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The New York Post - Issue 2
A Letter From The Editress
Wow, big weekend. An admin competition and two auths right around when I was originally going to publish. Alas, a printing delay had to be instituted to include these stories. I hope you enjoy the paper now, though it be a tad late. As always, we maintain that all statements printed below passed a rigorous fact check to ensure truthiness or better.
Iota Moves to Chicago
Youngsta, November 22
CHICAGO - Underboss Iota, who has worked in New York since he was born back in June of this year, has been given the nod to move out to his own city! Chicago will be the new host to The Crackerjack Coalition and everyone is very excited about restoring some good hard leadership to The Windy City.
Now for a bit about the man behind the suit: Don Iota was given his rise to boldness in unfortunate circumstances. The previous day Don Brandon_Heat unfortunately suffered a fatal gun malfunction. This was shocking news for everyone in New York and across the 8 cities. A loved character, a fair boss, and a good friend, his demise left a gap in New York that no one thought could be filled. However, on the 6th of October Don Iota was chosen as a replacement by Don Deimne, still under the watchful eye of Godfather ThomasRourke at this point.
Iota got off to a good start. He managed to save the vast majority of Brandon's family before they were eaten by the vultures. He even appointed the late Brandon's son as Left Hand Man to The CrackerJack Coalition. Business was good until the 17th of October, when less than two weeks after Iota took the ropes to his own headquarters Godfather ThomasRourke retired. Some say these two events were connected by a stench left in Rourke's headquarters whenever Iota came to visit. After this, Iota worked directly for colleague, longstanding friend, and now Godfather Deimne.
Nearly two weeks ago now New York, along with Philly and Las Vegas jumped into a little scuffle between New Orleans and a few other cities. Needless to say, the good guys won, but this left a gap in the cities of Chicago and Los Angeles. Both cities have been crying out for some quality leadership for longer than I can remember. Today I think, is the day we see a new a new lease on life for the Windy City!
The FlabFather
Don Keypunch, November 22
CHICAGO - Iota, long time Don of New York made a big move this week, taking on the city of Chicago to further cement that he is the greatest of all Fudge munchers. The move was a long and tiresome one, mostly because Iota needed to be air lifted out of New York, but also because of the numerous trips having to be made to get all of Iota's food out of his numerous refrigerators.
Setting up shop in the nearest burger king, Iota laid down the ground work for a great rising new loaf of bread, and some city plans as well, but he didn't spend much time on that. After the bread was baked, it was devoured in seconds, and the flabby one made his first action as Chubfather. He authorized a whole Bag o Donuts to set up a headquarters! Only after sticking his fingers in and eating out the bag o' Donuts that is.
Taking along side 10 expert food servers Iota now wobbles around as King of the Obese, Ruler of Burgers. Also he runs Chicago on weekends... in between snack breaks. Congratulations to Iota on being able to call yourself the fattest monstrosity to achieve the position of Godfather, and Vinnie_BagoDonuts on becoming the Big Man's captain.
Cryptic Steps Up, Sibilo Steps Down
Lucretia, November 24
NEW YORK - Late on the night of the 24th, New York boss Lucretia_Borgia made an announcement about the future of Sibilo's crew and its Right Hand Mystery Man, Cryptic. It seems that it was time for the role of captain to be passed on from one to the other.
According to our sources, Sibilo had had been prone to long absences as he took care of his sick mother back in the old country, and it had become necessary for the Big Apple to revise his status as a captain. Much like Las Vegas captain Tie (see infra, Tie Steps Down), it was simply impossible to continue business as normal under such circumstances. Although it had been a productive captaincy and no ill-will was harbored, things would simply work better with someone else at the helm.
The natural choice to take over, Right Hand Man Cryptic, was named as the successor for Sibilo to work as the captain of Lucretia_Borgia. He made a speech introducing his new family, the Inscrutables, saying of his replacement of Sibilo "They are shoes that will not be easy to fill, and I recognise that I am taking the place of a fine leader, but I assure you that there will be no deterioration of standards when it comes to this Captaincy." New York is proud to welcome Cryptic as its newest bold-suited member. We're sure you'll do well.
