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Society for Honoured ... Folk
Terranova, December 6
WASHINGTON - Today marks the introduction of new society around these streets. Their name, "The Honoured Society," and their cause is noble. As introduced by Godmother Scipita Rourke, The Honoured Society is open to the public, allowing city heads to set a tone for every one within their cities. When a city head joins the Honoured Society it means that they and all of the people from their home city are firmly against the slaying of -48 innocent gangsters.
By agreeing to join, you also agree that if one of your own shoots a -48, they will be dealt with swiftly with no other punishment than death. As Miss Rourke states, "Soldato's who can't follow family rules, city rules and common tenants of cosa nostra will no longer be welcomed as friends of ours. They hurt our operations, they hurt our profits and through selfish and thoughtless actions put us all at risk."
Not all were at first completely happy about this announcement, however. Godmother Aurora was glad to see that the council of Godfathers was joining efforts to better this thing of ours, but voiced some concern that she was not contacted beforehand for her opinion. BoabyWanKenobi and Noah-Levenstein also echoed Aurora's concerns about not being consulted, though through the course of the interactions, things remained quite cordial and it would seem everyone is on the same page. As stated by BoabyWanKeobi "Subtle differences in personal views will, and should, take a back seat to maintaining quality of relationships over the country." Well said, Boaby.
For a full transcript of Scipita's speech, please contact 1-800-FREEDOM, or go here.
All Your News Are Belong to Us
Panda, December 13
NEW YORK - In a rather sad turn of events, b10gangster has been forced to close his newspaper business, The Mafioso. If you recall, his grandfather b7gangster started the paper a few months back. After the death of his grandfather, his father b9gangster took over the paper. Then, his father was brutally murdered and the paper was passed to him. He cleaned up the newspaper and it was beginning to look quite nice when suddenly he changed his mind and shut down operations. Some believe it may have been too much competition for Don Lucretia_Borgia.
Well, we have the scoop! After receiving an anonymous tip, the story began to come together. From what we can gather, Don Lucretia began taking out the newspaper businesses one after the other, killing the owners if necessary. We spoke with b10gangster's brother and he claims b10gangster disappeared for a few weeks before closing his newspaper.
Don Lucretia sent a few of her thugs to b10gangster's printing press on a bitter Monday morning. After approaching b10gangster and telling him to close up his shop, b10gangster pulled a gun on them. Only to have his wrist broken with a baseball bat and be hauled off in their black roadster. They drove him to a New York bridge and dragged him out of the car with a gun in his face. The bigger of the thugs picked him up and held him against the rail of the bridge, shoving the gun into his mouth. After b10gangster still refused they hung him over the rail, threatening to drop him into the river.
This is as much as we could tell from our information. However, it would seem that b10gangster pleaded for his life and decided it would be best to do as they say. His brother claims he returned home in a hurry, hiding in his study for long hours. In the evening hours of the 13th of December, b10gangster came to the streets to announce that his newspaper would be closing and that he would be working on a book that he had lost time to write.
The New York Post bids farewell to The Mafioso, and congratulates itself on a job well done in becoming the nation's premier underground newspaper.
Shooting Stars: The Rodents Won
Lucretia, December 13
NEW YORK - Following the previous story of Starshine's imminent step down, it comes as a surprise that the former New York leader was found dead this evening, body mutilated by numerous small teeth marks. As revealed in the Post Issue Three, Starshine had recently decided that the only way to live a peaceful life would be to eliminate the rodent problem in her headquarters.
It seems that in recent days that war went sour for Starshine, as the rodents responded ever more violently to Starshine's escalation of the conflict. Numerous bug bombs, mouse traps, and flame throwers were evidently not enough munitions to protect Starshine from the wrath of a pack of diseased vermin. Late on the evening of the 13th, spectators gathered around the now-abandoned headquarters of The Shooting Stars, attracted by the sound of gunfire and explosives. Rat corpses rocketed in flames from the windows of the building, and screams could be heard within.
One spectator reported "it was just like I had seen in the Great War, continuous gunfire punctuated by an explosion every now and again. Screaming and agony everywhere. It was awful. Finally, after several hours of pitched fighting, I heard a woman's voice screaming 'if I go down, I'm taking you with me!' and a massive explosion brought the whole building down." It seems that despite a valiant struggle, Starshine had been backed into a corner and forced to chose between fighting to the death and surrender, and she chose the former.
