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It was late in the headquarters in Detroit. Most of the city had gone to sleep, but a few night owls stuck around sitting on couches and chair, sipping drinks and telling stories. Jennie was a few drinks in, trying to maintain her air of slantiness, when she stirred at a lull in conversation. “Shall we have a scary story, then?” she asked the men and women gathered. A few looked sceptical, as if how could anything be scary to them, these big bad mafioso. “No no, trust me, It’s truly terrifying.” she told them. She got up and crossed the room to turn the lights down before returning to her seat. Picking up her drink she began her tale.
“Once upon a time, there was a friendly Banana, who would generally get along with everyone unless of course they were an utter twat.” she said. “One day, while in the coffee shops, this Banana made a joke, inviting some folks around his for New Years, offering them alcohol and a bit of fun.” she took a sip of her drink. “Everyone brushed it off as a joke, except her, the tiny soulless Gingerbread ma’am.” she shuddered at the thought before carrying on.
“Imagine being at home on New year's in your holey pants, a few beers in playing sack or shaft whilst eating a lovely feast of cold pizza and chips. And suddenly, in the silence of the house the phone rings. A northern accent from hell is on the other end, “I’m here, dearly. Let me in.” and you freeze. You could do what your instincts are screaming, turn off the lights, lock the doors and cry. Or you could be a good person and let this creature into your home, because bless, who should be alone on New Years?”
“So the brave, stupid Banana let her in. And immediately began plotting how to get her out. Subtle hints did not work. His iron pants to protect his bits almost didn’t work. Getting blind drunk seemed to work, but he still was out in public with her. The soulless ginger bread Ma’am.”
“Oh, how his friends laughed when he showed up, with this tiny creature in tow. Following behind him, plotting how to steal his heart. This gingerbread Ma’am would try come off motherly, but then opening her mouth a noise that can not properly be described would come forth, talking about the most inane topics such as corsets and metal and not to mention how beguiling she found the Banana.”
“Potassium is very good for you.” she’d try to coo, but it’d be more of a screech. Nails on a chalk board. The sounds of the last call bell ringing at a pub. Nothing pleasant. And try as he might, the Banana was too soft, too weak to fight her off. He clung to his peel, hoping that he could get her on the next train out of town without having his soul sucked away by this gingerbread ma’am.”
Jennie paused, and someone spoke up from the back. “But what happened? When it got dark and quiet in the middle of the night?” and Jennie laughed, and laughed. “Why, the banana did not sleep. He could not let his guard down, not even for a moment. Because the soul sucking Gingerbread ma’am could pounce at any second and ruin everything he held dear.” she told them. “So instead he paced, and fretted, and plotted how to get rid of her, whilst realising how many kitchen instruments he accumulated along with an abnormal amount of tin foil. He wasn’t sure how dangerous she was, but to err on the side of caution, a fetching hat of silver had to be made. So there he sat, in the dark holding knives and tongs, foil upon his head waiting for the shapeless harpy of the night to spring out of the darkness and attack.”
“ When the morning came, he tried to push her out the door. Ignoring her protestations and offers of food, not sure what trickery she had in store. But knowing, that if he wanted to keep his soul he had to be rid of this beast. So although his primal urges might have won out, had he not vowed to never succumb to the hungarian goulashy stuff of nightmares that was, the soulless gingerbread ma’am.”
“So let this be a warning to you, never invited the soulless gingerbread ma’am around. Jokingly or not. She will try to suck you dry of your essence. She will try to steal the very thing that makes you special. She will destroy you, from the inside out.” Jennie nodded and got to her feet. “Well, I feel like that was enough to give you all nightmares for the rest of your days.” she said stretching.
“But wait, what happened to Banana?” someone asked from the back and Jennie smiled.
“Ah, yes. Well Banana never wanting to be at the mercy of a monster again. So instead of sitting by and letting things carry on like normal, he started to train. He traveled, met in dojos and studios; He annoyed the shit out of monks until they gave him ice cream. He learned the ancient arts of fighting and upon his glorious return, he was no longer just a Banana. He was the legend that stands...well probably slightly behind you and breathing kind of heavy because stairs really are a bitch...and god when did they put so many in, god damn, all that training was hell on his knees… but Samurai banana! Still a Banana, but one with skills and shit.”
She grinned and flicked the lights back on. “So sleep well, friends. Because we have an arthritic Samurai fruit watching over us, protecting us from the horrors of the Soulless Gingerbread Ma’am.”
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