Gwarbley Barbleing

It was with a slightly bruised ego that I began searching the Streets this morning. I say searching, I suppose meandering aimlessly from corner to corner like a drunken Hoopi is wanton to do would be more accurate - although admittedly I wasn't pulling up my skirt, flashing my three day unwashed knickers at rather disgruntled and pitying passersby in an effort to find a patron to fund my wild dreams. There were subtle differences after all.

No. My aimless meandering stemmed from the fresh set of bills stuffed firmly into my pocket from my now completed rounds, giving me the rest of the day to spend, well, aimlessly meandering from corner to corner. My own river-like movements aside, the more important aspect would by the reason for my aforementioned slightly bruised ego.

The most recent fad about our vast criminal network seems to be an inherent desire to report on the happenings of the week, day or last 37 seconds. This particular phenomena wouldn't usually have tickled my fancy like a drunken Hoopi is desperate to have happen to him - I think I'll leave that one there - other than the fact that nobody approached me for either an interview or to cast my wisdom over the cities in some sort of Mafia Morality tale, with equal measures of H=honest assessment, tough love, pomposity and self-importance. With my own services being deemed surplus to requirements, rather like Hoopi is, I decided to take matters into my own hands.

I'm not going to provide you with news - I'll leave that firmly in the hands of the chumps. That was a dig at Mux. Just so we are all clear. My particular set of talents lie in greener pastures, with pies that I have fingers in and ears scattered all over the ground picking up the juiciest tittle-tattle and reporting what really* went on this week.

I know I said earlier that I wasn't flashing my knickers in a bid to get a patron, but you know, if you feel like you want to sponsor this particularly ugly publication, then I'm happy to come to some agreement with you. Skirt-lift.

I've also decided to call this issue II rather than issue I. My reasoning for that is because most people never make it past issue I and I'm therefore better than the majority of them. Sneaky, I know.

*really is used in an uncommon context - mainly because this is all horseshit.

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Crimes of Passion

It is rare in our walk of life that people can find true happiness.

With Christmas dead and gone, the excesses unfortunately still cling gamely on; like BrianRourke managed to do for so long when everyone thought it would be better if he just gave up, did everyone a favour and died, or something akin to what we do with that senile old grand(god?)father who you're always grateful to get a birthday card from, but a little more grateful for when he finally decides to fuck off the piss-smelling old bastard. Still, many of us have been left feeling the pinch of winter a little too keenly once our crimes have finally been done and we're forced to settle down to those lonely nights alone in the cold one bedroom apartment. Luckily that isn't so for everyone. I have a girlfriend. A real one. Not just one I linked to in my profile. Ner ner.

My own lies aside, Harry_Strauss went on Vacation with Paul Vidi this week and we were frankly happy to see it. We say that any true romance you manage to glean from our harsh reality is worth seizing and those two have been dancing an awkward dance for weeks. The tentative courting could only hinder fate for about as long as Tallien managed to be tolerated as Godfather before reality kicked in - a few clumsy minutes fumbling about blind in the dark before then being overcome by the inevitable reality of the situation. Harry slid his single suitcase into the back seat of Paul's Buick. Paul already had his lighter out waiting for the right moment, it was inevitable really when Harry took a few puffs and rolled down his window.

It is nice for the youngsters of today to find their soul mate, we asked Deimne if he remembered what it was like to be young, but he just wagged his newspaper at us, told us to get off his lawn and then retreated inside turned out the lights and poked his head through the curtains certain that we couldn't see him, all the while gently tapping his 'no solicitous visitors' sticker he'd taken from the neighbourhood watch. And people say life in the Jungle has changed him.

There may still be hope for our beloved yet estranged Godfather of New York though, after all, there were still noises coming from a private room in the back of the Most Interesting Casino in the World and it was late at night, or more precisely, early in the morning where Pedro Rourke, Joe "Hairy Baby" MacDonald, Apollonia Conti and David "The Ghost" Webb were gathered. What these noises were we can only speculate, although it was apparently a 'poker game'. So that's what kids are calling it these days. I certainly hope I get to have a poker game with my girlfriend tonight. Our congratulations to Messrs Vidi and Strauss, we eagerly anticipate our invitation to the wedding.