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Freedom Dies in New Orleans
Youngsta, November 22
New Orleans - This week the mafia world and especially New Orleans was shocked yet again with the death of MissFreedom. What made the situation even more bizarre was that fact that MissFreedom was not shot by a rival. Nor did her gun malfunction. Nor did she take her own life. So what went on in New Orleans that night? Did she just disappear? Well, no. In fact, the Gods struck her down from the life of crime.
Unknown to many, MissFreedom was actually in a relationship with her Right Hand Man, GillianSeed. You might think this was the perfect partnership, though few knew about it. However, it just so happens that GillianSeed's forefathers have been banned from the mafia altogether by godly edict. Their acts put his name into disrepute, and he shall never join the life of crime again until the Gods see fit to let him wander once again away from the straight and narrow.
Obviously when the Gods became aware of the presence of a banned lineage not only walking the streets belonging to the mafia, but also the second in command for a reputable family, well, they were not particularly pleased.
Gillian was swiftly struck down. Moments later MissFreedom joined her lover in the after life for her decision to harbor a marked man as her own Right Hand. Rest well, MissFreedom, and may your lineage make better decisions in the future.
Tie Steps Down, Inspector_Clouseau Steps Up
Lucretia, November 28
LAS VEGAS - This evening Godmother Aurora made a public appearance alongside her Right Hand Man BrianRourke to announce that there would be a sort of changing of the guard in Sin City. Her longstanding captain, Tie, will be replaced as the leader of The Street Kingdom by Tie's Right Hand Man, Inspector_Clouseau, whose name will be shortened to "Inspector" for the remainder of the column because the editress can't spell it.
Godmother Aurora stated that Tie's leadership was discontinued due to his term absences. Tie, for his part, had not been seen for nearly three weeks, since the 10th of November, and before this had seemed to only show up to work on the occasional weekend evening to pick up his mail for later reading. When he gets around to his now-closed headquarters, Tie will sell it and rejoin Godmother Aurora's family.
The Good Inspector then turned to face the crowds which had gathered and offered a few words of his own. After thanking the Godmother for her wise decision, he promised to uphold the high standards of Las Vegas. Furthermore, he reiterated the Godmother's earlier request that the now-homeless members of Tie's crew should be offered the same protection as all Las Vegas members.
More important than any of this, however, was the promise that all drinks at The Maple Leaf would be on the house in celebration of the event. I, for one, plan to celebrate by getting drunk and making decisions I will later regret.
More Changes in Saint Louis
Lucretia, November 28
SAINT LOUIS - Late on what turned out to be a very busy day for the mafia, Don Grassboy of Saint Louis appeared on the streets to announce the beginning of a new crime family in the city and the terms of his own authing program, wherein mafiosos from any city may request to set up within Saint Louis via an application process.
First things first, Grassboy indicated that Striphe, a long time member of Godfather ThomasRourke and then Godfather Deimne, would be authorized to set up in his city. Don Striphe then took to the streets to introduce himself and his family The Corelli Mob, offering his history in the city of New York and a few thoughts on the future of the Gateway to the West, saying he wished to improve the business district. It was a relatively brief speech, but this was understandable in light of the crazy day of jail breaking (see supra, "I Never Want To See a Full Jail Again!" by Lucretia) and everyone just wanting some rest at the time.
Grassboy also outlined and updated the system of auth which would be in place in Saint Louis, much along the same lines as Godfather Rourke before him. Those looking for auth should first (step #2) gain the permission of their own bosses and Godfathers before completing step #1 and sending in an application to Grassboy explaining their qualifications for the position and desire for joining Saint Louis. Those whose applications are approved will have their leaders contacted and a rules sheet to sign before Grassboy will deliver a speech indicating their permission to set up in his fair city. The resulting leaders will be, like the previous systems, mostly independent and required to settle their own matters with other cities, including any applicable taxes.
We hope that Grassboy's continuing innovative leadership will prove a boon to his city. With luck, the scheme will provide a ready source of competent leaders, like Striphe, to fill Saint Louis with able-bodied gangsters.
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A New Capo Decina in Philadelphia
Panda, November 28
PHILADELPHIA - Don Morgan, right hand woman for Paul_Vidi and The Wolfpack was given her own headquarters in Philadelphia on November 28 at 12:26 pm. She has worked along side Paul_Vidi for many long months. Paul finally decided it was time to allow her to truly prove herself.
