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A Letter From The Editress
Hi there reader folks. It's been a while since I've deigned, er, needed to communicate with you all directly like this, so I'll try to keep it short and sweet for my, er, your sake. Apparently various Aztec gods whose names may or may not rhyme with sweetzilopitchli have looked upon recent issues with displeasure for some of their content. That sort of content is, with any luck, completely removed from this issue. For your reading pleasure, we bring you the new and improved New York Post, now with more bunnies, rainbows, flowers, and chocolates. Maybe even a cameo by one of Captain Planet's Planeteers if you're lucky. Despite the limitations imposed by our eternal fear of the blood gods, we trust that this shall be an enjoyable read. Some of the love we shower upon the world might even be insincere. We leave it as an exercise for the readers to discover which passages may or may not be sarcasm.
The Ground Rises
Panda, January 3
NEW YORK - It was a cold evening on Sunday, January the third. Our community was going about their daily habits when all of a sudden hits started popping up left and right on every single leader of every single city. The only man who knew anything about them was the one who placed them, Underground_Speaker. He approached the people of our community late that evening to alert us to the fact that he somehow received a mediocre sum of money and decided the best thing to do with it would be to try to get across a message. He had placed hits on every leader and given various reasons which cannot be repeated in the kinder, gentler New York Post of today. He made it perfectly clear that buying off the hits would be both a waste of time and money. He also stated that if he were to live for ten days, he would reveal the names of the people that supported him.
I dug into this story deeper, trying to find out more information about this young man who claimed to be a part of some organization. I searched for hours, spoke with many people, and looked through some old documents. Through various sources I found what I believe to be a link to Stephen_Grammauta and Seamus, though it could all just be a coincidence amplified by the rumor mill. If you recall, Seamus was a the son of Stephen_Grammauta. He came to the streets and made a speech about how powerful and mysterious Stephen was, or something. Who knows, he seemed slightly insane. He delivered what he felt was a well thought out and respectable speech, only to be mocked by the public. Stephen was a leader in Saint Louis under Godfather Rourke, until Rourke suicided and all hell broke loose. This reporter feels that Stephen's family still holds a grudge against our community and the people responsible for his death.
Happily, I must report also that after seven days, the young Underground_Speaker was shot in his sleep. If I understand correctly, he was sleeping under a bridge in New York and someone took his life. Rest in peace little one, I am glad we lost your game. Now we can go back to enjoying the petting zoo without interference from the hitlist.
Tied Up In Heaven
Cupcake, January 6
LAS VEGAS - Do not allow the title to mislead you here, Tie is not tied up in heaven. He is in fact happy and well in heaven, despite being a Mafioso, because he was in fact highly religious and never harmed a fly in his relaxing long life here. I will now tell you the end of Tie's story here with us. I can only apologize for missing out the beginning and the middle, but you must understand that reading about a grown man skipping across lush fields of daises and numerous other beautiful flowers with his 100 pet wabbits tends to be slightly repetitive.
The beginning of the end of this story is much like every other part of his story unfortunately. Tie was a fairly unoriginal chap, as Dons in the Mafia go. A man of routine, he would wake up in his pink room and gaze out of his window at the vast pastures that surrounded his picturesque cottage for 18 minutes before vacating his bedroom and enjoying a relaxing bowl of cornflakes. There is one difference with this bowl of cornflakes worth noting though, and that is the lack of tears here. Tears don't exist in Tie's world, just organic milk with his organic cornflakes.
Upon leaving his house, he would be joined shortly by his good friends, the local wabbit family and they would prance around the fields joyfully. This particular day was a bad day for Tie though. There was a wabbit missing, by the name of "Tim". Of course, all of these perfect white wabbits look the same, and thus were all named "Tim," but this is beside the point. Tie was distraught and began to search high and low for Tim, crossing the fields in leaps and bounds, twirling at regular intervals in case Tim was behind him. Upon one of these ballerina twirls, Tie tripped over something and banged his head hard on an inconveniently placed cookie tin. Would you believe, Tie actually tripped over the very Tim he was looking for! Tie looked around in a daze and saw the missing Tim before smiling and closing his eyes, dying a quiet and peaceful death. He felt no pain despite the unfortunate crack to his skull which caused his death. There is no blood in Tie's world and no pain either because everyone holds hands and is happy.
