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Gwarbley Barbleing
It hasn't been the best weekish for the Barble.
"It started out with my girlfriend leaving me. She told me I couldn't satisfy her anymore."
Admittedly, when we found this snippet from TheDean's diary it was shaping up to be an excellent week. The Barble was high on life, dancing merrily in the orchard, picking apples with our top off; free to enjoy the encroaching summer warmth with the gay abandon of youth. But like all good things - the death of Lucretia_Borgia being high on my list of good things - there is always something worse lurking just around the corner - the birth of the human disgrace, lolcat being at the very top of my list of bad things. Coincidentally lolcat is at the top of many Barble lists this week. I'll let you find out in due course just what they are. You're right. It is the BFF list.
(It is not the BFF list. We hate lolcat.)
"I guess I should have known I could never satisfy a horseface like Evangeline. My friends always said she was too good for me. I say friends; of course I don't have any. Unless you count Evangeline. Which you shouldn't. As she just left me."
And then we were flying again, amongst the satirical, abusive clouds, snorting their essences and blissfully shitting it out all over this page. Then we saw lolcat again, with his stupid face, stupid voice, stupid face, stupid stories and most of all stupid face and it brought us right back down to the depths of despair.
We couldn't fly anymore; instead we were back in the dark. We couldn't dance with our top off, in fact we had kinda noticed our swollen beer gut overhanging our trousers and our sagging man breasts became increasingly more difficult to ignore. This led to painfully remembering the New Year's Eve Resolution to take up jogging and the even more painful memory of the New Year's Day Resolution to learn to tell the difference between a drunkenly scrawled J and a drunkenly scrawled D.
After that the Barble was pretty much out of action, lounging around in our old rocking chair, with our knees pressed to our enormous chest, hyperventilating and desperately trying not to pass out. In other words the Barble was doing a magnificent Iota impression. At least we assume it would be a magnificent Iota impression. Nobody can really be sure what Iota or Chicago as a whole really do from one day to the next. It doesn't appear to translate into anything other than sitting around doing a whole lot of jack fucking shit.
The Barble decided right there and then that it was just going to phone it in, like appearing to be around doing research and making an issue, but really more like just pulling a crime or two and doing a whole lot of nothing. You're getting the Iota impression, right?
So anyway, once we moved passed our 'I'm such a fat waste of space, how am I Godfather of Chicago still?' phase and into our 'lolcat makes me want to bring back the bubonic plague' phase, it was game time. Hoopi was out in the field testing potential diseases, hoping that one could prove fatal. Unfortunately it appears that no amount of anal sex with Hoopi is going to kill and his aids was the best we had in our locker.
We sent shelly to the Barble lab and he had been locked in there since he came back from Cap'n Bob's Pirate Fun House and Male Go-Go Bar. We hoped he was trying to concoct a lolcat poison, but after three days without anyone seeing or hearing from him (obviously three days of parties between you and I) we finally checked on him to find that he had actually spent the time trying to build a robot Colin to give him the DR thrill he'd been missing.
After that monumental failure, the Barble went back to Plan A and just phoned it in.
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Bloodline Entitlement - DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!
by Hoopi
Being the son of a Jedi - nay, not just A Jedi, THE Jedi - I stepped out from his shadow with some pretty big expectations. The kind that mere mortals can't get away with. Deimne was told straight, "BG me up, or I will fuck you over old man. Do it." Was I right? Well, look where it got me. I'm a massive success; I'm running New York behind the scenes, giving the nod of approval on auths, takedowns and meals-on-wheels. Deimne still cowers towards the nearest corner when he sees me*. I love picking on old people. Sherminator tried to step in, but one whiff of Evangeline's pants and he backed right off. I knew those would come in handy...thanks Maldiva (yes readers, they're an item, those two). Sophisticated sex robot my ass, he couldn't handle Evangeline's special scent and she's ALL WOMAN**, uh huh.
