I have been getting many questions recently about why one should
never turn their back on the dominant male turkey during mating season,
so I've come to the streets to educate you all on the finer points of
animal mating. If you are a beta male, you can ignore this message,
since you should be swiped from the gene pool anyway.

First, a few wild turkey facts:

1. Wild male turkeys, more notably the dominant male, can stand upwards of 45 inches tall

2. He will erect his tail (THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!) and spread his
feathers out like a fan, revealing bold colors, while strutting around
and making gobbling sounds. This my friends, is called "full strut".

3. This act of "full strut" is very alluring to the female. I mean,
think about it, this is the dominant male. He stands nearly four feet
in height, how the hell could any female resist?

Simply put, this is not an animal to mess with.

Question: Is there health care in the wild?

No, in the wild, there is no health care. If you were to be attacked
by the dominant male turkey, you almost surely would suffer a horribly
cruel death, or at least be injured to the point where you'd be
unrecognizable without some form of serious miracle that has yet to be
discovered yet by modern medicine men.

A friend of mine once was attacked by the wild male turkey, and
without a weapon, he was unable to defend himself. To stop this attack,
he urinated himself, and the scent deterred the bird from further
inflicting any damage. My friend lost an eye, and he was lucky.

He now wears a patch. This is not good for his social life, but comes in handy when he is invited to costume parties.

Here are my rules for keeping yourself safe from the dominant male turkey during mating season:

1. Don't feed the turkeys.
2. Don't let the turkeys intimidate you.
3. Refrain from wearing mirrors and other reflective objects.
4. Protect your garden or crops.
5. Educate your neighbors.

I come from a long line of fighters. My maternal grandfather

was the toughest guy I ever knew. Civil War veteran killed twenty

men and spent the rest of the war in a Confederate prison camp. My father

battled blood pressure and obesity all his life. Different kind of fight.

While I may an elite fighting machine, you'll never see me turn my back on the dominant male turkey during mating season. 

That would just be stupid.

This has been a public service announcement, brought to you by Dwight K Schrute

I have now been informed and will never turn my back on these beasts again.

Becca listens to the man with wide eyes.  She places a red-nailed hand over her mouth as it morphs into an "o" of shock.  She had never been out in the wild much, precisely because of these dangers.  But now...now she knew how to defend herself.  She sought out the man as he began to leave.

"Mr. Schrute, thank you very much for this information.  My work occasionally takes me into the more uncivilized parts of our great country, and I've often wondered how best to avoid wildlife mishaps such as being confronted by a wild male turkey.  My hopes are that you will bring many more nuggets of wisdom such as these to the streets, educating all about how to fight for your life in the ways passed down from your ancestors.  Thank you again, Mr. Schrute."

The young lady smiles and walks away, determined to remember his advice in the event of a wild turkey confrontation.

Well Miss Macleod, I thank you for your interest, but I must point out the difference between just a wild male turkey, and the dominant wild male turkey during mating season.

Some would say there is no difference, a turkey is a turkey, but I find that absurd.

When I think of the word "dominant", a few things come to mind:

Dwight Schrute (a true alpha male)

Napolean

Mt. Vesuvius

My Dominatrix

And...

The dominant male turkey during mating season

I hope this further clarifies the seriousness of the situation. Dominance is not something to mess with, especially when it comes to a wild animal ready to mate (or if you happen to end up with a ball gag in your mouth, but that is for another time and place).

"Oh, my, yes...dominance is the key here.  Any turkeys that chicken out wouldn't be much of a threat, would they?"

The sixteen-year-old brings her eyebrows together slightly, pondering something else he said.

"But...what's a dominatrix, Mr. Schrute?"

Emerges from the boutique in time to hear her granddaughter ask her most recent question.

Oh sweet Christ.

Grabs RebeccaMacleod by the shoulder and steers her away, speaking over her shoulder.

Thank you for the informative speech Mr. Schrute very interesting have a wonderful day!

Now lets go shopping, eh Becca?

gulps

"Umm...Okay, Grandmama.  Thank you again, Mr. Schrute!"

She follows her grandmother down the street, a slightly quizzical look on her face.  As they round a corner, her voice rises again.

"Grandmama...what's a dominatrix?"

Kates's face blanches visibly before she whisks Rebecca around the corner.

Laughs as she hears the young girl ask the question for a second time and shakes her head.

Mr. Schrute, I applaud you for informing the masses of such a dangerous threat. I have before been educated on the dangers of dominance, or rather, dominant wild male turkeys, especially during mating season.

Giggles and walks away, shaking her head.

"Oh, my, yes...dominance is the key here.  Any turkeys that chicken out wouldn't be much of a threat, would they?"

The sixteen-year-old brings her eyebrows together slightly, pondering something else he said.

"But...what's a dominatrix, Mr. Schrute?"

To define, Miss Macleod, I have traveled forward in time (in my own mind, of course) to dig this up for you:

Dominatrix is the feminine form of the Latin dominator, a ruler or lord, and was originally used in a non-sexual sense. Its use in English dates back to at least 1561.

One other thing I've learned to not turn my back on is a woman scorned. It is a proven fact that 70% of all attacks occur from the rear. I hope I didn't send the wrong message, Godmother Kates!

I'd be happy to offer you a lifetime supply of beets from my personal farm, as a token of my goodwill. For years, the Schrute name has been leading the way in beet farming here in America.