Anybody who gives a damn tunes in to 69.9 FM

Live from a storage Closet in Downtown, LA It's the LA Hour!

Burnett: "Good afternoon, everyone! I'm Burnett, and I will shortly be joined by this asshole FatherMacklePenny, who's probably gluing on his toupee at the moment. Anyways, welcome to The LA Hour, where the fun will never stop and the money will be won! We'll get out to the streets and talk to those in power, and maybe even try to find FatherMacklePenny's long lost sheep of a mother. But most importantly we will bring you the news that YOU WANT TO HEAR!"

FatherMacklePenny: Hearing the show go live, he hurries to slap on his hair and run back to his seat. His foot catches on a sloppy stack of porno Burnett's porno mags, sending him crashing into his chair. "Uh hum. Yes ladies and gentlemen! From across the globe, we bring you The LA Hour. Whatever Burnett has said to you was a lie, I assure you. Now on to the order of business. This is our first broadcast to our wonderful viewers from LA to New York! Where I hear a colony of rats have set up a camp and are soon to be taking over the world..." The radio speakers crackle with a ruffling sound as Mack clears his throat. 

"So apparently that was some half-cocked idea that Burnett came up with and is completely false. The whole taking of the world by rats. Though there are some large fuckers out there! Burnett, why don't you give these fine folks a little taste of what they have ahead of them."

Burnett: "Here's your five day forecast folks! Durdens, Durdens, and even more Durdens. I can't stand that Durden guy! Every week he shows up and says he's gonna kill us all and burn the city and every week he always gets defeated and runs away. Tyler Durden, I tell ya—he's one crazy motherfucker. I hear he's from Delaware City."

FatherMacklePenny: "Where the fuck is that? Canada?"

Burnett: "Delaware you idiot. Tyler's a crazy man, but he has about 3000 men loyal to him. Either he's doing something right or all 3000 of them are related to Mack."

FatherMacklePenny: "They aren't as dumb as me you fuck. In fact I managed to catch one of the Durden cronies! He is tied up right here in the studio."

Durden: "Fuck you motherfuckers! You need to let me go so I can fulfill Project Mayhem's mission!"

The Durden goon slumps toward the mic, nearly knocking it over. He starts rambling about the Mona Lisa before FatherMacklepenny beats him with his bat.

You can hear a loud crack and the buzz of the radio as the show goes dead for a minute. It pops back on with Mack's out-of-breath voice.

FatherMacklePenny: "Sorry listeners, we had, uh, technical difficulties and needed to mop things up. I assure you though, this Durden scrub won't be giving us any more problems tonight. Isn't that right Burnett?"

Burnett: "That's right! Hey, listen folks, we would like to inform our listeners that we are running a story telling contest. It's pretty dangerous out there right now with all these Durdens running around, so please send us in your stories. Here are the rules!"

The microphone screeches as Burnett taps it and clears his throat. 

"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. EVEN TURKEYBEAR'S CREW. Today, we bring you a competition of sorts. It's as short as Mack's endurance in bed. Shorter than my di—uh pinky toe! We bring you the first STORYTELLING contest of our radio show. Here are the guidelines and stipulations."

1. The story must be completely original and never seen before. No pulling up old journal entries.

2. It has to contain the names of Syn, Liftoff, and 21Savage. 

3. It can be a story from the future or a story from the past! 

4. The story may only be FIVE I repeat FIVE paragraphs long. 

Each story will be reviewed by a panel of three judges. From this start date:8/21/2016 to this end date:8/24/2016 will all stories be submitted. 

First Prize: One credit and 400k!

Second prize: 250k!

Third prize: 100kk and a date with Burnett."

FatherMacklePenny: "Wait, a date with Burnett? Thought it was supposed to be a prize. What about me! I haven't been doing too hot since that redhead walked out of my life. Hell, she even stole my car. What's a guy got to do to meet a woman around here?"

