Rock-Paper-Scissors strolls down the Streets. This walk is a familiar one for him, because he was partial to a jaunt around the deserted cobbles and found it a particularly peaceful way to spend an afternoon. He was forever being bombarded for games of the world famous and much loved game of skill, of which he was a master, and had actually resulted in his beloved nickname.

This walk made for a nice break away from his fast-lane lifestyle and he savored every moment of it. He had won so many games of rock, paper, scissors now that he had stopped keeping score. He hadn't lost since the infamous glandular fever episode back in '29 when he was practically delirious. That still hurt though and his mind drifted to other, happier things. 

As he continued to walk, he stumbled across a conversation being held about the state of the Streets and how quiet they had become. He listened intently as the conversation transpired, pointedly ignored the idiotic musings of AlabamaWorley, and left with a heavy heart. What had happened to the streets? What could be done to bring people back to them? What could he do to make things better? 

These questions rattled around his mind as he returned to his house, shaped like an enormous hand in honour of his rock, paper, scissors prowess, and he sat at his table strumming his fingers. Inspiration struck him as he looked on his majestic digits, honed in the heat of battle, and he knew immediately what he must do.

Being a world famous rock, paper, scissors player meant that he had a finger in virtually every pie in the country. He had unrestricted access to the high and mighty and as a result, he knew many, many dirty secrets and many more things he guessed were probably true. He would collate these tidbits and release them to the masses which shouldn't be too hard given the recent breakthroughs in xerography. He thought that might interest people. He thought they might like to hear about the foibles of the great and the good. Yes, he thought as he picked up his pencil, this would be a good use of his time.

Rock-Paper-Scissors proudly strolled down the street handing out his latest works to anyone who would take a copy from him.

The Strip is Booming

Early reports have reached us which are suggesting that one of the traditional strongholds of the mob is going to be free from the vice-like grip of organized crime for the first time in recent memory. Reputed mob boss, Jemal "Tetley" Johnson, is believed to be stepping down from his stint as head of operations in The Strip, Las Vegas citing constraints on his time, money and wanting to spend more time with his young family that a managerial position at Celtic just wouldn't allow away from the limelight. 

Local women are believed to be rejoicing at the news, whilst local men are concerned at the hit this might have on the area's notorious red light district, which for many of them is the only way they have to speak to their mothers. AlabamaWorley was quick to reassure members of the local community that (s)he will continue to offer her nightly services although it is unknown at this point as whether or not she will actually manage to bed anyone. If the previous 30 years are any indication however, it seems unlikely. 

The announcement from Tetley was rumoured to be made to other established figures within Cosa Nostra and we were fortunate enough to reach some of them for comment:

What does this mean? What is going to happen now? First Roy Keane, now Tetley. We're a big club. Honestly.

- KingDemon, Consigliere, now deceased

I wish him all the best and thank him for his services to The Strip, Las Vegas. I haven't got much more to say than that, I'm just going to have a look around and listen to what peoples have to say I think. Yeah, that sounds like a good use of my time.

- Jacob, Don, Callisto

But the casinos are still going to be there, right? Nobody is closing the casinos are they? ARE THEY? ANSWER ME MOTHERFUCKER! CAN I STILL GAMBLE?!?!

- Striphe, Consigliere, Yajirobe

It's the ladies I feel sorry for. I don't suppose you've seen any of them around have you? Only Alabama? Never mind. I clocked a horny looking duck in that pond over there. That'll have to do.

- PantiesBeDroppin, Moron, Visas

I just want to congratulate Tetley on getting auth. He'll do a great job and I think he's the right man to lead The Strip forwards. What? He's stepping down? Oh right, well I'd look pretty stupid if you put this in then. You won't put it in will you? Good, thanks. I appreciate it.

- Freddy, Consigliere, Yajirobe

So what does the future hold for The Strip? We suspect that the matter will be referred to the Godfather Council to make a timely decision about who will re-establish the lucrative rackets in the district. Obviously nothing will happen right away as the Council have a lot of other matters on the schedule which need attending to first before any announcement can be made about The Strip. 

