The ancient Chinese wizard, Confucius, once said, ‘What you do not want done to yourself, do not do to others’, before he cast his gaze upon the hordes of Mongolian cavalry beyond the Great Wall and shot terrifying bolts of lightning from his fingertips. He died that day, having used up the last of his spiritual energy transforming into a blood dragon and ravaging the invading legion once and for all, but not before his indelible mark on history had been made.

Folks, what you might not know about this old Donald is that while I am a man of many talents - a remarkable amount, if you were to count them, but you probably couldn't - history is one of my great interests. Having spent such an enormous amount of time communicating with the most knowledgeable people in the world – I am on a pen pal basis with Rhodes Scholars, people - I’ve learned a thing or two in my time. And now I’m going to open up this Trumpcyclepedia for a moment to teach you all about a little something called the past, because we can learn so much from it. 

I’ll continue with another man, someone very much like me, who was good with crowds and tutored by an orator nearly as iconic as myself, Aristotle: his name was Alexander The Great. I know, right – The Great? Absolutely fantastic, and his Christian name too. Mother was a fortune-teller. Saw it coming. You'd think she could've used that kind of foresight to become Mom The Great, right folks? But what separates myself and old Alex is that he gave his crowds weapons and called them ‘armies’. That’s the kind of ingenuity it takes to be a history-maker. He just went out and conquered! Much like I have seized the hearts and minds of America. Really, it couldn't have been that hard, as up until that point all conflict had been resolved in the arrangement of a few days of crude Pagan sex festivals – nowadays, we just call that the Democratic National Convention!

I'll tell you another story, this one about a French lady named Joan of Arc. Total witch, people. Burned at the stake. But what made her special was the crowd that day. Millions of people. One of the biggest in history, ever. That’s what they tell me. At my speeches sometimes, people will say, ‘Donald, you’re really giving the Joan-burning a run for its money!’ But how can I compete? Sure, I draw millions to my biggest speeches. The people in this country love me. But believe me, you put some necromancing warrior-sorceress over a grill and you've got ratings like the Ed Sullivan Show. Another interesting fact: historians across the board agree, totally unanimously, that there is little doubt they got it wrong. Why else would those people have shown up? It speaks for itself, folks. If a yuge crowd chants it, it’s true. That’s something I personally know to objectively be a fact, and something history has taught us time and time again. Does the USA stop existing if we don't chant it? No. But does it exist more when we do? U-S-A! U-S-A! You tell me, people. 

Oh, the things we can learn from history. Remarkable. Who here will make history? Probably someone as incomprehensibly successful and wealthy as I am. I have never met a man like me, and I don't think one has existed, ever. I’m a pioneer. I'm like Lewis & Clark. The first people to live wild amongst buffalos, did you know that? Fascinating pair. Totally feral. When the army found them, they were licking fleas out of each others hair. But I can’t be the only one here writing his name in the books. Someone is going to make a name for themselves. Someone is going to shake this world like the fat on my thighs. But who?