The Purged Man's Almanac
Issue II
Bringing you the unabashed truth since...last week.
Bloodline Gazette Renamed
I'm indecisive.
In an effort to be more accurate and socially acceptable, we here at the Gazette Almanac have chosen to rename the publication.
This is due to the fact that most people aren't actually being bloodlined. At least, not intentionally. They are falling to purges, which is essentially the same thing, just with less detective work.
For more on the philosophical difference between bloodlining and purging, please see page 3.
We particularly hope that LarryLongNeck approves, as he is the person we idolize most here at the Almanac.
Reader Feedback Review
Wow, what a response.
At the end of each issue we like to get a little feedback from our readers. Here is what you guys had to say!
First off, let's go over the multiple choice section of the survey and see what the people think!
Our first question was - "What did you think of our first issue?"
- It was glorious - 65%
- I'm on the fence - 21%
- It was trash - 14%
As you can see, the majority of responders felt we did a wonderful job in our first issue. Thank you to those of you who felt we were in top form. To those of you on the fence, we hope to impress you here in Issue II in such a way that you will spam us with kind words and glorify us to no end.
To those of you who thought it was trash I say only this - One man's trash is another man's treasure.
Question 2 - How do you feel about purging/bloodlining?
- It's a revolting tactic used by cowards - 56%
- Those on top must do what is necessary to stay there - 35%
- No opinion - 9%
Question 3 - DanGleeballs - Cunt of the year or Revolutionary?
- COTY - 65%
- Revolutionary - 21%
- No opinion - 14%
Winner winner, chicken dinner dandy dan!
Question 3 - Do you ever recall MonsterHair or Orange adding anything productive to our world?
Speaks for itself, methinks.
Question 4 - When it all breaks loose, who will come out on top?
- Other - 44%
- Niflheim - 41%
- Fuckerish - 12%
- LaFrat - 3%
The obvious favorite here would be niflheim, but the large percentage of people who chose other has me asking questions. I'm very curious as to who people really think would end up on top after the shit hits the fan.
Question 5 - How do you feel about divine intervention?
- Should only happen if the rules have clearly been broken - 68%
- Should not happen, ever - 23%
- Should be done regularly to avoid the same bloodlines always being in power - 9%
It seems the general population agrees with us here, that the gods should only step in if their commandments are clearly violated.
Question 6 - Will you be picking up next week's issue?
- Definitely - 85%
- Fuck off - 15%
Next, I'd like to share a few samples of reader feedback.
The Good
- Best thing I've read on (the streets) in ages keep up the good work (thanks!)
- Grin is a cunt. (We knew that)
- Great article, worth reading, keep it up! (We will)
- Wonderful read, please do keep it up.
- You're great, keep it up
- Loved it.
- I really liked this issue. Lots of good stuff, covered up pretty much everything of what we've gone through during the last period of time. Keep up the good work!
- I love you daddy (Hi Goodfellas)
The Bad
- your p smells like lead salad (You couldn't even write out the entire word? Incidentally, what is lead salad? More importantly, why are you sniffing my toilet after I urinate?)
- Admiral ackbar is a copy pasting member whoring douche with no skills (Thanks for the tip)
- Every player has their role in the story, if they are just a gun and it's all they want to be and it is working for them (as it is for some of the people you mentioned), more power to them. (I apologize if Toolbias' feelings were truly hurt.)
- Have someone proofread your paper for OOC. (Thanks HenriDucard, but as you so helpfully pointed out to my father when he asked for an example of this, there was only one tiny instance of OOC-itis.)
- Put your talents to better use then whining (Aww shucks, I'm talented?)
- you lack the hate increase it join disorder side. (I'll never join the dark side, never!)
- what group do you belong to? (The Purged Man's Almanac endorses no groups.)
The Ugly
- Your paper was great, but not nearly enough mention of LarryLongNeck. (Massive error on our part, will do our best to rectify this.)
- Whiney youngsters who are too lazy to do fuck all (I guarantee you more work has gone into these two issues than you have put in writing wise in your entire life.)
- Make less mistakes (Everyone makes mistakes, but mine are few and far in between. Tell me, what have you done lately?)
- you are a retard but I like it (I really don't think that was necessary. Sadface.)
And lastly, a couple excerpts of advice sent in from a couple of our readers.
- The regime needs to end or this (world) WILL die. If anyone wants to (send a random person money) (laughs) I have (gods) on standby ready to make a similar (world) but more like OLD SCHOOL (this thing of ours). [Wow. That one had a lot of OOC-itis. Somebody call Dr. Ducard!]
- Protip: Rogues please keep hitting hands or high ranked members. This will make sure that the regime will die out eventually. Unwork the work, make small ammount of damage, each shot counts. Weaken those you wish to die, and eventually a counterpart will overthrow them.
As you can see, we here at the PMA fucking loved bulleted lists. We much prefer our lists to be bulleted over our bodies, but alas, we live in a dangerous world.
That does it for feedback, on to the news!
New Details Arise Regarding August 12th Purging
We got the scoop.