Burnett: "Well you could start by getting some real hair!" Burnett's laughter barks over the air until it's cut off by a loud thud and Burnett's voice yelling several colorful words. After a moment, Burnett mutters a final "Fuck you," before clearing his throat. "Yeah. Well, you can always hear what this beautiful woman has to say for you..."

A beautiful redhead saunters in. Mack's mouth drops and his face turns scarlet as he realizes just who she is. He almost gets up and walks out of the room until she kisses Burnett on the cheek and smirks at him. A soft jazz tune sparks to life as she leans into the microphone to speak. 

"Are you looking for some fun tonight? Mmmm....Come on down to Telkins Gentlemen's club and give me some company. Located on 1234 Sunset Blvd, in Downtown LA. Live music,with beautiful women to immerse yourself in. Where I'll keep the whisky cool for your enjoyment. Visit the finest Gentleman's club LA has to offer.

The redhead winks at Mack, whose hands are balled up into fists and shaking towards Burnett, who could only smile widely as the temptress walks out of the studio. 

FatherMacklePenny: "Sorry everybody for that slight delay. If you are interested in this competition, anyone can enter. We expect to see participation from all around! Just remember, you need to enter it by those dates or you won't qualify. If you don't qualify, how are you going to get free cash and credits?!" 

Burnett: "That's right. If it wasn't for that old lady you robbed the other day you wouldn't even have enough money for your lunch. Speaking of lunch. You know what is a problem though? There's this lady thinks that she's a Unicorn or something. She's causing all sorts of trouble here in LA. Let me tell you about this woman. I was taking a stroll through a park on my way home the usual route and then BAM! She jumps out of the woods and steals my lunch money."

FatherMacklePenny: "No shit? I stopped by the gas station on my way to the studio today, minding my own business, and  I turn around to see her sucking the gas out of my car! Before I can say anything she fucking vanished. Leaving glitter everywhere."

Burnett:" You know what? I had fucking glitter all on my suit when she ran off. I swear she needs to go back to the petting zoo or something."

FatherMacklePenny: "Hmm...or we could just capture her and take her horn? Sell it as some type of muscle relaxer, or some magical ointment that all of the idiot... Uhm, I mean the wonderful patrons of the US would buy to fix the plague of herpes that is running around infecting everyone. You seen that fucking huge cyst on Praefect?The fucking thing needs to be taken care of. I heard Mr Bollocof has a great medical practice. I know because I had to get my own cyst removed!"

Burnett: "I think it's spreading too and contagious. Don't tell anybody, but I hear that Chris_Vaughn has one that's ten times worse. He can't even walk his wife's poodles anymore unless he wants people pointing and laughing at him. Yeah, don't tell Chris I said this. He'll get fucking livid and you don't want a mad Chris_Vaughn coming after you."

The phones start ringing at the studio and Burnett answers it.

Burnett: "Excuse me a minute—I have to take this."

The voice on the phone buzzes angrily, and Burnett mops his forehead as he returns to the mic.

Burnett: "My dear listeners, I may have made a mistake. Sorry about that, it turns out that it was, in fact, Martii who has a huge cyst. Again I deeply apologize for my mistake. Also, Caitlin honey, lock your doors and don't open them until I come home. The, uh, shotgun is under the bed with plenty of shells just in case."

FatherMacklePenny: "Well, it seems that Burnett is having a bit of an issue, so let's call Telkin and interview him on this fine day."

Mack dials the phone as he snorts a line of cocaine, enjoying the powder flowing through his bloodstream. He hears the phone get picked up by his boss. 

Telkin's clearing of the throat can be heard and Mack gives him a warm greeting

FatherMacklePenny: "So as I asked you the other day, I got some questions to ask about us and the business that you have run for quite some time. It shouldn't take too long so you'll be back to counting your cash before you know it."

FatherMacklePenny: "As a new associate to the organization, what exactly is The Cuckoo's Nest all about? Is it a asylum for those of the mentally insane caliber, or is it just a catchy name?"

