The Byrne Notice - Issue 2

By Tara Byrne

In my experience, the biggest issue with newspapers is... well, issues. Sometimes they show up and vanish after a single issue. But not us. Do you know why? Because I care about mostly informing and slightly entertaining our world have had a few glasses of wine and I'd rather ignore all the other stuff you'd like to do. Let's do this!

Wait... what is this again?

Please see Issue #1. You can find it HERE

What's the point of this again?

To quote one of my forbears, "One woman's most likely futile attempt to intermittently catalog, comment on, criticize, celebrate, and consider the goings on of our world in the streets and the various business districts."

Didn't you get hitlisted for posting this newspaper before?

Yes. Yes I did. People suck.

Hey, I really don't like your formatting.

To quote part of my previous special edition responding to the hitlist:

Each story is separated into an easily readable chunk, which I think is a hell of a lot easier to read. It also allows me to compile it in pieces and have it ready to go, since I don't do all this in one sitting. It's possible that I could do it some other way, but I think it looks clunkier and messier, and so, like Bartleby, I prefer not to. 

How long are you going to start this paper out by asking yourself questions?

Never again. Next issue, we'll respond to reader questions/concerns in this space. If you have a question for our editor (Tara Byrne) please mail her with the subject line "Ask Tara".

Let's get to it!

Our Lead Story: Death Comes for the City of Angels

Earlier this week, our world witnessed a takedown of all operations previously within the city of Los Angeles. Led by Godfather Vincent_Mancini, Los Angeles had been a conglomerate of the operations of Mr. Mancini, DuClaw, and Riley. A devastating midnight salvo was launched against LA that sent nearly a dozen men and women to sleep with the fishes; although they managed to avoid the initial attack, Godfather Mancini and DuClaw found themselves in the same position a few hours later and the takedown was complete. Detroit did not emerge entirely unscathed, as it had to bury Boss Vela of The Ivory Tower, a woman well known to and respected by all those who visit our fine streets. 

Godfather Salvatore_Luciano appeared in the streets to offer an explanation of why this removal occurred- an act that we at this publication commend him for. There are always going to be people who disagree about the rationale for a removal, but I believe it is objectively true that our world runs better when the removal of a city is accompanied by some sort of explanation in the streets.

Godfather Luciano stated that Vincent_Mancini and Los Angeles were removed for the following reason:

Several points of concern ultimately resulted in this decision.  Activity as well as frequent underreporting and then the rogue led to an atmosphere that we were not comfortable with moving forward. We had several conversations on what to do with LA and it had us torn and we waited hoping things would get better but they didn't. We looked at others ways to handle the problem where Vincent was left but none of it worked. 

There were, of course, a couple wild comments that followed. In our humble opinion, the most substantial response was from Space-pole, who  stated:

while it is generally considered common practice to give some kind of reasoning it should also be used to get people out here and debating the logistics, healthily of course.  If my kin was a residence of LA and there was a speech of this, totally lacking in any sustenance, id be pissed not because my father or mother had perished but because the victors come out here with what can be described as a half arsed attempt to explain (irrespective of reasoning, as i am not privy to those) but on sheer lack of effort.

If you would like to read Godfather Luciano's statement or respond to Space-Pole's comments, please head over HERE

It appears that Los Angeles will not be empty for long, though, as earlier today Somnyoneshoe set up a headquarters in Pasadena. We here at TBN eagerly anticipate some sort of official announcement in the streets of Don Somnyoneshoe's new organization. 

Also emerging in the wake of this chaos was the public funeral of Vincent_Mancini, arranged by @Joe-Ligambi, Marie_Lucania, and other luminaries of our world. We commend Don Ligambi for this classy gesture, and encourage anyone who knew Godfather Mancini to visit HERE

In the wake of this bloodshed, we extend our heartfelt condolences to the families of the deceased members of Los Angeles, as well as the family, friends, and colleagues of Vela.

