Finally, after months of saving in the old country, I was in Detroit. The future was America. The future was mine. Upon getting off the boat, the jetty was lined with people. Damn, I knew I was once rated as Mr Sciliy 1926 and participated in a naked calender for all the girls, but I did not expect my enterance to the US of A to be greeted with such a fan fare. As I got closer to the people, my heart sank as I heard what they were saying.

'Buy a car, get it cheap, no license needed'
'Need a gun, get a fake for cheap. Scare your enemy'
'Low on cash? Get a loan. Cheap rates'
'Charlie, weed, opium'
'Feeling horny after a long boatride? Come fuck my sister'

As I walked through, more people started to approach me. But this time rather then just shout things our randomly, they actually came up to me and spoke.

First a scruffy, ugly looking fellow who introduced himself as Sikey. He had clearly slept the night on the streets as he was dirty, and there were piss stains around his crutch. And his breath stank. Stank like he had eaten dog poo for breakfast. How I was missing the old country already...

"Is this your first time around?" He asked.

'No shit retard' I though as I wondered if he hadn't seen me just come off the boat looked dazed.

He then continued to tell me to rob old women and to "buy grain alcohol, as many as you can afford then fly to new york and sell them." He must think I am an idiot. Why would I want to go to New York when I had just got to Detroit? Unless he wanted to kill me?

After finally losing Sikey, I got approached by another gentleman. This time he was in a nice bold suit. He spoke a lot. I got bored. He asked me to go for a coffee with him. He must be Gay. I said yes.

He introduced himself as CrazyNine, and clearly one not for foreplay, he was begging me to work for him. 'My bum is not for hire' I thought. But he spoke to much that I lost attention and struggled to stay awake. He sounded like he was being helpful, but ultimately it seemed he was just trying to whore me.

Next up was a LadyBoy. No sooner had I finished my 'coffee' with CrazyNine that a woman with a beard came upto me and (in a deep voice) wished me a Merry Christmas. 'Fuck that' I thought, Im a Jew...I got out of their quick. Not wanting to get involved with the fake man.

It had been a long day already and fed up with people 'trying' to hep or whoring me, I went to look for a place to get a beer. Then, before I could get into a pub, a twat jumped infront of me and shouted in my face;

"Want to join LA?
Great city, Great people, Great beer *my number one choice. Hit me up if you'd like to be recruited."

'Fuck off' I told him. Fed up with these little dickheads trying to get me to work for them. I am a free spirit. I work for whomever I want to, and make that choice whenever I want.

But my question to this world is; Is this normal? Are people this friendly? Does everyone just want people to join them? If it is, its done my head in. Im now going to go Scarface on everyones arse. But before then, who wants to come round mine and have a Lemon Party?

"he was begging me to work for him"

I will never deny I seem to bump into a lot of civilians on my way to my morning coffee, but I miss where I ever made you any kind of offers, other than information, let alone "beg".

I believe you think too highly of yourself. "Whoring" means to invite somebody to a crew without talking to them first. I don't invite any idiot in my crew and you were never offered an invitation. Get your facts straight.

Oh, and me being long winded? That's on purpose. I like to talk a lot, so if you're not willing to put up with it, I wanna know upfront to send your lazy ass on your way.

There is a thin line between offering help or welcoming and member-whoring that we all must be careful not to cross. Unfortunately, with so many crews and now the sponsorship program which puts pressure on members to recruit, it is almost impossible to sit back and simply allow a person fresh off the boat to come to you as things used to be. I have heard from both Mr Lemonparty and my member who wrote to him and despite good intentions and simple over-eagerness my member did cross that line. He now knows better and my apologies have been made to Mr. Lemonparty.

You know I have to somewhat agree with the young man here, when I first arrived on these shores after my father died I too was inundated with people wishing to talk to me.Sorry to burst your bubble there old man love but every new person round here is Mr Popular. Now this is where I disagree with the old fella, some of them did make an effort to try and start a conversation, others jumped straight in with the I can offer you a family.

So my tips for those head hunters out there that my ancestors have learnt, especially those that want quality over quantity.

Put some effort into it but don't make it too long after all you don't want to bore them nor intimidate them with long winded speechs as they may just stop listening after all its an overwhelming place for fresh bloodlines without all of these people contacting you. Also don't make it so short it looks like you don't really care and that you are just paying lip service or the numbers game. Engage them in conversation, ask them open questions get to know them before diving in there with the "I can offer you family and protection", that way when people look at your sponsor roll and see well established associates rather than a list of dead Goombas or snail like progressing earners.

