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Stepping Up To The Plate
Cupcake, December 17
NEW ORLEANS - Battista! In case that title was too abstract, the pun is on the "Bat" part, kudos to the New Orleans Godfather for creating that link with his speech title for Battista's authorization. The exceptionally modest, self-titled "Big Boaby" introduced this new leader to our streets on December 17th after his hard work within the New Orleans upper echelons earned him a place among the elite in the bold suits. This is another fine advancement from a man that started off [THIS ACTION HAS BEEN MADE ILLEGAL IN SEVEN STATES]. It is understood that Battista was promoted to one of Boaby's family after keeping his underwear [REDACTED] up until his Made Man promotion was given to him. From this, and being a sponsor within the New Orleans main HQ, he was then promoted again to the coveted position of [THIS CONTENT IS UNSUITABLE FOR ADULTS OF ANY AGE].
He stands alongside a selection of New Orleans crew leaders which includes those nicknamed Giovanni "[REDACTED]" Bovine and Grin the [CENSORED]. That is a small selection of nicknames which are rumored to be used about poor old Grin. Battista has been upholding the high standard that New Orleans currently keep and he seems to be repaying The New Orleans Godfather's faith in him very well.
Congratulations on your authorization Battista and may the good work continue and your family flourish.
Winds of Change In Philadelphia
Panda, December 18
PHILADELPHIA - On a clear Friday afternoon, PoisonousJelly strolled through a park before sitting aside his compatriot, Philly crime boss -V- . The two briefly discussed the city's future while this reporter [REDACTED] in a nondescript white van while listening for the latest news from the city, basking in the glory of PoisonousJelly's [REDACTED].
As was made clear from their brief exchange, Philadelphia leader Pip has stepped down from his position. He caught pneumonia and his health deteriorated more every day. He has been absent from his headquarters and his family has heard little from him. Thus Godmother ScipitaRourke decided it was time for someone else to [REDACTED]. Mr. Jelly was there to let -V- know he would be [REDACTED] by his former boss Pip, thus becoming Philly's new street boss.
Newly minted boss -V- then took the opportunity to [REDACTED] a new capodecine in the city, but only after making sure he showed off his impeccable guns and [REDACTED] me. It was like a dream come true. Love requited and Pixxie as the city's newest bold suit, what more could a reporter ask for? After a few more speeches, including one by Pip explaining his motivations for the transfer of powers, it was time for this peeping Tom to retire in contentment. Best of luck to the rising stars of Philadelphia.
Raptor Gave Me [A KITTEN FOR CHRISTMAS]
[HAPPY KITTEN OWNER], December 19
[Editress: This story is based upon true events. The name of the [HAPPY KITTEN OWNER] and place of [GIFTING] have been changed, but the details of the story are true. If you have any information about the [SECRET SANTA], please contact someone who cares.]
[Editress, redux: This story has been modified from its original version. It has been formatted to not potentially offend any sensibilities.]
ANYTOWN, USA - It all started about a month ago, when I was walking down a quiet lane in Sunny Philadelphia. It was just after noon, the middle of lunch break, and the crowds bustled on the streets, so I figured I was more than safe as I walked from store to store, searching for the perfect dress and purse combination to wear to the next party.
It must have been around two when I realized I wasn't the only one checking out the merchandise. Everywhere I went, a strange creature seemed to be perusing the exact same items as me! The nearest store patron saw absolutely nothing unusual in this behavior, and assured me, "oh, that's just our friendly neighborhood Raptor. From time to time he stops by and eats a few pigeons, [GIVES A FEW SECRET SANTA PRESENTS], and moves on to other territory. He's really nothing to worry about though. Quite harmless." Harmless! Like I can't tell when a [MAN IS TRYING TO PICK OUT A GIFT]!
As the day went on and Raptor continued to tail me throughout every store I shopped in, I grew increasingly [EXCITED]. No one would take me seriously when I pointed out his unusual behavior [REDACTED]! Clearly this "Raptor" fellow was no longer simply [PICKING OUT A GIFT FOR] me, but was now toying with his prey before indulging his [GIFT GIVING] desires. Unfortunately, it worked perfectly. As the night drew on longer and longer, I feared [IF I LEFT, HE WOULD NOT GIVE ME A GIFT], so I didn't go back to my car and instead tried to find shelter in crowded stores, hoping my [SECRET SANTA] would simply [END THE SUSPENSE].