Anyway, that was me, but ScreamandFlutterBy wasn't referring to me when she came to the streets to open debate on bloodline entitlement expectations. She was referring to you, mere mortals that no-one really cares about. There's actually very little to report from that discussion, people showed up, people agreed, people left. It was all very boring for the most part. Highlights, and I use that term quite wrongly, came from New York Mades, William and Nathaniel. William laid out a little smackdown for our esteemed editor, Gwarble. Gwarble was nowhere to be seen so we can only presume that's one nil to William. Shame on you Gwarble. Will it last? We'll see if Gwarble's grown a set and responds at any point.
Nathaniel, meanwhile, was quick on the scene to let us all know how strongly he agreed with his boss, SqueamishButterfly, whilst proceeding to show that he had completely misunderstood what she'd said. Monstrous fail. To be fair to him though, he did latch on to the irony of sitting Obscenely Well Protected whilst firing out gems like:
"When I came to this country, I should have been treated as exactly what I was, someone new to this life style. I should receive no special treatments, no cash to purchase protection, etc. That is exactly what the "ancestors" statement is meant to be." ***
He went on to dig himself out of this hole by pretending he'd actually earned them through proving himself...as if. There, there, Nathaniel. Sit down and let the big boys speak. Speaking of big boys - I mean chubby, not powerful - Gaius once again graced us a heart-wrenching display of what a man-crush looks like. Admittedly, he was far more subtle in bromancing Deimne than he has been with his previous boyfriends, but you don't fool the Barble, Gaius. Shortly after Deimne said:
"It's ironic that those who would never dream to ask for something, be it money, bodyguards, auth or anything else, are the ones who truly deserve it and those who do ask for them are the ones who deserve nothing but a bullet. Ironic, but something worth remembering, for all."
...Gaius said:
"Most of the time it's the individuals that don't deserve it that come forward and stupidly ask for it. Ironically, it's the individuals that never ask or say a word, thinking of their family instead of themselves, that really deserve it.
These are the individuals that send up everything to their family, are active within the family coffeeshops, that help the younger members, that never put themselves first, that grow with the family and that live and die every day for their family. These are the individuals that spend the countless hours training a firearm to protect and die for their Don or Godfather. THESE are the individuals that deserve it."
Being the generous soul I am, I've re-written this for Gaius. He shall consider it a lesson in succinctness of retort and direction of point, one that he can learn from and strive to work towards in his next bromance:
"God you are so wise Deimne, I totally agree with you. No totally, yeah, no. You're awesome. Have I ever told you, you have nice eyes? I don't know what I'd do if you passed away, I'd be such a mess. Anyway, did you notice I'd been sending all my money up? I'm also active in the coffee shops to help the young guys. I've been down the range every day too. Can I have some more BGs? I like older men. You're hot. Can we do a sleep over?"
Shudders.
Moving on, Philly Go-Go girl, AfroSamurai, also said....something...ehm, let's see. No, I'm sorry. I can't make out that it was interesting or worthwhile reporting. Nope, I'd be lying. Here ends the story.
?* I say cowers, but I'm not sure if you can cower in an electric wheelchair? Ok, he turns his old frame towards the nearest corner at the touch of a joystick.
** Awaiting scientific confirmation. Maldiva needs to know if she's a lesbian or not.
*** Read: Hypocrisy FTW losers, I'm OWP and you are not. Suck it up.
(You'll find the original discussion here.)
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Horrorscopes
by Bob Liar
Capricorn
Just what is your problem Capricorn? God I hate you. The washboard is NOT a musical instrument and the folk band is just a waste of time. Have a wash and get a job. Loser.
Aquarius
You'll lose a left shoe this week. The left shoe from your best pair leaving you having to hop to a funeral on Wednesday.
Pisces
Pisces, Pisces, Pisces. Even your name is retarded. This week you will soil yourself in a greengrocer's. Most people will tell you that the smell is an improvement. They will be right trampo.