Yes I know its strange to hear someone with my lengthy appendage saying quality over quantity! A sly grin erupts on my face as I say Although I do like to think I can provide both quantity and quality.

Greetings, my name is Grin, I know nothing about you but it is probably best if I tell you just about anything you would need to ever know about being a Gangster. It isn't like you could be a police officer who might turn me in is it? Ha, no. Here, pull up a chair and I'll walk you through committing crimes, making a name for yourself and I'll pretend I'm not even looking for you to join me while we do it.
So here we are, I'm a Don and you, Mr Petty Thief are certainly worth my time. I'm going to invite you to dine with me hoping that we get to chatting and that fall in love with me being the first person to approach you. I'll do so under a guise of wanting to help, but I really couldn't give two shits about whether you take an interest in this, I just want you to join me. I won't tell you that up front though, that might be construed as trying to 'whore' you and I'm not a pimp. Not me sir, no.

I'm the new style of Don, the type who is ABSOLUTELY OUTRAGED that people dare to say LOL in the Streets, HAVE THEY NOT CONSIDERED THE IMPACT ON OUR LANGUAGE?!?! Between my petty crimes, I like to unwind with a snowball fight or two, you know, these are the important tenets of being in the Mafia after all.
Anyway, back to you Petty Thief, in order to succeed in our business you need a sponsor, I am not whoring you though, let us be clear on that point. Definitely not, absolutely no way, not me sir, nope. But, whilst we are talking about sponsors, you'll be toast without one, so you do need one if you're going to survive in our world and look here, I just happen to have the opportunity to invite you to join us.

Of course, I still know next to nothing about you and the fact you haven't made anything at all of yourself, nor have you earned a reputation, that is ok. I'm a Don after all, I should 100% be talking to you, a nobody, not like anyone would be interested in what I do is it? Na, not a chance. I'm just a pious, language preserving, storytelling, snowball fighting, sponsor who is desperate to get you on your way. LA is a great city. Detroit is a great city. Washington is a great city, maybe you should head up there and forget about joining us 'mobsters' heh, after all, we don't actually act like mobsters anymore, oh crumbs no. Instead we prefer to hold hands of every tom dick and Lemonparty who arrives here, they aren't intelligent enough to be able to work it out for themselves like we did. They need someone pretending to help them (but not the staff who have nothing to gain by it, that would be wrong) and the initial mail that they open isn't enough to explain what they need to do either. You would definitely be lost without me helping you out, I'm sure. I could probably help you more if you joined me - NOT THAT I AM WHORING YOU - I promise I won't forget about you the moment you step foot in my HQ and lose interest in being a part of MafiaRecruiters. I won't shoot you in a week when you don't return either, scout's honour.

So Mr Petty Thief, I'm not whoring you, but you can see now that you have to join someone or you will die, so why not me? Look there is a police officer, can we wrap this up, because maybe he'd like to join my Mafia Family. Hello Officer, what you want to arrest me? Please officer I'm in the Mafia, don't you want to join me? What, it is illegal to be in the Mafia? Really? Well thank God I'm not advertising it to every plank who manages to remember their own name. That would be really embarrassing for me. For about arresting me though officer and I'm not trying to whore you either. I'm just trying to help you (but if you do want to join a crew and you do need to) I've got loads of space. Maybe you, this other Petty Thief and I could go back to my HQ and plan ourselves a couple of dinner dates. That sounds like fun.

~G~rin.

Leaders were getting tired of some form of whoring going on, after hearing WillHayes' and The Mighty Cow's rants on the street with regards to this whoring I thought this issue would have been addressed. However right now it seems that we as a community are still allowing people to reap the benifits that whoring brings while the rest of those who are firmly against this sort of behaviour get a big slap in the face.

So, we've had our leaders coming to the street and announcing they've had enough but finally and I must add thankfully, we now have mobsters coming to the street to share their complaints. I can only hope that this issue is addressed in some form and perhaps those guilty can be stripped of their rights to take on associates if there are any further offences.

Woah, woah, woah.

There is no whoring going on, sir. We're all just really helpful people who want the best for everyone.

God bless us one and all.

~G~rin.

How does one go about taking a boat from the old country to Detroit? Did it fly there?

I am about to die so with my last breath let me completely disagree with the young persons portrayal of Crazynine. His invite to coffee was a well thought out communication and worthy of a well thought out response. It is no wonder his family is so large, it is called effort.

Well Oderus maybe they came in from the Great Lakes. Now how they got there...who know's.

'Feeling horny after a long boatride? Come fuck my sister'

Now why the hell didnt I hear that when I got off the boat...haha

Takes a sip of his tea and heads off back to work...