felt heavy; there was an almost complete burger in the box!

Quickly grabbing the burger, Zoidberg gobbled it down in one go, making a revolting slurping noise as he did so.

"Ahh, so delicious. It was with the extra cheese, it was, so wonderful!" he commented as he threw the empty burger box onto the floor.