"We'll be peachy, Love. A little extra in the mix won't kill us. We need all the help we can get. It'll be fine!" she says brightly. Okay, so they might be a bit overdosed, but damn, we were talking about cracked ribs and punctured sturnums here...they needed any advantage they could find. 

As the hour wore on, they were feeling pretty damn good, actually. Fate had dealt with not only the movers, but someone hired for dog transport. She spoke in length to the pooch, instructing him on good behavior and planting a kiss on his snout before he was led away. Caesar's men had arrived and had secured some decent military-grade arms and equipment. All they needed to do was hit the storage unit, break into it, and grab the goods. Easy peasy.

Caesar was up and moving around comfortably, and had even dressed himself. These were two capable people!

One of Caesar's men had remained behind and would serve as a driver. 

This should go exceptionally well!

I felt a strange sort of happiness as I got dressed. Really, my mind was in a state of blissful clarity, and I could observe the secret workings of the cosmos from Fate's apartment. Some strange men had come, and dropped off some very evil things, things used for killing people, while greeting me like I knew them. I tried to persuade Fate to burn such weapons, but to my utmost horror, she cleaned and prepped them, handed me a particular vicious looking piece and told me while grinning that everything will be fine.

Strangely enough, I didn't feel any pain either, and soon we were speeding along the roads of New York in a car which I have no idea how we got. Fate was driving, and I was riding shotgun. I turned to look at her and was astounded to see that her hair was switching colour every few seconds. Good fucking God! Now that's some cool hair dye!

I look out at the New York streets and am very disturbed to see the sheer numbers of cockroaches crawling across all the buildings. Some were even climbing onto our car, and I would have started shooting at them right away, if the weapon in my hand didn't turn into a snake and breathe fire at me. Yelling, I dropped the weapon, and looked around panicking as trees sprouted from my knuckles and fingernails.......

They're flying down the streets of New York, Fate behind the wheel. Her pupils are blown and she's biting down so hard on her lower lip that it's split back open. She can't feel it...can't feel anything, really. The drugs have kicked into high gear and everything is sharper, brighter, clearer. Looking to her right, she sees Caesar looking at her with a silly grin on his face. She has an entire conversation with him in her head before realizing neither has vocalized a word.

"But why, they said it was okay if we stayed yellow and watched the cartoons!" She bellows at him in an attempt to clarify things. He's still staring stupidly at her. Poor Caesar. Fate sure liked the fella, even though he was only two feet tall. 

Once they'd arrived at the storage place, Fate drives up and down the aisles, looking for Number 19. There are only 20 units, but it takes her an hour and a half. Record time! 

Stopping the car, her and her midget cohort get out. Fate grabs her gun from the seat and shoves a pair of bolt cutters down the back of her pants. She walks to the door's padlock and attempts to open it with her gun. Realizing she's got that shit backwards, she busts into a fit of giggles. Caesar sees the streak of blood running down her lower back from the groove the boltcotters have made, and joins in. Both now hysterical, they've collapsed to the ground, gasping for breath and howling with laughter. 

Unbeknownst to them both, the night manager has been watching these antics from the get-go and has called the police, whose sirens could be heard approaching in the near distance.

I look at the approaching monsters with the obnoxious sirens. "Party-vans! The Pary-vans are here! Hahahahah! Party-vans!" I looked around for the gun-snake which I had on my lap, and found that it was currently making love to the bolt-cutters. Shamelessly cock-blocking it before it could spawn any hybrid offspring, I aimed the writhing snake at the massive gate, and let it breather fire. I was knocked backwards off my feet because the snake shot its load from both ends, but I got back up.

Giggling about the hilariousness of the situation, I attempt to open the door, only to find it being blocked by Axel, who is dressed in a nigh-watchman's uniform. "Axel! Axel, how did you get to Rome so quickly buddy?" I yell happily at the bewildered watchman, advancing upon him with the shotgun clutched in my hand. Axel, however does not share my happiness in meeting each other, so far away from our homeland of China, where the monkeys swing happily from rock to rock. 

He repeatedly tells me to stand back and to leave him alone. I am also unnerved to see that Axel is growing larger with every second. This has become a true showdown. I feel an urgent need to get past the door the troll-Axel is guarding but I cannot remember why we are here anyway. Mustering up my courage, I leap at the giant Axel, and my shotgun, perhaps recognising my bravery transforms into the hammer of Mars. I begin clubbing Axel with the hammer, but as his skull splits open and the green blood begins to leak out, I understand the entire conspiracy, like someone has turned on a light inside my head.

"You are an imposter Axel!" I yell at the dying man. "The real Axel is made of steel and never breaks. You are a bag of foreskins! You are not Axel." Rambling on, I open the magical gates of Fairyland, and see that it is filled with light and rainbows inside. The rainbows seem to be coming off some stacks of paper which have faces printed on them. I can barely make out the words "America" written on the paper. The papers also seem to contain the pictures of Camp.

