The cold hand of the salesman meets mine and I can't help but wonder what his name was. I really can't remember. The long nights dicing have been fruitful, but I can't help the feeling that sleep would be just as good. At least then Linda would stop complaining.

The feeling of numbness was stalking me as of late and I can't help to think it's that god damn job. I never wanted to be a lawyer, and I'm fairly certain I'm not even a good lawyer. I was always better with patterns and equations, but father wanted his boy to study law and be a big shot in a big town. It wasn't worth the fight. I still get my rush, among the cards and the dice. Nothing quite like the casino.

I can't help to think that signing this cheque is a mistake, but Linda needs a car. I can easily make this much money in a couple of nights. I think. If everything goes well, that is. I need coffee if I am going to drive home. Linda brought the car over, but she'll want to take the Pontiac home. At least she picked a sensible colour. Navy blue is always a good choice. Just like my shirts.

It has become some sort of personal brand, to wear blue button-up shirts. Growing up, dad never really wanted me to wear white ones. He said I'd look too much like a waiter. «Can't go wrong with Blue!» he said. Still echoes in my head some mornings. It's gotten me my nickname in high school.

Huh? Oh. Another handshake. These moments are always insufferable. I'm not interested in bonding with this guy, I just want to take my wife and the car home. I can't wait to see the two little shits playing in the garden, my white picket fence just waiting for me, have dinner, kiss the missus goodnight and hit the casino. Fuck it, I'll sleep at the office tomorrow. Pretend I have a meeting all morning long.

Finally, we can leave. Linda is ecstatic. I love seeing her light up like that. I'm definitely in for some fun tonight. Then again, after such an anniversary gift, I'd be worried if I wasn't. She just can't keep her hands off me... I guess the kids will go camp in the backyard tonight. Heh.

"What're you going to call it, sweet cheeks?" I don't actually care, but she doesn't need to know that. I know she likes naming all of her things. Even the fridge has a name. Marriage is about these little concessions. She pretends not to be bothered all that much by my gambling hobby, I pretend I care about Denny. Donny. Whatever the fuck the fridge is called.

Ahh, the sweet taste of a cigarette in the peacefulness of my car. I love these little things. The missus is happy, the kids are riding with her, I have no one to bother me and not a single care in the world until tomorrow morning. I can sit in my office with the legs on the table later and pretend to get some work done on the Lebowsky case before it's time to go have some fun and make some real income.

After all, life goes by far too fast for me not to enjoy these meaningless moments. Feels like yesterday when I met Linda for the first time. I still remember what she told me. "Hey Blue! Are you meeting the study group later?" I guess she had it all planned out in her head. We were both twenty, and for me, it's weird how I lived for twenty years without her. It's been another twenty with her and I can't imagine it otherwise.

Whites are coming up in my head, I see them every day in the mirror. I'm getting slower and wiser. All those things my dad used to mock me about, telling me I'd find out about them later on. I guess the old man was right, after all. If I told my teenage self I'd be agreeing with my dad at the ripe age of 40, he'd burst out laughing at such insanity.

I still have my rebellious moments, of course. Flinging a cigarette out of the car window, gambling my retirement money to cover losses at times, buying a car for my wife after a winning streak. But having kids changed me in ways I couldn't possibly imagine. They're little shits, of course. But at the end of the day they're my little shits, and I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world.

Life was good…  Bills were paid, wife happy, my little ones?  Well they were works in progress, but you couldn’t have perfection in every aspect now could you?  The important thing was that we were happy.  Day in and day out you have to make ends meet but you also have to do what makes your heart glad even if it didn’t always make the most financial sense.  And that was just what I aimed to do tonight.  With the family safely tucked into bed, the house properly secured, I would go off to have yet another of mine own brand of happiness.  We’d see just how far ahead I could get tonight.