As we reported last issue, the death of Don Lucky of Paradise, LV to apparent rogue activity brought on a stream of deaths all over the country as upper structures "scrambled" to find the culprits.
But new evidence from an exclusive source has been presented to the editor that turns this whole story upside down.
We can now exclusively reveal the the death of Lucky was NOT the work of rogue or rogues un-named, but in fact a witness statement catch operation carried out by those notorious heathens, Niflheim.
Other than being renowned as an excellent smoke ring blower, Lucky was relatively unknown outside of his crew and was therefore a threat to our cowardly overlords. However, his decent relationship with his upper structure and his mediocre rate of marksmanship had kept him off the purge list for much longer than has become the norm. It seems, however, that he had reached the point of no return and was too close to being able to make an impact on the city, for better or worse, and the head honchos decided his time had finally come.
Efficient oppressors as ever, Las Vegas and Chicago used this death and the resulting aftershock to execute another purge on a list of "unknowns" throughout their cities, pinning the blame on an inability to find the rogue. There they had a ready made excuse to purge the innocent while also ridding themselves of a possible threat in their own ranks. Claiming that they were unable to find the culprits of Lucky's death, they proceeded to murder any person who was witnessed on our shores within the hour of Lucky's fall.
Furthermore, we can reveal that LarryLongNeck's claim that funds were set aside to reimburse those who lost family members in the purging was just a ploy to further track bloodlines and no reimbursements have been paid out thus far.
It appears there really is no shame to the way this regime operates.
Rogues Running Rampant
Or are they?
The last week has seen a wave of rogue activity in the six cities. It appears that the discontent of the people is spreading like wildfire. Violinist and The-Northman were the most high profile rogues, with several other less effective youngsters taking potshots at members of Chicago and Las Vegas from the shadows.
The effects of these attacks have been generally lacking, although one prominent member of Las Vegas, Boss Cassiopeia fell to The-Northman. But the objective of the rogues obviously isn't the long game, or going after the big dawgs. That route has been clearly shown to be fruitless, as the chances you will die to a purge are 110%. Instead, they are targeting the lower level mafiosi of the cities that have their metaphorical boots on the throat of our world, trying to create as much chaos and upheaval as possible. LarryLongNeck's ancestors would be proud.
With no end in sight to the regime, this reporter sees no end in sight to the rogues.
HenriDucard, OOCMD
Our Hero in White!
Praise baby Jesus! The streets are saved!
We all loathe and fear those poor souls who have been stricken with that terrible disease, OOC-itis. Luckily for us all, the good doctor HenriDucard is on the lookout for infected mafiosi in our streets!
Anywhere the disease rears it's ugly head, Dr. Ducard is sure to pop up, his overlarge spectacles glinting malevolently as he ridicules the person before offering them treatment of his own concoction.
Nobody knows what is in his "anti OOC-itis medicine" (well named!), but this reporter is weary of accepting anything from a man who associates so closely with frail old Orange, who is so sickly he only leaves the HQ to spread his deadly citrus disease.
Fortunately for our good friend LarryLongNeck, he has yet to be stricken by this disease, and shouldn't expect a visit from Dr. Ducard anytime soon.
Weekly Douche-Light
Yay.
Every week we like to pick out one of our evil overlords and commemorate them for being excellent in the art of douche baggery.
We asked the readers to vote on who we should douche-light this week, and it came out in a tie. Bummer.
Popular options were Angy, Kharon, JoeKing, Disorder, Orange, Pollution, and DanGleeballs. Honorable mention to LarrySchlongNeck.
My intention was to go with JoeKing this week, as I do personally believe he is the douchiest of all. But it is the opinion of this reporter that giving him this honor would just inflate is already large, and meritless, ego. That and I'm very much anticipating him coming out and having another episode in defense of someone from his city.So I will instead be bestowing this week's douche of the week honor on FearlessJ.
No one knows what the J in Fearless J stands for, but after seeing his recent antics in the streets, I would have to assume it stands for "jackass." He has been in multiple verbal confrontations with unsettled mafiosi in the streets in the past few weeks. He appears to have little to no actual intelligence and instead resorts to such things as name calling and baiting his adversary, foregoing reasoned debate altogether.
Every time he opens his mouth he goes out of his way to ensure the entire audience that he possesses the largest penis in the history of mankind, which usually points to just the opposite - his general behavior points strongly to what doctors define as "fragile narcissism." He also tends to switch between first and third person, and we're not really sure if this is intentional and a further attempt to glorify himself, or if he is just slightly dumber than we previously thought him to be, which would truly be impressive.
He recently took to the streets, which is truly saddening as he has absolutely nothing constructive to add to our society. His speeches screamed of ineptitude and sexual confusion, not to mention hallmark signs of tourette's disorder. He was constantly shouting out "COCKS" "GAY" and "FUCKS" obviously extremely excited at the thought of these things. He even offered to mop up blood with his cock, which is highly disturbing, not to mention dangerously unsanitary. He also shouts out random letters like "lol" or "lmao" in place of laughter. This is an as of yet undiscovered ailment that should surely be looked into.
