Sensei Samurai_Banana enters the custom made dojo (most definitely not his mothers converted basement adourned with pictures of Chen Zhi-gong, honestly, it really isn’t) and bows at the congregation.

I am here to elevate you in mind, body and spirit whilst teaching you the noble arts of my fruity ancestors, that of Hai Yah! Kapow! fighty kick kick which is infinitely superior and more deadly than anything else……including Chinese burns.

My assistant Jennie san is handing your first lesson……..Jennie San! STOP picking your nose with that crayon!

Excuse me, the first lesson is simply to choose which of the noble arts you wish to pursue.  If you look around the Dojo you will see an assortment of ancient eastern weapons (absolutely not some stolen fence panelling and/or kitchen utensils wrapped in silver foil), you must choose your discipline.  Once chosen, training will begin.

Jennie san, hand me my Katana (most definitely not a cricket bat fashioned into a kind of sword shape and covered in silver foil)

NO JENNIE SAN! THAT IS A BOWL OF CUSTARD……….Sensei Sam_Ban mutters under his breath, something to do with all the consistency of a pudding fart

Sensei Sam_Ban does some weird moves and makes ‘swoosh’ noises.........like a sensei

Now, choose your weapons from the list of:-

Sharpey, choppy, ouchie sword

Twirly, chainey, twizzle truncheons

Pokey, scratchey, tiny stabbers

Woody, reachy, bash sticks

Throwy, slicey, razor discs.

on successful completion of your intensive training, you will be given a certificate of your belt colour and/or mastery of your discipline.  

So, who’s first?

Jennie karate kicked in the door, or at least attempted to. Her foot bounced off it and she went flying back onto the street, falling on her rather flat behind. "Mother..." she said before trying to get to her feet, but mostly just rolling around on the cold pavement until she got enough momentum to get on her front. Pushing herself up proved to also be a bit difficult, but eventually after much grunting and swearing, she was back on her feet. "Hiiii-yah!" she yelled before running at the door again, but this time just opening it normally. "Ok, clearly not a ninja yet." she said before grabbing a woody, reachy bash stick and using it as a cane. "Getting to old for this shit."

Kate walked into the... school?... with her hands in the pockets of her long, black jacket. She'd advanced through one round of the fighting competition in Las Vegas, but she was looking for any edge she could get. Perhaps this place would be able to help her train.

Ah Kate san

ignore Jennie san, she has yet to master the yellow belt on opening the door, never mind any of the cornicopia of death dealing tools of....well, death.

Jennie san! Hand then good Kate the stabby, pokey, scratchy........yes, i can say the words backwards

Sam_Ban does and elaboratge twirl whilst making 'swoosh' noises....hiding the fact he's really hurt his ankle

Katelogan, your first task is to assume a crouching, almost funky chicken like stance, and ready yourself for Jennie sans attack

Jennie san..................CHARGE!

Jennie gets Samurai_Banana 's credit card out and brandishes it about. "I am ready to charge, master! She cries before rushing towards the door. "To the shoe sales I go!" She yells

Sesei Sam_Ban shake his head and catches Jennie san before she stabs the catering lady, Spike, with a stick of celery

Now, lets try that again shall we?

"There is no try, there is only do." She says before bowing low and then realizing her mistake because now she is stuck she slowly falls to the floor. "Top heavy, innit." she mutters with her face pressed against the wooden flooring. 

Sensei Sam_Ban 'swooshes' to the far end of the Dojo

perhaps you think this a circus, a comedthy of errors as it were?  Not at all, these seemingly inane exchanges have been designed to sharpen your focus @Janelogane

Samurai_Banana takes a chinese fightng muffin and hurls it at @Janelogans head.

your training starts now.......

Sensie Sam_Ban karate walks and kung foo chops his way back to the out arena...........and slaps the bejesus out of Jennie san

Jennie, knowing when she is beaten grabs the muffin that has rolled a few feet away and shoves it in her mouth. "Yes Banana sensi." she mumbles around the mouthful of deliciously moist baked goods. She didn't care, as long as the muffins kept coming, who would? 

Mercedes walks in, just in time to see baked goods flying across the room. The sensei appears to be in session with both Jennie and Kate, so she stands in the back of the dojo, against the wall. While waiting, she peruses the fighting implements, and decides that if she's given a choice, she wants to try the throwy, slicey, razor discs.

Sensei Sam_Ban materialises (after tripping over Jennie's collection of toenails) with an epic 'swoosh' noise.

Mercedes_Kompressor san, I see you have chosen the projectiles or.................pauses for dramatic effect did they choose you?

you shall be known as Little Merc whilst in this Dojo and your training starts..........Now.

I need you to stand on one leg, humming 'the good ship lollipop' and visualising the throwy, slicies piercing the air.......BECOME THE THROWY SLICEY!.....and if you have time, can you fetch me a sandwich?

Kate, confused, follows the instructions of Samurai_Banana and crouches down with both hands out waiting for Jennie to attack. 

Thomas opened the door to peek into the dojo... Low and behold, another embarrassing pose by Miss Kate Logan. He stopped dead in his tracks before busting out laughing, loudly...

"What... in under fock... are yeh doin'... Kate?" He huffed, bent at the waist with his hands on his knees as he tried to catch his breath from laughing so hysterically.

KateLogan was, certainly, going to shoot Thomas this time. Why did he always catch her in... awkward situations, and always from the back side?

Kate turned to Samurai_Banana.

Mr. Banana. Permission to fight Thomas_OShannon for practice?

In the meanwhile, 'Little Merc' has run down the street, ordered a couple sammiches, and is now standing precariously on one leg while humming a lovely Shirley Temple tune. Visualizing the 'throw slicies', she uses the imagery to fling one sandwich to Sensei Bananasan and the other to KateLogan, who instinctively catches it and immediately wings it into Thomas' temple. 

Thomas stopped laughing as a sandwich hit him upside the head... He blinked a bit, and then began laughing again at the absurdity of the day. A sandwich... He stepped in and calmed down finally.

"Okay, so wha's tha deal here? Wha' are we learnin' about our hand ta hand combat styles?" He looked between Kate, Mercedes, Sam_Ban, and even Jennie. The look on his face was true curiosity, but the lettuce stuck in his hair probably didn't help the imagery. It slowly slid until it plopped on the floor and he looked down with a deflated sigh. This was embarrassing and quite humorous.

Jennie gave a shrug and leaned on her swingy bashey stick. "No idea. I've been coming here for years and I still can't do much of anything." she said. "But that might have to do a lot with the fact that SamBam and I get together and drink, rather than train. And then there are the naps, and the foods..." she trailed off thinking about the burgers and the bacon, drooling slightly. 

Katelogan san

permission granted, but you must do it.............blindfolded!

Sensei Sam_Ban hands Katelogan the pokey, scratchy stabbers and blows his whistle.

fight!

sensei Sam_Ban winces as a random sandwich hits him in the eye

to the untrained eye that may have looked like i didn't mean for that to happen......

embarrassed Sensei Sam_Ban hands Little Merc the chinese fighting muffins

mercedes_Kompressor, aim for Jennie san, and if you manage to miss her ass, you will pass the test!

sensei Sam_Ban throws some bacon across the dojo to make Jennie san a moving target.