The Rourke Moonshine Co.

Kryten: I ask the court, look at this man. This man who sat and failed his astro-navigation exam on no less than 13 occasions. This sad man. This pathetic man. This joke of a man.

Rimmer: Kryten, you're going over the top. The court will never buy it.

Kryten: Sir, trust me. My whole case hinges on proving you're a dork!

Rimmer: [Grimaces, then agrees] Understood.  

Rimmer: You've got a scar? When did you get that?

Lister: Those complimentary pens that the hospital guys were giving out - you know 'most accidents happen in the home, so be careful' once I accidentally stabbed myself in the head with one.

Rimmer: Where were you?

Lister: I wasn't at home, so I didn't feel stupid or anything. 

Todhunter: There are 169 people on this ship. You, Rimmer, are over one man. Why can't you two get on?

Lister: You see, I try, sir. I'm not an insubordinate man by nature. I try and respect Rimmer and everything but it's not easy, 'cos he's such a smeghead!

Rimmer: Did you hear that, sir? Lister, do you have any conception of the penalty for describing a superior technician as a smeghead?

Todhunter: [chuckling] Oh, Rimmer... You are a smeghead! 

 [everyone is drunk] 
Lister: What are you saying, Rimmer? 
Rimmer: I'm saying that there is a very real possibility that your parents were brother and sister. 
Lister: Hey. I'm pouring me heart out here. 
Rimmer: How many toes have you got? 
Lister: Ten. 
The Cat: Yeah, on both feet. 
Lister: Altogether. 
Kryten: They're not webbed or anything are they? 
Lister: Look, they weren't related, all right? 
[Kryten falls off his chair]