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B613
Pick Pocket me if you wish me to beat you within an inch of your life.
The cash in my pockets is to keep me in Vindaloo
To: Rimmer
From: Lister
Sent: Jan 17, '16 15:25
Subject:
Savages in Liverpool thats unheard of you must have went to Manchester by mistake
To: Lister
From: Rimmer
Sent: Jan 17, '16 15:23
Subject:
I went to visit that Liverpool place you always go on about and the local savages kidnapped me!
To: Rimmer
From: Lister
Sent: Jan 17, '16 14:34
Subject:
Rimmer you smeghead where you been?
To: Lister
From: Rimmer
Sent: Jan 17, '16 14:29
Subject:
:)
It's cold outside,
There's no kind of atmosphere,
I'm all alone,
More or less.
Let me fly,
Far away from here,
Fun, fun, fun,
In the sun, sun, sun.
I want to lie,
Shipwrecked and comatose,
Drinking fresh,
Mango juice;
Goldfish shoals,
Nibbling at my toes,
Fun, fun, fun,
In the sun, sun, sun,
Fun, fun, fun,
In the sun, sun, sun.
[everyone is drunk]
Lister: What are you saying, Rimmer?
Rimmer: I'm saying that there is a very real possibility that your parents were brother and sister.
Lister: Hey. I'm pouring me heart out here.
Rimmer: How many toes have you got?
Lister: Ten.
The Cat: Yeah, on both feet.
Lister: Altogether.
Kryten: They're not webbed or anything are they?
Lister: Look, they weren't related, all right?
[Kryten falls off his chair]
[Lister takes the witness stand]
Kryten: Name?
Lister: Dave Lister.
Kryten: Occupation?
Lister: [looks bewildered for a moment, then answers] Uh, bum.
Kryten: Sir, would you describe the accused [Rimmer] as a friend?
Cat: Take the Fifth!
Kryten: Sir, please answer the question. Remember you are under polygraphic surveillance: Would you describe the accused as a friend?
Lister: No, I'd describe the accused as a git.
Lister: Rimmer, don't take this the wrong way but how could you be the next Ace? I mean, you're a gutless, spineless, gormless, directionless, neurotic, underachieving, snivelling, cowardly pile of smeg. No offence.
AR medieval King: Good Knight, bring me this knaves head on a silver platter
Lister (of Smeg): hey, steady!
AR medieval King: Then disembowel him and feed his innards to the crows
crowd cheers
Lister (of Smeg): This is worse than playing away at Leeds.
Todhunter: There are 169 people on this ship. You, Rimmer, are over one man. Why can't you two get on?
Lister: You see, I try, sir. I'm not an insubordinate man by nature. I try and respect Rimmer and everything but it's not easy, 'cos he's such a smeghead!
Rimmer: Did you hear that, sir? Lister, do you have any conception of the penalty for describing a superior technician as a smeghead?
Todhunter: [chuckling] Oh, Rimmer... You are a smeghead!
Rimmer: You've got a scar? When did you get that?
Lister: Those complimentary pens that the hospital guys were giving out - you know 'most accidents happen in the home, so be careful' once I accidentally stabbed myself in the head with one.
Rimmer: Where were you?
Lister: I wasn't at home, so I didn't feel stupid or anything.
Lister: Where is everyone Hol?
Holly: They're dead Dave.
Lister: Who is?
Holly: Everybody Dave.
Lister: What Captain Holister?
Holly: Everybody's dead Dave.
Lister: What Todd Hunter?
Holly: Everybody's dead Dave.
Lister: What Selby?
Holly: They're all dead, everybody's dead Dave.
Lister: Peterson isn't, is he?
Holly: Everybody is dead Dave.
Lister: Not Chen?
Holly: Gorden Bennet, yes Chen, everybody, everybody's dead Dave.
Lister: Rimmer?
Holly: He's dead Dave, everybody's dead, everybody is dead Dave.
Lister: Wait, are you trying to tell me everybody's dead?
Holly: *slightly under breath* Shouldn't have let him out in the first place!
The Cat: So what did you do?
Lister: Well, like, scrumping. When I was a kid back in Liverpool, we always used to go scrumping.
Kryten: Oh, stealing apples? That's hardly a crime, sir.
Lister: No, but me and my mates, we used to go scrumping for cars.
Lister: Well, then there was this one time at this hotel...
Kryten: Oh, lots of people take towels from hotels, sir.
Lister: I took the bed. I threw it out of the window to my mates next door. He was renting this flat, you see, and it was unfurnished.
Rimmer: You mean to say that you went into a hotel and stole the bed?
Lister: Stole the entire room.
Rimmer: Absolutely despicable! You're a common thief!
Kryten: Don't worry, Mr Lister, sir. I'm sure you won't be punished for some minor misdemeanour that you committed as an adolescent over three million years ago.
Lister: Seriously, Kryten? Do you reckon?
Kryten: Boy! I'm really getting the hang of this lie mode! That was totally convincing, wasn't it?
Cat: There's an old cat proverb that goes, "It's better to live one hour as a tiger than an entire lifetime as a worm."
Rimmer: There's an old human proverb - "Whoever heard of a worm-skin rug?"
Rimmer: Some kind of writing on the floor. P-S-I-R-E-N-S. "Psirens."
Kryten: The poor devil must've scrawled it in his death throes using a combination of his own blood and even his own intestines.
Rimmer: Who would do that?
Lister: Someone who badly needed a pen.
Kryten: Is anything the matter?
Rimmer: Anything the matter? They're dead.
Kryten: Who is dead?
Rimmer: *They* [*points to the skeletons of the 'surviving' crew*] are dead. They're all dead.
Kryten: My God! I was only away two minutes!
Rimmer: They've been dead for centuries!
Kryten: No.
Rimmer: Yes!
Kryten: You a doctor?
Rimmer: You've only got to look at them. They've got less meat on them than a Chicken McNugget.
Lister: It needs killing! If that means I have to sacrifice my life in some stupid pointless way, then all the better!
RazorRamon | Lister | The number one fan of our World Champion Idiot Legend
RIP SILK Always remembered never forgotten <3
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