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Gwarbley Barbleing
Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water.
I'm joking; it is never safe to go back in the water. Water is out of your life now. Learn to do without it.
So, April 26th was the last time the Barble managed to drag it's putrid, festered carcass to the office and swat away the flies from its decrepit, bloated, corpse long enough to produce one of these. We understand now why the last time Deimne started something in the streets was the 21st He may have hit his year, but he looks like he just hit a bus.
At least we're clearly adhering wonderfully to our mission objective of pumping one of these out each week. I suppose it could be worse; the Barble could have worked itself up to Godfather and due to some pretty heavy duty foaming at the mouth in our excitement to kill us a Durden no mark or two, accidentally have wound up turning the gun the wrong way and now be helping ourselves to a double portion of mashed potatoes at the 'Idiot Buffet' in heaven.
Quite a lot has been bubbling away in the Barble's absence, most of it dull as fuck, but we'll try to at least spice it up a bit for you with our own version of events - i.e. outright lies and falsehoods. We've had auths, deaths, Godfathers, mavericks and distinctly far too much Deimne rammed down our throats, but we'll just have to grin and bear it for now, the old codger is surely due to be felled sooner or later.
The Barble decided to tackle the issues of MafiaReturns in the weary way it went about most tasks these days; with a distinct lack of enthusiasm, a healthy dose of hatred for the world and everyone in it and of course a complete lack of tact. This winning formula had served us well for the previous eleven issues, so we decided why break a habit of a lifetime? Similarly, Iota has decided to not break his habit of a lifetime and as usual Chicago consequently contributed absolutely nothing between our issues.
When it was time to divide up the assignments in Barble Towers all the staff gathered around the table in the garden to see who had been assigned what. We had moved the table over Hoopi's grave since his death two weeks ago; we liked to feel he could still add the same contribution to the Barble from the afterlife as he did in life - absolutely nothing. Mittens purred contentedly in shelly's lap. shelly purred contentedly in Colin's lap. It was a beautiful moment.
Bob Liar was fired off to the Barble Observatory to conduct his Horrorscopes, he worryingly pulled Firefly after him on a leash, which we can only assume was some weird sexual thing Bob was into these days. Nobody was ever sure about Bob's sexual fetishes. To be honest it was just widely accepted at the Barble, a bit like Colin's down syndrome, and even the fact he was only wearing fishnet stockings and nipple clamps wasn't even out of the ordinary anymore.
The rest of the shitmunchers are barely worth mentioning. Colin was chewing on Mittens, Hoopi was dead, shelly was crying about how ugly Evangeline was and Gwarble was left to shuffle through the rest of the tasks without them. SINGER had submitted something via post, but nobody was sure whether it was going to make it in or just be used for part of Colin's housetraining.
Onward and upwards I always say. I never say that. You will literally never find me saying that. Ever.
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Horrorscopes
by Bob Liar
Capricorn
Well done Capricorn. You have invented an entirely new level of disappointment. You are so disappointing right now that you have gone beyond Hoopi, past Firefly even, and straight into Colin.
Aquarius
You have bowel issues Aquarius. Before the week is out, you will shit on your Nan. You are probably Colin. He's done it before, and the stars say he'll do it again. On Saturday. To your Nan.
Pisces
I never knew where people got the inspiration for horror stories from before. And then I saw your face and now I'm a believer. You ugly bastard. Stay indoors for everyone's sake. There are no days this week that are safe to show that face.
Aries
It's worth listening to the doctor on this one. It's not big, it's not clever and it certainly isn't designed to go in there. The fact that you put it in there anyway… Well that's your problem and you will have to deal with it on your own on Tuesday.
Taurus
You could have it all Taurus. The looks, the cars, the money, the women. You could, but you don't. You don't because you are ugly, stupid and repellent. Deez fatty. Deez indeed. Some people are saying that you might be the next Colin. I'd rather be the next corpse.
