You hear a commotion in the streets, a group of men in brown coats are removing covers and screens from a large contraption. The purpose of the machine is unclear to you. It is a curious instrument, it looks as if someone has nailed a confessional booth to a church organ. The machines wooden front is ornately carved around a curtained entrance. The curtain is open and you can clearly see a stool inside. Along the rear are a series of pipes, at least two of them are emitting smoke. Something that looks a lot like a steam-whistle protrudes from the top.

You notice a man with a bowler hat and a luxurious moustache step out in front of the device. He stands and admires it, placing his thumbs in his braces he rocks back gently on his heels and grins broadly.

The man begins to speak:

Ladies and Gentlemen, this is truely a proud moment for me. I come here to present an invention. Something that will revolutionise things around here. Something that no-one with a bit of spare cash will be able to live without! Something you will tell your grand-children about! No.... something they will tell THEIR grand-children about! Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you.........

the man pulls a cord revealing a brightly lit sign arcing about the machine

Insult-O-Matic™

This device will provide an insult to anyone who dares use it. There is a hatch inside, simply deposit $20,000 in to the hatch, pull the handle, and you will hear an insult all of your very own.

This machine is sweeping the salons and boudouirs of Europe! It is the latest thing in Milan and Paris, where all the fashionistas are swept away by this marvel.

But before you try it, remember this...... any insult is meant purely for your amusement, any resemblance to my voice is purely co-incidental, and most importantly of all...... no refunds.

So WHO will be the first to use the Insult-O-Matic and enter the history books as someone who led where others followed?

WHO is brave enough?

WHO is comfortable enough in their own skin to take it on the chin?

And who has some spare cash?

a man runs to the strange looking machine
puts $20,000 in the hatch
come on then! insult me :D

The flick of notes being quickly counted is heard, levers are pulled, chains and pulleys shift, steam blows from a pipe and a trumpet like device enters the chamber.

There is a pause

Oh my God! Look at you! Was anyone else hurt in the accident?

I find uneaten eggs insulting.

i feel... insulted...
i will take revenge on you machine

Sal approaches the Insult-O-Matic, all the while hiding behind a cardboard cut out of TonyCorelli - he empties $20,000 worth of miscellaneous change from his pockets and inserts it all into the machine - followed by a quick pull of the lever.

The man in the bowler hat pokes his head out from the back of the machine and whispers

Sal? Hey Sal? If you want this thing to work you have to ACTUALLY put money in, not just say you are. Understand?

That's not an insult by the way, they cost money.

The machine begins to shake, the smoke becomes thick and the whistle blows a shrill cry making some of the more nervous by-standers take a few steps back. You hear whispers, words like "disaster", "gonna blow", "waste of time" and "yawn". Suddenly an almighty THUMP is heard followed by a metallic CLANG! All becomes quiet, the trumpet like device silently extends.

There is a pause

Quite a long pause

Sal, you must have a sixth sense. There's no sign of the other five

This seems a very expensive service! For anyone who's interested, I do insults for free. Here's an example of work I've just taken from my portfolio:

"Twatty cunts"

If you're going to charge people to insult them, at least have the decency to come up with some decent insults.

"CrugeonFletcher".

Branston you are my hero!!! PERIOD

Hearing some course language coming from outside the bowler-hatted man emerges from the bowels of the machine again.

Gentlemen, I draw your attention to the name of the machine, it is an Insult-O-Matic™ it is not a Swear-O-Matic™, or a Deeply-Offend-O-Matic™.

And Mr Fletcher, I congratulate you, you seem have have stumbled upon one of the more subtle elements of the Insult-O-Matic™. I thought someone of great wit and intelligence would be the first to notice this, but I have learned to live with disappointment

Perhaps if this is a means of collecting money, I would buy a booth at the carnival. Or maybe on the steps of the business district. We're all criminals here, and granted you have an okay idea, one of two things will happen.

A) People will get fed up for paying 20k for an insult no better than the ones they get from a little sister.

B) Your machine may end up saying the wrong shit and you might get you and your machine capped and robbed and left on the corner.

Craig, I hope you die of aids.

What can I say Eggs? I live to disappoint people, just ask yer mum.

Like all self respecting mobsters, Branston had an overcoat. And like most decent overcoats, the pockets were huge. So huge, in fact, that they could even hold a 'pocket sized dictionary' - an item usually far too cumbersome to keep on oneself, despite the misleading name. In true mobster fashion, he opened the dictionary to the appropriate page and begin to read.

"Insult, a noun apparently. Defined as 'a rude expression intended to offend or hurt"

So, I could legtimately claim your machine is half baked. Many people find swearing offensive - ergo insulting. To lack profanity is to severely limit your ability to insult.

And furthermore, if your machine does not even have the capacity to deeply offend, then it certainly doesn't represent value for money!

I stand by my original statement.

I don't believe you need to swear to insult people. I said it does not DEEPLY offend. I am amazed to have provoked such a reaction. The purpose of this machine is to give light amusement.

Consider me lightly amused, sir! And certainly, I don't need to swear - but I don't need to masturbate 9 times a day either and it still happens!

SINGERROURKE stands in disgust.

Well that was akward. Eggs id be willing to pay you forty grand if your machine could say something affirming about me. What do you say?

You want me to put it in reverse? No can do, rules is rules see?