-Telkin-: The Cuckoo's Nest is about tradition. Keeping it, and bringing older ones back. Here you can expect an interactive experience, as well as a learning one. We don't care if your bloodline's as old as HelpDesk's, or as young as a newborn. Respect the rank is something I expect people to fully understand here, as well. Getting your Made button here quite frankly is going to be a cunt, but for those who've earned it...They know damn well it's deserved. As for the name.... Telkin chuckles.  It's both. Most of here are a bit mental, and that's perfectly alright. It also somewhat alludes to some other things, but we won't go there.

FatherMacklePenny: "Mental huh? I guess I came to the right place! Mack laughs maniacally  Hahahahaha. So my second question is, I haven't been able to make it to your club recently. Due to...staying low from my ex wife. But who might be your favorite dancer and how much does she run for a, uh, private show?"

-Telkin-: "Ah, probably a good call then yes? Violence of any sort isn't tolerated at the club, so if she came in swinging...she'd leave being carried by my security experts, for sure. As to the dancers... I must say that Destini (with an i!) is my favorite. And if you have to ask, you can't afford her!" -Telkin- lets out a hearty laugh as he waits for Macks final question.

FatherMacklePenny: "Well I will make sure that she doesn't follow me next time. And Destini sounds quite the upper class woman.. Finally in regards to your service. I heard there was a slow up on the liquor sells. Is there a problem with the supply?"

-Telkin-: "Yes, unfortunately... Due to some...business issues, the alcohol supply has slowed down to almost non-existent. Hence why I haven't been to the Club lately, I am trying to get that handled as soon as possible. Once that happens, the Club will be in full swing once again! Just need to make some arrangements with one RobOakHeart."

FatherMacklePenny: "Well sir, I believe that's all we have for now. We will be sure to touch base in our later episodes. To see if the liquor drought has been quenched with a influx of Chicago based liquor. I'll see ya at the HQ later on where I got a package to drop off."

FatherMacklePenny sets the phone down with a click and looks over to Burnett. 

FatherMacklePenny: "Well I think that went well don't you? Better than what your expecting with Mr. Vaughn?" Mack laughs loudly hooting and hollering at the predicament his friend has put himself in. 

Burnett: "Oh shut up I'm not afraid of nothin." Burnett's hands can hardly hold his cigarette as he tries to bring it to his lips. When he looks out the window, he sees a pack of goons waiting for him and drops the cig.

Burnett: "Umm would you mind giving me a ride home? My, um, c-car is broken."

FatherMacklePenny: "What are you talking about? That car is brand new you just bought it yesterday."

When the men outside aren't looking, Burnett opens the window and lobs a piece of expensive radio equipment through it. With a spectacular crash, it sails through the windshield of Burnett's car. 

Burnett: "Well, it's broken now."

FatherMacklePenny watches in humor of his friends actions. Shaking his head he resumes the radio show.

FatherMacklePenny: "Well, ladies and gentlemen, I think this is the ending of our show, I have to give Burnett a ride home because some huge fucking rock fell on it. Or yeah something like that...Burnett, want to give them a farewell?"

Burnett: "Yes folks, that's our show! It's been an honor everyone. If I don't make it back and you don't find my body, I want to let you know that I want nothing in my will to go to FatherMacklePenny. Not my fancy boat or my fancy house by the beach. That's right—it's motivation for ya to keep me alive and give me that ride home. Thank you again folks, this has been The LA Hour!"

The LA hour is written by FatherMacklePenny and Burnett. Our editor is Victoria. 

If you wish to have your business advertised in our radio show, feel free to message myself or Burnett and we can negotiate the costs. Feel free to call in and give us your opinions!

Shock. GreenBean is in utter shock. 

Capo harry! I need you to take this message to FatherMacklePenny at once! Do not delay and do not read it! 

He scribbles on a piece of paper and folds it in half....