Gemini
Gemini. It's no great surprise that Gemini rhymes with wanker. Oh what? It doesn't? It should. Why? Because you're a wanker.
Cancer
They say you have an emotional shell. It's actually your skin. Psoriasis is a terrible burden to bear and yet bear it you do. You bear it like Jesus bore the cross. Only he let some other fucker carry it for him. You have to carry this scaly bastard all by yourself.
Leo
I've checked, Leo. Checked and double checked. The stars don't lie mind. They have never lied. Sorry about that. You are, ARE, getting gender re-alignment later this week. Are you shelly?
Virgo
God Virgo. Look at you. You are awesome. You have it all. Great arse, cheeky smile, mental retardation. I'd bang you, Virgo and so would cancer, the dirty bastard. It's your hapless smile that drives him wild.
Libra
Some people are saying that you are a massive wanker. Those people are Leo. Leo hates you, Libra. Leo will attempt to kill you sometime around Friday. Gemini will help him. Gemini has been plotting your demise for years.
Scorpio
Scorpio? Pffft. No one likes you. Seriously. No one. We LITERALLY asked everyone. It was unanimous. You are a massive tool. Kill yourself on Sunday. Jesus would like that.
Sagittarius
It's written in the stars. Of course it would be. This is a horoscope after all, dickwad. Anyway. It's written in the stars that you will die of shame this week. Hardly surprising with your face.
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Page 3 Special - Deimne's Birthday
As we are all doubtlessly aware (partly because we pay attention to village idiot, turned powerful Godfather of New York, Deimne and partly because every moron on the street has been wetting themselves over it) it was Deimne's birthday not so long ago. Festivities have been held across the cities to celebrate this...wonderful...occasion.
However, what most people weren't aware of, was that the old party animal had decided to throw himself a fancy dress party. He had invited the finest members of Cosa Nostra from across MafiaReturns and he had offered it up as a peaceful event where everyone could kick back and relax. Sounds great doesn't it? No? Fuck you, it does.
Obviously, because I'm such a superstar, I was invited first and despite my reluctance to spend any time with the other peons, I had a duty to the Barble to make sure this event was recorded and reported back to you, our dutiful reader. Thankfully Hoopi's camera was now without an owner, given his recent departure to Deadsville, so I took that along with me as well. Aren't I kind to you?
I know the suspense must be killing you, so here are our top 3 costumes from Deimne's Birthday bash:
Number 3 - BabyKuklinski.
Coming in at number 3 is Richard "Baby" Kuklinski. This costume went down a treat at the party with Sherminator asking if he could "help change his nappy" so many times that it started to be a little uncomfortable. Richard was trying to make light of the fact that he is a Capo living in a Godfather's world and we have it on good authority that he let the frisky New York Underboss do more than just change him to try and score some points. You know what I mean. That's what he's into. Yeah, that.
Number 2 - SuperTyrion.
It was no surprise that New York LHM, cravat wearer and practical joker Tyrion, rocked up fairly high on our list. When he isn't debating in the streets, relaxing in his many establishments, stroking one of his many flourescent cravats or gunning people down left and right, this Don likes to unwind the old fashioned way - a whoopee cushion under someone's bottom and a pie in their face. That's how the life and soul of any party likes to roll. He, at least, had the grace to look sheepish when we took a snap of him. The horror.
Number 1 - ScreamingBorat.
It was only fitting for the host's birthday that someone from his city took the top spot. It was the daring New York Underboss/Temptress ScreamingButterfly, who stole the words right out of everyone's mouths, when she showed up in this delightful green number. We aren't really sure who she was meant to be, but nobody really seemed to mind all that much. If you've got, flaunt it. If you don't, well, you can always take TheSandman's approach and hide your face in shame. Ugly bastard.