FJ is certain to be receiving a visit soon from the good doctor HenriDucard regarding his rather advanced case of "OOC-itis." We here at the Almanac pray he makes a swift recovery from his numerous diseases, and offer his immediate family and associates our condolences as they are sure to catch something from him.
Muzzles: Victim or Evil Mastermind?
Somebody get me the Hardy Boys!
The recent (unfortunate?) death of Don DonShaw from Las Vegas has led to the authorization of his former right hand, Muzzles. You've probably never heard of him, as he made a total of 1 (one) appearance in the streets prior to his auth. Obviously he had some other qualification that made up for his total lack of street presence, and surely deserved his chance at a family. Or did he?
Apparently, DonShaw went to bed while a rogue was active as he had a busy day ahead of him the next day. He left his operation in the hands of his right hand, expecting a routine rogue removal with no problems. However, leaving Muzzles responsible for organizing his protection shot proved to be fatal for DonShaw, as his RHM only ensured that he got himself protection, and conveniently neglected to find one for his leader.
There are also rumors that the rogues received insider intel about the fact that DonShaw was left unproed, and acted upon. Obviously we can't truly confirm this, but it's fairly obvious that something fishy was going on that night.
Furthermore, Muzzles was seen chasing the TylerDurden crew the other night while his fellow leaders were busy tracking and bringing down a rogue, Rock-Zombie. It's obvious he has his city's best interests at heart.
I can't think of any way to work Larry into this story without just tossing his name in at random, and I'm not that kind of journalist.
Sorry Larry.
Purging Vs. Bloodlining
Let's (not) get philosophical.
Recently the question was raised of the difference between purging and bloodlining. I will attempt to tackle the question in the simplest way possible, as one could argue that they are indeed the same thing.
Bloodlining is the practice of hunting down and killing a particular bloodline repeatedly.
Purging is the practice of periodically killing a number of people who either aren't trusted or are thought to be possible threats.
The thing is, as far as purging goes, it it's hitting a lot of bloodlines repeatedly, which is why people scream out about bloodlining. But in most cases, they are not intending to kill a certain bloodline, moreso hoping to hit a bloodline of worth when they do the purge. It's more of a blind shot in the dark as compared to a calculated removal.
I could talk myself in circles for ages on this, but I'd prefer not to as it really is getting late and I need to wrap this up and publish sometime before next week. Perhaps LarryLongNeck will be able to point us in the right direction?
How about we just stop both practices?
Kharon Appears in the Streets
Armageddon approaches.
Kharon recently made a rare appearance in our streets to commemorate the authorization of her newest captain, Muzzles. Sadly, LarryLongNeck did not appear with her - I'd have much rather heard his dirty scouse accent than what Kharon had to say. It wasn't a very long speech, as is the norm with these kind of things, but it did garner words of reply from several fellow Las Vegas mafiosi.
Generally, whenever Kharon makes a speech, it means he/she is trying get more info on her surrounding area. Usually her appearance precedes a war or takedown of some sort.
Those of us snapping at the heels of our overlords can only hope that something big is going to go down to shake things up. Perhaps Chicago's day is finally coming? The disgrace that the city has become would certainly merit removal, especially since four to five "cap killers" are rumored to be housed there.
Or perhaps Niflheim will finally make their long expected absolute takeover of the known criminal world?
Watch this space.
Riley Offering Pro Shots to Potential Rogues
He gave my dad a double!
After publishing the previous issue, my late father was hunted down in the Las Vegas streets and several attempts were made on his life, before he ultimately fell to gunmen unknown. I am surely headed for a similar fate, as the path we have chosen invites very little in the way of life span.
BigTony started off the fun by taking an ill-advised and unprovoked shot at Bloodlined before he lost his -48h protection boost. Having been assaulted, my father proceeded to take a potshot at a random Las Vegas member in retaliation. What followed can only be described as incredibly bizarre and lucky.
JacobTheFirst of Las Vegas was next to try to murder my father, and once again, he escaped unscathed.
Angy herself was next in line, and was promptly wackbacked, giving bloodlined the ability to shoot back at her, which he did several times in attempt to 1% her.
Riley was the last to unintentionally help Pa by gracing him with two failed attempts on his life, on a wackback and one a miss.
Finally, after around seven hours of good clean family friendly fun, my father was maliciously gunned down by assailants unknown. It was probably LarryLongNeck, that beautiful beast of a man.
Here's to hoping I have the same sort of luck tomorrow!
Weekly Questionaire
Fill it out, please?
As with last week, we here at the Almanac have prepared a short survey of sorts to gauge the public perception on things and garner reader feedback.
It can be found on the back of the paper.
Closing Thoughts
I need to make this shit shorter.
My closing thoughts this week are similar to last week.
If you have the power to change our world for the better, I implore you to do so.
If you do not have the power to change things, but would like to help us here in any way, please get in touch with us. Whether it be with monetary contributions or assistance with the writing of the paper, we welcome all assistance in any form.
LordLongNeck be with you.
Until next time, stay salty, my friends.
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