Issue Three.

Welcome to the 3rd edition of Priscilla Press - I'm ignorant! That's my new slogan, "I'm ignorant". Has a nice ring to it, doesn't it? If you continue to read, I will reveal how I got that cool slogan! Let the paper begin!

~~~~~~~~~~ 

So Hard To Say Goodbye.

By now, everyone has heard of the unexpected death of TheRabi. If you haven't, guess what you just DID! But the big myserty is "why"? Why did he die? I did some research and the only thing that I can say as of now is that he broke a rule. Had to be a big rule, since he was put to death. What rule could it be? My mind always wonders and I think I got down to the REAL reason why he was killed.

He killed a prostitute.

There ya have it! Exclusive news! That you will ONLY read in Priscilla Press. TheRabi was a man who kept to himself, or so we thought. He was an active member of the Prostitution District. He was always seen there. Nothing out of the ordinary...who DOESN'T go to the Prostitution District?! The night before he was killed he was seen with a young lady, who was a Prostitute. How did you know she was a prostitue Priscilla? Because everyone rides her just like a bus route, and she gives off the "prostitue" vibe. Are you stereotyping Priscilla? Damn right I am! Anywho, a reporter of mine said he saw him slap her. This wasn't to odd to me, because every now and then we have to slap a hoe. But then my reporter said he saw him punch her, she fell to the ground, he grabbed her by her hair and dragged her into a back alley where my reporter then heard 2 gunshots. Why would a Crew Leader get killed over killing a Prostitue? She was under 48 hours, thats why!!

So there you have it, the real reason why TheRabi was killed.

Don't believe me? Good. Because nothing I said was true (That I can prove). I pulled it all out of my ass. All I know THAT IS %100 TRUE is that he broke a rule. The world will never know the real reason behind his death, but we can all use our imagination and hope it had something to do with a young prostitute. It just makes the story more juicy!

~~~~~~~~~~

Business Is Booming!
Ahh, I love it. People coming up with new, fresh ideas to bring back attention to The Business Distrcit. Such a beautiful thing. It almost makes my heart skip a beat....almost. Check out some new businesses, and make sure you all go and visit!

Las Vegas - Exclusive Cars - Hybrids (FraDiavolo) - Vrroooom Vroommm Vrrooommm! You want to drive in style, right? Pull up to a coffee shop and see people's jaws drop because of how hot your car is??! OFCOURSE YOU DO! At Exclusive cars, we have the best cars to match your personality and that leaves a great impression! Everyone will be jealous of you after they see you in one of these HOT cars! Come get your car now!

 
The Young Minx Club - Young Gunners - The HOTTEST club to ever hit our shores. We have the best drinks, the best music and the best drugs! (Wait, did they say drugs??!!? You know I'm there!) Come visit now to get an experience of a lifetime!

Hotel Last Frontier - Hybrids (Cruel) - Whenever you need a rest, you want to spend time at the highest quality hotel around, with the best service, the nicest beds, and pillows so fluffly that you want to steal them! This is the perfect place to visit if you ever want a relaxed and high class hotel.

All of these businesses are TOP QUALITY! I wouldn't put anything less in this paper than the best. So make sure you ALL go visit ALL of these fine establishments! And tell them Priscilla sent you there, ya never know....you may even get a nice discount!

If you have a business that you would like to be featured in the next issue, message me here.

~~~~~~~~~~

Priscilla Help Me!

Someone needs my advice! I recieved this letter from man who is a hot mess and who clearly needs help. Here's the letter:

Dear Priscilla,

So were do I begin. Well as you can see I am indeed a pole, as you can imagine this inhibits my general lifestyle. Ok as im getting on in life I have come to accept my fate, forever doomed to walk this earth as a pole.

Now my major issue here is my love life. Ok so who would date a pole, your female right, would you date me? I think not.

I have even resorted to proper gander. By this I mean blatant lying in the local news paper’s lonely heart section but when the ladies meet me they lay me on the floor, as you can imagine I think my luck is turning but the just role me off down the hill in the opposite direction. Once i even told a certain female that my name Space-Pole is a sexual euphemism for my extremely impressive piece of manhood but upon closer inspection the lady giggled like a 12 year school gorl old jumping rope.

In short I am desperate, I need some advice, after all there is somebody out there for everybody right?

Can you please help me?



Signed; anonymous, damn, too late.

Ahh, Dear Mr. Pole.

There IS someone out there for everyone. Even you, even though you may be lacking in a certain department. Don't look down on yourself. There are many things you can do. Before you and your lady friend "whoopie", punch her in the eye. This way she will fear you. If she fears you, she will not laugh at your manhood. Plus, if you hit her hard enough, her vision will be messed up and you also may appear bigger. If that does not work for you, you can always...turn to men. It's the hottest thing to do now a days! But if you do not feel comfortable doing either of those, then your shit outa luck. But...I think I have one more thing I can do. LADIES OUT THERE! If you are interested in this man space-pole please leave a comment saying that you would like to go on a date. Priscilla Press Inc. will take care of all expenses if you would please...just give this lonely, desperate man a chance! Our reporters will follow you on your date to see how it goes. Afterwards we will interview you both to get your opinion on the date. SO ladies, I beg of you...give him a chance. He's a nice guy! At the least, you get a free meal. Soo....apply! Well, that's all Space-Poll. Good luck and I hope someone take my offer. PLEASE!!!!