Aries
You will get fired on Tuesday. Tough shit fatty. With any luck you won't get over this shock. Friday is a good day to attempt suicide.
Taurus
Taurus the bull. A bull in the china shop of life. Bumbling around ruining people's days wherever you show your smug face. Don't leave the house on Sunday as a priest is liable to punch you.
Gemini
They call you the twins Gemini. That's because ugly and stupid often go hand in hand and you are a text book Gemini. One look at your face gives that away.
Cancer
You'll will be turned away from a dating agency this week. They will give the reason that their books are full. The real reason is that you look and smell like Colin and ain't no one gonna date that shit.
Leo
It's no great surprise that the name Leo comes from the ancient Greek for stupid fat knacker. It's no surprise because you are a stupid fat knacker.
Virgo
You're great Virgo. You've always been my favourite. Don't let Scorpio tell you otherwise. He's a lying C.
Libra
It's not a good week for you Libra. Although to be fair it's never really a good week for you. You have to walk around with that face.
Scorpio
Like the mighty scorpion it would appear that you have a tail. It's actually matted arse hair that's wildly out of control. You make everyone sick.
Sagittarius
You are three cheese burgers away from a massive heart attack you fat loser. But look on the bright side. You have won our competition this week. Please swing by the Barble office to pick up your prize. It's three cheese burgers.
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A Day in The Life
by Bob Liar
ADITL, ADITL, where have you been? I've been up to London to visit a queen. That queen was Colin. That visit was a forced fingering. But that's a tale for another day. Anyhoo. I know you are all wondering where ADITL was last week. We all saw Gwarble attempt to explain my absence with some very childish words. Words so childish in fact that Gwarble was seen trying to tempt his words in to the back of a van with an ice cream.
So what did ADITL miss over the last two weeks? A war. Naturally. I don't know what happened because frankly who gives a shit? If I can't follow it for a day or ejaculate on it then it just doesn't register on my radar. Although to be fair, in the aftermath of the war with all those warm bodies on the streets I spilt more bodily fluids than Colin did when he spent that weekend with Bubba and 3 kilos of prison butter.
It's no great surprise that two weeks without ADITL caused the world to explode out of its own anus like a lover's semen. If you are unsure what that looks like, one of the lesser members of society wears that image on their suit.
It has been said by many people (no one) that ADITL is the glue that binds this world together like 3 eggs a day will bind your gut tighter than Maldiva's hotpants. However Just like Nero, I was fiddling while the world burned. Nothing to do with violins mind.
The fact of the matter is this my friends (not you Achilles you penis), Nickje had told me about this great brothel. Said he went there all the time, only ever caught a dose once. Cheap prices, anything goes kind of place. Right up my street as they say (co-incidentally going up your street is a service they offer). So I headed on over to the address that Nickje had scribbled in crayon on a scrappy bit of paper, knocked on the door, and waited for the 'madam' to answer.
When "She" did answer however, she looked suspiciously like Nickje in a dress with some really bad make up on. Assuming it to be his Mum or slutty ugly sister, I shrugged my shoulders and entered anyway. It wasn't long after getting in there and hanging my hat and coat up that I realised it was actually Nickje. But he looked kind of desperate for money, and as they say - Any hole's a goal, and I had travelled all that way for a gobble job, so I let him get about the task in hand. It turns out though that he has only done this a few times before, mainly with Colin, and he was a little bit toothy for my liking. And so it was that I decided to stay there with Nickje for the last two weeks training him in the subtle art of the throat poke.
Picture in your head a montage of that training session. Really try hard to summon up that mental image. Yes. That's it. That's the keeper. You're welcome.
It's no great surprise then, that over the last two weeks I haven't found the time to follow someone important (ha ha as if there is anyone important around here) around to see how they spend their day. This has given us the opportunity to try something new for next week however. I thought we could throw this one out to you the reader. YES YOU. You know who you are. No, not you. YOU. We will be seeking nominations this week for a valuable member of society (Evangeline immediately ruled out there) for me to spend the day with. It's as simple as that.