(For anyone interested in Harry_Strauss' actual vacation with Paul: http://mafiareturns.com/comm/thread/83424 and for anyone interested in PedroRourke's 'The Poker Room: Discussions & Speeches: http://mafiareturns.com/comm/thread/83394)

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Member Whoring - Whorish members

It seemed only fitting that member whoring and crimes of passion walked out hand in hand reminiscent of Mafia's great lovers in this debut publication; Marietta had ThomasRourke, BrianRouke had Aurora, Hades was owned by Persephone and Gaius had Premier. Being likened to such esteemed names can only further emphasise the importance of the recent statement made by Godfather Deimne. I know what you're thinking and we were surprised he left the house too, but frozen dinners for one don't buy themselves so I guess it was inevitable.

Still, between stocking up for the wars of the future with his multiple tins of beans and returning home, the Godfather graced us all with a magnificent speech that I was pleased to see. I'd recommend that you all read it, but to be honest this feature is going to tell you exactly what he said, in less words and even with some things that you may have wished he said. What could be better?

Steaming past that before you can begin the list, I should probably state at this point that I've got no issues with member whoring. Some members make great whores; Deimne unfortunately just had a bad experience. His own whore, Hoopi (previously referenced) just happens to be pretty rubbish at his job and thus denies the head of the Jungle the essentials that he needs to survive with his poor tributes as a result of his meagre earnings. At his age maintaining the temperature in the mid 100s isn't so easy and takes more greens than Iota sees in a year on his diet of 2 BKs an hour. Thus, Deimne has a hatred for whores. Psychiatrists would probably make some link to a problem in his childhood, but I would never suggest for a second that his mother was a whore. Not for a second.

Anyway 'whores for mother's aside, (sorry Evangeline) Deimne has highlighted some pretty important changes with this statement. He's done away with sending an invite without a request, sending a "want an invite" recruitment mail, blanket help mails that mask the true intentions of the sender and generally any and all sort of whorish behaviour. Lucky for Aurora that she's already passed away, else it could quite easily have been taken for a declaration of war.

Action had been coming for awhile as PoisonousJelly was quick to highlight. The main man in Los Angeles donned his mac and fedora to add 'I now hope that all those people out there that were saying "Why hasn't The Honoured Society done anything about this yet?" and things like "Can't believe the city heads haven't done anything about this yet." now realise that we have been for a very long time.' This came just before distracting everyone with his flashing eyes and flicking them the V's. Luckily we managed to capture the scene (http://www.mehwhatever.com/profile/pics/pjvs.png) as to why he was holding a bow even we are baffled.

It is unsure how the other cities will react to the front man of the Jelly Crime Syndicate's actions, but we're confident some light moustache play behind the scenes will keep the matter quiet and off the streets. Possibly to the point that most people won't have even noticed it. Ha hum.

The bottom line from all this is that whorish behaviour won't be tolerated. Shameful references to Godfather BoabyWanKenobi's drive for this outcome also won't be tolerated. Not that the last one is being harshly enforced, but they just make you look like a bit of a plumb. Not that I'm calling anyone a plumb.

(For anyone interested in Plumbne's actual speech on Member Whoring: http://mafiareturns.com/comm/thread/83426. I'd also recommend PlumbonousJelly's input)

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*Untitled* hits the streets - *Disinterested* Gwarble responds.

So we've seen another paper on the shelves and yet my own phone remains deathly silent. I've been assured that it does operate correctly, so I'm sure the requests for my services are just around the corner. Rather than melt into the depths of depression at my own continued lack of popularity, also known as the 'Iota - I'm really a Godfather don't forget me please, please, please, I'm still here honest' approach, I decided to be proactive and advertise my own talents with this disgraceful glossy rag.

To say that the Gwarble Barble and *Untitled* are in competition is to pretend that the lion is in competition with the gazelle. My own superior journalistic skills, with a healthy dose of arrogance (who names a publication after themselves?) all served up in a heavy irony and falsehood sauce, means that *Untitled*'s hamburger and stale chips with too much salt approach to reporting isn't even on our radar. Perhaps stale chips is the only possible use for *Untitled*, most fish and chips shops need something to wrap their orders in and I would happily recommend *Untitled* for the task.

