Schrute Times- Jan 24

Owned and operated by Dwight K Schrute

Hello, my name is Dwight K Schrute, and I am a paper salesman. I also
double as a businessman, owning and operating Schrute Farms, a beet
farm that doubles as a Bed & Breakfast. Each week, you shall be
caught up to speed on what I deem some of the most important events of
the week that was across our world.

A new world power?

By Dwight K Schrute

Recently, a mysterious family popped up in Delaware City, run by Don
TylerDurden. Mr. Durden was taken down during the past few days, but
there are many shocking things that lead me to believe that he may not
have been working alone. After some investigative reporting, I have
reason to believe Mr. Durden was being aided all along by the family of
Project-Mayhem (Anonymous | WebSpider | HelpDesk | Project_Mayhem |
tiggy), more specifically, by the notorious WebSpider.


While passing through Delaware City recently, I spotted WebSpider and
fromer Durden RH MarlaSinger sharing a milkshake together at an ice
cream shop. They seemed very chummy, and were taking part in a bit of
public canoodling, which was borderline offensive (but slightly
arousing just the same!).


Adding to my suspicion was a message I found in the dumpster behind the
ice cream shop. You don't need to know why I was dumpster diving, so
I'll get right to the message:

Dearest WebSpider,

I need to see you again. I can no longer push my feelings for you
aside, and I believe you feel the same. I can no longer keep my romance
with fat man RobertPaulson going, as he is too old, and his tits are
too big. Meet me at the ice cream shop on the outskirts of Delaware
city at 13:00 MR time on Jan 23. Don't be late.

Yours Always,

Marla

Following the death of Durden's mob, one must ask, what else does
Project-Mayhem have in store for us? Everyone in the eight cities must
now be on high alert for this new and dangerous threat.

Admin Jail

Username     Sentenced On     Sentence     Time Left     Reason


felix     01/24 00:56     1 day, 0 seconds.     5 hours, 11 minutes, 10 seconds.     Plagiarism

Mark-Hamil     01/24 13:35     1 minute, 0 seconds.     Free to go     Email verification

Mob Weather

By Dwight K Schrute

New York: High 80s and Partly Cloudy


Philadelphia: Low 20s and Sunny


Chicago: Mid 40s with a possible tornado or two


Detroit: Mid 70s with a slight chance of rain


New Orleans: Upper 20s with a Blizzard Warning


St. Louis: 37.6 degrees with a 9% chance of hail


Las Vegas: 98.6 degrees and zero chance of rain


Los Angeles: Low 40s and crappy


Delaware City: The weather is partly sunny. The weather is partly sunny. The weather is partly sunny.

Obits

By Dwight K Schrute

Each week, we shall recognize three (no more, no less) unheralded
members of our community that have lost their lives in the line of fire
during the week. Even the little people matter, and Schrute Times is
here to tell their stories.

BrianZayed       None      Gangster      Dead      Jan 17, '10 16:47       Jan 24, '10 16:48

Mr. Zayed is survived by his estranged son, Wilbur, and his imaginary
friend Shamus. By trade, Mr. Zayed was a piss clam farmer, and enjoyed
basket weaving in his spare time. His funeral was attended by nobody.

MistyCleo       None      Gangster      Dead      Jan 17, '10 16:27       Jan 24, '10 16:28

Miss Cleo is survived by her son, CleoCleo, and her 16 loving persian
cats. Miss Cleo was a school cafeteria worker by day, and dirty
prostitute by night (hat tip to Drexl for providing Schrute Times with
that information). When she wasn't feeding students or lying on her
back, Miss Cleo enjoyed spelunking and sniffing markers. Her funeral
was attended by nobody.

TotoMogilevich       None      Gangster      Dead      Jan 17, '10 15:49       Jan 24, '10 15:50

Mr. Mogilevich is survived by his wife Beatrice, and daughter Dorothy.
Mr. Mogilevich was an unemployed alcoholic who beat his wife and
neglected his daughter. In his spare time, he was busy being a waste of
life that had this day coming. His funeral was attended by nobody, and
that's how it should be, since he was a piece of trash.

