Bless you my child.

Have YOU sinned?  We are all sinners, but we must repent.

I will take your confession in confidence here.

You may start....

Rayln was thankful that finally there was someone around to listen to her many sins. "Forgive me father, for I have sinned." she started as she held up a hand and started ticking them off the list, "First, I have to confess that I've gone and filled half of Eorati's shampoo with green hair dye in hopes that he will look silly." she said with a sigh, "Secondly, I wanted WiggleButt to sing songs about me, so I've been," she pauses to choke back a sob of shame, "stuffing my bra with bits of bacon." she sighs and continues. "I've also replaced Foamy's heart medicine with birth control, because I want to see if he will grown an impressive set of tits." she crossed herself, "This is only the tip of the iceberg, shall I continue?" she asked. 

*looks at Jesus Christ suspiciously*

erm, aren't you the purportedly magic Jew?  and if so, why are you taking confession, a known habit of the catholic.....................HOLY FUCK, WHERE DID THESE TITS COME FROM?

Please do continue,my child.

What you have thus far disclosed is of course sinful but God loves you.

"Right well, if you insist." she told him as she made herself a bit more comfortable. "Where were we?" she asked and then remembered, "Ah yes, sin number four. Well, I must confess that its not butter. It's never butter. I know, its hard to believe, but there you have it." she told him, "And my fifth sin is that I do know the muffin man, but he's in witness protection, so I can't reveal his location to anyone." 

"My sixth sin is a bit of a doozy, When Honesty- is sleeping I like to put his hand in warm water and then laugh at him the next morning when he sheepishly asks Clara to do his laundry." she shook her head, "Seventh is probably the worst of the bunch though, I'm not entirely sure you're prepared to deal with the depravity that is my mind." she said to him squinting. 

Jesus, If I am not mistaken you were/are a Jew, and the Jewish people have a Rabi and us Catholics have priests. I am confused, please enlighten me on how to confess in the Jewish way.

We are all God's children, but there is only one, true, faith, and the rest are invalid.

I walked up to the so called jesus christ and looked at him in the eyes.

Why are you part of The Hell Cooperative

Invalid, such a tricky word. In the Netherlands, a country west of Italy, they use the word to respectfully to refer to someone who is disabled. I once addressed someone not-so-Dutch as invalid. Awkward. 

Anyways, confessions. I once pretended to be a nun and really hit it off with a priest in Amsterdam. A wonderful sin. What punishment do you recommend for this sin Father?

Forgive me father for I let Bubba have his way with me in my most recent visit to the city Jail...... And it bemoans me to admit it but I actually enjoyed the experience. He was so gentle and loving...

Does this mean I will go to Hell?

Arwen was walking down the street when she sees this guy who is proclaiming himself to be the prophet. The son of the almighty God. She walks up to him and takes a bow.

"Father dont forgive me for I have committed the ultimate sin. I have joined the Mafia and so am going to Hell anyway."

She takes another bow and goes on about her business.

"forgive me father for i have sinned, it's been 25 years since my last confession."

well.... im addicted, i need some advisement to stay away from the titty bars.... help me

"Jesus, it's me, Swarley. What up? I'm not here to confess for anything, because I have no regrets for my awesome life. The only thing I am here to do today is receive an almighty five from the holiest man I know. ALMIGHTY FIVE!"

Swarley raises his hand to receive the holiest of fives from the Lord.

Rae quickly runs over and slaps her hand against Swarles Barkley's. "Aw yeah, I am now the holiest man you know.." she grinned, "Get it?" she said, "Because I'm a lady." she laughed and returned to her pew before saying, "I suppose you just witnessed sin seven, my brilliantly funny and completely wonderful jokes." she lowered her voice, "About lady parts."