They gave us a wonderful account of Anita's reign, side stepping the part when she had her meltdown, packed it all in and decided to move to the old country leaving an imposter in her wake. Camazotz passed comment on this+ and said "*Untitled*? What sort of turkey neck reads *Untitled*? When I want my news likened to food, which like all of you is 99% of the time, I'll read Gwarble's Barble. When I want it served up to a chump and there is no doubting the chump like chumpiness of *Untitled*, then I'll go to the chumps at *Untitled*. But if you aren't a chump, then you'll pass *Untitled* by." We couldn't agree more and Jesus++ actually said you would go to hell if you read it.

True story.+++

+ This comment was never passed.
++ Jesus was unavailable when questioned, we just had to wing what he would have said.
+++ Probably true, but not in this case.

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Obituaries:

I've decided that no publication of any sufficient calibre is complete without an obituaries section. In our walk of life people die and they will be honoured in this section. Unfortunately in our walk of life some people don't die and we wish they would have. They will also be honoured in this section.

People who have died

...can be found here: http://mafiareturns.com/news/obits.php.

Lazy bastards.

People we wish had died

Shitbrick (Shitbreak) - You reckon you're so flash with your two names, but you aren't impressing anyone. You may be Don and have plenty of protection but nobody likes you. We interviewed the entire userbase of MafiaReturns and nobody had a nice word to say about you, with most people feeling that your greed in having two names was selfish/borderline blasphemous. If we see you in the corridors in school we're going to push you into the walls. Try living that down. One name > Two names.

Jewish_Vidi - He should have stopped at Jewish_Jake. A finer name he could never have conjured and he revelled in our collective praise over the most glorious name ever chosen in the history of MafiaReturns - rightly so in our eyes. We hoped that he would have retired with grace when that noble beast was felled. Unfortunately his offspring returned and this makes us remember our pain all over again when the best name ever turned red.

SpaceMountain - We're Matterhorn folk.

Anyone to the left of me on the 60 second list - I'm pathetically located near the bottom. I need you to all start snuffing it.

Vitti - Nothing so humiliating as losing your slanties. This is exactly what happened to Vitti this week and he was understandably sore about the whole thing. The noble option would have been to take his own life and spare us the shame of having to watch him sulk around moping about being less than useless. He claimed not to be bothered "Not really bothered......only lost them as I told Mux I wasnt going to be on much towards them end of this week and I am going away this weekend ;)" but we saw the truth for what it was.

Sadly nobility is an alien concept to Vitti and he can be seen standing outside Mux's office scuffing his shoes, staring at the floor trying to win the sympathy vote back to stardom. Here's hoping that he fails.

shelly - Stupid name, lacking capitalisation with a stupid picture, a stupid face and supposed to have assisted with this and didn't. Waste of space I say.

If you have someone that you wish was dead, who isn't, feel free to submit their name and your reason for this feeling and I'll happily publish it in the next issue. Genuine reasons are encouraged as much as stupid ones.

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Lonely Hearts

I'm sure that having heard about the loved up nature of MafiaReturns, you're now disappointedly clutching to that old lady and hugging her to death rather than robbing her purse. That's fine, we get it and fully understand your disappointment. We've got a solution and that solution ladies and gentleman is personal ads.

Now, rather than ask you to submit personal ads of your own (although feel free to do so) the more lonely amongst you have had personal ads submitted on your behalf. Uncle Gwarble has your back covered like a favourite shirt.

WANTED:

Well protected romantic and misunderstood man, with a wealth of knowledge and experience seeking single females in New York City. Must enjoy high temperature household, references to the 'Jungle', street visits, being watched coupling by in excess of one hundred well built men sworn to protect me. Must dislike solicitous visits and nosey reporters.

P.S. I have lots of tins of beans.

Several people desperately sought my affection and wanted to be the "you" referenced in my picture. If you're interested they are available and named...

Torin - The first and thus most desperate applicant.

Matterhorn - Has fine acrostic skills.

Bleu - Struggles with spelling of colours but is French.

Evangeline - Tried to pretend she didn't want to be "you" but could rarely stop herself from applying.

