*Names have been changed for privacy reasons

When Karen got on the plane to Venice Beach six hours ago she figured the trip would be a casual one and not one that she’d be sitting in the back of a van at any point. She’d participate in a little pleasure during the day and a little pleasure once the sun had set. Her plan had gone pretty smoothly. She checked into her hotel that was right on the beach, had the bell boy take her luggage to her room and she went down to the beach to get some sun. Detroit had nothing on Los Angeles. Only in the city of angels could you get a tan in the afternoon and torch a rival’s business at night. 

Karen had planned on going on to one of the famous jazz bars the city had to offer, but had gotten a call from her besty, ChainsawPony*, who worked out in Pasadena. Since LA didn’t have any sort of official leadership there were several smaller gangs always circling each other making sure the other didn’t make any big moves. Karen didn’t really keep up with it, she was from basically the other side of the country. ChainsawPony must have gotten word that Karen would be in town and knew her besty would be up for a little bonfire. So, of course, six hours after Karen got off the plane she sat in the back of a van with a few other associates ready to torch a rival’s business. 

The organized crime was a success and Karen invited group back to her hotel room for bubbly and gossip. Karen was absolutely delighted when everyone agreed, even the tall, dark and drop dead gorgeous bae, S decided to come along. Even though she’d probably just sit in the corner, looking out the window and acting all mysterious it’d be good to have him there for old times sake.

So, there they sat, Karen, Sally “ChainsawPony” Anderson*,  Dorothy “WarMonger” Smith*, Shirley “S” Franklin*, Betty “CocoPuffCin” Crocker*, Virginia “Virgin” Washington*. Each had a glass of bubbly, singing along to the radio and playing hearts.

“You know who has my heart?” 

WarMonger teased the ladies as she laid down a winning hand. The other ladies fell over each other as they all exclaimed WHO at the same time. WarMonger just giggled. 

“I guess I should say, you know who I want to have my heart?!!!?” 

Again a fit of  laughter erupted from all the ladies and WarMonger continued.

“Now, I’ve only seen pictures of him, but that hottie in Vegas, PeterPerttits!”

WarMonger fell back onto a pillow, her face red from blushing. 

“Oh em gee!!!!!…he’s very handsome!” Exclaimed CocoPuffCin. 

“He wears the finest suits. Have you seen them?!” Virgin blurted after she popped some popcorn into her mouth.

“A very solid auth.” Karen hollered as ChainsawPony spilled bubbly on the carpet.

“Yeah, but Vegas…it’s a wild city.” CocoPuffCin retorted as Virgin painted her nails.

No explanation needed to be said. It wasn’t wild like LA, it was wild in a way only the desert could handle. As Karen thought on the different types of auths she was bopped on the head with a pillow. 

Oh you did not!!!

She exclaimed and grabbed a pillow herself and smacked the nearest girl. The room quickly erupted in a pillow fight. This even got S’s attention and joined the fight aka any mans wet dream. Pajama parties were just the best!!!!

The next morning Karen was thinking about her next speech for the streets. It would have to be about auths. So as she and her LA friends sipped on fabulous mimosas Karen asked each of them about different auths they had personally seen and also read about in their families journals. As the taxi pulled away from the curb, Karen said goodbye to all her Baes, she was sad to be leaving them, but eager to get home and on the streets to deliver her next list.

later that day

Ladies and gentleman.

Karen cleared her throat. 

I’d like to introduce you all to my newest list. 

Five Types of Auth!

1. The Desperate Auth

You’re a Don about to take on the current Godfather to take your rightful place, but you need an auth. 

Karen paused for a moment.

Come to think of it, I believe this recently happened in our very own Brooklyn, New York with WiggleButt. He desperately needed an auth to expand his reign of New York, but he just didn’t have anyone that really took his breath away. Well, I don’t really need to go into much detail of who he chose and what happened after that. 

Karen smiled like a fantastically floral lady of joy and peace and muffins.

Though, what did unfold leads me into the second type of auth.