"FatherMacklePenny, you did not interview Godfather Toby or Godfather BobbyZ. Did you even invite them to attend the show? See me at once."

An FBN officer arrives to hand Burnett and FatherMacklePenny a letter.

Unicorn _________

1234 Magic Lane __

Pasadena, CA 91101 

State Bar No: 57388

(323) 132-3421

SUPERIOR COURT OF THE STATE OF CALIFORNIA

COUNTY OF LOS ANGELES

Plaintiff complains and for causes of action alleges as follows:

1. Plaintiff is an individual and a magical and is now, and at all times a unicorn and human since she is magical.
mentioned in this complaint was, a resident of Los Angeles  County, California. 

Plaintiff alleged slander by the defendant(s) through a public Los Angeles radios show program, "LA Hour" tuned in at 69.9 FM. Evidence of slander are to include:

1) False accusations of pick pocketing towards the defendant 

2) Gas siphoning defendants vehicle.

3) Glitter stains towards defendent(s)

Because of defendants' malice in
publishing, plaintiff seeks punitive damages in 
total amount of $2,000,000 or, if the action is brought in superior
court, a total amount to be $5,000,000

WHEREFORE, plaintiff demands judgment against defendants,
and each of them, for:

1. Compensatory damages according to proof;

2. Punitive damages;

3. Interest as allowed by law;

4. Costs of suit; and

5. Such other and further relief as this court may deem
just and proper.

VERIFICATION

I, Unicorn am the Plaintiff in the above-entitled action. I have read the foregoing and know the contents thereof. The same is true of my own knowledge, except as to those matters which are therein alleged on information and belief, and as to those matters, I believe it to be true.

I declare under penalty of perjury that the foregoing is true and correct and that this declaration was executed at Los Angekes ,California.

FatherMacklePenny reads a letter that was sent in by Unicorn and literally spits out his liquor. He rips the letter up and laughs full heartedly. Knowing full and well that he doesn't abide by the law and the fact that unicorn would contact a lawyer and go through a judge was breaking the way of Omerta. He continues about his paperwork when he gets a call from Green bean. After hearing his words he chuckles and replies

"They will be in other shows most likely. As long as they're not too busy enjoying their summer homes and that expensive caviar that I got them. Hold tight and we will have them on the show in the future! Don't forget to write us a short story so you can be a possible winner of some decent money!"

Telkin had been having a slow morning, so he decided to visit one of his Associates at their apartment for some coffee and cocaine. They stood around shooting the shit for a while, when they were interrupted by a knock at the door. An official looking gentleman handed Mack a letter, and turned without a word. Standing over FatherMacklePenny's shoulder as he read the note dropped off via...an FBN Agent of all people, Telkin shook his head slightly. Moments later, Mack ripped up the note and threw it to the floor.

"The fuck was that all about?" Telkin inquired, with a slight smirk at the corner of his mouth.

"Nothing...nothing at all." Mack replied, rolling his eyes.

Telkin nodded, he'd only gotten to glimpse the note but it had contained something about a lawsuit against his Associate FMP. He chuckled to himself, knowing that it would never hold up in a court of law, or ever even make it to one. There were always better ways to settle things than the law.

"If you say so Mack."

A few silent moments had passed as the men sipped on their coffee. Out of nowhere the shrill sound of Mack's phone broke the peaceful quiet. Hearing Mack mention the caviar he'd recently purchased for Toby and BobbyZ, Telkin's ears perked up.

"Someone asking about Toby or Bobby?"

Mack informed him, and Telkin nodded.

"I agree, you guys should definitely try to get one or both of them involved with the next one!"

Telkin glanced at his watch and realized he still had an enormous amount of things to do. Busting out a couple more lines for himself and FatherMacklePenny, Telkin checked his nose in the mirror next to Mack's door before heading back out to continue his day.

You hear a crackling of the radio as the station emits its frequency to your listening ears. Mack clears his throat for the masses of persons listening in. 