After Paul_Vidi's announcement, Morgan stepped forward to give a speech. She described how grateful to Philadelphia and especially Paul_Vidi. She exclaimed that he "has taught me all the in and outs of our world and how to hold myself and my fellow wolves accountable for our actions and to give back to the community as it gives to us." She spoke shortly on her new family, deciding that she would continue in all traditions of The Wolfpack and naming her right hand man as DonPardo. She then announced that celebrations would be taking place in The Liberty Bell Showroom.
Only six hours later, at 18:38, Morgan and The Wolfpack were found in The Liberty Bell Showroom celebrating her new responsibility. Morgan gave a short speech detailing a small contest that she would be holding. She decided to give a reward to the best customer of The Liberty Bell Showroom within a time frame of twenty four hours starting at 19:00 pm. The winner of this contest was Donovan_Hades of The Wolfpack.
I would like to congratulate Don Morgan on behalf of The New York Post. We have seen what she is capable as a right hand woman and now look forward to what she will accomplish as Capo Decina of The Wolfpack.
It's Aurora's Birthday!
Lucretia, November 28
LAS VEGAS - The New York Post would like to extend its warmest congratulations to the Godmother of Las Vegas, Aurora, on achieving the impressive feat of living this life of crime for an entire year. Thus far, this impressive achievement had only been accomplished by the legendary Marietta, ThomasRourke, and not so legendary BrianRourke. Our hat is off to you, Aurora. The celebration and a wonderful biography of Aurora's life of crime can be found here.
Point/Counterpoint: Stephen-Grammauta Retires
A Weekly Column by Lucretia
Point: Why Would You Do This To Me?
A Former Stephen-Grammuata Member
Oh my God! My boss is dead. What happened, where did he go, why is he gone? I'm not at war, am I? Quick, you, you're in bold, can I have an invite? I'm hardworking and was one of Stephen's Subcrew leaders (heh heh, no one's around to question that one, it's sure to work!) and I always work hard and will donate a lot. Please help me out here?
What happened? I don't know! Here I was, confidently striding into the 7-11 like usual, ready to hold it up and take all their money and lucky stripes too, and I get outside and people are screaming for reasons other than my cheap hockey mask. Stephen had up and left. I was in such shock the owner of the 7-11 came out, beat me up, and took his money back. It was awful. When the police came, and questioned me and tried to figure out which branch of the mob I was in, I didn't even have someone to lie to protect. I was a nobody.
When that was done, I heard that a few of my friends had been shot in accidents, despite the quick protection order given, and I grieved for the unnecessary losses that had happened. And I grieved because I still had no idea why he did it. Stephen, was this all some sort of cruel joke you were playing on us, only to come back sometime? Why would you leave me homeless, at the mercy of others, and give up everything we had worked for together? This was a horrible, tragic day. I just want to have a peaceful time earning money with my boss, and you had to spoil my modest dreams. Sobs. All you have done is bring dishonor to our city, and for no good reason either. I thought the world of you, you were one of the greats, and you've let me down.
Counterpoint: Thank you, Stephen!
Nelson Muntz
Points to the homeless and laughs. Oh man, that's rich, the ultimate comeuppance for joining a guy like that. Seriously folks, case in point, know a bit about your boss before you decide he's a good guy to pledge your loyalty to.
So, what we have here is a case where someone has done us all a favor and clipped himself instead of waiting for us to do it for him. Bravo! Sometimes when people find themselves in a position that's too big for them to handle on their own, they'll respond by trying to bullshit their way out of it, but you, Stephen, took the more honorable approach and recognized your inadequacy and quit. Bravo!
You looked at your street presence, realized that it was nothing, not even an introduction speech when you were authed by Rourke, and decided it was inadequate. You looked at your members, whom you had been killing at a rate of about five per day, and decided you were letting them down by not being there to teach them how to avoid trouble. You looked at yourself, and realized the only reason someone like you had become bold in the first place was by default, being the only person who was ranked above Wise Guy when Rourke hit Godfather and needed to send his people somewhere. You looked at your Right Hand Men, all eight or nine of them, and realized the reason you had switched them about so much was because in your whole family, you had no one you could trust completely with every affair. So you did the world a favor, and rid us of yourself and your family, leaving more capable hands to show them the ropes and keep them safe. If only more people could realize they are destined to be followers, not leaders, things would run much more smoothly.