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Other stories that I haven't made jokes about:

I don't have a vast team of reporters in my employ and I really only refer to this as "we" to promote my own importance. Therefore, we don't have the time (read: can't be bothered) to review every piece of literature that the fine folk of MafiaReturns produce. Hoopi contributes a bit as well, but to be honest it is mostly shit and you aren't missing anything. The rest though is condensed into this beautifully bite-sized chunk where I briefly summarise it, either because I didn't have the material to make it a full piece or I have some left over jokes that I hadn't been able to work in elsewhere.

The-Reaper announced that the Reaper Daily wasn't going to be coming daily anymore. Speaking of coming daily, I apologise, that was awful. But seriously, Reaper has done a wonderful job and my heart is heavier than Iota at him pulling production or at least scaling it back. They say you remember where you were when certain events happened and we can safely say that we remember that this wasn't one of them. We're looking forward to another inferior production returning to business just so it can fuel the fires of contempt that keep our own inferior production on the shelves. He did do more than one issue though, which makes him like the 4th best paper ever. Congratulations, The-Reaper, was it? I know his name. I'm being condescending.

Tugaone told us his story and we were disappointed to find that it wasn't the missing 'l' from his name and it wasn't a rated R production. It would certainly have made his claim as being one of 'the drops in the ocean' a completely different image. Masturbation jokes aside (only for this paragraph or we'd struggle to put the issue out) this is a rather touching attempt to motivate the lesser order of our world. Bless.

Speaking of blessings, you can count yours that you weren't double crossed like Montiego. That seamless introduction out of the way, we didn't see much double crossing but his father's boss's daughter slipped him some cookies and a gun. The saucy bitch.

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Something like a disclaimer:

If I've taken a pot shot at you in this, it is because I think you're big enough to handle a joke and may find it funny yourself. If I've thought wrongly and you aren't big enough to handle that, I'm a very expendable Earner usually found in Philly. RIP Gwarble.

So concludes issue II of my Barble. Go me.

Ah shit here come Drexl. I wonder what type of science and mad intellect he is going to drop on the streets today?

If you have someone that you wish was dead, who isn't, feel free to submit their name and your reason for this feeling and I'll happily publish it in the next issue. Genuine reasons are encouraged as much as stupid ones.

With all due respect to the both him and his position, I would have to say Dwight-Schrute. I have no ill-will towards the man, but I forsee problems between he and I down the road if Cosa Nostra ever sets up shop in the crime metropolitis of Succasunna, NJ as has been hinted at in both The Reaper Daily and on OOC Blvd. An untimely death for Mr. Schrute would prevent a nasty war for territory between he and I that I see as inevitable should the Gods someday allow This Thing Of Ours to conduct business in that thriving city of commerce.

Again, all due respect

I appreciated the part where you insulted SpaceMountain and championed my acrostic skills.

This is the finest newspaper anyone has ever written.

Slightly bruised ego? It's always slightly bruised, you can't walk down the middle of the street without clattering it off lamposts you big-headed beast. I'll have you know I get through 7 pairs of knickers each week. Granted, I just put all 7 on first thing on Monday morning and take the top pair off each day, but it's the thought that counts right? Pair 7 - or is it pair 1? - are in cracking shape come Sunday when they see real daylight and not just the sunshine you think shines out my arse. Seriously though, the man crush you have on me is pretty sweet. Aww. It's quite clear I'm the "you" you're after, but NO. No bromance here Gwarble.

Taking my seriousness to another level beyond the aforementioned "seriously though", this is a thoroughly entertaining publication and long may it continue, the quality is evident. Maybe an alternative look at the week's stories is just what the streets are crying out for in amongst the more 'vanilla' perspective of others. I reckon if you stick at it, you might just reach the level of *Untitled* one day, though probably not The NY Post/Sin City Sentinel. (Someone had to deflate his ego a bit, right?)

Excellent work, I look forward to Issue IV.

Bromance's are Legendary, Give in the the love Hoopi.

Give in.

Issue 1 was better.  The Reaper Daily was better.

On behalf of New York and Gwarble's Mom, GaryBusey apologises for this 'newspaper'.