The Death of Joy

Additionally, we would be remiss not to mention that during this chaotic time of violence, Godfather Joy of Ballard, Seattle was shot and killed by a member attempting to protect her. Joy's death was a tragic shock to our community, as echoed by some of the many speakers who appeared at her funeral. Here are just of a few of the many kind words shared:

You were a consummate professional and always an absolute pleasure to speak with.  You had a fantastic run, and being the first Godfather to grace Ballard is an honor that I couldn't think of going to a better person. - Spaceman

RIP sweet Joy! You are one of the best CLs I had and will always have. You will truly and dearly be missed <3

So proud of you for this wonderful run you had. 

Sleep sweet with the angels, dear

Je t'aime <3 - Whippie

Goodbye my dearest Joy.  You were the muse behind so much of what Vesuvio was about.  You were the light that drew me to the West coast.  And most of all you were my friend. - Artie_Bucco

You are amazing 

You are kind 

You are lovable

You are funny 

You are my sunshine 

I love you <3

And I will miss you so so so so so so much - Coltrane

RIP. Very sad to see you here, most of us don't take part of a city with them, but you have since Seattle can't ever really be the same without you.  - Maurice-

If you're interested, we encourage you to visit Joy's funeral HERE 

We here at TBN extended our condolences to all who feel Joy's loss, and we give our best wishes of good fortune to FioUccello, who now assumes leadership of Ballard. Don Uccello has impressed us greatly so far, and we expect him to continue to do so as he, no doubt with a heavy heart, tries to carry on the legacy of Joy.

Weekly Spotlight: Story

There are some events that people just can't help but gossip about. While we never all know the details, knowledge of these adventures makes it way to the streets. But sometimes there are just so many stories it's hard to even pay attention to all of them.

If I had to pick one rumor to recommend checking out, what are the guidelines?

- High quality

- Short enough where it won't take up your whole day

- Able to listen to what's going on without needing a ton of background

In this week's recommended adventure, what happens when an Angel teams up with an Adonis? Murder happens. Check out more HERE

Classifieds

Were you looking for a fixer?

A driver?

Someone to hook you up with a gun? 

A boxer?

Or maybe an art connection?

Why not let The Byrne Notice know what you're looking for? Advertise your need here, and just watch who gets in touch with you.

Please mail in any classifieds with the subject line (which you could probably guess) "Classifieds"

A Rivalry Stained in Ink?

Recently, Kristoff made his way to the streets and announced his intention to start a newspaper. Let's break his speech down.

Hello all. I'm sure you are wondering why I'm here speaking to you all today.

I wasn't, actually. Way to assume what I'm thinking. Maybe I was thinking about sex. Or Abraham Lincoln. Definitely not sex with Abraham Linc- whatever, let's just move on.

Well to get straight to the point, I'm looking to start a paper. Except it's not an ordinary paper. In the past we have seen papers mostly written by one person. This one will be written by multiple people. Each article will be it's own(speech), open to feedback and discussion.

I'm going to mentally substitute out the word "ordinary" for "traditionally, wonderfully, excellent". Multiple people! Multiple people! I expect chaos. CHAOS. But honestly... I'm praying for you. In my experience, here's what will most likely happen: a dozen people will say "Oh my God, that's such a good idea!" And then you'll be like "so do want to contribute?" and half of them will be like "Uhhhhh" and then explain why they can't, but hey at least the other six will agree. And then you'll be thinking... gee willikers, six plus me- that's a great start! Until your deadline approaches and you've got two of them. So then you guilt two more people into turning out quick, shoddy work because you've got to publish this stuff now before it's out of date, and you never hear from the other two ever again. Later, you learn that one of them eloped and is happily married in Minnesota. So you wind up having to write the last few yourself. 

And then you're sitting there, exhausted, a glass of pinot noir in your hand, your brother Gavin snoring on the couch, and you think to yourself... gods damn it... it would have been easier to just publish this whole thing myself. 

I hope I'm wrong. But I may have had some slight experience here.