Drug Prices

Delaware City

[DC] Marijuana       $65       -      

[DC] Mushrooms      $360      -     

[DC] Hashish             $716      -     

[DC] Opium             $721      -     

[DC] Amphetamines      $242      -     

[DC] Grain Alcohol      $1,204      -     

[DC] Morphine      $1,671      -     

[DC] Barbiturates      $4,596      -     

[DC] Heroin      -       $8,251      -     

[DC] Cocaine      -       $5,122      -     

Quote of the week

By Dwight K Schrute

This little tidbit was overheard while walking the streets of Delaware
City, and was said by a nobody (now deceased, RIP) by the name of
JosephJefferson:

"I like my women how I like my coffee.... In a burlap sack on the back of a donkey."

Street Speech of the Week

By Dwight K Schrute

The award for street speech of the week goes to gemenii, from New York.
His speech was immediately yanked from the streets from the gods, but
we here at Schrute Times were able to secure a copy of it for you!

To view the speech of the week, go here: http://mafiareturns.com/comm/thread/82733

Interested in writing for Schrute Times? Drop me a mail and let
me know what you'd be able to bring to my publication. We're not
interested in hiring kiss asses or beta males, so as always, you folks
can save your breathe since there isn't a chance in hell that I'll be
hiring you.

Fantastic, another news paper for the eight cities to read and tear to pieces!

A much better attempt at a paper than any previous, other than the New York's amazing paper.

Whilst rather... Objective on matter's it sticks to a code of respect.

I still believe that a few more articles could have been thrown in, but any starting paper is going to have a low amount of writers to begin with, Good luck with your paper Sir.

I'm glad to see you haven't forgotten the little people from the Obits.  I like hearing what the little guys' stories are too.

Q_Legacy wanders off, chuckling to himself with the paper in hand

It's a better attempt at the start of the paper than any other, but do try to include more articles in the next ones. After all, there is so much happening. Looking forward to seeing what the next one looks like.

It should be noted that for the most part, this is intended to be a humorous piece. That isn't to say the drug prices I posted in Delaware City aren't accurate, but I'm also not going to be revealing my sources.

Mark picks up the paper and reads it

Nice little read there Dwight really enjoyed it.

Looking forward to reading the next one

It should be noted that for the most part, this is intended to be a humorous piece. That isn't to say the drug prices I posted in Delaware City aren't accurate, but I'm also not going to be revealing my sources.

I can assure you that although my comments were rather serious constructive critism, I am well aware of the somewhat Sarcastic/Humourus nature of this paper. I liked it, so I put forward my thoughts that you should build on this well written paper and perhaps make a name for yourself.

More atricles are a great Idea, even for Sarcastic/Humourus Papers, it gives us more to read on different subjects. I love the fact that you have shared your opinions on the Deleware City situation via humor, and I look forward to the next issue. (If there is indeed to be more.)

"I can assure you that although my comments were rather serious
constructive critism, I am well aware of the somewhat
Sarcastic/Humourus nature of this paper. I liked it, so I put forward
my thoughts that you should build on this well written paper and
perhaps make a name for yourself.


More atricles are a great Idea, even for Sarcastic/Humourus Papers, it
gives us more to read on different subjects. I love the fact that you
have shared your opinions on the Deleware City situation via humor, and
I look forward to the next issue. (If there is indeed to be more.)"

My clarification was less directed at any one person, as it was more just a declaration that this paper is more intended to be something that will lighten the mood here on the streets.

There seems to be quite a bit of venom being spewed at some of the other paper owners (other than the now discontinued NY publication), so I hope this lighthearted attempt is well received, and taken for what it is intended to be. While some of that criticism may be warranted, I can understand now on a personal level the work those individuals put in, and I at least tip my cap to them for their attempts.

I hope to secure a few writers to help with the content, and am looking forward to putting this out on a weekly basis.

Thanks again for your constructive suggestions, which I've certainly noted and will be taking into consideration.