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A Day in The Life
By Bob Liar
Word up mother fuckers+. This is a day in the mother fucking+ life. ADITMFL if you like. You don't like it? You don't like our new street spirit? Well, fuck you. You're probably stuck in the past. You're probably some sad old bastard with no idea of what's going on in the world around you. No clue what the popular masses are up to or into. To be fair, most people are in to Colin; nuts deep in to him. It's beginning actually to sound like you might be Felicity - So far out of touch with the world that you can't see Evangeline's eating disorder around all the empty plates and chicken grease in her beard. Regardless, ADITL is getting down with the kids, and not in the way that sees Gwarble under constant surveillance by the Child Protection Agency. We're getting street mother fuckers+, and if you don't like it, you can jolly well nosh my nuts.
If any of you actually do want to nosh my nuts, I will pay market rate, and it will be quick fo' motherfuckin'+ sheezy. So ADITMFL here we are again. It's been a mother fucking+ funny* old week** since we last dragged the Remington Portable out of the cupboard and bashed one out. But thanks to the photo of Paris's aunty Freda that arrived at the office this week, none of us have had any trouble bashing one out. Except Colin of course; Colin hasn't been able to bash one out since the accident in wood shop*** when he was 13. Enjoy THAT mental image mother fuckers+.
Anyhoo losers (yes, I do mean Achilles when I say losers. And of course CrazyNine, but mostly lolcat (best dead, soonest mended, as my Gran used to say) and of course Gwarble himself). ADITMFL needs writing, and there's no mother fucker+ better than me to write it. Of course I expect at this point you would have seen the obvious lie there, and that's that there are probably 50 to 60 better people than me to write it, but given that most of you only pretend to read the paper anyway, you can all fuck off. Especially you Flash-Fire, you can fuck off all day long. So where was I? Oh yes. Fuck off Flash-Fire. I mean no, ADITMFL. So this week we (by we, I mean me of course. I keep this shit rag of a paper going. There's no I in team, but if you look close enough there's a 'me') decided that rather than follow someone around for the day, I should pin someone down (not the way Deimne pins people down of course. We don't want to be responsible for another serious of hip dislocations) and interview them.
Who better we thought than our very own new staff writer (one hit wonder Hoopi wannabe, and let's be honest at this point, anyone that wants to be like Hoopi has serious issues) Firefly. Firefly, as those of you that regularly pretend to read the paper will know, gobbled his way to publication last week and lead to LITERALLY no letters to fatty (Evangeline) asking for some more details about the new boy(?) at school. In-fact, Firefly's gender is in almost as much doubt as shelly's. Although not. Not really. Shelly is a massive freak of nature who doesn't know if (s)he's coming or going. (s)he should take a leaf out of my book. I'm coming. And then I'm going. Usually in Maldiva's dear old mum.
And so it is that I booked myself a private room at Cap'n Bob's and invited Firefly along for a chat. Little was I to know that Firefly was already there, because he had a work experience role that Colin had arranged for him. Below is the transcript of that conversation. I apologise if some of it makes no sense, but that's because once semen has dried, it's hard to read what was written underneath it in pencil.
* Ugly
** Evangeline
*** Of course it was no accident that Colin tried to reshape his very VERY misshapen penis on the lathe. Don't hate him for it. Hate him for his personality.
+ Of course if you are into mother fucking as I am, let me recommend Maldiva's matriarch as a fantastic starting place on your journey to spaff fountain. I'm sure you've all seen that trick that some street hookers++ can do with a cherry stalk. Well Maldiva's mum can do that with a judo belt.
++ Hoopi
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Interview between Bob Liar (BL and Firefly (FF)
BL: "So Firefly, take a seat."
FF: "On your knee sir?"
BL: "What?"
FF: "Sorry, thought you were a customer there for a minute."
BL: "Er, customer for what? Here at the Cap'n's?"
FF: "Er yeah, that's what I meant. I forgot you were meeting me here for a minute."
BL: "Well, I am a platinum card member here, so if you want to be sat on my knee for the interview, that's fine."