Stepping into the casino that night was like stepping through the very gates of heaven.  The slot machines jingled joyously, the dice rattled across the table…  Even the grumbles of discontent from those not doing quite as well had a certain musical lilt to them.  Tonight was going to be a good night.  I could feel it.  Striding through the doors, I held my head high as if I were a king surveying my kingdom.  This was where I was in my element.  Not behind my desk.  This was my true job, a job I relished and loved just slightly less than my job as father and husband.  I smiled warmly as that thought crossed my mind.  This was as much for them as it was for me.  If I could just get lucky enough, bluff hard enough, win big enough…  We’d be set for life.  I’d seen some of the high rollers.  I’d seen the piles of chips cashed in for the largest of pay outs.  I knew what was possible and I ached for it. 

Perhaps tonight was the night.

So now to pick my poison.  I was feeling lucky so it seemed dice was to be my game.  Laying down my bets, I would watch with hungry eyes to see just what would roll my way.  Hah!  A perfect roll!  Beaming as I was presented my earnings, I would turn around and see if I couldn’t double it.  The man running the table couldn’t help but chuckle at my gusto.  He knew I was enjoying every moment and it was these moments that he enjoyed seeing.  Another winning roll!  I actually whooped in excitement bringing a bubble of laughter from around the table.  Oh yes.  What did Linda need next…  Diamond earrings?  A nice vacation?  Maybe a whole new wardrobe for her and the kids!  I wanted nothing but the best for my family.  Let’s see if we could double it again.

Hah!  Would you look at that?  One more time baby and I’m walking away early tonight.  Deep breaths, come on lady luck, just hold out for one more big one and I’ll stop testing your patience.  Blue was beaming from ear to ear and just about to toss those ivories once more when a tap upon his shoulder was given.  It would seem he had a call?  Curiosity hit him.  Who would call him here?  His wife was the only one who knew for sure he’d be here tonight.  Was there something wrong?  Quickly excusing himself with his current winnings, he went to take his phone call. 

“Hello?  Yes, this is Blue.  How can I help you?”

Blue listened intently to the voice on the other end.  Slick as oil and smooth as honey, and perhaps just as sticky he heard a sound that made his blood run cold.  To fuel his beloved game, he had contacted a man who had promised to partner with him for a modest share in his winnings.  He borrowed a sum that was much more ambitious than if he were to bet with his money alone.  He had lost that night, but the man had seemed quite amiable to let him pay it back in a more than fair timeframe.  So it was that he had chosen to purchase a car tonight rather than pay him a larger payment.

“Blue Mah boy…  It’s good teh hear yer’ voice…  I have some…  Unfortunate news I’m afraid.  I’ll be needin’ that money paid back tomorrow.  Not a problem fer such a gamblin’ champion such as yerself right?  Certainly hope not.  Would hate to see anythin’ happenin’ to a bloke like you.  I’ll have a man at the usual spot.  Don’t keep him waitin’.”

And before I could say a word the line went dead…  Just as dead as my heart.  For a moment I felt a numbness creep over me.  I didn’t have the money.  What I’d made tonight was hardly a quarter of it, how could I get the money by tomorrow?  My heart raced as I numbly placed the phone back on the receiver before walking back out.  Glancing at the dice table my heart sank.  Do I go for it?  Ride my winning streak and try to make it tonight?  Could I?  I could pay off the shark and never speak to him again…  Hope once again sparked in my eyes as I made my way back toward the table trying to force my sluggish mind into some quick thinking.  I could do this.

The walk back to the table was one that I would never forget; for it felt like it was taking an eternity - and yet, it also felt as if it were over within the blink of an eye. Subconsciously my hands fidgeted around within my pocket, toying with my keys and the random coins that had made their home there. 

"Sir? Your bet, Sir?"

I looked up and snapped back to reality, realizing that I had been standing in front of the table and was causing a delay in the flow of the game. In that split moment I knew what I was going to do. One more bet. If lady luck liked me at all she would see me through, just one more time. If it went south...well, I didn't want to really think that out too much. Fuck it!