Each article will be under a common header so everyone can easily distinguish our paper from other discussions. This may seem unorthodox, but we will be keeping a close eye on things, and if my editors and I find that the streets are getting too cluttered we will take a step back and revise things. My hope is we will achieve a flow, with a release of multiple articles on the same(predetermined) day every week.

Interesting. I've got to warn you though, Kristoff. You should really check out my hitlist posting from the previous issue. You'll definitely be accused of something called "SPAM", which I can only assume stands for Spurious Posting All Mewspapers. Shit, I was so close. Anyways, expect some blowback for that one from my anonymous hitlister. If you need to buy one off, please contact me and I'll chip in to help you. We editors need to stick together.

So if you are experienced in speaking in the street, or if you are looking to try it out, and are serious about meeting a flexible deadline please contact me. I'd be happy to answers any questions or concerns here, or you can come talk to me in person. I look forward to seeing what can be accomplished when great minds work together.

 My favorite phrase from this is "serious about meeting a flexible deadline". That's not quite as serious as just simply meeting a deadline, right? And if it's flexible... well, then do I really have to be serious? Couldn't I just be somewhat focused?

A bonus note. These articles do not necessarily have to be discussion based, or opinion based. They can be satire, stories, etc. Anything that encompasses a news publication will be entertained."

Okay, enough teasing. Just teasing. Because we're practically siblings now, Kristoff. You're my brother from another publisher.

I sincerely wish you the very best of luck in your business venture. Here's hoping that you can repeatedly churn out something much more reliable and entertaining that what I do, so I can head to some tropical island, relax, and read your paper while consuming several drinks with little umbrellas in them.

Weekly Spotlight: Debate

There are two entrants this week, submitted to your gaze for very different reasons.

First, we had Camouflage, who questioned "Let's just imagine that you have a revolver.  Six shots.  Each one is fatal.  You want to change this world, for better or for worse, and remember we're just talking. Who would you wack?" Normally, such a quick, potentially inflammatory question would receive little attention. In this case, a god himself seemed to appear in our midst and actually offered an answer. That's got to be newsworthy. To see who Squishy named, please visit HERE

Continuing his battle to fill the streets with discussions, rather than simply actions and dialogue, JackMezzo questions "What were you expecting?" In this discussion, he relates the opinion of someone who said they expected "war, chaos, back-stabbing, and death"; Jack was curious how widespread this manner of thinking was, as he presented the counterpoint that the world is "growing as a community group, enforcing the idea that we can offer a period of stability and enlightenment, with a goal of opening the docks to more potential workers and removing the lock downs on our districts and cities."

In response, Tyki_Mikk argued that:

As long as the people who fight for peace are 100% dedicated to that cause and the people around them also abide to that way of thinking, peace can be achieved. It cannot be done without bloodshed in some form though as there will always be those who seek to lower themselves and give in to the seduction of violence, power or old grudges.

Godfather Spaceman opened his speech with the bold statement that "Those that thrive in chaos will leave a world worse than how they found it - dead stop" before mentioning how desperate people previously were for stability. He concluded by reaffirming that:

"a breakthrough in the potential to open up new avenues and growth -  is the endgame for many of us.  If that can be achieved in the time we have here, I'll wear that badge with pride."

Kizira, meanwhile, voiced a tripartite expectation for creativity, activity, and a community that flourishes in more than one area. 

Kristoff seemed complimentary of the current state of things, and expressed his hope that this becomes a "new normal". 

Orlin_Lang seemed to agree with Tyki_Mikk, largely, in stating that there is a balance between order and chaos, just as Leticia did shortly after.

Most recently, KillianQuinn stated that

"peace should always be preferable. Teaching and learning, growing and living. We should live our lives to leave an impact. No one lives forever, but our actions can have ripple effects far into the future."

What do YOU think? 

Is Jack naive to think that it's a time for us "to teach and grow, increase the size our community and" prepare "the new faces of this world for the days ahead and hopefully many years of walking this life"? Or are we destined for chaos?"

Share your own argument/opinion or respond to others HERE

Weekly Spotlight: Business

This week, I recommend you visit Marta's on Madison in the Windy City.

