Mafie Zero’s is formally the biggest and most successful tabloid column of our fair land. Back in a time where we had EIGHT whole cities. NY was run by a Tyrant so harsh he makes Disorder look like a kitten and caused the great Keypunch to be put into exile for 7 years.

It’s back bitches. Hide this from your kids, hide it from your crew leaders. Hide it from anyone you hold dear. Because it’s time to get truthy!

[All articles in this publication are the rantings of a mad man and have almost no grounding in reality. This is for comedy purpose and maybe a little bit of information…..mostly lies and rantings of a drunk. Enjoy at your own risk.]

LE HERMANDEAD

FuegoSteve and his associates were taken out after tacos from his truck made HairMonster violently expel the contents of his lower bowel, resulting in a poopy mane situation.

South Side has been wiped out. To the dismay of all employed by the taco king “Big Daddy Fuego”, he and his Captain Toaly were forcibly removed from their homes and promptly executed. While many wept at the loss of Steve and while most accepted the status quo Mr. Hair provided, being a member of The Loop I have the inside scoop on what really happened. 

One fine sunny afternoon, MonsterHair decided to treat himself and his capos to a lovely taco meal over at La Hermandad HQ. Whilst they were delicious, savory and had just the right amount of spice…Well, there’s no eloquent way of saying this… The taco’s over at La Hermandad… while not poisonous, made me and more importantly Mr.Hair have the worse diarrhea of our lives. While I could escape fairly fine, only damaging the porcelain over at my own base of operations. I was called in to help… clean Mr.Hair.

HAVE YOU SEEN HIS HAIR?! YOU KNOW HOW LONG IT TAKES TO COMB A MASSIVE TACO SHIT OUT OF THAT MUCH HAIR?!

It was brutal. 

Therefore, we had to put Steve down like the dog Mr.Hair looked like. Muddy and brown in all the wrong places.

While I wish Steve the utmost peace in the afterlife I hope he knows that the images I saw the night after eating those tacos will haunt my dreams for the rest of eternity. 

Escaping The Void

TheNihilist’s wishes of the void were finally granted as Disorder releases him from this mortal coil.

Oh TheNihilist…..Nihilism to you plebs is the belief in nothing. As a wise strapping lad once said “Nobody exists on purpose, nobody belongs anywhere, we're all gonna die. Let’s read Mafie Zeros.” 

Chicago and Las Vegas had decided that it was finally time to teach New Bork the meaning of nothing. And over the course of a few hours, they were all released into the void. Spiraling out. Except for Don Jamala, who in a valiant effort made sure to pass of the teachings on TheNihilist to as many who would let her get as close to her as possible.

And after all of that help from the two remaining super powers, all the children of the fallen came forward and gave us the biggest profit exploration in years. Which we’ll cover down below!

FUCK DRUG DEALING. Crimeless money making will get us out of the Depression: Mining Salt.

It worked for India, why do we still risk our freedom?

Over the past few wars (Takedowns) there has been a huge influx of children coming forward in the streets crying. “Wahhhhh Disorder is a tyrant” “Wahhhhhh that was unfair” “ERMERGERD BULLSHIT”

Little did you know that inside all those tears was salt. Precious, valuable, delicious salt. Let us trade in our white powder….for more white powder.

LEGAL POWDER.

Release the Salt Mine. Sell your drug fronts. This is the way of the future.

How Is She Alive?

@Lilith not dead before Godfather: World stands stills in disbelief.

The most selfish, greedy, backstabby female bloodline has achieved the rank of Godfather. Despite her reputation as the leader of the infamous group of “molsonite” miscreants, and the mother of Fuckerish, she was allowed to ascend to the highest peaks of the crime world. How long she will last….who knows?

Tales from the free city The Detroit Chronicles.

Detroit is the current free city. For a small fee and rental costs, anyone is free to try their luck as a crew leader. This will obviously lead to absolute mongoloids being in power.

These are their stories.