"I'm in!" - I stated with a much meeker voice than was usual.

Time felt as if it were being slowed down as I watched the dice tumble out of my hand and onto the table. The noises of the dice rolling on the table that were usually albeit impossible to hear, amplified in my head. Clank clack click...click.....come on baby, come on! CLICK! My heart exploded with a brief moment of joy before I remembered that these winnings were already spoken for. I now had just under half of the money that the loan-shark was demanding of me tomorrow. 

As I cashed out the chips the rest of the plan came to fruition within my head....it wasn't a good option, but it was the only one that I could think of. Surely that slime-ball would accept just shy of the half the money if I had collateral? My heart raced faster than it did even when at the tables. Holy fuck my wife is going to kill me.

I slipped into autopilot as I made my way home - I couldn't even begin to recollect the route that I took or how long it took. All that I knew for certain was that I had to appease the man I owed money to, for he knew entirely too much about me. My address, my jobs' address, the name of my wife and children.... no, not paying him simply wasn't an option. I walked into my house and kissed my sleeping wife on the cheek, with the fleeting thought that it might be the last time I ever get to kiss her. 

Grabbing the keys to her new car from the counter I paused momentarily. Was there any other way? No... I don't think there is. Reaching under the kitchen counter I pull out a bottle of aged whiskey and take a few shots - something, anything to conceal the nerves. The burning sensation hit my stomach and I was off, speeding away in my wife's car without her any the wiser. Would she understand? Would she be beyond reason? I certainly hoped not - though I wouldn't blame her. My gambling problem had officially leaked into my personal life in the most damning of ways. 

The liquor settled into my stomach and my brain flew off into a million tangents. Once again I was operating a vehicle and on autopilot, only barely aware that I was headed in the direction of the meeting spot. Even if it was a fair bit in advance of the time that I was told, there's no way that the area wasn't be patrolled. I reached into my pocket for a cigarette when things really went to shit. BAM! 

What the fuck was that?! I slammed on the brakes and looked over my shoulder to see a crumpled form laying on the ground, writhing in pain. Like I fucking have time for this? Switching the engine off I get out and inspect. It appeared to be a middle aged man who was just trying to cross the street. Shit. I was so wrapped up in my own world that I hit someone! I turned the man over and immediately scrambled backwards. 

"...Dave?! Dave! Can you hear me?!?!?!?" 

The reality of it all sank in deeper and deeper by the minute. I knew this man... We used to bust out windows in houses of the people that we disliked as children. I was very used to 'running into' old friends in my many nights out...but holy shit, I didn't know to react to literally running in to one of my old friends! 

It had only been a few minutes since the tires skid across the body of my friend and there wasn't much time to act, in the heat of the moment my hands began scooping up the blood in an attempt to push it back into the wound. While this most likely wasn't the proper technical way of doing things, it was the best my brain would allow me to do at the given moment; and that's when he began to groan. 

"Stop sitting on my legs."

Quickly jumping up from where I sat, I reassesed the situation and came to the realization that maybe the hit wasn't as bad as my mind once made it out to be. Sure, there was blood and Dave most likely had a few broken ribs, but he'd survive this. At least if I got him to the hospital in a quick enough time.

But I was still in a race against the clock. I needed to repay my debts in only a few hours now and Dave would only hold me back, I couldn't take him to the hospital because there would be way too many questions and I couldn't sit there explaining things for hours. So I did the next best thing and drove him off to an old enclosed space, the very same I used to take my dates, all two of them, I explained in vivid detail my entire situation hoping that he would empathize through the pain and help me out here.

"Ah, man. That's a rough time you've been going through tonight, Blue. I think I'm well enough to...", the blood he spit up in the middle of the speech told another story, but we hashed out a deal and he was willing to go to the hospital on his own and not involve me in it at all. Stepping out of my car for a moment, I remembered why Dave and I were old friends as I heard my wife's car rev up and drive off with him and the money that I had along with it.