To nominate someone for me to tail simply send a mob mail to Evangeline with the subject line "Bash One Out Over xxxxx." With xxxxx being the mobster of your choice. Most votes wins it people and there are no, that's right NO voting restrictions on this one kids. We genuinely don't give a fuck about electoral fraud here at the Barble. If you want to send 50 votes to Evangeline, then by God you send 50 votes to Evangeline. She needs something to do whilst she is waiting for the gastric band operation.
We might (probably won't) catch up on some of our competitions as well next week (month year, maybe sometime. Probably never) and in a new "ADITL - Where are they now?" feature we have a shocking update from Mittens that the regular reader just won't want to miss. So tune in for that.
And to those of you that had to suffer the sub-standard non-ADITL based drivel of last week's paper, I offer you these comforting words: "Fuck Off Loser".
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The Silent/Stupid Masses
by Gwarble
Nothing really makes us feel special like waking up in the morning, smelling the roses and hearing people compliment us on our genius. The Barble is nothing if not a beautiful, egotistical beast. It was with delight therefore, upon our morning jaunt amongst our scented friends, that we heard old Tyrion having himself a right open discussion about the silent masses and just how inferior they are to the Barble.
At least, that is what we expected to hear.
As it turned out, the bee in Tyrion's bonnet didn't manage to convince him to worship us any more than usual, which left everyone at Barble Towers a little bit sadfaced. Still, we had a job to do and just because he didn't mention us directly doesn't mean we missed his not so subtle references. Like when he mentioned Jupiter-esque waste of space Iota and silent-but-dreadfully-boring Sherminator, we totally picked up on the inference that Tyrion hates Iota & Sherminator and that they deserve to die. And we agree with the sentiment whole heartedly.
Tyrion's main concern, other than masking his adoration and lust for the Barble behind a veil of omission, was "that the vast majority of people say nothing at all." The Barble's main concern on the other hand is the vast amount of stupidity we would have to see dribbled and spluttered on every street corner if this wasn't the case. We've all long since noticed that the only time most of the so called 'mobsters' around here open their mouths is to wedge something inside, but we're ok with that. Why? It is so damn hard to wade past all the nonsense FlyingPig insists on splaying around; can you imagine just how bad it would be with another 100 idiots doing the same thing?
Shudder.
Luckily we believe in the limited intelligence of MafiaReturns and have complete faith that they will never master the concept of public speaking, so we aren't sweating any of these guys. In fact, we're more relaxed than Las Vegas recruitment policies and believe me, that's laid so far back it is practically horizontal.
The debate didn't end there though, a lot of people waded in with their opinions on the matter.
Sheriff_Fatman told of how he would never give anyone their button unless they knew how to speak properly in public:
Personally, I would never give anyone their button unless they had demonstrated that they knew how to speak properly in public... I know this isn't everyone's approach, but it has long been the belief of my family that the streets are the heart and soul of this thing of ours, without them, well, there's precious little point being here.
Alfonce decided to cast his rune bones and just invent a cause as to why the masses remain silent:
"That being said, the killings of those who came to the streets respectfully and spoke their minds voicing an opinion has led to a continued decline in appearances"
Chris_Vaughn also forced his opinion on us, but after giving it a polite listen when we overheard our name, we decided he wasn't worth quoting. His dreams of the Barble's lips are more than a little disturbing and to be honest, he's pretty much a poster boy for why we appreciate the silence of the masses as a whole.
Nice work, champ.
(You'll find the original discussion here.)
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Go (F)auth and multiply
by Bob Liar
Well done petal. YOU JB'd. YOU pumped up tributes, YOU may have run a sub crew, and gosh YOU might have run the crew bar or even posted the crew earnings. Perhaps YOU even had yourself a little associate. Whatever. Who cares? YOU are still a bit of a no one.