FF: "If you wouldn't mind Bob. The Cap'n gets funny about me talking to people that aren't customers. He burnt my nipple with a cigarette this morning."
BL: "Fine. Hop on up here and tell me how you came to be writing for the Barble."
FF: "Well, it's a funny story."
BL: "Is it?"
FF: "No."
BL: "Well, tell me anyway. I have fuck all else to write this week."
FF: "OK. Well, where to start where to start."
BL: "Anywhere would be a good start numb nuts."
FF: "What did you call me?"
BL: "Nothing. I have numb nuts fatso, shift yourself down my leg."
FF: "Sorry man, please don't tell the Cap'n. Anyway. I met Gwarble when I answered a lonely heart advert in the local paper."
BL: "A lonely heart ad? Really? I thought Gwarble was happy with the services that Colin was offering him?"
FF: "He said he needed more variety, he needed someone that wouldn't just gobble him off. Someone that would also write something for his paper."
BL: "But Colin has always said he would write for the paper?"
FF: "But did he? DID HE?! He never knew what he had! Yeah, fine, you can gobble off the editor. We can all do that. But sometime you have to produce some work. Colin never did. Never. He doesn't understand an editor needs."
BL: "And you do?"
FF: "Of course I do. I knew that as well as giving Gwarble the mouthy pleasure he loves so, I had to produce more. I had to write something for him."
BL: "And did you?"
FF: "I did. I made him a solemn promise that I would produce him some writing that he could be proud of. Week on week."
BL: "And what did he say to that?"
FF: "Well, at first he just groaned. Then he ejaculated, and then he offered me a weekly spot writing for the Barble."
BL: "Fantastic. And what are you going to write this week to keep up your end of the bargain?"
FF: "Nothing. I'm a waste of space man-whore."
BL: "Fair play. Now jiggle to the left."
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After the mutual (just mine) ejaculation and the twelve dollar charge to my membership card, I left Bob's for the night. An indeterminate time later, I returned to the office and typed it up, so that you motherfuckers (god, that's a dead horse flogged) could pretend to read it and tell us all how great the paper is. Of course I say us all. It's really just me and my good friend (pfft, I say good friend as I am contractually obliged to - I hate the cunt, but what can you do?) Gwarble, that produce this. Hoopi does fuck all. Evangeline just eats all our correspondence. Colin is too busy to work on anything other than Gwarble's penis, shelly is just a constant disappointment for so many reasons (most of which are genital based, and yes, you'll be disappointed whatever way you swing) and Firefly? Well, there was a one hit wonder.
And I guess that brings us to our competition this week. We had a bet going in the office this week that no one actually reads this paper. And you know what? We were right. But if you want to win the prize this week. You need to send a mob mail to Evangeline with the subject line "I read the Barble!" and a message body that shows how much money you have sent Gwarble this week. The mail with the highest financial transaction wins. What do you win I hear you ask? You win a date with Mittens, the slut cat. And let's be honest, who doesn't want to win that?
Get sending your money to Gwarble and your mails to Evangeline. Mittens is waiting.
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Las Idiots
by Gwarble
When Deimne announced that Las Vegas would be housing multiple new crime syndicates, everyone was a little unsure of who would survive and who would need a good old fashion shot in the chops. I can say with some degree of confidence that nobody really suspected that the last man standing would be Richard_Kuklinski.
We saw 'Anonymous Leader A' who whored some people, get shot in the face by Kerrrupt. I'd look up their name, but I really can't be bothered and don't feel they've earned my time. Suffice to say, they've snuffed it and we hope they've learned the lesson. Whoring is more than frowned upon. You'll catch a bullet that way. Possibly an STD as well depending on who your Godfather is. Watch out Bruiser_Jr and Luigi-Trabotti, that's all I'm saying.