Soon it was too late. The stores started to empty as shoppers went home for the evening, and I was left [WAITING IMPATIENTLY FOR MY PRESENT], Raptor circling me inconspicuously from the nearby stores. Always within eyeshot, but never blatant enough about his motivations that [I COULD SIMPLY DEMAND HE GIVE IT TO ME]. Finally, it was closing time and security told me I had to leave, mistaking me for a vagrant hiding inside for shelter from the snow. I swallowed deeply and tried to [WALK SLOWLY] back to my car, now five blocks away.
That was exactly what Raptor wanted. In my [LEISURELY STROLL] to the car, I had disregarded all thoughts of personal safety and [SLIPPED ON THE ICE]. That's where he struck. As I [STRUGGLED TO STAND], he lunged at me and tackled me and had his way with me. He deftly [GAVE ME A KITTEN FOR CHRISTMAS] with the skill of a man who had done it to at least 799 other ladies. I was [ELATED] by a [WONDERFUL MAN] with an insatiable desire to [GIVE CHRISTMAS PRESENTS]. And when the dust settled and my doctor had a look, it turned out I had gotten [THE BEST CHRISTMAS PRESENT EVER]. Thanks, Raptor. Your [WONDERFUL GIFT] that has now [ELATED] 800 or more different Mafiosos just gave me [THE BEST CHRISTMAS EVER].
New Leadership For Los Angeles
Youngsta, December 22
LOS ANGELES - The 22nd of December saw a momentous move. ScipitaRourke of Philly decided it was high time her long standing Right Hand Man got his own family and indeed his own city to run.
Los Angeles has stood dormant for some time now, since the beginning of November and the downfall of Caius, Premier and Sherlock. People asked questions as the hood rats were allowed to devour the city. "Why isn't anyone stepping in?! If the Godfathers aren't going to do anything with it, shouldn't they at least open it up to the ambitious?" said one made man. "Why are they letting these thieves and crooks [CENSORED] in such a small town fashion?" remarked a goomba.
Now we see the changes long in the making. PoisonousJelly, the son of beloved Jono, has taken the city with authorization from his GodMother Scipita. PJ, on hearing the news, requested that Morgan have the opportunity to make the move as well. Long standing captain for ScipitaRourke, Morgan has proved she can [REDACTED]. She came for the moral and physical support of PJ in the opening weeks of LA. Understandably I think, she does have one hell of a task ahead of her!
Unfortunately for PoisonousJelly, a few people took offense to the fact that he was only of the rank Boss yet had a Don entrusted to his watchful eyes. People like Al_Anastasia (see infra, Al_Anastasia: A Stain On All Dons) who had struggled to make their way to Don, earned the support, respect, money and experience to become one of the biggest and most revered characters in the world that we know, were now seeing themselves as eclipsed by a mere Boss. At this point in time I expect many are now bored of the Anastasia case and we all know what happened but needless to say, it wasn't the ideal start LA would have hoped for, despite Mr. Jelly's prior attempt to quell the unrest with a speech on the streets regarding his rank.
In any case, the threat (if there was any) was very quickly stamped out. Detroit had to [REDACTED] the city of angels, which looked strong in the face of danger and turned back to work rebuilding the city into the great city it is destined to be.
Who Ate The Last Donut?
Panda, December 21
CHICAGO - As we move closer to Christmas, Don Vinnie_BagoDonuts has found himself overwhelmed with family problems. He has decided to step down as under-boss of Chicago and is passing the reigns on to Don Dwight_Stifler. Noah_Levenstein (also known as [REDACTED]) came forth to announce that Vinnie's poor mother is sick and he needs to care for her and that Dwight_Stifler would be taking over. Shortly after, Dwight came to the streets to make his own announcement. He made sure to note that he will be running things differently than Vinnie. He also said that he would be renaming the family "The Crackerjack Outfit." He named his right hand man as SirBarnabieHuckles. The city of Chicago asks that you will [CENSORED] so that they can [THIS DEPRAVED ACTION IS PROHIBITED BY LAW].
Don Dwight_Stifler has been around for quite a while. His family has been here even longer. His ancestors were in the spotlight time and time again. One of such great men was Flash-Fire who led Wise Guy Inc. many years back. Most of you will not remember this, for it was in a time in which our business was more underground. We have seen great things out of Dwight's family. There is no doubt in this journalist's mind that he will achieve even greater accomplishments.