But wait. What's this? A chance to get auth? A chance to run a famiglia of your own? Zoiks. That's got YOU written all over it. Not overly ranked, never had a chance to run anything except your mouth before and yet YOU know you're ready for a whole family.
It's just sitting back looking haut in bold and collecting the money right? No? You sure? In that case, what are YOU going to do? YOU got your one big chance to set up a crew alongside some other eager beavers that have run sub crews and kicked up tributes themselves.
These opportunities have presented themselves before. People just like YOU have seized those opportunities with both of their grubby little hands. They've looked great in bold and then looked fucking awesome in the obits not that long after. So what are YOU going to do? Yes. YOU. That's right. Why are YOU different? I'm not going to pass comment on the merit of these opportunities. They've been debated ad infinitum by wiser people than me time and time again.
I won't pass comment on the people that have taken these opportunities. The fact of the matter is that some pretty well loved families have come out of these opportunities before. But, as I do want to feel all cuddled and loved like I were about to get a reach around, I've decided to feel safe in the knowledge that YOU are going to do something to be remembered. YOU are going to grow a family, and take the chance to actively have a hand in running a city and integrating it with the other cities.
Is that something YOU can do? Does that sound like YOU? I sincerely hope so. I look forward to seeing what YOU will do with the opportunity you have.
Note: In another amusing case of Barble 1 No name 0, without even wishing them dead this week, one of the new auths managed to get themselves shot in the face shortly after this piece was written. Thanks Prinny. You are the reason we get up in the morning. Keep reaching for that rainbow.
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lolcat? More like stupididiotcat - Oh yeah, witttttttty.
by Gwarble
It isn't easy being a fucking moron.
I, of course, have absolutely no understanding of the burdens facing these people as I'm both a hero and a genius. Some sort of geniero. (un)Luckily though, the Barble has a great deal of day to day interaction with complete idiots, with Messrs Hoopi & shelly competing like two peas in a very retarded pod for the crown of King Idiot on a daily basis.
Still, even these two tools would be forced to concede their rights in favour of a new monarch and I'm sure you know by now, (maybe the title was a clue) that I'm suggesting that be lolcat.
"lolcat" is blight upon MafiaReturns. Unfortunately the Streets have recently been subjected to some of the outright stupidity that I was fearful of earlier in this Issue. We appear to have a blathering pillock in our ranks, who for reasons beyond my understanding is being actively encouraged to delude himself into believing he is a cat.
I could probably tolerate this but even more unfortunately this cat seems to have some sort of brain deficiency and can only produce stories that fail dismally in every category that we could judge them against. An intelligent cat? I could stomach that. A not funny, delusional man, believing he is a storytelling cat, billowing out all sort of nonsense about rofldogs and whatever the fuck other ridiculous ideas pop into his obtuse head? Not so much.
I have nothing against people who struggle with English, in fact some of the most talented mobsters the Barble has ever encountered couldn't string too many sentences together, but at least they tried and tried to do it properly. To intentionally play the role of the village idiot makes me sick and I can only comfort myself with the fact that no self respecting woman would let herself be knocked up by a dribbling fool who believes he's an illiterate cat.
The inane ramblings of this asinine idiot have gone on far too long.
Do the world and all the people in it (the Barble in particular) a favour; have yourself an Iota sized bowl of catnip.
And choke on it.
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Mafia Census - An fool's survey of fools
by Gwarble
When FlyingPig comes to the streets people gather round. He would have you believe this is because he has a big name from a long established bloodline. We would agree in part, he does have a stupid name from a long established bloodline of clowns.
We can only assume it was a bid to find equally dim friends that drew the Right Hand Man of DirtyLittleSilentThisWeek away from lounging in his headquarters. He may have told everyone it was under the guise of being from the "Mafia Census Bureau" but we're fairly sure this is just him and all his current friends. So, him.