2. The Safety Dance

@Miss_Nicki is a great example of this. Where the Godfather/mother/sheep is so paranoid they only auth the same bloodline over and over again. Sure, anyone can pass this off as The Legacy auth (more to come), but lets be honest with ourselves here. Frank_Gallagher, PoisonCentipede and DannyGreene spoke more of Miss_Nicki’s mother than Miss_Nicki herself. Safety Dance can also be known as Deja Vu auths. 

Miss_Nicki, I’d say you have big shoes to fill, but it doesn’t seem like there are any standards in New York so you should be good to go!

3. The Legacy

The Legacy auth has been on these shores for quite some time. They have decades of family journals. Read them front to back and has a deep knowledge of how our world works. It’s not exactly shocking or troubling when a legacy auth pops up. It’s almost more shocking when a legacy is on our shores and doesn’t put on a bold suit.

4. The New Blood

This is a great thing, but terrible at the same time. Sometimes it works out. Sometimes it crashes and burns. It’s a gamble. 

5. The Mute

Every few months someone comes out here and lets us all know they’d like to see more leaders with a voice, but there is always that one or several leader that likes to be quiet. Dumb and quiet. Smart and quiet. Quiet and quiet. It’s just going to happen. 

Now, I think there are a lot of other ways people get bold suits and why they get them. Like, being super loyal and just an honest to goodness type of person like the bestest type of person a person could ever manage to be. These are just a few! 

Karen jumped off the soap box, pulled out her nail polish and approached a homeless man. 

OH EM GEE!!!!

She exclaimed. 

Darling! Your nails are dreadful. Here, let me help you!!!

Karen could now paint a full set of nails in under ten minutes flat. A pajama party for a mobster could really teach you a thing or two about the life of crime and give you some super excellent skills that will totally help you be more of a criminal type person. 

Zootopia  remains restless even after winning several relaxing games at a very strategic card game. She wonders into work mode. What the fuck???? The shit is this high and there ain't no drug deals? The economy is hurting big time. She moves onto the dealers and sets them straight.  A  piece of cake bank rob lands on her lap. She ventures into the next job. She grabs her shovel thinking is a morbid job but hey a buck is a buck. While multi tasking she hears about a pajama party. Thinking that sounds like fun she finishes up her work. Smiling, she can only hope the infamous BillyBathtub will be his creative self raising the excitement level with one of his streaking episodes.

Zooptopia makes an appearance at the pajama party. She takes in the talk and finds the pillow fights to be inviting. She jumps in to join the fun. 

KarenSmith, I guess history means jack shit anymore.

Hmmm. 

Will came and listened.  He was fascinated by the discussion of the types of auths.  He heard the words, paid close attention, and pondered the list.  Then shrugged.  He thought, "sounds a little flimsy to me."  He wanted more.  He wanted to know more...

About this new blood.  Great and terrible at the same time?  Huh?  Yeah, that makes sense.  I'll tell you one thing.  You have no idea who is or isn't new blood.  Let's cross that one off the list.  That's not really a reason for auth.  Moving on.  

According to your list - The Safety Dance and the Legacy Auth are the same thing.  These are both established bloodlines authed because they are respected (safe) and have a good history (safe).  Let's combine them into one.  I know - the four kinds of auths doesn't sound as good.  But that's okay, because right now, you're down to three.  

The mute.  Now this is the stupidest thing I've ever heard.  You have no idea how much a leader talks or doesn't talk, and to whom he or she talks.  I guarantee you have no idea who I talk to , when we talk, or what we talk about.  So, what exactly does it mean to be mute?  It's a word that people like to use when they don't know a leader, and don't know how he or she communicates to his people, to the community, and to the city in which he or she resides.  So, let's get rid of this one too.  It's worthless.  Down to two. 

The desperate auth?  Really?  Let's pull some of my extensive legal background out of my ass to throw out... "objection, speculation!"  Don't guess why somebody auths another.  Let's remember - those who are in line to become Godfather are well aware they are in line to become Godfather long before they actually become Godfather.  You know what that means?  It means they have time.  And they use that time to figure things out.  One of those things they figure out is who they will auth in their place.   So, let's get rid of this one.  Looks like you're down to one.  

But don't fear, I'm here to help.  