Next, we saw some young gentlemen charging around talking about a coup from within Richard's family. It was all very sordid and more than a little amusing. This bubbled on for ages and it got to the point where everyone grew so tired of the little runts that even if Richard had buggered them on Hoopi's grave, the Barble still wouldn't give a shit.
Mystery bit the bullet as well, when another dazzlingly stupid performance from the 'clipper' bloodline saw him incriminate his leader. Kerrrupt once again came to the fore and took care of business. Mystery was wiped out, nobody really cared that much about it and tame, indistinct muscles got flexed just a little bit. Bravo.
Finally, the big day arrived for Kerrrupt, he was to become the big dog of Las Vegas - Godfather. He absorbed members from Richard_Kuklinski to reach his thirty and lo and behold he took out Cryptic. Congratulations. It wasn't rosy in Las Vegas for very long though as he rather unexpectedly snuffed it a short while later. Rumour has it, which you know by now is considered fact in this publication, that Kerrrupt was desperately hunting the members of Mr Durden's family. Unfortunately for him, he had a mental lapse and when he fired the gun it turned out he'd actually pointed it at himself. I kid you not. Well maybe I do, but let's just accept that what is happened as it is hilarious.
Pollo-Cacciatora decided to step into the void left in the wake of Kerrrupt's suicide. He sent a nice mail to all the leaders, who then began taking bets amongst themselves on how long before he did something laughable. We didn't have to wait long and it was RampagingFox who won the leaders' sweep, when Pollo decided to have himself a piece of lolcat. It is a little unfair that he's being held responsible for this, after all his hand was guided by fate in the form of the Barble death list. Admittedly, the killing of Memphis_Raines was entirely his work. Why couldn't you have taken out a couple more chumps? Those voices in your head are just our way of punching you playfullt in the arm and saying 'Nice work man, SpaceMountain next.'
This left Richard_Kuklinski at the sole survivor in Las Vegas. Well done chap. Try not to do anything stupid like walk in front of a bus or eat your own heart as your predecessors have.
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Medical Corner
By Bob Liar
It's a little known fact to many, although they will have suspected, and a well known fact to those that know it, that CrazyNine has a serious medical condition. For many years this condition has been kept secret by those closest to him, until recently when those two people gathered together and held a unanimous vote declaring him a fat C. Once they had done this they decided that the truth should get out.
It's a little known medical fact, albeit well known to those that know it, that pretty much all parts of the human body are linked. And I don't just mean in a "knee bone's connected to your nut sack" kind of way as a song might put it. I mean more like the chain of a bicycle (drop cross bar version for the Nickjes amongst us). Those that understand the principles of reflexology (which is an ology FFS, so therefore must be FACT) or reiki, will know for FACT that this link exists. For example, if you were to squeeze your little toe on your left foot, there is a strong, strong chance that you would piss yourself. And anyone that has seen and smelt the front of my poncho lately will know that this works.
It's this link between human bodily functions that isn't working correctly for poor old CrazyNine. It's broken as if it has been struck a blow by Colin's massive face. And I know this is true as I have paid a considerable amount of money to three dodgy physicians, a professor of bodily functions and a medical journal publisher to make it true. The fact is that CrazyNine has a terrible problem with a blockage of one of his Qi's. The Qi in question links CrazyNine's nasal passage with his anus, and the resultant blockage means that whenever CrazyNine sneezes, he shits himself.
Yes, I am sorry to say ladies, gentlemen, assembled simpletons, poodle-haired CrazyNine wannabes and all-round lazy bastards, that CrazyNine suffers from "The Schnits".
Now, I know what you are all thinking. You are thinking "Please fuck off Bob", and who could blame you for that? You have all spent too long hanging around with Achilles at his Nan's place, playing pontoon with his three new decks of animal penis playing cards. But you need to be aware, that in this heightened time of hay fever and summer flu, there is a 74% (the good folks at Harvard worked that baby out on an abacus motherfuckers) increased chance of CrazyNine sneezing, and therefore a much greater chance of you being present when that sneeze results in "Old Screamer" (a nickname that has stuck since boarding school in Zanzibar) shitting his pants, leaving a murky brown puddle that reminds you of Gwarble's eyes.
