Letter from the editor: Here at the Mafia Institute for Shoddily Half-baked, Malformed and Utterly Asinine Scientific Hunches (MISH-MASH), we take our science seriously. Sadly, this respect for the power of accurate information means that when we get things wrong, we actually have to acknowledge the fact.

Enter the editor of "The New England Journal of Organized Crime Dynamics" (Vito_T) among others, who, through calculations that we here at MISH-MASH still don't understand (at all), proved our last statistical analysis of death rates to be a bit lacking in substance.

However, never perturbed by a bad peer review or two we have decided to bring you another (more factual) article which, we are pleased to reveal, is a report into the discovery of a brand new element - uncovered by our very own MISH-MASH Chicago science lab.





Introducing - CLAUSE-ONIUM






Title: On the discovery of the new element "Clause-onium" (atomic number 94)


Abstract: Researchers at the MISH-MASH Chicago lab were assigned the task of understanding exactly why Godfather Iota is so heinously overweight. The working theory was that the sheer number of burgers and other fast-food products consumed by the well respected Mafiosa per hour amounted to a build up of vast quantities of fat.

Our research however has proven that this is in fact not the case and that Godfather Iota is instead made up of only 2.7% fast food products, with the other 97.3% of his vast body mass being made up of solid Clause-onium, a previously unknown element with the atomic number 94.


Our Research: As MISH-MASH is an independent purveyor of science, no authorisation was ever seeked nor granted for this study to take place. Obviously as well, with the glory of publishing results first being the main prize of scientific journals, secrecy in conducting this examination was paramount.

Thus it was that a highly skilled team of MISH-MASH special agents distracted Godfather Iota with large posters of chicken nuggets, whilst our super agent snuck up behind him and craftily stole a sample of his bountiful flesh for analysis.

Once the sample was back in the lab, we noticed that oddly, the team who had come in contact with the sample had all become ill with what looked like radiation poisoning. Taking every precaution, our researches donned their HAZ-MAT suits and took to examining the specimen.
As it turned out, the piece of Iota that our team had extracted was greyish in colour, similar to Uranium in properties and highly radioactive with a halflife of between 24,100 and 80 million years depending on isotope.

We found that the sample of our esteemed Godfather reacted with carbon, halogens, nitrogen and also silicon. Most tellingly however, when exposed to moist air, we found that it formed oxides and hydrides that astonishingly expanded the sample up to 70% in volume. Not only this, but the density of the substance actually increased when melted by some 2.5%. This is in line with what we already knew about Iota's physical properties.

Glenn T. Seaborg and Edwin McMillan (the slow witted technicians in lab 4) opined that potentially the "nuclei of [Clause-onium] atoms could break apart by being bombarded by slow moving thermal neutrons, releasing energy, gamma radiation and more neutrons. It could therefore sustain a nuclear chain reaction, leading to applications in futuristic things like nuclear weapons and nuclear reactors." But we told them to stop being so f@$#ing ridiculous and to get back to staring out the window before we fired them both.


Conclusions: Having assessed all the evidence, it is plain to our researchers that what we have here is a new, extremely heavy element, previously unknown to science, which makes up some 97.3% of Godfather Iota's extraordinary weight. Furthermore, Iota's vast size can be attributed to the relatively moist air of Chicago, which actually swells his waistline some 70%. It is theorized that were Godfather Iota to visit, say, the Sahara for instance, he may well shrink in size to merely Morbidly Obese proportions.
We also note that as Godfather Iota is evidently extremely radioactive, it is best that Joe public avoids the big man at all costs, lest they get acute radiation syndrome and start feeling nauseous and take to vomiting.


Extra Note: It should be noted that in preliminary lab tests, Clause-onium could be artificially manufactured by the deuteron bombardment of Uranium, meaning that potentially Godfather Iota could one day actually be cloned.

Science definetely wasn't Erratic's strongest subject, as his school results would suggest. Slightly confused but pretty sure he knew what this all meant, Erratic was't too surprised what the results were showing. The sheer size of Iota was incredible and Erratic always knew there was more to it and a scientific explanation was definetely needed. At least now we have answers.

Congratulations to you and your research team Fredio, i just have a few questions.

Godfather Iota is instead made up of only 2.7% fast food products

What effect do you think this will this have on his eating habits, if any? Can we still expect the greedy pig to clear out Burger King every day? Afterall 2.7% is a very low amount and i am sure he will want to improve on that. Burger King, keep those burgers coming...

it is best that Joe public avoids the big man at all costs, lest they get acute radiation syndrome and start feeling nauseous and take to vomiting.

It is well documented that because of his gross eating habits, he barely has any friends as it is. However, now that he is also radioactive as well as disgusting, is it likely that his last few friends will also abandon him?

Lastly...

meaning that potentially Godfather Iota could one day actually be cloned

On behalf of our entire community i kindly ask that this practice is NEVER carried out. One Iota is bad enough, please don't put us through the pain of having to lookat another one.

