Hello everyone, I know you're all busy so I won't keep you too long (those witness statements won't request themselves after all), I just have a quick announcement.

Besides Toast Eragon getting auth for totally, 100% his achievements alone and not a sycophantic java-romance with his buddy, something else monumental happened today; a promising Wise Guy was gunned down in cold blood. The infinitely talented, twintown, was slain, one assumes, by his own boss for reasons unknown and likely fabricated. No explanation was offered, I, like millions of others, was attending the funeral for the great man when the mourners were rudely interrupted by a certain Minion, who barged in, shouted "NO WS required!" before promptly exiting without another word.

I'm no saint, but I found that to be pretty offensive and in clear violation of funeral etiquette! There I was sharing a story about the mighty twintown and his many achievements - the enormous grain alcohol haul he snatched back in '29 for example, or the eclipse he documented fastidiously for all to enjoy as another - only to be cut off mid-flow by a murderer. Has this Minion no manners? Can she not express herself in a respectable way and instead she must enter funerals of her victims and make pronouncements about their killing in front of civilians? I, for one, am shocked. 

Shocked and appalled.  

I don't feel I would be doing my duty as newly self-appointed Mafia Champion if I let this slide without recourse.  Therefore, my associates and I are going to be muscling in on the business interests of this "Minion", (and in case you don't know who she is if she hasn't interrupted you whilst you were having dinner with your parents or losing your virginity or something; she runs an outfit from the North Side of Chicago) and will be doing all we can to wreak HAVOC and DESTRUCTION amongst her crew.

Being the good Christian boy that he is, our beloved friend Dillinger has already started this important work to improve manners in North Side and many more will follow.

Watch this space for further updates and please, join me in praying for Mrs Twintown who not only lost her only son, but was denied the proper opportunity to say goodbye to him. What a woman.