Spare a thought if you will for his poor mother who has to do his laundry every evening in a Cement Mixer - He refuses to wear the man-nappy that the family doctor insisted upon. Spare a thought for that poor poodle, which CrazyNine had specially imported from Berlin to live in the marital home he had created for it in the garage at his Mum's house. It's no laughing matter for a gay show dog to get diarrhoea out of its fur, even with a steam cleaner.
It's not known at this time where CrazyNine picked up "The Schnits", as some say that it's only transferable by appearing in German scheisse movies, when a manoeuvre known as the "Cleveland Steamer" goes horribly wrong and ends up a foot and a half north of the targeted chest area. Whilst no one knows if CrazyNine has ever taken part in any such film, what we do know is that he spent three months travelling round Germany earlier this year, and has taken a German poodle, known as Hilda, as a wife in the last few days. And despite his protestations that he is a 'trail blazing fashion guru', we see this alternative lifestyle as a much more likely explanation for his taking to wearing lederhosen all the time.
I thought to myself that someone would have to talk to him about it. And who better than me? What? Pretty much everyone? Fuck you. I can do the sensitive bit, you wankers. I thought I would approach CrazyNine directly. Have a chat with him. Man to man, you know the sort of thing. Bring a gift round to his bedsit, maybe a nice bottle of something, or a copy of poodle monthly that he could enjoy on his own later that evening. Sit down with him and say "Gnarly bro" (as I am studying surfer cool by postal leaning) "gnarly bro, you stink you dirty bastard". And consider that one taken for the team, but sadly I couldn't find his doggy smut in any of the XXX rated pet shops on the north side of town, and getting within 50 foot of CrazyNine without specialist breathing equipment is nigh on impossible these days. I am sure he has stopped cleaning "down below" following a schnitting fit.
And so it is I find myself here. Having to warn you all that should you see CrazyNine starting to shudder as if a sneeze is coming don't smile and offer him your monogrammed hanky, which your aunty Brian gave you if you promised not to tell Mummy and Daddy what she did. Run. Run for your lives, for the shit fountain that follows engulfs all in its path, and the smell has been known to melt through solid steel from 50 yards. It's well known that the last schnitting fit is what really took Hoopi (RIP) from us.
You have been warned.
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Editor's Note
I feel obligated to warn you at this juncture that you're about to encounter something entirely out of the ordinary in the Barble. SINGER approached us and asked if he could do something. We assumed, like when Firefly disappointed us with his single entry, he would understand that the Barble is really just a medium to abuse people we dislike, which is pretty much everyone. Unfortunately, he appears to have missed that and trundled off to interview Deimne in what looks to have been a poor attempt at getting a date.
As we're all about class here at the Barble, I've decided to honour my policy of putting whatever anyone writes into the Issue. However, as I'm also about maintaining the standard of the Barble, I have produced an optional commentary to accompany this issue. Feel free to enjoy your usual cup of horseshit - here.
Alternatively, continue on below for the interview as it happened in all its cringe-worthy glory.
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SINGER Interviews Deimne
by SINGER & Deimne
SINGER:
Well first off let me say thank you Godfather it's a complete honour and privilege to be here with you!
I would like to get on the beloved side of The Godfather of New York, in order to see what it is about you, which makes everyone love you so much!
First off what is it would you say about you that makes you so beloved? Not just New York but by every aspiring mafioso?
Deimne:
Deimne shifts a little uncomfortably in his seat.
You're not hitting on me? Are you?
Personally, I'd suggest I'm not even known by a great majority of mafiosi, never mind loved. That is an incredibly strong emotion that would require a very in depth knowledge of me and my character. One I don't believe that many, if any, could or would feel for me.