~~~~~~~~~~

My First Love.

If you know me, you know I love Cocaine. Last edition, I let everyone know about The Priscilla Fund. (Which takes money to give to Priscilla, so she can get Cocaine, and write awesome newspapers!) Since then people have generously given money to it. Here is an update on how much the fund has recieved:

$420,000

Thanks guys. *Snort Snort* I appreciate it! If you would like to donate, I would gladly accept. I NEED MY COCAINE!!!!!

~~~~~~~~~~

You Sly Fox, You!

A new crew leader has graced our shores. Kong recently announced that he was giving auth to none other than....Sly. Now,I personally do not know Sly, except that he has great taste because he is a fan of Priscilla Press, but that's besides the point. He seems to be a man of integrity and class (Something that most people do not have). I wish the best of luck to him and his new ventures. The name of his family is called "214 N 34th Street". Hmm...different, and I love different things. His name got me thinking (As most things do, and yes! I have come up with a list of what his inspiration possibly was for that name of his family).

1. That's where he purchased his first whore.
2. Where he was first arrested.
3. He shot his first bum there.
4. He robbed his first store on that street.

Now, I hope it has something to do with a whore, only because I am so intrigued with those dirty sluts, but I do not know. Anywho, best of luck to you Sly, I wish you great success!

~~~~~~~~~~

Sizing Up My Competition.

It seems that every now-a-days has a fucking paper. Any idiot can start up a paper. (Including myself..Hehe.) I decided to dedicate this section to all of the papers that are out to day. I want you all to see how we size up to eachother.

Ghetto Gospel.

• Has a tendency to talk about the past. & By the past, I don't mean what happened that week, but what happened 3 wars ago.
• The whole paper is filled with quotes from other people. It's like, really? That's all you've got?
• Cute Layout. Kinda "BIG", but cute. 
• Honestly, nothing "Wow's" or entertains me. Just like any old BORING newspaper I would expect from a grandpa. Doesn't keep my attention. 

Mob News.

• Haha, I really like the guy who writes this paper, so I'm not going to be mean. Just look at that paper and compare it to the other ones, you will know exactly what I am talking about.

Huns Hearing.

• *Yawn*.
• This paper uses big fonts to make up for lack of articles.
• Unprofessional. RoRoG said it best:

"For future reference, when you quote someone you don't change their words. What is written should be word for word what was said. Its unprofessional for a journalist to do change words around."

• Lacks that special something, that makes it stand out from Ghetto Gospel & Priscilla Press. Easily forgetable between those two powerhouses of newspapers, and it misquotes people. Shame Shame Shame.
• Horrible spelling and grammer. Which are probably the two most important things that make up a good paper.

Priscilla Press.

• Brings humor to the news.
• She curses alot. (You Bad, Bad Girl You!)
• Adds fun little things to interact with her readers.
• Has unique articles!
• Promotes usage of Cocaine. (Once again, you bad girl, you!) 

Thats a wrap on my Sizing up the Competition! Hopefully they will soon see, that they should give it up and let me take over the newspaper business!

~~~~~~~~~~

The Results Are In.

Last issue, I asked the public to vote on what they thought about the "Robin Hood" scheme ran by Mr. JudgeDeath. And here is what everyone thought.

23.53% Thought he was doing it out of the kindness of his heart.

41.18% Thought he was doing it just to boost his ego.

35.29% Did not give a fuck.

The public has spoken. That's the end of that.

~~~~~~~~~~

Show Us Your Skills!