FatherMacklePenny: "Ladies and gentleman! I am here today to inform you of the time changes for the short story contest. Instead of the stories being submitted to me on Wednesday, I have added more time and given you till Friday. Along with that, I am also raising the prizes !!"

First Prize: One credit and One Million Dollars!!

Second prize:Five hundred thousand dollars!!

Third prize: Two hundred and fifty thousand dollars and a date with Burnett."

 FatherMacklePenny: "So tell your brother, tell your sister, tell your auntie and your uncle to get in on this simple competition at a chance to win a million dollars!" 

Telkin had been sitting in his office going through his usual morning routine when there was a loud knocking at his door. It clearly had to be one of the people from his Family, or Ras and Ubu would have turned them away already. Nobody got into the office without an appointment, provided they weren't an Associate or Member of The Cuckoos Nest.

"Come in..."

Telkin grunted, not bothering to take his eyes off of the never ending paperwork. His eyes were red and dry, looking a little sunken into his face. With having so much to do, Telkin had not been sleeping well as of late. Most of his energy came from...thump.

Telkin looked up from his paperwork to see FatherMacklePenny standing across from him, having just dropped a considerable sized bag of what looked like cocaine on his desk. Telkin tilted his head, and raised a questioning eyebrow.

"Just thought I'd drop this off boss, found it in a car that I busted into last night. Hell, before the other day I didn't even know you were into the stuff!"

FatherMacklePenny stated, practically rolling on the balls of his feet. Shit, may as well Telkin thought, it's where most of his energy had been coming from as of late anyway... Pulling a blade out from his pocket, Telkin cut open the bag and snorted a line off the edge of his blade. Closing his eyes and feeling the energy course through him, Telkin sighed happily. Wiping off his blade and looking back to Mack, he laughed.

"Man's gotta his energy from somewhere! Regardless, that's a real nice score. I was thinking, Mack, hows about you sell me this here bag? I know you probably intended on consuming most of it, but I'll give you a million bucks. I don't feel like leaving my office for the next few days, and I don't really want the word out there that I'm buying this much cocaine anyway."

Mack nodded, with a smile on his face, not noticing the small amount of blood leaking from his nose. Telkin pointed to the mans face with a slight frown,

"Man... Get yourself cleaned up, you're bleeding. I'll have Ras or Ubu deliver the money later this afternoon."

A few hours later.....

Telkin had managed to clean his office, and make his way through a large portion of the paperwork on his desk. Just as he had been about to pull his knife out for some more 'candy', the soft static that had been emitting from his radio turned into words. Telkin chuckled, he hadn't even remembered the radio was on.

He grinned as he heard the announcement from Mack - clearly the man had his head on right. Instead of using the million Telkin had sent him on hookers and booze, he decided to invest it into furthering his radio show. Hopefully the extra money would kick up some stories from his audience, Telkin thought to himself before turning his attention back to 'work'.

It was about 7am and Jeff was driving two of his kids to school with his wife. They had already been on the road for about five minutes now and the whole time he had been flicking between the stations trying to find something worth listening to when he finally came across 69.9FM. One of the voices sounded awfully familiar, and then he was hit with a flashback of one drunken bender at -Telkin's Gentleman Club in LA with FatherMacklePenny, PeteyPablo, Victoria, and another half dozen other folks from The Cuckoo's Nest. Mack had been ranting on about how excited he was to be starting his very own Radio Show..

This must be it Jeff thought to himself, so he not only left it on the station but turned it up a tad as well. It was loud enough now that his kids in the back tuned in and shut up for the first time since they got in the car. Mack & Burnett went on talking and within seconds Jeff had been laughing so hard he put himself into a coughing fit. Even his kids were doing the same, minus the coughing. Wasn't more than a minute into it though that Jeff started feeling a burning glare from his wife and he knew it was because of how vulgar the radio show was. He released a sigh before going back to flicking through the channels..