Minarika had a crew, they were fine….I guess. She had a LH called Shiki that everyone wanted to murder for being an idiot. Someone from that family shot someone’s bribed officer. Tris being a “hero” tried to save the district by wiping out that family.

Tris also being an idiot lied and said Disorder had ordered her to shoot Mikarika. 

Tris died.

Moral of the story. Be a dumbass in Detroit so we can all shoot your forts and bodyguards. 

xoxox The Rest of the world.

A New Prophet has emerged on IRC Avenue

.......Me

Aside from being the best thing since sliced bread I have discovered an unnatural ability over at the Divine Cafe. Calling for the death of my enemies. (TheNihilist and FuegoSteve). Even though totally in jest, they have died. FEAR MY POWERS. Nostradamus has nothing on me.

Who will suffer the next curse?

Here’s hoping it’s Gaston.

And now for what you’ve all been waiting for….the titular reason of this paper existing.

MAFIE ZEROS

Mafia Zeros is a weekly article taking a deeper look at the people behind the ranks (and often times army of bodyguards). This week: WikiLeaks……an absolute no name C. No not Clause, even more useless than that.

WikiLeaks (absolute shame about the name, I feel like in 90 years that would have been the name of something absolutely groundbreaking) is a woman from the long bloodlines of Isabella. Apparently, she had a fairly successful run one time and then was killed off by that terrible disgusting tyrant Disorder. 

Whatever happened to that (not-so) great-great-great-grandmother was passed onto her children….by all accounts she’s turned into what almost feels like a cult leader except no one is drinking her kool-aid.

She runs up and down the street screaming in every announcement. (Thanks for all the salt. You’ve made me millions). She goes down OOC avenue asking for the heads of everyone. Mails every person (and will then tell the post office to stop giving her mail from people giving her shit back.) that would attempt to listen to her ravings. (She probably has some sort of sickness that causes brain damage....maybe [REDACTED: YOU IDIOT HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING THIS IS HOW THIS GOT SHUT DOWN LAST TIME.]

Thankfully, the gods finally smote her. Hopefully she’ll go have a nice long trip to Australia, have a few generations eaten by the wild life and come back as a normal not psycho groupie cocaine crazy bitch.

This is kind of cheating; this isn’t an expose on someone. She was already a zero. I promise next time I’ll actually do something on someone of importance. Maybe Spike? No….. shit that would still be cheating, wouldn’t it?

Oh and LA exists. They broadcast what they do. Go find out what they do. I don’t care enough.

Till next week lovelies.

xoxoxoxox

Keypunch

Daria folded the newspaper in half and set it on her coffee table.  Lifting her glasses up slightly, she rubbed her eyes vigorously before grabbing a pen and paper.

Dear Keypunch,

It has been my dream for years to read a newspaper that was the equivalent of a verbal kaleidoscope. The lively, seemingly random jumps in topic rekindle fond memories of cocaine-induced mania. You've earned a subscriber in me.

All the best,

Daria

She turned to her bodyguard, Hamchop.

"Make sure this gets to the right place."

The large bodyguard grunted in compliance.

"And get me a fucking aspirin."

As she lay in bed recovering and recollecting the festivities from the previous evening as best she could while trying to defend herself against a ball of fir with a hankering for love and food she notices that one of her thoughtful bodyguards had placed a new publication beside her bed along with some aspirin and a big glass of water. As she begins to read the paper she shakes her head. 

Ahh, that  little miscreant Malachai... He's such a dear. Interesting read that's for sure, at least it's in large print! 

After reading it she tosses the paper to the side and snuggles back up to enjoy a day off lounging in her bed drifting in and out of sleep.

Kuku- looks at Malachai and nods.

This, my jumped up Mick friend, is just what make these Streets great.  It's like the Chuckle Knuckle that I've read about in history books.

You have the official Kuku seal of approval.

Top of the morning to you.

"Who will suffer the next curse? Here’s hoping it’s @Gaston." 

I will destroy you. js :P