Rest well, Starshine. New York is grateful for the serene evenings made possible by the elimination of all rats within a three mile radius of your headquarters.
Gamble Like An Egyptian
Lucretia, December 14
NEW YORK - PhelixTheSphinx, Left Hand Man to Godfather Deimne, today took to the streets to announce the grand opening ceremony of his own Grand Sphinx Casino in New York. The purchase marks the end of months of money-grubbing and credit-slinging for the half-feline mobster, and a beginning to a competitive Casino industry in New York City.
As part of the launching of this new enterprise, Phelix announced a contest and monetary rewards to bring in new customers to his tables. It seems that the person who places the most bets in The Grand Sphinx during the period of December 14, 18:00 and December 16, 18:00 will earn themselves a prize of two million dollars plus half the two-day earnings of the casino as a while. In the aftermath of the announcement, swarms of eager mobsters were seen lining the blackjack tables and roulette spinners eager to place their wages. Whoever the lucky winner is, the prize is sure to be massive. Good luck to all those participating!
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Point/Counterpoint: Advertisement Mails
A weekly column by Lucretia
Point: Your Profile Picture Sucks!
A Man With An Idea
Hey, you! Yes, you! You over there, have I got a deal for you! No, don't run away, you really need to hear this. Bah, they left again. It's OK though, I have an army of private investigators who will track them down and tell me their address so I can mail them my offer. You cannot escape my business ... not that I can figure out why anyone would ever want to.
What am I peddling today? Well, I'm glad you asked. We've got lotteries, real lotteries, lotteries we call horse races, lotteries we call fight clubs, raffles we call lotteries and lotteries we call raffles, and did I mention that all my gambling rings come with a 100% fairness guarantee? I'm totally not going to rig it for my friends, you've got my word on that! It was just blind luck that made them win last time around, I assure you.
Gambling not your thing? Well, that's fine with me. I've got profile pictures too. And I don't mean to be insulting but let's just say you really could use one of these puppies. Because yours looks like a ten year old made it. No offense. But it totally sucks. Just pay me a few thousand dollars and I'll have that ugly suit of yours stitched right up!
OK, OK, I get it, you don't want to send me any of your hard earned money - don't worry, I've got just the thing for someone like you. Right now, in the great city of New York, it's the grand opening of my very own restaurant! What's it like? Well, it's got a really, really long double-spaced menu you can choose from, just take a look. Oh, the surroundings? I'm not exactly sure, I spent more time drooling over the food to be honest. But we've got all sorts of things, from pasta to barbeque chicken to escargot. You just name it: my nondescript Italian Restaurant is located someplace in the city limits of New York, and can satisfy your unique needs!
Counterpoint: Pike Off!
Crazy Cat Lady
What the heck? Who the hell are you? What are you doing on my property? You're not one of those fiends from the humane society come to take my babies away again, are you? Throws a cat at the solicitor. Unless you're delivering that cat food I ordered, get the hell off my lawn. I'm just trying to enjoy my peace and quiet with my darling kitties, and here you are bugging me about lotteries. I have for your money when I have all the companionship I need right here at home. Scram!
Oh jeez, and just look at the mess they made in my mailbox. It looks more like a litter box than anything. I've got mail for a sweepstakes, a lottery, an Italian restaurant, a fight club, and even one from someone who wants to give me a suit? I'm not a man, let alone a businessman. I have no use for a suit! My mailbox is not a waste basket! Don't you think that if I really wanted this junk you're peddling, I'd have contacted you and not the other way around?
All I want in my house is a bit of peace and quiet for a change with none of you hobos pestering me about your crummy business opportunities. It's not too much to ask. If I wanted your wares I'd seek you out in the business district or the streets. Until then, these litter boxes aren't going to change themselves and my house smells as rotten as your business ideas. Go away!
You Decide: Advertising Mails
Mailed Advertisements: Useful business tool or just plain annoying? Cast your ballot here!
Last Week's Results: "Nice Shot!"
How do you feel about saying "nice shot" upon receiving a witness statement?
Friendly: 2 (14%)
Stupid: 12 (86%)
Missing: Don Keypunch
This week's missing person report brought to you by Lucretia
Lucretia sat at her editress desk late on Friday night, waiting for the weekly delivery of her writers' works. One by one the stories trickled in; it was a particularly slow news week and some of the writers had had a hard time finding events worth covering. By late Saturday it was quite evident that something was wrong. Don Keypunch, her weekly scandal columnist, had not reported in or provided any signs of delivering his weekly column. When Sunday rolled around, and still no word from the reporter, Lucretia grew worried and decided she would have to investigate.