Funny. Why would anybody print off Camp's face and write a bunch of shit all around it? I decide that these must be misplaced recipes from the Disappointment Burger. They were even numbered and everything. This one right here had a 5 written on it! I stuff the stacks of paper, and some kind of other shiny stuff I liked into a bag, and dumped the bag behind some shelves, before exiting Fairyland and closing the gates again. I will just have to pick up Camp's stuff later. The Party-Vans had reached us by now, and some well dressed gentlemen were exiting the vehicle. I naturally came to the conclusion that they were here to take us to the circus because we had been such good children, and Mommy wanted to give us a treat!     

The cops approach, weapons drawn. But once they see the state of these two, they quickly put them away. Handcuffing them and shoving them into the back seat of the squad car, the cops look at each other as the two in the back continue talking gibberish to each other. 

"I told you, we can't do that on the roof! I'll get shingles in my butt!" says Fate.

"Sandpaper is an important part of one's diet, though! And proper footwear," replies Caesar.

"Little Caesar! Pizza pizza! I want a pizza that ass!" continues Fate, tears of joy streaming down her face as she stares into his pepperoni eyes.

"Aww, me too, Rainbow Brite. I'm so glad you're not a Lysol!!" He counters sincerely. Leaning over, he bites her ear.

A knowing look passes between the two officers, and they detour away from the police station and towards the Summerlin Insane Asylum.

These two are clearly escapees.

We were hurtling through a digestive tract and I could see bits of food flying around everywhere. The frogs who were driving our horse-cart onwards were croaking loudly at each other. Strangely enough, some of their croaks sounded like words. "Mad", "Insane", "Waste of Time". Perhaps they were talking about the fish who were swimming all around us. One of them had actually gotten itself stuck inside Fate's nose! Giggling, I try to get it out, by my hands are tied with somebody's vocal cords. I try to rub my wrists against the bindings, wondering if it will create music.

We are now pulling up against a building made of solid gold. I need to get all that moolah, but the ground has turned into quicksand and is sucking me down. The ape who is dragging me forward gives me a kick in the ass, and grunts at me to get up and walk. He drags us to a priest, who is dressed in lingerie for some reason. Hahaha, priest-whore. But the priest was very fucking ugly, with four eyes and two noses, and he kept referring to himself as Thomas Leeds.

"I don't give any dicknipples you fucking Brit." I call out to the grotesque creature before me.    

Thomas Leeds stood before the cackling loons. Upon hearing of the attempted robbery, he was able to intercept the transport and, as he threw wadded up hundreds in the dirty cops' direction, he instructed them to put the thieves in the back of his car. 

Easier said than done. Demented folks are like greased, dead weight.

Struggling with the two, they manage to get them drug halfway to the car before Fate turns and knees her captor squarely in his sack of marbles. Caesar grabs his abductor's arm and snaps it, the sound of the break loud as a tree branch on this clear, quiet side street. Both officers drop to the pavement, writhing in their various agonies as Caesar and Fate slide into the police car, Caesar behind the wheel. He guns the idling engine, throws it into drive, and without any hesitation whatsoever, runs over Leeds. For added measure, he backs over him and runs him over once more.

The drugs, obviously, have worn off at some point on the drive over. Time to return to the booty. And the storage unit!

Thomas Leeds. My brain had taken a phenomenal amount of time to process that tidbit of information, and it finally hit me with a horrifying realization, as the man was about to take delivery of us into his vehicle. Fortunately, Fate decided at that point to gift her captor with a life-long case of premature Erectile Dysfunction, and that snapped me into action as well. Disabling both of our assailants, I drove over Thomas Leeds until he was effectively a part of the pavement. I also knew that the cops would have to be silenced, but I need not have bothered. Fate delivered a load of buckshot into both of their torsos, and we drove away from the scene before reinforcements arrived.

Back to the warehouse (which took us six minutes to find this time), we recovered the bag of loot I had stashed behind the shelves, and ditched the police car, heading to Fate's apartment in a taxi. The strains of the day had reopened my wound, and it was bleeding through my shirt, and I knew we had to reach the safehouse before I came down with the crippling pain once more. I turned to look at her once more, contemplating the events of the last three days, and thanking the powers that be, for sparing our lives so many times. 

Goodbye, New York. Can't say I'll miss ya.

Fate and Caesar had returned to her apartment and fallen into a deep, uninterrupted sleep that lasted twelve hours.The next morning, they struggled through gauzy drug hangovers as they dressed and left for the train station with only minutes to spare before it left the station, headed for Las Vegas. It had been an epically brutal trip, one neither cared to ever repeat, but it wasn't a total loss...Leeds' stash was tucked into the dresser drawers, nightstands, and armoires inside of Fate's hired moving truck. 

But she felt a bit bad for Caesar, having to deal with all her unpredictable and highly disastrous crap. The things you do for love, indeed, she thought as she clasped his hand in hers.

Sometimes you were just rolling the dice.