We were fortunate to receive a leaked copy of the agenda for the meeting from a source who wishes to remain anonymous. You can see the forthcoming agenda here. 

[Real Announcement concerning The Strip]

Rock-Paper-Scissors hands out a second piece of paper that should have been included with the first.

Protection Orders Save Lives

It feels like it happens almost every day; you are walking down the street minding your own business when you're accosted by someone important flapping their arms around in your face like some sort of enormous pigeon, squawking about how you can't shoot this guy or you can't shoot that guy. I walked past five of these birdmen on Monday alone and after the last one was finished spitting feathers at me, I'd had enough. I wanted to know why these bastards were stood on every corner spouting this bullshit.

"What the fuck are you doing?" I asked him.

He stopped squawking for a second, let his arms drop to his sides and looked me right in the eye "Are you stupid?" he asked.

"No" I replied, incredulous "I'm just wondering why you're in my face flapping about who I can or can't shoot. We have rules in our HQ about that sort of shit. I know I can't shoot them without my boss' permission, so why do I need you and your four fucking mates to get in my way to tell me what I already know?"

Birdman started laughing. It wasn't just a chuckle either, it was piss-your-pants, side-splitting laughter, like the kind you get when you hear an OOCitis joke. I didn't know what to do; I just stood there watching him, mystified. Eventually he calmed down enough to speak. 

"It has nothing to do with shooting people, idiot." He said, still sniggering a little. 

I was getting pretty pissed off by this point, so I shouted at him "Well, what the fuck does it have to do with then? I thought that was the whole point?"

"No man, cancer." He answered "It's about curing cancer." I couldn't believe what I was hearing and I guess my mouth was hanging open because Birdy started to explain "Doctors have told us that the best way to cure cancer is to come out into the Street and make a string of pointless announcements. The more the merrier really because it is all for a good cause. It is apparently most effective at killing the cancerous cells if Bosses and Dons reply to us saying they've informed their crews too."

"Cancer?" I asked.

"Yeah man. Now do your bit, get your boss to tell us he's informed his crew."

So there you have it. If you ever wondered why we get pointless protection order after pointless protection order, even though we all sign rules saying we won't shoot recently unsponsored members without express permission of our bosses, now you know.

It is to cure cancer.

And one final offering for today...

“Czylharz” Pips “The Fonz Appreciation Society” for Worst Mafia Name

In official polls leaked today, it appears that Czylharz (pronounced 'Chiselled Hard') is officially the worst crew name in Mafia history. The surprising result came after pollsters were asked to choose their least favourite crew name from any they could think of in recent history for the upcoming "Worst Mafia Name" comedy gala.

Many of the Chiselled Hard loyalists have been dismayed at the news and reject absolutely the overwhelming result of the poll. Jon "Jono" Jenkinson, being in the unique position as both ashamedly 'original' Czylharz and also RHM to the second worst crew name in Mafia history, the Fonz Appreciation Society, has released the following statement.

I find this result to be a hard hitting shame. Despite it, I have not once in my entire career been classed as anything other than "Chiselled Hard" to give my pride and joy its proper name, so I must continue to stay true to my 'original' roots. I think that maybe voters confused Czylharz with some other stupid sounding name, because there are certainly lots to choose from. What about "The Saints"? Have you seen how shit it looks in SophiaDevereux's quote? I meant honestly, a polished turd would look better.

- Jono, RHM, IronSight

The official award ceremony will take place at "Mandalorian Motors: A Mandalorian Diner" in Paradise, Las Vegas. Guests are expected to adhere to the formal dress code, black tie for the gentlemen and evening gowns for the ladies. CookieZombie will also been keen to avoid another wardrobe malfunction after becoming the show of the red carpet at last year's ceremony.

We have been reliably informed that the dinner menu is extensive with a variety of culinary delights awaiting the lucky guests. They can choose from a range of different dishes including pizza by the slice, large pizza, medium pizza, or you guessed it, small pizza. Mandalorian was quoted as being both "proud" and "suffering from helmet rash" ahead of his big occasion.