Why did it start at Issue 2, and no offence intended I think this is more like a magazine than a newspaper.

No offence intended but if you had actually bothered to read it Tommy, you would know why it is Issue II as opposed to Issue I.

Lilly ponders at the obituary / people we wish had died section & wonders what a userbase of MafiaReturns is.....

She strokes her chin in confusion, folds the paper & slips it into the inside pocket of her overcoat to show Godmother Kates later.

Sitting at his window, slowly twitching his curtains, Deimne watches as a snot nosed paper boy drops off a first eidition of the latest rag to hit the streets. Little did Deimne know, this was actually the editor of the aforementioned rag blatently self promoting his unique style of journalism.

Glancing at the sun and worried about exposure to UV rays, Deimne decided to instead focus on making sure he could monitor his latest frozen dinner and avoid having to venture out in public. The idea of having to put pants on just didn't appeal to him.

Who knows, someone might stray onto his lawn and need a fine good paper wagging anytime now, he had to be prepared.

With utter horror Scipita threw the paper in the bin, what had started as the perfect opportunity had ended like waking up from well a bad dream.
When she had spotted the Tarzan needs Jane add she was tempted, just for second, to write this Jungle Man.

But...

Unfortunately he had lots of beans and well she already had a Magical Trevor...

Sacre bleu, this is the cool way to spell it.

For the record Gwarble couldn't contain his excitement when i "requested" (more like was forced to ask) to be put in that picture.

Use Frenchies we set trends......

Lucretia has a good laugh at the paper then thinks aloud about ScipitaRourke's denial of the Jungle Master and isn't sure what to make of it.

Well, you know that a wild man is going to show you places you'd never been before. But on the other hand, everyone loves Magical Trevor. The, er, tricks that he does are ever so, er, clever. I guess I can't blame a gal opting for the Magic Man.

Scipita can't help but to overhear the Godtucker's words

Hmhm you do have an excellent point, wild man... new places.. Magical Trevor is quite a rinse and repeat thing in all fairness.

Scipita's voice lowers to silence, It's clear she's reconsidering.

PlumbonousJelly awoke today to find a new paper on his doorstep. Looking up he notices the delivery 'boy' walking away as urine runs down the 'boys' legs. As the 'boy' walks away he PlumbonousJelly notices 'him' pulls 'his' knickers out of 'his' arse and see's that 'his' name is stitched into 'his' underwear. It read Garble

Holy crap! Long time since i've seen a tabloid around these parts! I must give it a read, perfect timing too! Need the toilet!

While thinking to himself he enters the bathroom, pulls down his pants and sits on the toilet. Reaching for the toilet paper he let's off a huge sigh.

Fuck sake. Nothing worse than doing the business to find you have no toilet paper.

Looking down in his hands and realizing what he was holding he smiles. Does he read it or does he use it? After a few minutes it was needless to say that the toilet paper lost and is now lining the walls of the sewers beneath his street.

Gwarble Barble had better step up its reporting game, or the Reaper Daily, which only hits the streets a few times a week now, will be the dominate paper on the streets.

Very entertaining, Gwarble. The ladies still find my ride more fulfilling than Matterhorn. He has this problem with peaking too early.

I love this paper. A little too long and I missed out on robbing the post office because of it but besides that, very good.

Who has tins of beans? I'm not well protected but I love my beans!

NICE PIECE

Some people are saying that Gwarble Barble is the best things to hit these streets in a long time. These people were probably lying, however I did enjoy this read.

I particularly enjoyed the member whoring article. It was astonishingly accurate, and i'm glad you were able to pinpoint everyone so accurately. Especially that Hoopi dude and that Aurora broad.

However, i'd like to see a more in depth article about the ongoing battle between the two epic rides; Matterhorn and SpaceMountain. My question went unanswered by both of them as to who could protect someone from the Abominable Snowman better. Please, dig deeper into this for us, Gwarble. The masses are waiting.

Finally, i'd like to clarify being the 'you' in reference to your fine picture displayed. I'm afraid you were misunderstanding my 'shutup' response as something more. I'm terribly sorry I had to clear this up in public, as i'm sure you'll be needing a tissue to stop the massive tears flowing. I'm sure someone will be there to console you though.