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| CrimeWatch: Chicago | Started by: Ninja_Biscuit on Dec 21, '07 07:56 |
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From behind the red-stained, oak table, 'The Ninja-Biscuit' shuffled through a few papers, nodding on a few, skimming past one or two, but generally trying to look good for those people before him. It worked a charm, as ever. They sat eagerly, edge of their seats, anticipating his words. He didn't like to disappoint... "Good morning, good day and welcome to this, the seventh episode of our current series where we bring light to the criminals of Chicago and reveal them and their deeds. He hadn't done the sixth episode...infact, this was the first, but saying seventh made it sound more professional. The reporters were dumb anyway, couldn't dig up their own information so were here to used his. Bless them "We'll spare you the usual jargon and simply skip straight to the first of our pressing issues." He turning in his chair by about twenty degrees, just like they did on the TV for dramatic effect, and looked dead ahead. "Word is rife on the streets that a new Mob Boss has taken over the runnings of the city. It's claimed he's the most feared man currently walking Chicago's streets....so naturally we went to ask for an interview! Alas, dearest George didn't come back and nor did the cameraman so we can infact conclude that this does seem a likely portrayal. The leader, known only as 'Gaara' -- probably an acrynom for something, but we'll update that in the next episode when our researchers have looking into it -- did drop me a package though, as lead anchor of the show, which was delightfully blunt and to the point. The contents of said package was my wife's head along with a used, Serbian condom and an assortment of cigarette cards. The message was quite clear, and even now, it makes me shake. How powerful must a man be for him to be able to import condoms from Serbia?" "Distressing, I know. As our researchers uncover more upon Gaara's history, we'll disclose it straight to you. More to come on this story in future weeks" The Ninja-Biscuit turned back to face his original direction. "In other news. Sledge Hammer, believed to be the 'Right Hand Man' to Gaara, wears knickers. Red, laced and supposedly, with a rose fragrance. This, naturally, horrified me. I'd been missing a few pairs for a good few weeks now....thieving swine..." He coughed, painfully aware of the stares coming his way "Oh, like bollocks you've never worn your wife's panties!" "...as we were saying...The believed Right Hand Man apparantly has a great many duties he performs each day. He's been captured by our photographers walking in and out of the local club weilding a rather large and metalic pole. Normally, this is greased up when he leaves and also has several dollar bills stuck to it, however, we've as yet been unable to discover why. Updates to come later on" "Lastly, Rhett Butler, perhaps the best known begger of Chicago, has been spotted 'gold digging' in the casino's. Many of the cities wealthiest men traverse those halls and with long time singe Rhett on the prowl for a wealthy partner, one can only wish him luck. Whispers surrounding the activies say that there may be wedding bells in the not-too distant future. Reccomended gifts for the big day are believed to include Rabbits, carrots, some eye drops and a large vat of lubrication. What a lucky groom..." "Sadly, this concludes the episode for today. We'll whip our researchers -- quite literally...unless of course, the council are watching, in which case we'll be paying them overtime -- into working harder to bring you the most pressing stories of Chicago's underworld. More to come..." A final shuffle of his blank papers clinched the deal. He winked towards one of the women on the second row and mentained eye contact as she flopped to the floor in excitement. Yup, still got it... |
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