Welcome to another exciting installment of Anselmo's Street Stories (A.S.S.). A lot has changed for our brawny protagonist Anselmo since A.S.S. Volume 1. No longer is he knocking over gas stations in the middle of the night for cash register chump change. He is now a well-respected Don in the great city of Los Angeles and runs a crew of fine Men and Women known as The Gorilla Cartel. Or is he as well respected as he thinks? We'll find out in this fascinating tale, where danger lurks around every corner. Hold on to your hats!

Volume 2: The Hit List

The scene opens up to Anselmo reclining casually in a barber's chair, getting his head closely shaved with a straight-razor as his trusted Friend Hickey stands guard by the door. Out the window, a young paperboy is seen frantically running down the sidewalk. He attempts to enter the barbershop but is stopped dead in his tracks by Hickey. Anselmo gives Hickey a nod and waves the young boy in.

"Don Anselmo! Don Anselmo!" the boy yelps in a panicked tone. "I was running numbers down by the news stand and overheard some mobsters.... I mean businessmen saying that somebody posted $7.5 million dollars worth of contracts out on you on the Hit List! Look!"

The paperboy hands Anselmo a piece of paper that reads 'Let this serve as a polite reminder that you will always be judged by your members actions and your assumed acceptance of such behaviour.'

"Hold on," says Anselmo calmly. "Are you saying there's a $7.5 million dollar hit on my head?"

"No! Someone put three separate contracts of $2.5 million on your head! EQUALLING $7.5 million!"

Anselmo looks up at Hickey, confused by the logic of somebody doing that. Hickey shrugs.

"OK kid. Thanks for telling me."

Anselmo motions to the barber to continue with his shave.

"But Don Anselmo... aren't you scared?"

Anselmo laughs

"Heh. Kid, that ain't scary. If you want to see scary, you should go check out Anselmo's Haunted Hell House! Located conveniently in the New York Business District."

The End

OK, it isn't so much a fascinating tale as much as it is another whorish advertisement for Anselmo's business venture in NY disguised as a response to the recent hits placed on him. Be sure to stop by his Diner the next time you are in Detroit as well. Thank you for tuning in, and feel free to provide any feedback you may have (good or bad) by filling out the comment card titled "Anselmo's Street Stories - Hate Or Love 'Em (A.S.S.H.O.L.E for short)

sureshot grabs an A.S.S.H.O.L.E. and lays it gently down on the table.  It reads:


<blockquote>A.S.S.H.O.L.E.,

Leave your comments:</blockquote>

"Ahh, I suppose I have a few things to say."  sureshot pulls a pen out of his sock before realizing that the back end of this one has been filed into a sharp point for, you know, arts and crafts and such.  A second pen is located in the young man's pocket.

"Hate 'em." he writes.

"Pardon me, not the story Don Anselmo.  The story was riveting, cathartic.  What I hate is the absolute cowardice of some anonymous motherfuckers out there.  To make a blanket accusation from behind a wall of anonymity rather than confront you like a man is A.S.S material for certain.  I remember a time when men carried themselves like men and had the cajones to speak up about things that concerned them.  I suppose that these days having a protective veil is more important than having a set of balls.

"Now I don't want to misrepresent things here.  As you say, the hit itself isn't the least bit concerning.  What concerns me are thought processes of these squirrely motherfuckers.  Are you so scared of getting your face caved in that you can't approach a reasonable man like Don Anselmo with whatever babbling bullshit you feel is worth 7.5 million dollars to express?  Grow a pair.

"And as for the advertisement, Mr. Anselmo- well played.  If this is all an elaborate scheme to draw business to scariest haunted house on planet, then I must say you have outdone yourself this time."

sureshot returns the pen to his pocket, deposits his feedback and exits left.

Agreed sureshot

let us not forget that it only took 100 mill to make people decide to wipe an entire city so there is something to be respected about hitlisters...

What grounds do you have for that assumption, Birdman? I highly doubt the hitlisting of recent times had anything to do with the Philly/LA war. In fact, if you'll read the transcripts of the altercation, the build-up for the war was immense enough. Sure, it may have been the so called straw breaking the camels back, but the hitlisting as you say, making people decide... Not so much.

I must agree with Sureshot, if you're going to hitlist someone, don't hide behind a veil. Grow a pair, and either knock them off yourself, or put your money right in front of your mouth and wave it around so we can see who you are.

Well in that case. I wonder what happened to the person who put the hit on CN and why they didnt have a pair.

Ashlynn frowns at the cowardice and moves on with her daily tasks.

Not many people these days have a big set of cojones.

At first, I thought it would be an awesome idea to save all my dollars to assist fate in hit listing Godfather SpaceMountain so that the Barble does not disappoint.

After speaking with the one of Los Angeles great Dons, Don Gwarble, we have come to realize that $1 would be more than a generous ransom for such a mans head.

Dean prepares his picnic basket for a trip to L.A.

So long as it's not anonymous Dean.

James winks at his old friend and throws a stick of salami into the picnic basket.

I hear they're holding some sort of parade... That might come in handy.

Evangeline is packing my basket. I know for sure I will be traveling light.

The Barble gets them all in the end, fear not.

It is simply marinating, becoming more potent.

Sylvestro reads A.S.S. Vol 2 with growing excitement, by the end he decides he too must fill in an A.S.S.H.O.L.E. He pulls out his large and impressive pen. Shaking a little drip from the tip, he begins to fill in the A.S.S.H.O.L.E. with short but powerful jabs.

Don Anselmo, this is an interesting turn of events to say the least. I couldn't help but point out a couple things that appear obvious to me. There are only three ways those three hits could have come into existence. One: The hitlister upon putting up the first hit notices their own witty style and intellect is far superior to everyone else. They cannot help but put up two more equally witty and intelligent hits. In this case you are looking for a loudmouthed egomaniac who thinks they are smarter than everyone else.(No it wasn't me.) They should be easy enough to spot because by a twist of fate the last two witty hits had the words obscured, this will cause bitterness and outbursts of rage in the guilty party because those were the best ones and they didn't actauly right them down and now they are lost forever in the ether.

Two: John Q Youngblood sends out a request for 2.5 million to a few friends, he plans to use the funds to put a hit on you. When he gets three separate gifts he puts up three separate hits so no one is disappointed. In this case you aren't looking for anyone, they will out themselves soon enough at this IQ level, as a bonus they will also out their contributors.

Three: They know you all to well and realize that one hit would never keep you down, you will have to be killed at least three times for it to stick. In this case you are looking for the person who always flinches when you walk by. He or she is a scared little bastard. Good luck my friend.

Sylvestro Carollo

let us not forget that it only took 100 mill to make people decide to wipe an entire city

You couldn't be more wrong. Whilst the hitlist entry might have been an easy link for people like yourself to make, it was actually inconsequential to those from LA, CHI and NO that coordinated Philly's removal.