Some people will respect, trust, fear, admire or envy me. However, I'm sure there are just as many who hate, loath, despise and contemn me.
A quote by Marcus Aurelius commonly comes to mind when discussing leadership..
Waste no more time arguing what a good man should be. Be one.
There is no sense in spending time wasted on what makes a good leader or a strong leader. People should just seek to use the skills that they possess to be the best they can be. While I wouldn't suggest I'm an overly humble man, I'd never suggest that I'm flawless or anything of the kind. The skills I hold seem to get me by, seem to keep those around me happy to put their trust and me and pledge their loyalty to me... so it seems to work.
To suggest I'm loved by all... definitely not the case. No man ever has or ever will be. I'm not sure any would ever really wish to be.
SINGER:
SINGER pours a drink for The Godfather and pours one for himself.
I'm not big on alcohol Godfather I just drink water and lemon.
So back to the interview...
SINGER smiles at the questions.
Growing up in this thing of ours what do you think helped get you to where you are?
Was it certain virtues you carried, the people you knew or was it just you and your gun?
Deimne:
I'm a strong believer in everything that happens to us in life has a dramatic impact on our lives. Each and every act we carry out, discussion we have and person we meet, all combine to make us the people we are today.
Sure, some will have larger impacts than our lives than others. I wouldn't be in the position I am today without the help, guidance, friendship, loyalty and motivation of a very select few. However, I wouldn't be the person I am today without each and every event which has transpired to lead me here, the good and the bad.
I've always been a laid back man, thoughtful, determined and hard working. All of these things have assisted me in getting to the position I'm in, but even with those qualities, without the people that have been around me over the days, weeks and months that I've been in New York, I certainly wouldn't have been able to achieve what I have.
SINGER:
So, as you know this is for the Barble and I took something I thought would be quite fun and put a list of people's questions together, that they would ask Godfather Deimne if they had the opportunity to do so:
John Saxon, 20 - "Godfather what was it like the day you became 'Godfather'?
Stephanie Dill, 34 - "Why do you choose to live this life?"
Tommy Williams, 10 - "Can I be like you someday?"
People all over want to know you and know about you. One of the best questions that made me think was this one:
Quinton Sparks, 74 - "What is, so far, your greatest memory of being in the mafia?"
So, yeah, what is your greatest memory so far, Godfather?
Deimne:
John Saxon, 20 - "Godfather what was it like the day you became 'Godfather'?
It was all a bit crazy really. Given that the day I became Godfather was also the day that my old boss, friend and Godfather ThomasRourke took retirement, it was very much a bitter sweet event.
Combine that with the fact that I was attacked by the former Godfather of Saint Louis, Butt_Ox, inside of my first twenty four hours of becoming Godfather, it was all fairly crazy.
No doubt an unquestionable honour to achieve such a prestigious position, but the circumstances that preceded it, or followed it, definitely left me a little shocked and very saddened.
Stephanie Dill, 34 - "Why do you choose to live this life?"
I never made a decision to join this thing of ours, it just kind of happened.
My family always had ties to cosa nostra, so growing up I knew a lot of the names, faces and how things worked in this way of life. When the death of my father meant I had to step up and make my own way in life, I turned to the one way of life I understood.
Tommy Williams, 10 - "Can I be like you someday?"
If you have a strong enjoyment of alcohol and enjoy getting into heated debates... I see no reason why not! Aim for the stars, but keep your feet on the ground. Follow that simple outlook and you'll go far young man.
Quinton Sparks, 74 - "What is, so far, your greatest memory of being in the mafia?"
To be really honest, what I find the most enjoyable and the most memorable events of my life would to others be fairly uneventful or unmemorable. Family achieving milestones they only dreamed of, private conversations with those closest to me and seeing someone I helped start out in this thing of ours go on to achieve their potential. They all stand out hugely to me, yet would be fairly insignificant to an outsider looking on.
