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You turn the dial on the radio, listening to the cut off sounds of music and commentary, searching for your favorite station. There it is, at 690AM, the Mafia Broadcasting Company, MBC. You adjust the antenna to get the best reception, then you sit back and relax...
Announcer: Do you smoke a long cigarette? Then you should smoke Fatima, the long cigarette that's double its smokers over the last year. That's right. Once you smoke a Fatima, you won't want to stop. Fatima, with its smooth blend of Turkish and American tobaccos, is the finest long cigarette on the market. We think you'll agree with our smokers who all say, "We're hooked on Fatima."
Announcer: The Mafia Broadcasting Company is proud to present "I Was A G-Man for the Mob!"
Ominous music
Announcer:That's right, "I Was a G-Man for the Mob," the real life escapades of John Scarpetta, who, for seven years, was undercover in the FBI, as an agent for the mob! What's up for tonight's true story, John?
John:Tonight, I'll tell you about the time I had to convince my uncle to play dumb, to save his life.
More ominous music
Announcer: We'll return in just a moment with tonight's tale. But first, gentlemen, take a look at your shirt. How white is your shirt? Not as white as it used to be, I'll wager. Wives, you want your husbands to look their best on the job. Why use a detergent that dulls whites? Use new Fuggedaboudit Laundry Detergent. Fuggedaboudit not only keeps your whites whiter, it removes all sorts of stains. Blood, grass, dirt, blood, wine, juice, or even blood stains don't stand a chance against Fuggedaboudit. How white are your whites now? Fuggedaboudit! And now, tonight's episode.
John: The FBI is a twisted, sick organization that exists only to crush your way of life. I should know. I spent seven long years working in the FBI and reporting back to my superiors in the mob. If there ever was an enemy of freedom, it is the FBI. This particular incident occurred one winter, around Christmas. It started in a meeting room...
Agent Howard: Ok, men, we're going after a big shot mobster in Las Vegas. His name is Vittorio Escampi. He's 85 years old, in a wheelchair, and the head of the Vegas Syndicate. This old man is responsible for more deaths than the black plague. Make no mistake gentlemen, this one is a tough old bird. He's not going down without a fight.
John: What do we have on them, Agent Howard?
Agent Howard: Nothing at all. Thank God that's not important. Last I checked, there wasn't a law on the 1933 books that says we have to give him any rights at all. We get there, we bust in, we look for something incriminating. If there isn't anything there, we invent something. With any luck, one of 'em will start shooting and we can just gun 'em all down. Let God sort it out. Now go get your gear and get ready to go. We're headed to Vegas.
John, to himself: Uncle Vittorio? At Christmas? How could they? I gotta get on the phone and get him outta there. But how? They monitor all calls from this place, I'd blow my cover if I called him now.
Agent Howard: Agent Scarpetta. May I have a word?
John: What is it, sir?
Agent Howard: We have an undercover operative in the house with the old man. We need our guy out before we go in, with guns blazing. That's where you come in.
John: Yes, sir?
Agent Howard: I want you to go in first. Pose as the old man's long lost relative or something. Get into the house, make contact with our agent, and get both of you out. When we get your signal, we move in. Got it?
John: Yes, sir.
John: I took the train to Las Vegas, to see my Uncle Vittorio. I'm not sure if he was really my uncle, but I had always called him that. He was older than dirt, but sharp as a tack. His body was confined to a wheelchair, but his mind was that of a man much younger. So, I wasn't surprised when a pretty young woman answered his door.
Knocking at the door
Janet: Can I help you?
John: Hi, who are you?
Janet:I'm Janet, Mr. Escampi's nurse.
John:A nurse? Is he ok? I'm his nephew, Johnny.
Janet:Then come in, by all means. Mr. Escampi says that family is always welcome in his home. He's just around in the study, if you'd like to see him now.
John: Sure thing. Uncle Vittorio? It's me, Johnny.
Vittorio: Johnny, my boy, it's good to see you. Come in, come in, sit down. Look at you. Have you eaten? I'll have someone get some food for you. Janet, make yourself useful and get the man some food. Worst nurse, ever, Johnny. If it weren't for her legs, I'd fired her long ago. Enough about that. What brings you by?
John:Let me shut the door, Uncle Vittorio.
Sound of door shutting and locking.
John: You gotta trust me here. For the next few days, I need you to play up the old man thing. Act like you're losing it. Act confused. I can't tell you why, but I need you to trust me. It's for the family.
Vittorio:For the family, my boy, anything.
Sound of door unlocking and opening.
John: (Loudly): No, it's me, Johnny. Sammy's boy. Sammy. The baker, remember?
Vittorio:From Wisconsin?
John: No, Uncle, from Jersey.
Janet:Here's your food, Johnny. What's the matter?
John: He doesn't understand who I am, or where he is. How long has he been that way?
Janet: Never. He's never that way! What's happened?
John: You're telling me that he never acts like this? So sudden, it could have been a stroke!
Janet: We'll never make an arrest with him like this!
John: What did you just say?
Janet: Um, I mean that...
Gunshot, then a body falls to the floor.
John: A shame to waste that pretty face in the FBI. Ok,Uncle, I don't have much time. You keep up the act, I'll take care of the rest.
John: I spent the next hour arranging things, framing Janet. Then, I called the FBI. They came in, weapons drawn, but they found me, a helpless, confused old man, and a dead girl.
Agent Howard:What happened here, Agent Scarpetta? She's our agent!
John:No, she wasn't, sir. She had a suitcase full of cash in her room. The mob paid her to set this poor guy up. He's no mobster, he's a confused old man. He doesn't even know where he is half the time. The girl set him up, to take the heat off the real criminals in this town. I knew that she was the plant. When I found the cash in her room, I confronted her and she tried to shoot me. I shot back, killing her. There's nothing here but a dirty agent and a sick old man.
Agent Howard: At least we got rid of her. There's no room in the FBI for dirty agents. Let's go, Scarpetta.
Ominous music
John: They moved my Uncle in with family, to care for him. Janet was buried without honors, although her treachery was never reported in the papers.
Announcer: I don't know how you did it, John. Amazing. Tune in next time for another exciting episode of "I Was a G-Man for the Mob!" Stay tuned for True Crime, true stories of criminals and their methods. Only on MBC, the Mafia Broadcasting Company. |