God Rest His Soul and may he enjoy all the wabbits and rainbows of heaven. Due to Tie's religious beliefs, we at the New York "bunnies and rainbows" Post decided to attempt a séance to communicate to the former Las Vegas Don in his heaven cottage.
If you are not dead from boredom, and want to read what Tie had to say in his séance, click here.
THE GODS ARE ANGRY! THEY DEMAND BLOOD!
Lucretia, January 6
TENOCHTITLAN - Huitzilopochtli looked up from the battlefield surrounded by the corpses of his enemies, battered and bruised from his long struggle. It had not been a good day. Although this solar cycle had begun well, as scores of innocents were slaughtered and their blood spilled in tribute to him each and every day, more recently the denizens of the earth had begun slacking. How was a God of War and the Sun supposed to keep fighting against the forces of darkness if the people he was fighting for would not even raise a few hundred hearts to the sky in his honor? Something drastic must be done to remedy the situation.
The desperate situation resulted in Huitzilopochtli's brother, Xipe Totec, who required even more blood to replace that lost from his flayed limbs, implementing a new festival of pain. An extra prisoner could be taken every other day, and the slaughter would be glorious. Alas, it still was not enough to ward off the darkness; it was still not enough to keep the sun glowing bright in the sky.
So Huitzilopochtli did exactly what any other god of war would do when unsatisfied with the slaughter. He sent great omens as a warning to us. First to cross his path as he walked through the realm of the mortals was New Orleans Don and crew leader Grin. With a bellow of "I DEMAND YOUR HEART!" it was finished: Grin stood for a few moments watching his heart beat in front of his eyes before collapsing to the ground. Onlookers quickly gathered to flay Grin's numerous bodyguards in honor of Xipe Totec and the corn wrought from his flesh. For a few hours, the blood gods were appeased and life was good on earth. The sun shone brightly through the crimson mess on the streets.
But a new onslaught of darkness assembled itself as later Xipe Totec walked through the streets of Chicago, next to the headquarters of the Dwight_Stiffler. The unfortunate soul was gathered with his Right Hand Man, reading a rare, original copy of The New York Post - Issue 5 (RAW, UNCUT, UNRATED, AND TOO HOT FOR RADIO!) and he grew incensed at the impudence of the mortals. How dare they laugh and read when there is blood sacrifice to be done? With a shriek of "THIS CANNOT HAPPEN!" the two collapsed dead, drained of their blood and skinned alive. The crowds rushed in to take their bodyguards to the temple grounds so that Huitzilopochtli could be appeased as well.
Finally, the world was set right, at least for the time being. A few hundred people had been slain, but it was worth it. The gods rule over the heavens and the earth was strengthened and the darkness could be held at bay. A new fear of the divine had been instilled among the masses and people were once again free to play with bunnies under the rainbows of happiness. Copious amounts of chocolate were consumed. But an important lesson was learned: Our gods are vengeful gods, demanding of blood sacrifice. We must be careful lest these streets be too quiet, or they shall intervene on their own to spill the precious droplets they require.
Fatalities Are Mean, I Use Friendships
Ricin, January 7
NEW ORLEANS - Quite a sight to see in The Big Easy this week as hundreds of dead kitties and bunnies crawled out of the ground and traveled to the headquarters of newly appointed crew leader Fatality. Being exactly the sort of fiery looking hell monster that he appears to be, it was natural to expect that the dead would come to to celebrate his promotion. The smell of frying rotting flesh enveloped the entire city of New Orleans and several neighboring towns within Louisiana. The food was plentiful at the party thrown to honor Fatality's promotion. Guests had their choice of either roasted kitty breast on white toast, or whole deep fried bunnies on a stick with a side of baked beans.