The problems started right away. Lucretia, of course, had absolutely no idea where to look for an individual like Mr. Keypunch. He was an utterly unpredictable man who showed up only when you least expected it. Lucretia's only potential clue was that the Don tended to associate with the dregs of society and be more commonly found with those with nothing to lose. With this in mind, Lucretia left her office and walked down the street to a shady New York bar.
Stepping inside, she immediately saw she had come to the right place. The obese men sitting at the bar only had a full set of teeth while sharing, and a few heavily tattooed individuals played pool at the side. She'd just have to blurt it out and see what sort of response she got: "I'm looking for one, Don Keypunch. Can any of you help me?" Within seconds Lucretia had four volunteers ready to assist her quest for Don Keypunch. Curiously though, all they seemed to do was make various lurid sexual advances towards the poor woman. Two corpses later, Lucretia was no closer to her answers, and decided to look someplace else for a clue as to Mr. Keypunch's whereabouts.
Continuing onwards, Lucretia visited what she assumed to be a favorite street corner of Don Keypunch, finding it populated by skimpily clad women. Every few minutes a car would roll by emitting catcalls through the lowered windows. Lucretia decided to try her luck with these. "Excuse me!" but the first just kept driving. "Pardon me!" No luck, once again. "HELP! I'm looking for a Don Keypunch!" That got the third driver's attention. "Hop on in, missy, I'll show you a REAL Don Keypunch." Lucretia was confused by this. "Real? I only know the one. Are there impersonators?" Thankfully, the helpful driver continued with a laugh, "No, I guess not. Come on over to my place and I'll introduce you to THE Don Keypunch, though."
Alas, a headache and corpse later, this too proved to be a fruitless encounter. Why were all these people pretending to have the answer, only to prove lewd and unhelpful in the end? Why had no one heard of her good friend, Don Keypunch? And where, exactly, had Mr. Keypunch actually gotten himself off to? If anyone has information regarding this disappearance, please contact Lucretia as soon as possible.
Other Missing Persons
Tom_Hagen is searching for relatives of friends Dorean (GRHS) and neck_cutter (GRHS). If any are available, please get in touch with Tom_Hagen.
Mafia Zeros
This week brought to you by Youngsta
I was approached last night by a strange fellow. He was nearly bald, wore a worn out leather jacket and corduroy jeans. I wasn't going to take his word lightly because of my pre-meditated character assessment; still, I gave him a few minutes to get whatever he wanted off of his chest. At first I though this was another attempt to discredit and to undermine the rule of the leaders we look up to. Then he showed me pictures. I couldn't believe my own eyes. This was breaking news. My source wished to remain anonymous and I'll respect that considering the favor he has done me in showing me this information.
Lucretia_Borgia, leader of the well known House of Borgia crime syndicate in New York, was seen entering a brothel in downtown Manhattan!
I can hear you, you're thinking 'Yeah? We all love the brothels.' And sure we do, I myself often stop in after a hard days work. I feel it really puts the mind at ease and prepares you for a good nights sleep. What I was shown though was not your average stop at a male hooker's house.
From a quick count of heads in the pictures, I counted 8 other women and 9 blokes in the same room. There were also a number of dwarfs playing harps in the corner. There were some others but I wasn't able to distinguish their orientation.
Now, again I hear you cry: "ORGY! Lucretia, what a legend!" But think again...
Fifteen or so people were dressed in sailor suits. They were playing monopoly and fondling a selection of small animals. From my point of view, there was a goat, a cat and a camel. Two of the dwarves in the corner were dressed as medieval jesters, reading the poetry of Langston Hughes through kazoos, and arm wrestling atop what appeared to be a llama. A man dressed as a baby, massive rattle in his hand, was sucking his thumb and crying. In the middle of it all, Lucretia stood on one foot on the back of a chair, juggling some sort of half-decayed fish carcasses, possibly trout or sea bass.
From these findings I think it's clear that Lucretia_Borgia is a sex pest. For her own safety and the safety of New York I think she needs to be locked away until she can learn to control her uncontrollable addiction to board games, poetry, and rotting fish! For this reason, I deem Lucretia_Borgia this week's Mafia Zero!
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