Honesty was feeling extremely down tonight. He felt a huge pressure on his shoulders as if a heavy cloud was pouring rain on him. Quite literally, actually. It was pouring a storm and Honesty needed to find a building to have some shelter as he left the pleasure of his home without a car nor a chauffeur nor any company. Tonight, he decided he needed a break from the life of crime and that's why he decided to walk the streets of New York at this lonely hour by himself. It was nice and peaceful with a slight chilly breeze when he first departed. Now.... Now it was a shit show... It looked as if the streets were going to flood with all this rain. While thinking about finding a shelter, Honesty saw one miraculously as if his prayers had been answered. Quite literally, actually. It was a church. He opened the large doors and only a few people were there, including the pastor. There was a booth in a corner of the church and Honesty went towards it as he didn't want to be seen by the general populous. He went in this booth, which had no door, only curtain closed and sat down on a bench. It was a really small space and he felt crammed. He took his jacket off in some sort of a contortionist's movement, and put it on his lap. A sliding panel opened when he was taking his jacket off that made Honesty jump a little. Quite literally, actually. His head hit the top of this booth. There was a voice on the other side. Something about cleansing his soul. Confessions. Honesty thought this was a sort of police trap looking to get confessions out of Hoensty so that they could later arrest him. He decided to confess true stories, but which had a comedic turn. 

"I have sinned. My actions post too much of a heavy burden on me. Please forgive me."

The man inside the booth told him to proceed and Honesty did.

"I have done many treacherous things in my life. I have done, I still do and I always will, until the day I die."

Honesty cleared his throat. 

"To start with, we need to go back to the people who raised me into becoming the successful, good looking, legendary man I am today. It all started with Eorati. It all started with him basically. He was a rough hound, he was. However, one day, I took it too far..... I decided to prank him... Only later I realized that I had crossed a line. I went into his HQ and dumped bowls and bowls of blueberries on his desk. He started drooling. Then, I took a hammer from a bag I had brought in and started smashing all the blueberries. Eorati started crying. It was such a sad scene to see. Him, a man of great stature, balling his eyes out like a toddler.

I have done more, father. I have pushed Clara down one too many flights of stairs when I was leading my great and honorable family. It was a perfect opportunity too. When she picked herself off the floor, she tried putting on a mean face, but all I saw was a gush of blood covering her face. I laughed. It took her months to forgive me. I had to place all my cards on the table. Thankfully, it was enough and I hope she knows the love I bear for her.

Also, my Right Hand Woman, Rayln, who acts more and more as a man these days has been forsaken by me too. In fact, I have sinned far too many times in relation to actions made towards her whether it be directly or indirectly. For example, I have cheated on Rayln. I cheated on her with another woman. I felt terrible. It happened one night..." 

Single tear.

"She was in my room... I knew it was wrong, but it felt so good. I can't express the sensations I felt.... It was a thrill, but never again. I have cheated on her with another woman... IT WAS CLARA!!!!!!!!! I made her RHW instead of Rayln.... There you go!!! I said it!!!!! I dared never speak of it again, but I couldn't hold it in. I made her RHW behind Rayln's back, in front of her and many times as a joke. I have cheated on her....... I won't anymore though, for I have learned my lesson.... One RHW at a time because I can't appoint both of them......"

Double tears.

"I have more to say, but I don't know if I should say it... It might land me in trouble."

"No Rayln. No. This hand is not for you. Not now, at least. Retraction five! Do you even know why Jesus was so awesome? Well let me tell you. It was cause he was the ultimate bro. He died for our sins, which is so selfless and cool, and then waited three days to come back to life. It was perfect! Seriously, if he had only been gone for a single day, then people wouldn't have even known that he died.

Everyone would see him and be like, 'Oh hey, Jesus. What's new?' and Jesus would be like, 'What's new? I died on the cross yesterday! How 'bout them apples?' and then people wouldn't believe him. They'd be all, 'Uh, you look like you're alive and kickin' right now, bro...' and then Jesus would have to explain how the soldiers nailed him up, then he hit the reset button to be resurrected, and it was a miracle and what not. People would be like 'Oh.. okay. Jesus has been turning too much water into wine again' and carry on with their lives. 

And you know he wouldn't come back on a Saturday. Everyone's out doing things, taking care of business, working the corners, trading their goods, obviously. But no, he waited the perfect amount of days, three. Even better, it's already Sunday, so everyone is in church mourning about Jesus being dead and all. People would probably be crying, since everyone would have heard and then BAM! Here comes Jesus through the back door, making a grand appearance as he sprints down the aisle. You know everyone would be jumping out of their seats to praise him, and just in case you didn't know, that's when the high five was invented. Yes, Jesus was a total bro and that's why we always, always, always wait three days to call a woman. That's how long Jesus wants us to wait and he even did it himself. True story."