Advertised as the "best cappuccino in the city", Marta's on Madison is quite simply the most bustling coffee shop I've ever seen in my life. What draws so many people to come back so often? Is the coffee truly that delicious? Is it the place to meet up with someone? Or perhaps it's due to the charm of the lovely MartaCirillo herself?

I recommend that you drop in and find out for yourself the next time you're in Chicago.

Profile Reviews: Crewleaders.

In which the editor makes a frivolous evaluation of the public face each crewleader presents to the world and rates them on a score of one to ten.

A note on our grading scale, which is out of 10. Perfect is hard. I can't imagine anyone getting a ten. Nines are for the truly striking and amazing. Eights are very good. Sevens lack a certain something. Hopefully we won't have to go lower than that. Well, off we go. 

Chicago

Ghost--

Ooh. A strong first entry. Look at the focus. The... pure emotion. The all black suit? The perfect signature. I'd buy him a coffee. Rating: 9.0

Marie_Lucania

Did she just steal the coffee I bought for Ghost--? This profile is well presented. The thoughtful expression seems to underscore the statement that "heavy lies the head that wears the crown". Rating: 8.7

Yheti

I was expecting a fuzzy white monster. Instead, I got a hockey ninja. It's a stylish look, don't get me wrong. I'd just rate this higher if your name was "HockeyNinja." Rating: 8.2

JasonLeeScott

SHIT! AH! (Editors note: needed 30 seconds to calm self.) Well, I'll be having nightmares tonight I guess. This makes Yheti's profile look obvious by comparison. You hear "JasonLeeScott" and what do you expect? A man, I'd say. And what I do I get? Some girl or boy with long hair in front of a bonfire lurching toward me with a corpselike visage and a crown of thorns. Holy mackerel that is horrifying. I'm sending you the bills for therapy. But at least it woke me up? Rating: 2

Paul_Klint

Exhales. Okay. Back to normal. Better than normal- Paul Klint is a good looking man. He just needs someone in his life to have an intervention and ask him politely to shave. You've got a real nice face, Paul. Don't walk around looking like you missed a spot! Rating: 8.6

Detroit

Isabella-Luciano

And here, we have a masterpiece. Why? Is it the eyes, looking at you with interest? The mouth, poised to smirk? The waves of immaculate hair? The tower standing prominently in the background? The sky suggesting a peaceful morning? All of these- but it is especially the water, flowing outward and mirroring the energy of Isabella. Rating: 9.5

Salvatore_Luciano

Like father, like daughter. The similarities between Isabella and Salvatore are obvious, as she presents herself in a similar way. Here, Salvatore shines a spotlight on the city he has built, while his expression and stance show someone truly in command. The signature helps here as well. What can I say? I'm a girl who appreciates a good font.  Rating: 9.0

Becceh

I like this look. The dress is nice. And a vaguely cosmic background. A winning combo. Rating: 8.8

DeeSe7en

I love the main image- the horned mask. Very cool. But my eyes aren't as good as they used to be... what's even happening over there on the side? Too much going on for me to see clearly- why not focus on the main image you want to present? Rating: 8.4

Apache

This is a strong look. Distinctive, obviously. Love the background. Strong entry! Rating: 8.6

Flexx-Mitchell

A new entry! What does Flexx-Mitchell like? Hustle. And small tables that he sits on even if a chair is right next to him. And squares. Lots of squares. Still, at least he makes it look good! Rating: 8.3

Las Vegas

Dolores

"Fidelity". Dolores seems like she's answering a question that I didn't ask. Dolores, what would you like for breakfast? Fidelity. Dolores, what was the name of that girl who works at the escort service down the street? Fidelity. Who are you investing with? Fidelity. Fortunately, we agree that Fidelity itself is a great virtue. Rating: 8.5

@Joseph-Ligambi

A man of many looks. Each of these is solid, but the quantity alone adds to the effect. And yes, fine, I'll say it again: a nice signature! Who doesn't appreciate a good penstroke? Rating: 8.8

Carlo-Gambino

THE classic image. Often imitated, never duplicated. Well, not too often any more at least. You. Can't. Beat. The. Classics. Rating: 9.0

Los Angeles

Somnyoneshoe

Okay, I admit it. I'm intrigued. It's an older man holding one shoe. Is this THE one shoe and he's angrily demanding that someone tell him where his other one is? Or is he only wearing one shoe because this one is being used as a weapon. If you know the answer to this, please let me know. Rating: 8.4

New York

Jemaine_Clement. 