Thanks.

The fission energy of 1kg of Clausonium (Given the atomic number 94) would be 83.61 TJ.   As a frame of reference, if some time in the future we decide to drop an atomic bomb on Hiroshima, the energy released would be around 6 TJ.

Since Iota's mass is not listed, I'll do my best to calculate it:

He looks as if he weighs about 200 kgs, but we know this is not the case, as he is much more dense.  If he were a normal human, his density would be about 1 gram/cubic centimeter.  This gives him a volume of 200 liters or 200,000 cc.  At a density of 19.8 grams/cc that puts Iota's weight at a whopping 3960 kgs!  That's 8730 lbs!

I've calculated his weight to show you the dangers of cloning him by fission.  The energy produced by 3960 kg of Clausonium undergoing fission is around 331095 Terajoules.

That's an equivalent energy release of about 80 million tons of TNT or about 13,333 of those Hiroshima bombs I was speaking about earlier.

If you decide to clone Iota, please warn me so I can be clear of that half of the continent.

I'm on Vito_T's team for Trivial Pursuit.

If you decide to clone Iota, please warn me so I can be clear of that half of the continent.

I don't see this being a major issue, seeing as that's the approximate volume that would be required to safely home (including the required food rations) two Clausi... or Clauseseses, or 'them'.

Seeing as how it would take far too much brain power to come up with a witty reply to any of this, I think I'll just take a couple of aspirin, go lay down for a while, and cry because there are people around here who are clearly smarter than me. 

At least I still have my looks.  And my charm.  And the knowledge that I hate science. 

Hmm , I have a question. Along with the massive explosion that would obviously come from cloning godfather iota. What effect would having two creatures of this size have on the food supply in my hometown of Chicago as well as around the country?

You might want to check out shelly as a follow up to this. He/she/it is about as dense as they come.

I would suggest any cloning process to be carried out as far as possible from any densely populated areas and my initial thought would be the moon,it may take the weight of two or three football teams to contain and eventually bolt shut the shuttle payload doors,and clearing the earth`s atmosphere may take longer than usual due to the constant change in the centre of gravity of the spacecraft during any digestive cycle,and as far as I`m aware,method statements and risk assessments are not required on the moon.

"Along with the massive explosion that would obviously come from cloning
godfather iota. What effect would having two creatures of this size
have on the food supply in my hometown of Chicago as well as around the
country?"

A very good question.  We're supposed to consume about 15 calories/lb/day.  Since Iota weighs an estimated 8730 lbs, he needs to consume 70,000 calories daily to maintain that weight.  His twin would have similar caloric needs, so lets just say it's 140k between the two of them.

I find it easier to think of things in perspective.  After all, what the hell is 140,000 calories a day?  Well, a family of four can live off one acre of potatoes for a year.*  The two Iotas would eat an acre of potatoes in 17 days.  They could clear 22 acres of farmland a year.  It may seem like a lot, but it's really just like feeding 70 people.

Fear not, supporting Iota and his atomic clone wouldn't starve the populace.

*1 acre of potatoes yields 153 bushels @ 54lbs/bushel.  1 medium potato weighs .33 lbs and has 100 calories

We here at MISH-MASH would like to thank everyone for their contributions to this ground-breaking field of research and would like to address some of the more pressing concerns that the general populous might have.

Firstly

What effect do you think this will this have on his eating habits, if any? Can we still expect the greedy pig to clear out Burger King every day? Afterall 2.7% is a very low amount and i am sure he will want to improve on that.

Whilst The Scientific Mafiosa accepts that 2.7% may seem like a very little amount indeed, do not make the mistake of forgetting that what we are discussing here is 2.7% of Iota's gigantic body mass. Therefore 2.7% in this instance is still roughly equivalent to the entire output from any single branch of Burger King. Here at MISH-MASH we anticipate no change to Godfather Iota's regular diet.

Moving on

To address the concerns of the community regarding the use of an Iota clone as fuel for some sort of hypothetical atomic bomb, we would need to create some way of refining Clauseonium into a weapons grade Clauseonium isotope, (most likely isotope 239 as initial estimates suggest that isotope 240 would be too unstable). Such a method does not exist currently and would require the funding powers of government to yield any meaningful results.

Lastly,

As scientists we feel the need to point out that while (as Vito_T has excellently pointed out) the costs of feeding a second manifestation of Godfather Iota would not be prohibitively high, the fallout from any failed cloning experiment on Iota could result in such an explosion as to wipe out at least two thirds of the worlds arable farmland, as well as the complete obliteration of the worlds core infrastructure, resulting in the near-extinction of the human race.

It is for this reason that we here at MISH-MASH think that if any government funding does become available for either the cloning of Iota or indeed the refining of isotope 239, it should probably be channelled in Vito_T's direction, as he seems to know more than we do.