I, for one, salute this decision and think it far from a disgraceful act that brought shame to Saint Louis, but instead as an honorable stepping down of a man unable to fill his suit. Thank you, Stephen-Grammuata, for your honest opinion of yourself.
You Decide: Stephen's Retirement - Good or bad?
In light of the above, and this speech by the heir of the Grammauta name, do you believe the retirement of this leader was good or bad? Cast your ballot here!
Last Week's Results
Which Exactly is WillHayes?
Zombie - 63%
Jesus - 37%
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Mafia Zeros
Don Keypunch
Mafia Zeros is a weekly article taking a deeper look at the people behind the ranks (and often times army of Bodyguards.) This week: The rack that is Kates.
Kates, the reputable Don from Detroit, is known the world over for being a kind hearted and lovely woman. But this reporter has found her to be far from the saintly figure we have all come to know and love.
Rumors have begun to spread of Kates running several prostitution rings, but it's not employing no name smack addicts you find in the streets. No, no this temptress is using members of her own crime organization!
This reporter got a letter from one "Revan T. Barbarian" who was outraged at how little work he was getting. A perfectly fine specimen put to waste. Kates would enter the backroom and go through more customers then Iota goes through Crunchy Cheetos! Hogging up all the work and profits, Kates members have been up in arms over such practices with many being silenced before the truth can come out. Fear not. The truth will come out. Kates mark this down: the people will not stand by while you hog up all the money and give out cheap tricks. We demand equality! No longer can this stand! Unless of course you give yours truly [ed: and me!] a discount.
Worry not violet, Lanziee, Lea, Denozo & Revan. Your lives will not go forgotten, for surely this truth with bring down Kates, today's big Zero.
Tune in next week for Fame! Fortune! And Syphilis! Only in Mafia Zeros!
I Never Want To See a Full Jail Again
A Rant by Lucretia, November 28
Editress note, written as if the editress isn't the author: This rant was delivered in large part during the last few hours of an all day long jail breaking marathon. Your dissatisfaction with jail breaks is not guaranteed.
Jails. Everyone loves them, and the experience of breaking - Success! Kendra was set free. - their friends out from time to time fills us with the joy of camaraderie and - Success! Marco was set free. - leaves us feeling like we've done something productive, something that will help get us to the - Success! ScipitaRourke was set free. - next rank that we've been questing at like birday after Consig.
From time to time, you'll hear a hater out there remark that no, jails are not the wonderful cure-all to the - Success! Administrator was set free. - problems of society, but for the most part they are quickly shunned by all right-thinking people of the world. It was not until today, the 28th of November, that I realized just how right these - You were thrown in the slammer! - people really were. Jailbreaking is, quite simply, the devil's work. What unholy being designed a malicious system like this one, where the time between attempts was just long enough that you feel like you need to - Falure. You escaped, but Necrophiliac did not. - do something else in the meantime, yet short enough that there is not a single thing on the planet you can actually accomplish while attempting to - Success! Silvio was set free. - run your fill of jailbreaks? Such a being would have designed the perfect torture, the worst kind of hell, where no matter what you are doomed to dissatisfaction as you feel like you should be doing something more - That user is not in the city jail. That user is not in the city jail. That user is not in the city jail. Success! Belle has been set free. - but you can never figure out what exactly it could be. Worse yet, as you continue to work your way through the jails, you realize just how fast time is flying by. Your life is being wasted, twenty - Success! None was set free. - seconds at a time, and there's nothing you can do about it except hope that you get to that next admin before the other guy. Falure.You escaped, but Administrator did not.
So please, as you all go about your daily routine, think of those of us who participated in the administrator's competition and spent the whole day - Whoaa! Not so fast kid. You still have 8 seconds left! - frustrated beyond compare. Leave the jails empty for a while. I can't stand the sight of them anymore.
The Puzzles Section
Ricin
Word Search, and the answers here.
Sudoku
Chess
Newspaper Staff:
Editress-In-Chief - Lucretia_Borgia
Staff Writers:
Don Keypunch
Youngsta
Ricin
Panda
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