The Census contained a whole host of questions for the Mafia community to gorge themselves on and provide answers to:
Please state your full name:
__________________________________
Criminal Family and City of Residence:
____________________________________
Rank as of April 14:
____________________
Category which best describes you: (Check one)
_______ Asshat
_______ Fucktard
_______ Drooling Mongoloid
_______ Mute moron
_______ Worthless CL
_______ Giant vagina who jumped ship during a war
_______ I am Flying Pig
Education Level: (Check one)
_______ Kindergarten
_______ First grade
_______ Second grade
_______ Third grade
_______ I know the difference between "your" and "you're", but not "there" and "their".
_______ Functioning, literate human being (Do not lie. You know you do not fall into this group.)
What are your primary accomplishments? (Check one)
_______ I have used my great power and influence to reshape Cosa Nostra.
_______ I offer a periodic journal to discuss current issues and entertain the masses.
_______ I gave a speech once. It was shit and did not receive any attention.
_______ I did something really stupid that amused a great many people.
_______ I don't do anything. Some day, I will serve as target practice for another mobster. It will be my most useful purpose up until then.
_______ I abuse people for my own and other's amusement.
_______ Other (Please describe below)
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
A plethora of the MafiaReturns underworld came out to provide the Old Pig with answers to his friend request form. Many people failed to follow the very basic instruction of "check one" beside the categories and Deimne pretended to have found someone else's answers altogether. Really we suspect he just forgot his own name and went to town on it. Someone should really put him out of his misery.
The highlight of the exercise had to be Dante_Balboni's effort of chewing the form and failed attempt to piece it back together. Hoopi's admission that he was too stupid to answer the questions was totally expected.
Sadly, lolcat wasn't bashed over the head with the form until he blacked out. I know you hoped for that as well.
(You'll find the original discussion here.)
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Obituaries:
I've decided that no publication of any sufficient calibre is complete without an obituaries section. In our walk of life people die and they will be honoured in this section. Unfortunately in our walk of life some people don't die and we wish they would have. They will also be honoured in this section.
People who have died
...can be found here.
Lazy bastards.
People we wish had died who actually died:
The_Heb - Too much Rourke is bad for anyone and you practically overdosed on it. Speaking is a dangerous business, you can invoke the wrath of the Barble for saying the wrong thing and then you either have to man up and take your death or pussy out and suicide. Either way, we still got you - pussy.
People we wished had died:
lolcat - The only tragedy in all this is that you didn't find your way onto this list sooner then maybe I wouldn't have to listen to you flap your stupid cat-addled lips in a horrible array of inane speeches. I can honestly say that when the death list claims you I intend to hollow you out and keep you as a trophy.
Boner_Stabone - Stupid name, stupid lolcat lover, death wish list.
Anyone with a <3 to someone else - You disgust me. I hope you die and then your "<3" linked chum pops it as well. At your funerals, I'll be there - laughing.
PhelixTheSphinx - As if it wasn't bad enough to lose MattGondano once, you have to take him from me again. Damn you.
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Acknowledgments
I'd like to start this off by thanking all of you. If the majority of you (thinking of lolcat in particular) weren't so incredibly annoying, we wouldn't have any idiots to abuse and what good would an idiot-abusing paper like this be without a healthy dose of idiots? Empty. Like Evangeline's head.
It was also a fairly decent turnout from team Barble this week so thanks to shelly for giving me a whole host of things to correct. "You" "Your" and "You're". This is basic stuff.
Thank you Hoopi for doing one piece less than you're supposed to. Cheers buddy.
Thank you to Colin for doubling his failure. Not only are you a waste of space as a reporter for the Barble, you're also a waste of space as a RHM. Congratulations.
On a serious note, thank you Gwarble for being great. Cheers man. Don't mention it.
Speaking of serious notes, I suppose I should probably add one. We have produced this work of art across numerous months and ten issues. I'm pleased with this and would like to actually commend everyone who contributes to this. Without you guys, I couldn't produce this. Well, as I did the first and last issues alone, I pretty much can. But, it is easier when you help. Thank you.
With Issue X on the shelves, should we apply to bring back the Mafia Tribune?
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