I was minding my own business, when a giant hand ran up to me. Normally when a giant hand runs up to me I drop my pants out of reflex. But this giant hand had three pieces of paper. He wanted me to read it, and I couldn't think of any reasons not to. The only important things I had to do today was be handsome, and to shoot the ugly fucks who didn't live up to my standards. Both cam naturally so I said why the hell not.

You deserve a Newsberry Award. Not only should you be given an award, you should be given an entire 72 hours locked in a room with Amelia Earhart while shes doped up on aphrodisiacs. Good stuff, chap. Good stuff. 

lronSight stands there scratching his head,

"With names like Annwn, Fort Izzel, Fort Annwn and Bebop being impossible to pronounce... and names that make little to no sense like

The Secret Society: If you have a secret you're not supposed to tell people, moron

Vicious and Delicious: None of you are delicious, I've bitten a couple of members and I'm now awaiting an STD test so I'd know, and your leader is about as vicious as a kitten with a ball of yarn

The Arctic Monkeys: So creative

The Jelly Crime Syndicate: Jono's ancestor's attempt to convince the gay community he was one of them with his wonderfully pink and purple fortress

The Mundane Fortress: Fortresses can't be Mundane by nature!

The Rainbow Island Bootleggers: Seriously... what the fuck is that and what would that even look like. I'm terrified of what rainbow colored clown trying to convince me to drink more alcohol will appear in my craziest of nightmares now that I've really stared at this name...

Club Manovanni: Did somebody just name it after some random dude or how does that translate because I don't think it's Italian and it's bugged me since the first time I saw it

The Sophisticates: I have reason to believe your leader is a hooker! How sophisticated could you possibly be?

Dead Rabbits: Maybe that's scary where you come from, but to me that looks like dinner

The Purring Tigers: A name that was so feminine it convinced Jono he was gay... ofc the crew he was in Right before he founded his pink and purple fortress

---------

Just leaves me wondering if this was a two crew poll? You know?"

Vicious and Delicious: None of you are delicious, I've bitten a couple of members and I'm now awaiting an STD test so I'd know, and your leader is about as vicious as a kitten with a ball of yarn

I hope you didn't bite RuhRoh, you most certainly have something if you did... And if you think None of us are delicious then you've obviously never had a bite of Zmeika.

Rolls away playing with a ball of yarn

AlabamaWorley, I'm forced to inform you that a couple of your members are going to require rabies testing... Mako forgot to give IronSight all his shots. 

Thanks Chris! Rabies are sadly the least of our concerns, though.. we're riddled with all sorts due to my time as a prostitute. Sharings caring and all that, though.

I really wanted to come out here with something witty and excellent to say. However, I can not. I am to beside myself with laughter. Well played. Well played. 

- PantiesBeDroppin, Moron, Visas

If being a superhero to the ladies and showing appreciation for all they do to make theyselves look good for us everyday, from making they hair pretty all the way down to wearing nice heeled shoes to showcase they sexy-ass feet, makes me guilty of being a moron, well then lock me up and throw away the key! Your libel and misquotes isn't gonna stop me from appreciating them.

graceful yet masculine karate spin-kick in mid-air

Obesity - A Thing of The Past?

People are obsessed with making themselves look better. Everyone wants to fit into their bikini for a stroll on the beach or have a twitching, quivering six pack to impress the ladies with. I know I do. Alas, despite these good intentions, it is a sad fact of life that for the majority of us, the perfect body we see in magazines will always just be a pipedream kept forever at the edge of possibility by that extra slice of cake or fifth roast dinner we just can't help but stuff into our faces. Wouldn't it be great if you could eat however much you wanted and still look in amazing shape?

Well guess what? Now you can!

Scientists have recently revealed the latest so called 'super food' which leaves the body feeling replenished without causing the individual to gain weight. Supposedly, the food molecules react in an abnormal way with the body when consumed; meaning that when broken down, the food is almost entirely absorbed leaving behind no empty calories which heavily contribute to expanding waistlines. 

So what is this forbidden fruit we're all so longing to eat? Is it an organic vegetable or perhaps a genetically modified egg straight out of a lab somewhere? Amazingly, the answer is much more simple - it is none other than your run of the mill GOAT meat! That's right, GOAT. Scientists are hailing it as a nutritional miracle and believe it could soon replace all other food stuffs, with estimates suggesting 90% of us will be eating it morning, evening and night within the next 3 years.