One rainbow did attempt to attend the carnivalesque party, but Consigliere Fatality would have none of that shit. As the rainbow descended down from the clouds in the middle of the lawn, Fatality screamed and screamed until the rainbow felt so hated that it burst into fire. The flame caught the uncooked animals on fire and prompted a kumbaya type song honoring Don Grin, whom Fatality is replacing. The entire party burst into tears at the memory of the fallen New Orleans hero. Well, all except Huitzilopochli, who smugly put out his cigarette in the ashes of the rainbow and slid down the sidewalk on the blood of his enemies.
All in all, it was a helluva party for the reckless somdabeech. Congratulations Fatality, and may the buffet continue.
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Levenstein gets his leg up in Chicago.
Cupcake, January 7
In a week fit to burst with action, the dirty business world took another drastic turn when the Chicago Crime Syndicate was forced to replace the deceased former Chicago crew leader Dwight Stifler with Noah Levenstein's Jewnior, Jim Levenstein. As much as this appears to be an excellent authorization, considering Jim's previous history as the Left Hand Man to the Godfather of Chicago, Godfather Iota should be hoping that his new leader will be following the fine example of the Philadelphia crew leaders. That is to say, treating every member with care and giving each one the attention that they deserve. Having said that, Philadelphia has rather clogged the obituaries as of late, so perhaps Iota is thinking that he'd prefer to see Mr. Levenstein get distracted at the local Burger King instead of mimicking the methods of others.
Putting the chilling thought of Iota to one side, it is likely that Mr. Levenstein will have plans of his own to introduce to Chicago and we at the New York "Wainbows and Wabbits" Post are looking forward to seeing what impression and influence Jim has on the good city of Chicago in his efforts to move the city forward. We wish you good luck on your endeavors Consigliere Levenstein and may your family be prosperous and may you not shoot a high percentage of your members in your first few weeks.
Detroit Trades a Diamond For a Flower
Cupcake, January 10
DETROIT - The Motor City made a change in their awesome line up today to make it even more awesome than before. The change consisted of an incredibly active and excellent example of a perfect crew leader by the name of Diamond Jim being replaced by Lily Evans, who has yet to prove herself as unbelievably high quality as her predecessor. However, I think we can safely assume that this sprightly young lady is going to be as superb, if not better than Don Jim, if that's possible.
With there hardly being a minute where the Extremely Well Protected Diamond Jim wasn't seen actively contributing to our society today, this came as a monumental surprise to see him being replaced so soon into what was a certainty to be a thrilling leadership, with his influence being felt all across the seven cities. His personality shone through day by day, with him being as nice and soft as a bunny wabbit yet as forceful as Lucretia on a night out in New York.
We must look to the glittery future of rainbows and sunshine though, and I wish my flower and my petal, Lily Evans, all the best with her newfound family which she has named "The Refined". How any family could be more refined than Don Diamond Jim, I'm sure we'll find out from Miss Evans. All we can hope for is that this authorization from Pedro Rourke will be as productive and successful as his previous ones.
Bruiser Authed In Chicago, Gets Lost In Saint Louis
Lucretia, January 11
SAINT LOUIS - Pursuant to discussions with his Godfather Iota and actual Father Noah Levenstein, Jim Levenstein took to the streets today to announce the start of a new crime family in the city of Chicago. It seems that the Windy City had long grown tired of being called "the Ma-Ti of the eight cities" for only having two families and had decided it was time to expand. Personally, I think the power of heart was the best power ever and don't even get how that's supposed to be an insult. Who can say no to endless huggles and the ability to tell cute bunnies just how much you love them? But I digress.
