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Our furry feline friend fidgeted in its headquarters. The titleholder, who fancied herself master, just left to run errands, giving the real boss of the place an opportunity to give up the charade for a bit. lolcat spread out on the floor and lapped at the milk its "boss" had left it, just as it had commanded with fierce mews and furniture scratchings. lolcat's official business of extorting milk and cookies from New York Don ScreamingButterfly was going well. A cute, cuddly, "innocent" little kitten always knew what buttons to press to get its way, after all. If wanton furniture destruction didn't work, there was always the secret weapon. Kitty would walk up to master as if to say: ohai der im kewt Nothing could stop a kitten in cute-mode. Not even basement cat could resist the charm.
This convenient business arrangement was not the full story, however. Just as every mobster needed a convenient cover story, so did a feline fast talker. After drinking its fill, our cuddly protagonist knew it was only a matter of time until "the Don" returned. It was time to work. Kitty dressed and got its game on, then rolled out. The street walkers were at their normal corner, shouting down passing cars and occasionally flashing their wares. Pimp Daddy Cat stepped out of its car and went straight to work.
i kin haz mah muniez!
The women grumbled amongst themselves. Pimp daddy cat was not amused. The girls were saying that they didn't have the money right now, that they hadn't turned any tricks recently and wouldn't be able to get the money to little old kitty until later in the week. Our feline avenger wasted no time in setting things straight.
no i wants it naow! Srsly u dun want 2 mak meh angry, u wouldnt liek me when im angry!
But lolcat, we don't have any money for you right now. Times are slow, and the economy is hurting. Can't you cut us some slack? We're doing our best for you, baby!
shuddup wiminz! The kitty was getting angry at this point. It gestured at the women and fumed. Why did they always try this at the end of the month? All the cat wanted was to get his money and head back home like usual, but the gals insisted on making it difficult for him in an entirely too predictable pattern. Very well, if it had to go down like this, it had to go down like this.
WHAM! lolcat went ninja on one of the women, catching her totally off guard. It hardly ever took more than that to coax the stingy floozies to pay up. It never ceased to amaze the fur ball how quickly the women caved, and how rehearsed their response was once the gloves came off. Very well, kitty cat would go through the motions again for them, and hopefully it would be the last time for a month. Again. u gives me mah muniez now!
Eeek! Okay, okay!
Dats wat i thawt!
The day was saved. Our esteemed, pimptastic cat had managed to secure the payment he was due in full, and with only minor injuries. The kitten hopped back into its car and drove back to the headquarters to celebrate another success. And what does a big pimpin kitten do to celebrate great success? Why, this little kitty "bumped" the radio and started some hip modern music playing.
awh yah, put yer pawz in de ayr if youz a playa kitteh!
And with that, our feline avenger scurried up the mantle and enjoyed the tunes while lazing in the warmth atop the fireplace. His "master" would be home soon, and wouldn't suspect a thing about the insidious day job such a cute little animal. Pimping ain't easy if you're a lolcat, but this kitty sure made it look good. |