The New York Post would like to offer it's condolences to Don Vinnie_BagoDonuts and it's congratulations to Don Dwight_Stifler on his newfound position.
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New York Reels After Epic Party For Mux
Lucretia, December 28
NEW YORK - What began as just another day ended as a wonderful celebration for CrazyNine Left Hand Man Mux, as he received the pleasant news that he would be authorized to become New York's newest captain.
Late Monday night, right about the time the famously raucous Imperial Hawks begin their nights of mayhem, CrazyNine gathered his upper structure in the crew headquarters/bar and [CONTENT NOT SUITABLE FOR AUDIENCES OF ANY AGE]. With upstanding mobsters such as Hades and Persephone as well as scoundrels like JamesTerranova properly assembled CrazyNine dropped the big one. No, not breaking wind - he announced to them all that Mux would be setting up his own captaincy division in New York!
The celebration was immediate and deafening. Liquor was consumed, [CENSORED] was beheld, and the mother of all hangovers was anticipated by all those in attendance, except Mux. Mux, on the other hand, came to the logical (for a drunkard) conclusion that if he simply did not stop drinking he would never have to deal with a hangover. And so he drank like a fish, all night and [BROKE THE LAW IN OTHER IMMORAL WAYS]. Finally, around noon the next day, he finally staggered up to the tabletop and slurred out something to the effect of "ughay gauys, I'magunna call da cru THE MOGULS! Lissen gauys! Dis iz imorpant! We're The Moguls!" Witnesses were instructed by an aide to provide a more grammatically correct account of the affair, and were made quite amiable to the suggestion by the offer of unsupervised access offered to the crew vault during Mux's hangover, if it ever came.
Around this time, Mux set out with his new Right Hand Man to renovate a downtown warehouse and create himself a headquarters worthy of a true robber baron. Given the helping hands and the impeccable eye of CrazyNine, we anticipate absolutely no problem in making the entire building fabulous. Best of luck to Mux in his new business endeavor!
Al_Anastasia: A Stain On All Dons
Lucretia, December 28
LOS ANGELES - As the sun approached its noon apex over the sprawling city, Los Angeles crime lord PoisonousJelly made a public appearance to discuss matters of great importance to his city. Apparently, late the prior evening some dastardly entity had gotten it in his mind to place a hit on the head of the esteemed leader of the City of Angels. Mr. Jelly quickly bought the hit off, being a mere pittance, when another slightly more respectable sum was expended in another hit. The only reason given for such a cowardly behind-the-scenes attempt was "principles," though which principles were being followed was left quite unclear at the time.
Enter that shining exemplar of Donhood, Al_Anastasia, not just admitting to posting the hit but also attempting to shoot PoisonousJelly. After having done so, he provided an extensive manifesto justifying his actions ... Or not. Al justified his actions with a simple "Well at least this Don thought the rank mattered" and followed it up with "LA is a stain on every Don." This left the rest of the world wondering what the heck he was talking about. Possibly he was upset about the rank on Mr. Jelly's profile being lower than that of his subordinate, Morgan. Possibly he had recently huffed too many orange kittens. [CENSOR'S NOTE: THIS IS NOT POSSIBLE, MAKES NO SENSE, AND MAY BE DANGEROUS TO YOUR HEALTH IF ATTEMPTED. AVOID KITTEN HUFFING AT ALL COSTS] They really fuck you up good, and surely such a suicidal act would have to be associated with a bit of temporary insanity.
Regardless of the cause, Mr. Anastasia was dispatched after approximately 45 minutes to the depths of the pacific ocean and the citizens of Los Angeles were free to sleep easy. The stage was set for pretend-ignoramus MacHeartsAurora to cause a stink on the streets about the supposed injustice of shooting a rogue Don that attacked the city of Los Angeles. Apparently this Detroit goomba was under the impression that Los Angeles should have sat on its hands and waited around for the Detroit hierarchy to settle the matter instead of preventing a threat to the city, since the goomba related that after 45 minutes of dawdling the city was now "minutes away" from settling the issue on its own. Thankfully, saner minds from the motor city seemed to carry the day, as MacHeartsAurora died several hours after making these puzzling arguments.