This wasn't good.

I aimlessly walked for a few minutes, knowing that I had just lost everything in only a few seconds. When things couldn't possibly get worse they found a way to make it to the deepest depths of hell and there wasn't anything that I could do, but that's when I saw it. A rather expensive sports car tucked away where I used to take date #2 regularly. I hadn't done anything like this for years, but I would need to use my old skills if I were going to survive until the next day.

My family. My life. Everything was riding on this.

It was going to get messy.

I quickly break into the car without being noticed. Maybe Lady luck had not completely forgotten me. They didn't have an alarm. As I make sure the vehicle is ready I spark her up. I felt a little jolt as this isn't really something I wanted to get in trouble for but my desk job wasn't the kind that paid family when an employee met an untimely demise. I chased after my wife's car and catches up rather quickly.

I passed the car and cut it off. I made the guy stop and somehow gain the courage to get out of the sports car and to pull the guy out of my wife's car. I kick the living snot out of the dude and checked the guys pockets. Somehow by some miracle I find the dude had a shit ton of cash on him. I know probably not made legally if he's stealing cars too. I count it out and see its more than enough to cover my debts. I put dude in the "stolen" car and get into my wife's car.

I check on Dave and while hes in pain he's still alive. Now that my problems are over I figure I can take the time to actually drive him there since he's survived this. I was really starting to feel things were shaping up. I had my debts ready to be resolved and all I needed to do was get to the Loan Shark before time ran out. I think I even covered my bases for that slight dip into the past.

I pull up and try to get Dave out without hurting him too much and really just can't believe how lucky and unlucky I was tonight but it wasn't over yet. I still needed to drop my debt off. I even would have a couple thousand leftover if nothing goes wrong. I drop off Dave and get back into my wife's car. I head to the loan shark and drop off my debt. 

The loan shark takes a look at me as I arrive and smiles "I knew you had it in you Blue boy I think we can make a lot of money if your interested. Don't answer me now but go home sleep and have a good night's rest. We will be talk again soon I am sure."  I listen to his words and know its better to just get out of there. It's been a long night and I really need to sleep at least a little if I am going to be useful at work in the morning. I get into the car and head home at the very least I dont have that debt over my head any longer. I might actually be able to make a little money with the extra I found.

I still couldn't help to feel a certain uneasiness as to how things worked out. It had all been too easy when it could have been disastrous. I felt lucky for while, and in truth everything seemed to be going well, but deep down I knew I was being naive. And when that phone call finally came looking out for me, I knew my luck was turning.

"Blue, mah boy! How have you been? Fully rested?" 

Of course, I'm not ready for this. So like a moron, I hesitate.

"Oh, I hope you didn't forget about my business proposal. I know you've been through some trouble to get me that cash in time and I appreciate people who respects my business."

"Than.."

"Listen, why don't we meet in Rao's tonight and I'll let you in on what I have in mind? I know you can make it. And hey, if you think it stinks, we're good all the same."

Fuck! Everyone knows Rao's is a mobster hangout. But can I say no? He knows I don't have plans, he probably knows where I am right now.

"Alright." Is the only thing that can come out of my mouth now.

What's the first thing I do, knowing I'm about to meet people who may as well kill me if I give them the wrong lines? Get drunk of course. I can still pull this off, if I'm only able to relax.

As I leave the cab, and start walking towards the restaurant I notice that not very far from the entrance, there's this one guy smoking a cigarette with his face full of bruises... "He's that fucker, who robbed my car!" I think of running, but then it hits me, does it matter anymore? I hurt a mobster and they're extremely protective of their own. If am done for, but they aren't going to wack me in this place. Not with this many people around.

I go in the diner and there he is. He waves with light grin and I sit down, it's just me and him but there's more plates on the table.