After the younger Levenstein had delivered his speech, it was Bruiser's turn to say a few words. Obviously delirious, presumably from the amount of love shown from this great honor, he stumbled to the streets and indicated that his family would be known as Fratelli In Armi, or FIA for short. Furthermore, he indicated that he would be continuing the recent innovative policy of slathering new arrivals fresh off the boat with kisses and chocolates to make sure they are welcome on these shores and always have a friend's hand to hold. It's only fair that every member of our community be able to feel love like Bruiser does.
Having delivered his speech, Bruiser promptly went into a narcoleptic slumber for a few minutes. Thankfully, he also mentioned this possibility while speaking to the crowds, so no one was too concerned. Unfortunately, when he woke up he seemed to have no recollection of where he was, except that he was supposed to be purchasing a headquarters, and he promptly bought the house next door and unfurled a banner reading "Fratelli In Armi" over it - despite being located in Saint Louis. Everyone around him had a good laugh while they waited for him to realize what he had done. About a half hour later, when surveying the neighborhood and passing the Gateway Arch, Bruiser finally caught on to why everyone was snickering. A quick flight and a key-exchange later, he was finally at home in his new headquarters in Chicago.
The New York Post wishes Bruiser the best of luck struggling against his sleep disorder. And his apparent problems knowing where he is. Hopefully the Ma-Ti city's powers shall be sufficient to rejuvenate him and make him into the wonderful leader we know he shall be.
A Love Poem
A new weekly column by The Love Doctor
Smexy Senga Fell in love, She planned to marry Joe, She wis so happy about it all she told her faither so.
Faither told 'er, Senga doll. You'll have to fin' another. I'd just as soon yur maw don't no, but Joe is yur half brither.
So Senga put aside her Joe and planned to marry Wull, but efter tellin' faither this, he said there's trouble still.
You canny marry Wull, Ma doll, and please don't tell yur mither, but Wull and Joe servral merr, i no is yur hof brither.
But mither knew and said ma doll, just do wit makes yo happy, Mery Wull or mery Joe, 'cos faithers no yur pappy.
Point/Counterpoint: Should You Buy Her Flowers Or Chocolates?
A Weekly Column by Lucretia
Point: Buy Me Flowers!
Flowers Make Me Smile!
Really, is this even a question? Obviously you should already have bought her the flowers, but a gal can forgive you men being a little on the slow side, I guess. As long as you shape up and bring me some flowers tonight. Contrary to popular belief, it's actually flowers that are a girl's best friend. They're the most versatile and all around best gift you can ever give us.
First off, flowers are the only gift a man ever gives a woman that has the potential to light up an entire room. I think the table we are going to eat that romantic dinner you made for me at looks plain and could use some spicing up. What does it need? Flowers as a centerpiece, of course! My desk is awfully boring, full of work I don't want to think about, and no reminders of you, whom I do. What does it need? Once again, flowers. There is probably not a single place in our house that wouldn't look better with a vase of flowers sitting nearby. You should be supplying those flowers.
But it's not just about how they look. You know how you come home from work smelling all "manly" and think it's a turn-on? Well, it's not. That's where flowers come in. You come home with wonderful smelling flowers and I'll smile and breathe deep and find a nice place to put them while you're scrubbing off in the shower! It's the perfect start for what would otherwise be a mundane evening! Plus, I can probably find a way to place them so the romantic aroma wafts over us for the rest of the evening. I can't think of any better smell for a house than freshly purchased flowers.
Some women just don't understand the joy of flowers and think that they're overrated because eventually they'll die. But they are mistaken! Instead of letting the flowers wither away and become ugly, all a crafty gal like has to do is dry them out and they can be kept as a reminder of how sweet you are forever. Flowers aren't just some everyday lame gift like a bunch of melty chocolates where when they're gone, they're gone. Not to mention, they won't make me worry about fitting into my super cute new pants. Flowers are a permanent addition to the perfection that should be our relationship. So go out there and buy me some flowers!