I have one for you.  I know, it requires some thought.  

The Earned Auth:  This is where a Godfather or another in a position to auth a crewleader chooses somebody who has earned the right to become a crewleader.  I know.  it's shocking, isn't it?  These are the members of the community who work their asses off regardless of their history or lack thereof, and prove themselves worthy of taking a position as a crewleader.  This is a person who creates his or her own legacy by living this life the way it's supposed to be lived, and is a valued member of his or her family, his or her city, and the community as a whole.   These are people who are respectful, loyal, and live and die by Omerta.  And they deserve to be authed - not because they are new or old, they have a family history, or their GFs are desperate.  

So, consider adding this type of auth to your list.  Or, you go back to doing your nails and I'll stay here educating the community on auths.

Karen, welcome to Team Alpha Squad! I'll have my tailor get in contact with you soon for measurements!

Well. I sat here and listened to the inane drivel that came out of the mouth of Miss Smith and was all set to totally frown upon her disrespect and complete nonsense that she spoke... but instead I listened to WillHayes and have a smile back on my face.

I really don't know if you were trying to be funny with your list Karen, but frankly I find it absurd. That's fine though, it's all about opinions isn't it? I hope you can listen to what Will there has said and be good enough to provide him a response.

Or you could just float about doing nothing of importance as per usual.

Some excellent points here Karen.

Quite frankly I'm not sure anyone can honestly disagree, hence why there is a lack of response. 

The reason I love war is because it is the only time where: a) A crewleader actually has to lead; b) A crewleader actually has to think; c) Those that should have actually been given the family come to the forefront and save their crewleaders ass. 

Would love to hear your thoughts on "The Legacy Right Hand Man" too Karen. Shout out to all those hard workers getting over looked for a decision that wasn't based on, or made, in this place. 

I beg to differ HenrySestern I can honestly disagree, since KarenSmith was kind enough to spout my name without even take a single second to know me. She didn't even bother to take a moment to spell my name correctly. She just decided that because I was auth'd so soon after my mother had been auth'd that I wasn't worthy of being a crew leader. 

She has no idea who I am, or what I am about, she would just rather spout injustice in the streets. So maybe, if she would actually take five minutes out of her day to introduce herself and try to get to know ME, she would understand the situation.  

Miss_Niki nods her head at HenrySestern and carries on about her day.

I enjoyed learning about all the different types of auths. I think particular ones are what we have currently and others are so far and in between.

Edward pulls a chair and listens to the young lass. Smiling as he sipped his rum he set the bottle down.

"I guess you could say my bloodline is a legacy, but my line hasn't been auth'd since the late DominicG in LA. Sometimes the Legacies just don't want a break all the hustle and bustle. My journals show that my line has been auth'd quite a few times and a lot was during a war only to be later killed, but that is just my two cents." 

Leans back in the chair sipping on his bottle of rum.

Karen had every intention to reply to everyone who had spoke up after her list of five types of auth, but then she got distracted by a butterfly. A few days later Karen finally found herself back at the same street corner. 

Dear Dearest Zootopia,

Thank you very much for contributing to my speech, Darling! 

P.S. I’ll make sure you get added to Karen Smith’s Bestest Pajama Party list. That way you’ll never miss another! 

Next was WillHayes.

Dear Mr. Consigliere Will Hayes,

First and foremost I would like to thank you every so graciously for coming to the streets and speaking with us all! It’s always wonderful to see leaders mingling with everyone else.

Thinking is definitely not for everyone and I’m guilty of it not being for me. It gives me headaches, I like much simpler things. Like muffins and pajama parties. Plus, this just makes me ridiculously more cute!!! I will respectfully agree to disagree with you that The Safety Dance and The Legacy Auth are the same thing. See, when I was drafting all this up the first time I grouped them together, but there are differences. I just can’t remember them at the moment.

Karen smiled.

The Earned Auth is a great one to add to the list!! I hope everyone took a minute to listen to the description of the earned auth and more people consider taking it to heart. Going that path, etc. There’s an easy way and there’s a hard way. Sometimes the easy way will give you crabs.

Karen frowned. 

