Bears are very dangerous animals. They should not be taken lightly,
and you could be seriously injured in the event you ever come in
contact with one. Miss Rebecca MacLeod and I recently had a discussion
about bears, and we have decided to share it here with you with hopes
of further educating you on the dangers bears pose to people,
specifically we as mobsters.

Please feel free to add your views, or just respond to what has been discussed here.

Let it be known that we have no time for beta males, or kiss asses, so those individual can keep their comments to themselves.

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To: RebeccaMacleod


From: Dwight-Schrute


Subject:



Question: Which bear is best?

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To: Dwight-Schrute


From: RebeccaMacleod


Subject:



Depends on your definition of "best". Do you mean the more kick-ass, or the one that won't hurt you?

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To: RebeccaMacleod


From: Dwight-Schrute


Subject:



Well, there are two schools of thought.



First, is the figurative interpretation. Which bear, as a figure, do you think is best?



Finally, we have the literal interpretation. What I mean by this, is

that I literally think you're a fool if you believe that any bear

wouldn't hurt you if given the opportunity.



Especially if there is food, or the opposite sex involved.

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To: Dwight-Schrute


From: RebeccaMacleod


Subject:



Well, I think that as a model to what should be in the psyche of humans

as to what a bear is should, possibly, be a mixture of the ferocious,

roaring bear and the calmer, gentler bear that catches fish and eats

berries. Somewhat similar to what you've mentioned about bears not

passing up opportunities to hurt you, but more along the lines of...if

you get too close to them, a bear will almost certainly hurt you,

whether it intends to or not. But also remember that many are

endangered species, and that they do not often actively go out in

pursuit of humans to bother.

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To: RebeccaMacleod


From: Dwight-Schrute


Subject:



Well, that's debatable.



I'd like to see you competing with that calmer, gentler bear for those

fish and berries. I believe you'd then be the endangered species, Miss

Macleod.

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To: Dwight-Schrute


From: RebeccaMacleod


Subject:



Like I said: if you get too close to that bear, it probably will attack

you. I'm not trying to paint a teddy bear, here. I'm trying to argue

for a view of bears as not merely cold-blooded killers, but animals

who, while generally peaceful, do possess their own territories that

need to be respected.

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To: RebeccaMacleod


From: Dwight-Schrute


Subject:



The Teddy Bear, what a destructive creation that was. Do you realize

the dangers of introducing that interpretation of bears to young

children prior to them being properly educated? We are discussing wild

animals here, Miss MacLeod.



Wild.



To define: living in a state of nature; not tamed or domesticated: a wild animal



Bears, by nature, are not domesticated. Bears do not settle disputes in

the wild by having tea, having a heartfelt discussion, or shaking

hands. They fight with the sole purpose of dominating the other, which

as I described in my speech about the dominant male wild turkey during

mating season, is not something you want to turn your back on.



They need to be respected because they are vicious, highly trained, killing machines.

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To: Dwight-Schrute


From: RebeccaMacleod


Subject:



Well now you're getting into the rhetoric of that bigot Stephen Colbert.



While bears are not creatures that you would like to cuddle, they still deserve respect, Mr. Schrute. They still deserve respect.

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To: RebeccaMacleod


From: Dwight-Schrute


Subject:



Who is this Stephen Colbert you speak of?


He is a man I'm sure I'd enjoy having a discussion with, or possibly selling paper products to.



If they are not to be cuddled, why do we as a society give that false

sense of security to young children who know nothing about the TRUE

dangers of bears? Small children, many of which who can't even control

their own bowel movements, are being taught to snuggle up to bears!

Bears are wild, and can kill, Miss MacLeod!



This is an outrage!

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To: Dwight-Schrute


From: RebeccaMacleod


Subject:



Well, you must, at the same time, admit that a teddy bear looks quite

different from an actual bear. Teddy bears are created in order to

produce a more emotional reaction based on our expectations of what

babies look like.



But I do agree that it can, possibly, lead to an incomplete

understanding of what a bear is and how it should be treated. But that,

Mr. Schrute, is what education

is for. The teddy bear is already so deeply ingrained in our culture

that it would be a travesty to remove teddies completely. Teaching our

children about the dangers of bears, however, is something that they

will need to learn anyway, teddies or no.

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To: RebeccaMacleod


From: Dwight-Schrute


Subject:



I'd argue that a child who mistakes a real bear for that "teddy" they

sleep with every night, will have a very emotional parent. In fact, any

parent who allows their children to own one of these silly fluffy toys

should be eaten in their sleep, but I digress.