As you can imagine, this news has been met with tremendous good cheer by local fatties and many of them are keen to get their hands on some GOAT as quickly as possible. However, not everyone is happy with the news. We were invited to the Headquarters of JohnnyNoName who offered us this comment on the breakthrough:

"I think the whole thing is laughable. GOAT? Tastes like shit and I'm not a cannibal. I wouldn't eat it if you paid me. But now the bloody media has got all these hungry fat bastards whipped up into a frenzy and they are crawling all over my HQ! Everywhere I look there is a lard-arse with a serviette tucked into his shirt! I haven't been able to go outside in three days in case some fucker tries to take a bite out of my leg! I'm King GOAT for fuck's sake! If these stupid motherfuckerinos think normal GOAT is going to make them look like Clark Gable, then they seem to think I'm some sort of fucking caviar! It is disgusting. What about my rights? Did anyone think of them?!"

- JohnnyNoName, King GOAT, Trapped in his HQ.

The impact this development will have on JohnnyNoName's operation in Queens remain uncertain. His supporters are holding a midnight vigil for him, hoping and praying he isn't on their plates by morning.

Visas listen to this tidbit of information she had spent time in Queens before the move to Hollywood in that time she had viewed JohnnyNoName with some affection now she was confused had it been affection? After all or was she viewing JohnnyNoName as her next cause? A confused look on her face as she looked to the Heavens for an answer.

Damn these scientific Breakthroughs.

And a final one for today...

US Import/Export Tax Row Affects The Bronx

There is an increasing pressure being placed upon residents of the busiest cities in America to consider the environment. We are bombarded on all sides from do-gooders and tree huggers demanding that we "think about the future" or "preserve it for our children" and we brave citizens do our best to studiously ignore these clowns and continue to do whatever the hell we want. But no more! The government have taken the word of these numpties a little too seriously and now they propose to increase the tariff levied on imported and exported goods and have determined to use the money raised to regenerate areas of damaged woodland, farmland or other green covered shit that we aren't interested in until the weekend.

The controversial move is unlikely to affect any of us regular Joe's too much, but it is expected to have far-reaching consequences for primary industries, with agriculture in particular being most at risk from these changes. The Farm in the Bronx has already allegedly seen unrest as a result of the proposal, with workers reporting fears from middle management about the future. One such worker was generous enough to give us the following comment:

"The bosses are shitting themselves. There are already rumours swirling around that Whatsername's upped sticks and headed east for higher ground because of this. Not enough money to be made now with these changes they say and if she goes, why shouldn't anyone else? Hell, she joined The Farm at a very young age, years ago! Who's going to tend to the potatoes or pull the carrots with her gone? Not me, that's for fucking sure."

- Ronin, Farmhand, Cantillon

The answer to that question remains up in the air and the outlook for the future of The Farm appears grim. Good farmhands are increasingly difficult to come by with degrees in husbandry already costing in excess of $7,000. These changes are unlikely to help matters and may even make prospective farmers pursue other easier and more lucrative fields of study like medicine or rocket science instead of toiling in the mud for their coin.

The Farm chose not to confirm or deny whether Whatsername leaving was as a result of the forthcoming increase in taxes, partly because they didn't want any confirmation to affect share prices, but mainly because we didn't ask them for one. 

We will keep you appraised of developments as always.

Wait, IronSight... How is Bebop hard to pronounce? It's a style of jazz ffs. I don't even know what an Annwn is. 

Crew Shortage in Paradise, LV leaves Thousands Without Work

Whilst the rest of the country attempts to recover from economic collapse, we are fortunate enough to be involved with one of the few recession-proof trades, racketeering, and our business continues to boom. The opportunities available to the entrepreneurial men and women of our thing means that more and more ordinary people are interested in joining our ranks rather than pursuing the more traditional careers, such as zoology or actuarial science instead.