Recently, Petra came to the streets with something original and cool! It is a chance to show off your art skills! Even if you suck, please enter anyway, we love to see shitty entrants. They make us laugh! The work will be auctioned off. If you're good, you could possibly make a nice chunk of clean cash. Keyword: CLEAN. With this money, you wont have to worry about the cops coming after you. It's LEGAL! Now, don't shy away, becuase we are all so use to earning diry money. It's ok. We wont think any less of you (Then we already do). Read all about it Here. Now go....NOW! Show us your skills!

~~~~~~~~~~

Bye, Bye, Bye!

That's the end of this issue! Tell me whatcha think, and how much better this paper is than the other ones. Muaha. Life's a bitch, and so am I. Oh, before I leave, I would like everyone to read my favorite quote by one of my rival newspaper owners and biggest fan, Max-Hun: "Priscilla you really are ignorant, and it is wasting my time standing around here. When you become more open minded maybe we can have a proper chat. good bye." And this is how I got my cool slogan!

Bwhahahahahaha. I'm ignorant and proud!!!!!!!! Bye bye now.

May I point a little doozee out? I see there is actually on one real article about what has happened in the crime world, the auth of Sly. And all you have said on him is "Nice guy, like's Pris (fuck it I give up) press, wish him luck" oh and "I like new and different things".

Nice magazine is all I really have to say.

Ghetto Gospel.

• Has a tendency to talk about the past. & By the past, I don't mean what happened that week, but what happened 3 wars ago.
• The whole paper is filled with quotes from other people. It's like, really? That's all you've got?
• Cute Layout. Kinda "BIG", but cute. 
• Honestly, nothing "Wow's" or entertains me. Just like any old BORING newspaper I would expect from a grandpa. Doesn't keep my attention. 

Cut that last bit (Lol massive typo)

oh Makavelli, You missed one more thing, the death of TheRabi, what else happened in our streets in the last week? other than the same faces spamming the passer-by's by their silly stories?

Not actually I meant one, TheRabi's death wasn't covered at all she just put it there for space really.

Nothing much was publicized about TheRabi's death nor she had the reference to tell the true reasons behind his death other than he broke a rule and that's why he was removed...

I heard a nasty rumour that the Tribune was coming back.

You can add another competitor to your size-ometer.

Cosmo steps from the shadows and finds a couple of co-conspirators hanging by a street corner

So, in the last two weeks, four newspapers have sprung forth to our streets where once there were none.  Four hardy individuals; Sweeney, Priscilla, Max-Hun and Prophet all risking ridicule to put their (sometimes repetitive) opinions into print form.

Three appeared to have found their own niche, Sweeney with an up to the minute harvesting of current events; Prophet with a more heavyweight insight into the background of recent events featuring interviews with key protagonists and Priscilla with a slightly more barbed and tabloid-like approach with Max-Hun with his slightly too big for the length of people's arms paper yet to get that zing that'll come in good time

However, worryingly, two of the newspaper editors have ended up on mortuary slabs.  I’m sure there are “good” and valid reasons for this but you have to wonder……where was Priscilla in the build up to both of these deaths?

Coincidence or not?  I don't think so.  Given that Priscilla has failed to mention Prophet's demise in her round-up of the competition leads me to believe she has a guilty conscience. 

I look forward to see if Prophet's nephew has a take on this.

;)

Craig. Who give a fuck about the Tribune when the Bloody Tissue might actually make an apperance? Yeah. Exactly.

Good read as always Priscilla. Keep up the work. I know whats it's like writing alone..

A fine edition, Priscilla.  I appreciate the kind words.  :Sly wipes his brow:  I may have to contribute to that cocaine fund, after all.

I love this as always

Sorry I don't remember asking you to quote me on something I have said.

I don't remember caring.

Falls asleep while reading

"how much better this paper is than the other ones"

I do not concur

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. But may I ask you...who are you quoting?

That would be a quote from your mouth on your shitty paper.

Come on, Jonnie, is it really that bad? I mean it has the same spirit as some of the great publications such as the Gwarble Barble. It just doesn't have the humor, wit, or intelligence behind it.

Ha. Ha. You guys are characters.

Normally I would put you in your place, but since your a CL, I will keep my mouth shut.

You fellas have a nice day.

But wait, I will say one thing.

If it's so shitty, why would you waste your time reading it? That's what I don't understand. If something was that "shitty", I wouldn't even waste my time reading it...