Counterpoint: Did Somebody Say Chocolates?
I Love Chocolates!
You know what I don't come home to often enough? Chocolates. I'm out and about all day keeping social connections for a boyfriend who doesn't care, buying all the food for the house, all the necessities of life, and when I get home, I'm tired. You know what I want then, aside a foot massage? Chocolates. That warm, fuzzy feeling in your stomach as it fills with delicious, sweet, milk chocolate is exactly what a girl needs at times like that.
You know what I don't want? Flowers! First off, I'm allergic, and there's nothing more disgusting than a runny nose when all you really want to do is sit down with a glass of red wine and some delicious chocolate to watch a movie and relax. Never mind the fact that most flowers are poisonous to my cute little kittens! They'll last three days tops, then just be withered messes. If I want something that's going to be gone in three days, I don't want flowers, I want a box of chocolates that I can share with the wonderful man that bought them for me. I think we'll all agree that a night that starts off well with aphrodisiacs like champagne and chocolates is going to end well for everyone involved. That beats the pants off flowers any day of the week.
Did I mention the taste? I think I did, but that bears repeating. Chocolate is basically the most delicious thing ever created on Earth, period. I think some scientists must have chemically engineered the stuff to be a beam of light straight into soul, brightening my day and making me want to sing out loud "yes, yes! Chocolate! YES!" I have never once in my life been able to eat chocolate and stay unhappy. It just doesn't work. The stuff is perfect. Really, what more is there to say? If you want to make a girl happy, what you need to do is bring her some chocolates.
You Decide: Flowers or Chocolate?
Does the lucky lady prefer flowers or chocolates? Cast your ballot here!
Previous Results
Which of the following best describes a pickpocketing attempt
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Missing Persons Report
A Weekly Public Service Announcement by Lucretia
Attention everyone! All is not well in our happy mafiaworld. Sometime in between finding the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow and buying soda pop for all the happy children in the area, our good friend Oderus has lost track of his friend Bushmunster! If any of you wonderful people out there could take a break from petting the cute little kittens and eating cookies long enough to forward any information regarding the whereabouts of Mr. Bushmunster to myself or Oderus, we would greatly appreciate your kindness and give you a hug. Also, Oderus bakes really great chocolate chocolate-chip cookies if you ask him really nicely. Thank you all for being such a wonderful, caring community!
MAFIA HUGGLES!
Earner Keypunch
Mafia Zeros was a weekly article that defied everything that is good and right in this world. This reporter has learned the error of his ways and will now be presenting MAFIA HUGGLES! A deeper look at the swell Mafiosos that make people all warm and fuzzy inside.
Instead of looking at the harsh realities of Grin and SirBarnabieHuckles hatred for puppies and smiling as planned, we shall instead be looking at the shining light of all that is right in this world of organized crime: Deimna!
This sparkling diamond can be seen throughout New York and the 8 cities spreading around joy and cheer. Rather then Pickpocketing she deposits 5K into everyone's pockets, just for the chance to see them smile. Rather then shooting people in the face of conflict, she gives everyone a big ol' hug and turns them into best friends forever. That's right, Deimna's wonderful ability to bring people together is the sole reason behind the prolonged era of peace and prosperity we are experiencing today.
But it's not just her infectiously wonderful demeanor that helps spread the word of peace and love. Deimna also runs a string of jolly ice cream shops. What better way to put a smile on someones face then a fresh ice cream sundae?! Deimna has proven time and again that the best way to be a proper mobster and a bright ray of sunshine in everyone's life is to spread the love one ice cream cone at a time.
This wonderful woman, and dare I say, one of the best mobsters here, displays all the right traits that are needed these days: kindness, loving huggles, and a pure heart of gold.
We should all take a leaf out of her books and become REAL friends. My hats off to you Deimna. Keep up the good work! From us here at the New York Post to you, you have done more than enough to deserve today's Mafia Huggle.
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