You're sitting at your usual spot at the bar, when she glides into the room. What a knockout, you think. What's a dame doing in a place like this? But what's this? Is she actually approaching you? She pulls up a stool next to you and asks for a light. "My lucky day", you think. But no, she's not here 'cause of your rugged good looks and irresistible manner. She came because of your reputation. The reputation of a man without a conscience and with nerves of steel. Her eyes brimming with tears and voice shaking with rage, this gorgeous gal tells you that her husband has been having an affair with the maid for months. He even threatened to leave her! She's on the brink of ruin and a simple "accident" on the way to work ought to do it. A man who is dumb enough to betray such a wonderful doll like this deserves to die. What's left of your conscience is easy to appease ...

It's half past eight and her husband is leaving the office. That a fat sweaty guy like this could have a woman at all is a mystery to you. You have a sneaking suspicion that it's not him who's after the maid, but his wife who's after the gardener and wants to get rid of her rich husband. Such is life! The real reason doesn't interest you. Two quick steps and you're right behind him. Bang, Bang! A couple of bullets at close range and he drops dead. $1,500 is what you get for your services and the wife ... well probably, a million-dollar fortune.

Unfortunately, I got stuck with her as my right hand woman. As if that was not enough, it turns out I was a lousy shot as well. I am told that Colin is still alive and now spends his time with a beautiful woman named shelly. Poor Hoopi, he really did think he stood a chance.

No worries Hoopi, perhaps one day a shelly will drop into your life.

Now that's a true story folks!

I knew a shelly once, he...I mean she...was a proper dame. Then (s)he went off with one of the Barble writers...and I use the term writer quite wrongly. Mascot at most. He was a giant though. I'm over it. Whatever.

I no longer spend my days longing for shelly or avoiding phone calls from Evangeline. Mainly, actually, I now avoid phone calls from TheDean asking if we can be "mates". I've only got room for one 'I-don't-actually-like-them-but-they're-suicidal' mate in my life. Stick in there Maldiva.

I hear Maldiva is still pining for Iota.

Hmmmmm

Maldiva assured me her suicidal tendencies had ceased when I finally got round to returning her telephone call.

What some women will do so that they can declare their love for you……

Sid she was actually pinning Iota to the ground after my contact details. Which as anyone in this thing of ours will know pinning Iota to the ground is second only to trying to wrestle the giant Cam.