Dear Ragnarok,

I accept the membership to Team Alpha Squad!!! I look forward to speaking with your tailor. Super excited over here!!!

Karen beamed a smile.

Dear Mr. Tyrion,

Thanks so much for giving your opinion! Yes, I have learned much from WillHayes and I believe I am a changed person after this!! Opinions, I love ‘em!

Karen smiled.

Dear Mr. HenrySestern,

Oh, people will always disagree on something or everything. I’m sure some famous smart guy said something about being a Negative Nancy and I could quote it, but who has time for that? I won’t let you down Mr. Sestern, more to come soon!

Karen smiled.

Dear @Miss_Nicki,

Welcome to the party!!! So glad you have a voice and have used it to voice your opinion. It doesn’t really matter to me if you agree or disagree. Opinions are wonderful!!! Darling, take a minute and tell us how you really feel! Calm down, don’t worry. We all respect opinions here. 

You seem to be pointing your finger very negatively at me. Communication is a two way street ma’am. Maybe YOU should be reaching out to everyone so they can get to know you. Or maybe, when you present yourself on these streets you shouldn’t act like such a bimbo and then expect us not to treat you like one! 

See, I’m a huge ditz and I’m pretty sure at least seven people have called me dumb behind my back just today, but hey, haters gonna hate. I own myself and make no apologies for how dumb I am. Miss_Niki, embrace yourself! Love yourself, bae! 

P.S. I don't appreciate you being so negative towards me. You're obviously just jealous that I throw much better pajama parties. Also, because of your behavior towards me, I can't add you to my super special slumber party list. 

Miss_Niki, I’ll pray for you!

Karen gave Niki a hopeful smile.

Dear Miss Cin,

I’m glad you enjoyed yourself! Thanks for commenting!!!

Dear Mr. Edward_Kenway,

Boy, you are totally a legacy bloodline authed person! Go you! You rock!!!!

Karen Smiled.

She quietly approaches Karen from behind and slips a cookie into her pocket hoping to go unnoticed until she remembers just how sexy Karen is when she's being such a darling in public.

Karen, ma'am, please excuse me for bothering you during this important and serious discussion, but where do you get your nails done?! I'd love mine to look that fantastic when people gaze upon my corpse. 

Karen noticed Seven as soon as she snuck up behind her. She didn’t let on as she loved when Seven touched her bum bum. 

Oh gurrrrrrrl.

Karen said to Seven, she flashed her nails in front of herself. 

It’s easier just to tell you my list, darling.

1. At the salon where I get my hair did. 

2. At my bad ass slumber parties that are off the hook!

3. Sometimes I force the correctional officer that I pay off to do them. I do say force in a very light way. I honestly think he enjoys it.

4. Pine’s mom and I have these cute little dates and sometimes we do each other’s nails

5. If I’m really slumming it, I’ll do them myself.

Karen grabbed Seven’s hand and looked at her friends nails.

OH EM GEEE!!! What are you doing to yourself? Why are your nails so dreadful??

Dear KarenSmith,

May I please be invited to the next pajama party? I heard Seven frequents them as well.

Love, Charlie Kelly.

P.S. I will bring kitten mittens

The mute.  Now this is the stupidest thing I've ever heard.  You have no idea how much a leader talks or doesn't talk, and to whom he or she talks.  I guarantee you have no idea who I talk to , when we talk, or what we talk about.  So, what exactly does it mean to be mute?  It's a word that people like to use when they don't know a leader, and don't know how he or she communicates to his people, to the community, and to the city in which he or she resides.  So, let's get rid of this one too.  It's worthless.  Down to two. 

 I have to interject and disagree with you here. We the people can make judgements on how much someone does talk, as every leader has a nifty list attached to the back of their jackets nearly detailing every time they've spoke. This list can be the determining factor in whether or not someone is considered mute. The amount of conversation carried on in the back rooms of various speak easys arn't factored into ones evaluation of being 'mute' or not.

Karen thought on what Ragnarok has said.

What about all the behind the scenes work? Talking with members? Speaking with other crew leaders? Planning, plotting, organizing. If a "mute" crew leader falls in the forest will anyone hear it?