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The Mafia Newspaper by Melvin Started by: Melvin on Jan 13, '18 10:12


Editor-In-Chief: Melvin

Head Writer: Melvin

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Editor's Note

This is the new newspaper for the mafia.  I think you'll find it to be the best one so far, in that it has what the other newspapers we've all seen in the past and pretended to think were really good lacks; that gritty man-on-the-street with his ear to the concrete style of journalism and reporting.  Any big news that goes on in our underworld here doesn't need to be re-iterated in a newspaper.  We already know Softball-style interviews with Godfathers and crewleaders, info easily obtained from any speakeasy or street corner, etc, all shit we've been reading with our morning coffees over and over again for years.

This one will be different.  Stories and dirt you haven't heard before, because you lack the investigative skills and passion for reporting news to even know about this stuff much less be able to uncover yourself.  This will most likely breed immense jealousy from other publishing outfits and will encourage others to copy what I am doing.  This is all fine of course, just remember that this new style of gonzo journalism is revolutionary and that this newspaper is the original. 

And I'll be exposing schemes and dark truths about people as I come across them as well.  Possibly people of great influence and power.  Hopefully it won't come to that, but my journalistic integrity obligates me to expose these people if I find out their secrets and lies.  And of course if it's time to get the next edition out and I have no lies or schemes to expose I might have to make some up, but point being it's not a segment you want to see your name in so everybody watch their P's and Q's.

It should also be noted that all opinions expressed here and my own, but also yours as well, so no need for any disclaimers of any type.  We're all on the same page here. 

Here's some stories from this week you probably missed.  Hope you enjoy and please remember to tip.

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The Pickpocketing of Officer brianschueller

I'd like to preface this story by saying I'm not a rat, nor do I promote snitching or being a rat.  That being said, I did take a solemn oath (as do all reporters in the news industry) to bring the stories to the people and speak upon anything and everything brought to my attention.  On January 12th at 6:50 in the morning, Officer brianschueller was walking his regular beat when he noticed he could no longer feel his wallet in the back pocket of his department-issued pants.  Somebody had brazenly picked his pocket in broad daylight on the streets.  The culprit would have gotten away with it too if it weren't for our investigative prowess that was able to uncover exactly who that somebody was, and that somebody was @Toast.  Now any reporter worth their salt would never reveal their sources, but I assure you all that this is 100% factual and I have proof.

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Speaking of Pickpocketing: DariusBrasi

More of an anecdote than a news story but I have pages that I need to fill.  So the other day I get pickpocketed by @DariusBrasi, a mobster from Philadelphia.  He stole $5000 from me in my own home city of New York, which of course is very disrespectful and hurtful.  However instead of giving him the brutal and vicious beating he deserved, I used my skills of intimidation to give him a snarling glance and made a fist at him, the kind of look and fist that says "Hey buddy, you better give that back or else."  DariusBrasi returned my money and we left on good terms as gentlemen.  So the moral of the story is if DariusBrasi tries to pickpocket you, he'll most likely pay you back if you simply say to him "Hey, I saw that."  No need for a mug or any unplesantness like that And trust me you'll definitely know if it was him or not because his stealth stinks.  I know this because he's done this to me twice now and each time I spotted him.  Or maybe I just have a keen eye due to me being a journalist and such Anyways he's a good guy so let's all agree to not mug him.

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Shaggs Ponders Gambling

@Shaggs, a crewleader from sunny Las Vegas, came to the streets recently and posed the question Gambling, Is it Worth It?

I assigned a team of reporters to get an answer to this question and as it turns out, if you can believe this, it appears that gambling is totally worth it if you are winning, however totally not worth it if you are not winning. 

Anyways we appreciate Shaggs bringing this controversial topic to our fine streets and as a token of our sincere appreciation I selected a random member from his crew to be awarded $100,000.  That random person will be @TChalla.  It should be noted that my sources have also informed me that TChalla is probably one of the least deserving mobsters in the country to receive such a handsome and generous award for doing absolutely nothing, but random is random.  And if you question my team's research about TChalla being undeserving, we'll see if Shaggs comes out and says otherwise or proves my team wrong.  I bet he can't, which just proves my point that this newspaper is chock-full or hard-hitting and accurate facts.


Your accountant makes note that $100,000 has been wired to TChalla from your account. The note "Courtesy of The Mafia Newspaper and Shaggs asking a question" was included.

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So that's our first edition.  I already know The Mafia Newspaper is a shit name for a newspaper so no making fun of me please.  This is meant to be a no-frills kind of underground grassroots independent newspaper that relies more on its great news than all the bells and whistles we've all become accustomed to.

Please remember to tip.  I intend to use the money generated from this paper to hand out to other non-deserving members of our community,  Hope you enjoyed and be safe out there friends.

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Special thanks to Toast, Shaggs, DariusBrasi, and TChalla for inadvertently providing such great content for my news rag.  Keep up the great work all

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Sofia reads the paper then rereads the paper before tearing it to bits and throwing it in the nearest bin and storming off in disgust.

What utter utter tabloid garbage she had just read she felt dumber for having read it Melvin should be ashamed of himself for polluting us all with this garbage.

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Olivia had picked up a new newspaper that morning with her coffee. Called The Mafia Newspaper, she thought it would be fitting givien her current job, and maybe even have some useful information for a new worker like her. 

It wasn't. It had some interesting tidbits, but nothing actually useful. Still, she had to give the guy credit for trying, taking on a newspaper was a big task and Olivia didn't think she'd be able to write one herself so she couldn't exactly pass judgment. She was sure she'd even give the next edition a read through if and when it was released. Hopefully it'd be a bit more useful then this one was. 

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Napier grabs a paper from the makeshift cardboard stand, "why the fuck is this written on a napkin? Oh well, I need to take a dump, this will make some nice toilet paper. I hope this cheap ink don't rub off in my ass crack." He thinks as he heads to the nearest bathroom.

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