I do respect your thoughts though, Miss MacLeod. While I disagree with

your idea that these ridiculous novelties are so deeply ingrained in

our society that we can not eliminate them, I do agree that all people

need to be further educated about the dangers of bears.



I hope this discussion of ours can serve as a tool to help educate

others about what to do when encountering a bear in its natural habitat.

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To: Dwight-Schrute


From: RebeccaMacleod


Subject:



Yes, I hope so as well, Mr. Schrute.

holds out a delicate hand to shake his

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To: RebeccaMacleod


From: Dwight-Schrute


Subject:


I hope you've sanitized, first.

Dwight returns the handshake quickly before going back to his work

Zuldazar listens in

Bears?! Bears are dangerous to humans but not to Orcs. Back on my island we used to wrestle with bears for a sport. I had many encounters with bears and I can say they do not harm nor scare Zuldazar any longer.

You seem to possess a skill that I'd like to learn for myself, Zuldazar.

I'm already an elite fighting machine, but I'm always looking for ways to increase my overall prowess.

I noticed this tattoo on you:
I am an orc, I have no need for human dollars.

Question: Would you accept Schrute Bucks as a form of payment for your training services?

I put it to you Mr Schrute that any child who confuses a teddybear with a real bear may indeed be placing himself/herself into real danger, however, from a cold hearted, purely logical perspective; such is the underlying basis of natural selection.

Any child without wit enough to differentiate between the two varieties of "bear" in question is unlikely as a general rule to go on to achieve high office or command. Such children will likely form the working classes, who while important, are of thoroughly ample supply.

Nature can seem cruel Mr Schrute, but is the existence of teddybears, coupled with the existence of bears, not doing us the very great favour of weeding out the outrageously idiotic?

GaryBusey saw a bear playing baseball with a unicorn once.  It was after one of Tom Sizemore's parties.

My arch-nemesis Jay Cutler plays for the Bears.

*Philip throws a touchdown*

I hate the Bears

BloodyFaster looks astonished to Mr Rivers

Don't you dare talk bad things about Chicago's football team!
You're just complaining because we just won the 1933 Super Bowl!

Goes buy his season ticket at his home town.

My best friend is a BearSnakeLimaANTEATER. He's a nice bloke, almost always misunderstood though. Maybe the bear side isn't dominant, but I believe strongly that the personality of the bear is key to whether I like them or not. I do not discriminate based on species!

He does attack me if I get too close though

My Father wasn't dangerous at all, and was loved and respected by many, and only feared and hated by one.

Blagger sniffs in an almost derisory fashion before wandering off to score some good weed

To be honest I am the best Bear

The is no question at all

Well that's debatable, Grizzly.

The black bear is quite a formidable opponent.

Have you ever personally fought a Black Bear, Grizzly?

I would like to hear this tale, if so.

Any Alpha male worth his salt knows that a grizzly bear would dominate a black bear.

Return to your beet farm sir.

Fair enough, Falcon.

But what about the Polar Bear?

Furthermore, I believe you'd stand no chance against the dominant male turkey during mating season. There is nothing you can do to stop that bird from having his way when he's mid-coitus.

Fact.

Dwight, I'm putting my cash on the grizzly bear. He is the most dominate animal alive today. As for your turkey fetish, I'm scared by it.

Prove it, Falcon.

Also, you clearly strike me as a man who underestimates the power of the dominant male turkey during mating season.

I had a friend like you once, he was smug, attractive, and fairly certain that he could outsmart that bird. Upon coming in contact with one, he turned his back and was ambushed, then immediately was taken to the ground. This onslaught of pecking and clawing went on for approximately 3 minutes. After all was said and done, his face was unrecognizable, and he had defecated in his pants.

He hasn't been the same since.

Women just don't like men who can't control their bowels, Falcon. You should take note of that, so you don't suffer the same fate.

Dwight

I'm ready to unleash a grizzly bear on you and your beloved turkey. Then it shall be you who is suffering bowel control!

I am a purple belt, Falcon.

I can assure you that if facing these animals head on, I have the skills necessary to elude their attacks and escape this potentially fatal situation.

Again, this is why you should never turn your back on bears, men you have wronged, and the dominant male turkey during mating season.

Im curious as to what would happen if a female turkey where to distract this dominate male turkey.

Please, Purple Belt, inform the masses about this important issue.

Would you accept Schrute Bucks as a form of payment for your training services?

If human would like to learn Bear wrestling ways Zuldazar will gladly teach you without charge. Zuldazar very friendly Orc and Zuldazar would like to make many human friends.