So there you have it, the long ordeal that resulted in a Don and Goomba from Detroit dying, and thankfully no injuries in sunny Los Angeles. The only question that remains is how an [REDACTED] such as Al_Anastasia was able to keep a straight face while claiming that some other person had proved an embarrassment to the esteemed rank of Don.
Point/Counterpoint: Pickpocketing
A Weekly Column by Lucretia
Point: Respect Mah Authoritah!
Eric Cartman
Wha - who the? Dammit, some asshole just stole my wallet! What makes someone think that they can get away with just snagging the wallet off of an important person like me? It's utterly disrespectful and contemptuous of my authoritah! What is this world coming to, when I can't even walk the streets of a fine city like Detroit or Philadelphia secure in the mind that someone won't steal the wallet off a Made Guy?!
Just think about this for a moment. I have my button. More importantly, I have a nightstick and I know how to use it! What part of you thought it was a good idea to tempt a well connected mobster with a temper by brazenly taking his money in broad daylight? Oh, sure, maybe you have your button too, and it wouldn't be a very business friendly move for me to start caning you right away, but I thought we respected each other's property around here. What's mine is mine, what's yours is yours, and it's important for everyone to know where exactly those boundaries lie so my nightstick doesn't have to go straight up your [REDACTED]! What are you doing, censor man? Respect mah authoritah! I will not be censored, do you see this badge and this nightstick?! [SORRY, GOT CARRIED AWAY] Damn straight!
Where was I? Ahh yes. Now, I'm not saying there's never a right time to go about lifting a wallet out of someone's pocket. All of us love a little friendly competition from time to time, when we're in the mood, and might grant you permission to have a go at it if you ask nicely. But an uninvited, unsolicited hand in my pocket is the last thing I want. If I found someone was lifting a few thousand dollars here and there from the cash register at my bar downtown, I'd break his legs. Why should expect me to behave any nicer when you're taking money directly from my pocket? It's just plain disrespectful, and anyone who doesn't respect mah authoritah is going to meet the business end of a billy club.
Counterpoint: $5,000? My Breakfast Costs More!
Your Extremely Rich Crew Leader
Boo-freaking-hoo. He took some change out of your wallet. Why the heck do you expect me to care about that? $5000? Oh, come on. I wipe my ass with $100s, they mean so little to me. I earn thousands by the minute, millions a day. If I dropped $5000 on the street, it would hardly be worth it for me to bend over and pick it up! If you've got an issue, here's a tissue.
No, seriously. I'm a very busy person who constantly deals with important issues of leadership. Like bringing justice to that guy that shot one of our gangsters last night. Or [THIS ACTION DOES NOT HAPPEN, IT IS CALLED HELPING] the bottom line of the online list. Or teaching the new players I just [HELPED] how to breathe and [REDACTED] while they rob a 7-11. You know, the stuff that keeps a leader like me up at night and you guys safely alive.
Notice something absent from that list of important leadership functions? Yeah, I did too. Tracking down $5000 of your money. Not my job. Not worth my time. In fact, there is absolutely not a snowball's chance in hell that I'm going to bother to step into this dispute you're having. It'll take me at least a half hour of pointless mails for me to resolve the issue, and for something like $5000, it's just not worth it. I'd actually sooner pay you $5000 to stop whining about it and maybe even pretend it came from the other guy than bother to contact them.
Now I've wasted too much time talking about this. I'm going to go [REDACTED] do important crewleadery stuff that keeps me too busy to deal with your petty disputes.
You Decide!
Is pickpocketing harmless fun that doesn't merit a leader's attention, or blatant disrespect for fellow mafioso? Cast your ballot here!
Previous Results
Which of the two best described mailed advertisements?
Welcome Heads-Up: 0% (0)
Annoying Intrusion: 100% (10)
Missing Persons Report
A weekly public service announcement and connections service. If you would like assistance in tracking down a long lost friend or relative, contact Lucretia.
Lucretia's Staff MIA: [REASONS REDACTED].
Don Keypunch
Times are slow for this edition of The [CENSORED] Post. Most if not all of the "writers" here have gone the way of Iota, not fucking working. All poor Lucretia wanted in her Christmas stocking was a few articles done. Alas all she got was a cheeseburger. (Iota got a lump of coal so Lucretia got his present.) Not content to simply write the entire paper herself, Lucretia tasked me to find her writers. This is what I discovered.