To me, life is all about family. If when I pass on I can say that I always gave everything for them, I'll be happy as the life drains from my body.
SINGER:
Godfather, I know you are admired greatly within St. Louis as well as many other cities, I want to thank you for taking this time out and allowing me to interview you. I turn over the final comment to you Godfather, ff there is anything you would like to just say to anyone or anything, please feel free!
Deimne:
Thank you for taking the time to chat with me. I always enjoy taking the time to discuss life and current events with an upstanding literary publication such as.... hold on? This is for the Barble? Deeze. Just wasted my time so.
I should have guessed when I seen you taking notes with a crayon. I can even see Colin's teeth marks on them.
Gets to his feet, finishing the whiskey he had been nursing throughout, before heading for the door muttering something about Hoopi and four missing penguins from the local zoo.
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I bet you've gone back for that commentary now haven't you? I don't blame you.
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Obituaries:
I've decided that no publication of any sufficient calibre is complete without an obituaries section. In our walk of life people die and they will be honoured in this section. Unfortunately in our walk of life some people don't die and we wish they would have. They will also be honoured in this section.
People who have died
...can be found here.
Lazy bastards.
People we wish had died who actually died:
Once again I have names to scratch off my list and it brings a smile to my face just like always. The curse continues to rip its way through MafiaReturns like Bob Liar on Firefly's bottom. Soak that one up.
lolcat - It didn't take us long to get our man. Man? cat? Idiot? Regardless, he's gone and nobody misses him. People went to his funeral as a token gesture but they came to the Barble's wake/party right after. There wasn't any mourning going on, just raucous celebrations in Standard English and high brow games of boggle. It. Was. Wild. Felicity tried to lower the tone by suggesting a game of strip Trivial Pursuit. She was quickly ejected.
David_Webb - Finally. It was well past time someone put this chump out of his misery. He'd been clinging on in a coma for months after knocking the Barble, but fate wouldn't let him free. It punished him for his folly, choosing to keep him alive as a vegetable rather than end his suffering. I hope you've learned the consequence of defying the Barble. Not always a quick end and certainly not painless.
People we wish had died:
Sexy_Submissive - I've no problem with whatever weird sexual shit people are into. We have Bob Liar as a writer and he's been known to apply the principle of snow angels to a semen covered floor, so believe me that isn't the reason. I hate all this "<3" people lark, but I think 'the rational half of my brain' has to be the most pathetic one I've read to date. Death wish list.
HayDubs - Had literally never heard of you prior to strapping on the bold and you sell profile pictures, which I have on good authority are rubbish.
SimbaTheLionTamer - Get a grip. What sort of name is that?
Firefly - Due to your catastrophic performance this week, which has amounted to a grand total of jack fucking shit, it is only fitting you die out of shame. A real man would end it themselves. Obviously that's why we've had to resort to this, as you haven't.
Anyone using a different font - Yeah, I'm putting it out there. Default suits most of your anonymous idiots anyway. Don't bother with the oh so hilarious "lolz totally replied in a different font" joke to make me hate you. I already do.
People we think rock list:
Not Crazy_Innocence - Good idea this list. Nice work.
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Acknowledgments
What can I really still have to say after all this? This is possibly the longest Barble so far if you count the commentary option that I included. Bob Liar did himself proud this week, Hoopi passed away and his loss isn't felt at all. By anyone. Not even Mittens.
I'd like to offer hearty congratulations for Firefly, who after only just one article, couldn't muster the effort/intelligence to produce anything else. I think even by lowly Barble standards, that has to be some sort of record.
I'm really not convinced we'll be renewing SINGER's contract either. I say contract, I just mean I won't be responding to any more mails from him.
Well done to Gwarble who still steps up and delivers. What a man. What a hero. What an inspiration.
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Something like a disclaimer:
Yada, yada, yada. You know all this jazz. Shoot us if you don't like what we've said. We've probably earned it as well somewhere.
Twelve. Hilarity.
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