Nowhere is the popularity of organized crime as a profession more evident than on the streets of Paradise, LV where according to the most recent census, gangsters now account for roughly 90% of the total population. Would-be ruffians are crowding around every corner, knocking over every joint and snatching the purse of any old lady they can find, with reports of purse snatching in the region up a staggering 4000% on last year's figures.

With the swell in the number of potential recruits, Cosa Nostra infrastructure within the district has been unable to cope, quickly being swamped by the increased demand for sponsorship. Whilst there are numerous crews already established within the area, none are able to accommodate additional members and the cries for more are reaching dangerous levels. We approached Chekov, Consigliere, for his take as someone on the front line:

"It is fucking crazy, man. Everywhere you go there is some wise guy trying to make a name for himself. I can't even take my kids out to dinner without being accosted. Right up to my fucking table they came while my daughter is trying to eat her Crème Brule, where are their fucking manners? I don't even know what the answer is either. We cannot accommodate any more members in our organization and everywhere else is the same. Nobody has any space! Heidnik, Kittyhawk, Replay, Sydney...everyone is packed to the rafters. We just can't keep up. We need another crew, or ten, as soon as possible!"

- Chekov, Paradise LV.

With unemployment being such a emotive issue and with Paradise, LV having like a million members in every crew and no space in any of them whatsoever, it is imperative that the Godfather Council move quickly to quell any unrest by authorising more leaders as soon as possible or matters could quickly get out of hand. Fortunately, a spokesman for the Council stated that they have things in hand and we should get a public announcement from Amethyst, as soon as someone provides her with directions to the Streets.

We hope to hear something soon. 

Mako Takes South Side Under His Wing - Blood in Feathers as a Result

When the young eaglet attempts to leave the nest for the first time, big bad Mummy eagle is there to protect it from harm. She makes sure that no predators can take advantage of the young and headstrong scamp, who has not yet grown into the strong and powerful bird of prey he will become. It is her duty and she is proud to do it. She is ever vigilant and always watchful. The matriarch of the nest, ever protecting her young.

So given that he's an avid birdwatcher, it was no surprise then that after losing daddy eagle Goku (pronounced "Pe-ter"), South Side were quickly enveloped beneath the warm and comforting embrace of Mako's wing. He wrapped the fledgling families of South Side within his mighty feathers, cooed to them softly and regurgitated food into their waiting, snapping mouths, assuring them everything would be ok.

Things flourished in South Side under Mako's watchful eye and sharp talons. The young eaglets began to find their feet; AlabamaWorley quickly discovered how to fly, Zmeika could soon split the peaceful sky with her shrill cry and RuhRoh learned to spot a leaping salmon from up to 3 miles away.

Alas, all was not well within the nest. Princess was keen to extend her wings and wanted to branch out and form her own nest as was Goku's wish. AlabamaWorley had been rumoured to be hoarding the prize fillets for himself, refusing to share the choice bits of fish with anyone other than Shadow and soon the other birds began to take note.

Mako called a meeting of the 303303 flock, while King GOAT JohnnyNoName ate grass and stomped his hooves on the ground below hoping to avoid any diners keen to eat his tasty flesh. It seemed they envisaged a different future for South Side, one likely involving more GOATs, TRUCKs or erinos, than was currently being permitted in Alabama's nest. JohnnyNoName grunted approval of Mako's plan and they struck swiftly in the early hours of Monday morning.

The streets were awoken to the triumphant and unmistakably familiar sound of a 303303 Godfather delightedly tooting his own horn. How dare these amateurs keep the choicest bits of meat to themselves? Leave the hunting to us, he cried as he beat his mammoth wings, for we are greater than you. Fortunately, he then did his bit for the sickly by making sure numerous protection orders were erected and acknowledged, dramatically aiding the battle against cancer in the process so it wasn't all bad news. 

But, with the bloodshed and the South Side streets deserted, what does the future now hold for the district? Will we see it hastily repopulated so that existing rackets (yeah, we're done with the bird analogy, back to Mafia) don't start missing payments? Will Princess become Godfather and usher in a new age of prosperity? Will the biscuit crisis that has rendered the Godfather Council immobile for so long ever be abated?

As with the answer to so many of life's great questions, only time will tell.