[THESE SEXUALLY EXPLICIT JOKES ARE REMOVED FOR YOUR PROTECTION]
Let's hope these slackers (Sans Keypunch) get back on board and stop being so lazy, or they may go the way of last night's dinner. Turned to crap.
Previous Missing Person: Don Keypunch
Status: Found. Lucretia dragged him in by his ear, sat him down, and threatened to force feed him a home cooked meal if he didn't provide articles for this week.
Mafia Zeros
Don Keypunch
[Editress: Mafia Zeros is a certified truthy column. All or none of the facts, opinions, and slurs presented within it may fall short of those facts, opinions, and slurs provided by a more rigorous factual analysis.]
Mafia Zeros is a weekly article taking a deeper look at the people behind the ranks (and often times army of Bodyguards.) This week: More Falure in Detroit
My oh my, how we all thought the worst was over. With the death of the BlandMother Marietta it looked like things could only go up. How wrong we were. It seems Pedro is right along dropping the ball. Even more so then Marietta did. Continuing onwards with the [CENSORED] Detroit is so well known for, they have had quite the stellar week.
Firstly the winner that is Al_Anastasia.
This "trusted Don" from Pedro's own family cemented Detroit's growing reputation for ineptitude. Firstly he put out a hit on PoisonousJelly for the grand sum of $10,000. (I wouldn't even [SEXUALLY EXPLICIT JOKE REMOVED FOR YOUR PROTECTION]) Once that hit was bought off, he put another anonymous hit for a grand total of $1,108,000 (Once again not worth [SEXUALLY EXPLICIT JOKE REMOVED FOR YOUR PROTECTION]) The reasoning for these hits? "Principalities." Grammatical mistakes aside, the world was in shock over someone placing a hit on the new Head of LA. Bringing the fight into the streets, Al called out PoisonousJelly as a "Disgrace to all Dons in the world," further saying that LA is a stain on the 8 cities. [SEXUALLY EXPLICIT JOKE REMOVED FOR YOUR PROTECTION] He decided to take a shot at PJ, and do the job he was too much of a [REDACTED] to do originally. In typical Detroit fashion, he failed.
Next up the child of the late godmother herself! Her bloodlines ineptness shines through once more proving that [SEXUALLY EXPLICIT JOKE REMOVED FOR YOUR PROTECTION].
MacHeartsAurora decided to go into the streets and pretend like she ever mattered. With the rogue Al_Anastasia coming forward and admitting to shooting at PJ she questioned people for why a "High ranking and respected member of Detroit was killed without proper notifications." Detroit may fuck around when their members take potshots at targets they shouldn't, but the rest of us deal with threats immediately. So when a Don announces a shot and then takes it, things get put in motion right away. Not LA's fault the lazy Detroit leadership wasn't around.
And to you MacHeartsAurora; newsflash sweetheart, your mother retired and now your bloodline mean shit all to all of us. [REMOVED FOR ANIMAL CRUELTY] Hopefully her newest son, ShyRonnie, will live up to his name and stay out of sight and out of mind. That or we will all enjoy target practice, as surely the practice was enjoyed on MacHeartsAurora.
As if the day wasn't showing enough lack of leadership from Detroit, Knud, another "trusted" member from Jim's family, decided to take up the fight against the city of Los Anegeles and kill the lovable CaptainArab. News was once again attempted to get to his leader, but he was, as usual, no where to be found. After much dicking around Knud was finally taken down by one of the somewhat more competent and infinitely more available Detroit leaders. Luckily no one else managed to be killed by the train of impotence.
Dear Detroit, please learn from your mistakes. You no longer have control over your hitters, and any respect that Marietta managed to worm into Detroit is long gone. If this cocky attitude continues you'll be lucky to make it long into the new year. Please do us all a favor and [Editress: Redacted. Dear readers, if you think the prior portions of this article were mean, you'd probably vomit if you read the rest. I'll save you the mental images and therapy.]
Next week on mafia zeros! [TOPIC PREEMPTIVELY REDACTED: NEW TOPIC - KITTENS ARE SUPER CUTE]
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![[HAPPY KITTEN OWNER]](http://images.cheezburger.com/completestore/2009/6/30/128908464482586723.jpg){kind=link}