It's so simple. It's a guy. Dressed normally. Wearing glasses. I want to give this an 8.0- but do you see that look? What can I say? I'm pickin' up what he's puttin' down. Rating: 8.7

Shelley

A classy look for the "lady boss". I love the look- and I also feel like this is my favorite banner that I've seen so far. Strong entry. Rating: 8.7

Rafa

Simple. Unassuming. And the look doesn't have the same "it factor" that Jemaine's does. But bonus points for the quiet confidence. Rating: 8.2

Philadelphia

JackMezzo

I'm slightly biased here, obviously. But I'm a huge fan of this. Look at the ensemble: the coat (love the coat), the suit, the hat. The confident, nonchalant stride. This is a man who knows himself- and knows that he looks good. I mean, yea I'm biased, but I still swooned. Rating: 9.2

Spaceman

There's a lot going here, and a lot of it is positive, but I still feel like this is a missed opportunity. Spaceman, let's talk about a makeover. Rating: 8.5

Star

Stars tend to pull things in by the force of gravity, and this woman uses her eyes to the same effect. Classic, classy, and cool. Rating: 9.1

Arya_Stark

Cool signature. A nice look. But we could do more here, right Arya? Some variety? Some panache? Rating: 8.3

(Editor's Note: Thank the gods, it's our last city. I'm so tired. But we've come too far to stop now.)

Seattle

Coltrane

I remember a profile that was cool, suave, sophisticated... saxophony. Well, this one lacks all of that, but it still does pretty well on pure enthusiasm. Rating: 8.4

Toni_Sandberg

Jemaine_Clement's stunt double? Must be the glasses. Or the fact that my eyes are closing from exhaustion. Solid entry. Rating: 8.3

Tyki_Mikk

Four words: Badass Cowboy Gunslinger Demon. Only not higher because I am so very, very confused. Rating: 9.3

FioUccello

The perfect avatar of unkempt confidence. I can't say more, or Chelsea would cut off my fingers. Rating: 8.9

Oh gods that took forever. Come back next time when we rate the RHMs. Or abandon the idea because it took too long.

Late Breaking News: New Auths, Moves, and More!

In addition to Somnyoneshoe moving to LA, a few more noteworthy auths took place today.

Tyki_Mikk has set up in Seattle. Honoring the wishes of the late Joy, Coltrane gives Tyki_Mikk the nod to run his own organization.

Flexx-Mitchell has set up shop in 12th Street. Now that the McMasters are gone, it's time for the first ever crewleader to step onto 12th Street.

Additionally, there are some late moves on the West Coast, as Carlo-Gambino plans to move to Downtown LA, while Dolores plans to shift to Summerlin.

We look forward to seeing what these new leaders and new locales accomplish!

Conclusion

Well, that's it for another issue.

What to do if you didn't like this issue: Sigh in a superior fashion, toss the paper into the fire, and give a bemused expression to everyone you see.

What NOT to do if you didn't like this issue: Hitlist me. All hitlists should be directed at my business associate LoveGun. 

What to do if you like this issue enough to tip the editor and you have some disposable income: tip the editor

What to do if you like this issue, but have no interest in tipping the editor: Talk about it here in the streets. Recommend it to friends. Read it during sleepovers and giggle.

See you all next time!

- Tara

Correction: Flexx-Mitchell would not be "the first ever crewleader to step onto 12th street" as Apache would have that honor before helping auth Mr. Mitchell. 

Our heartfelt best wishes extend to both men!