"I gotta go straight to the point kiddo, you probably saw Frankie outside with a bad expression on his face. He is not too bright. But he is the nephew of John Gotti, and you treated the kid really badly, even took his money." He keeps tapping the table with his finger while making his point. "You paid me but it was my money, and like I said the kid ain't the sharpest pencil. So I'm thinking if you run this last deal for me we cut the debt once and for all."

Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Could I say “No.”? Of course I couldn’t, they’d wack me. Or worse they’d hurt Linda. What would she think of me after the police came home to say I’ve been found dead? Deadbeat lowlife. That’s what she’d think. 

“Well.. urm, what’s the deal?” 

“There’s a Buick out back, in the trunk there’s some boy (heroin), about ten large worth. You’re gonna drive it to the ghetto off of Easy st and 1st. You’re gonna see an old apartment building with a beat to shit Chevy parked out front. Then once yous get there you and Frankie..”

”Woah there, whatever it is, could I do it by myself? I mean I don’t need...”

”No. No you can’t. The kid ain’t bright but we trust him so he goes with you. Plus he needs to fix his fuckup for letting you get that money from him. Everybody pays for their mistakes, whether they’re made knowingly or not. Everyone pays.”

He slides a set of keys across the table.

“Get the fuck going them people ain’t gonna stay there all night, and if you come back with the boy or without my money you know what’s gonna happen.”

Holy fuck, holy fuck. Drug dealing? That’s what I’ve become now is a drug dealer?! And I just have to do it with Frankie, what if he just kills me after we’re done for revenge?! They won’t hurt him but will kill me if anything happens... I cannot, absolutely cannot fuck this up. As I walk out Rao’s I’m looking for Frankie, he’s no where. Maybe he went to grab another pack of smokes, and he’s got to come with me, so I gotta wait for him. 

15 minutes later...

Where the fuck is this guy? His life might depend on this but mine does... All I want is for my life to go back to normal. “Fuck it” I mutter under my breath, I’m going now. I walk around back to the grey Buick and pop the trunk. Nothing. Open up to the wheel well, there’s a bag inside atop of the wheel axel. A snarl comes from behind...

“Just what the fuck you think you doing?” 

Slamming the trunk closed, I turn around to see Frankie, his face lit up as he lights a cigarette.

”I was just... I was just making sure it was here.”

”What the fuck took you? I been back here for at least half a fucking hour, let’s get going already.”

We get in the car and start to drive. We left Rao’s and got onto US highway 102 headed east and hauled ass. I already wasted so much time who knows if these people we were supposed to meet would still be there. 

“Slow the fuck down would ya? If we get caught we’re both dead. And lemme tell you fucker, I ain’t going to jail.” Frankie slips his jacket aside to show a .45 tucked in his waistband.

”Sor... Sorry. I just want to get this over with and go home.” 

We get off of the 102, onto 9th. Then we go straight until 9th turns into 1st, deep in the ghetto. Never been to this part of town before. This is where they say all them murders and overdoses happen on the radio. We turn left onto Easy. 

“Slow down, its coming up. A few seconds later

”Right there, you see that Chevy? Park next to it.” Frankie said

As soon as we park they were on us. Bright lights shone in our faces

“POLICE! POLICE HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE EM!!” 

Instantly my hands went up to block the light from my eyes so I could see. I looked over and Frankie was fumbling for his gun trying to get it out of his waistband but it was caught on his belt. Officers opened his door first and slammed his head on dash and then tossed him outta the car, all while my door was being opened and a bag was slipped over my head. I put up no fight which is why I think they didn’t beat me like they did Frankie. My hands were tied behind my back and I was being led somewhere, inside the building we were at i think. Eventually I was pushed into a seat, and Frankie was too as I heard it screatch back against the floor. Then I heard Frankie’s voice, he pleaded, saying..

”It’s him not me you dumb fucking pigs! You’re supposed to kill him, I’m John fucking Gotti’s nephew!”

“I assure you, there has been NO mistake.”

"The money, I'm sorry... It was the money!" Frankie cried back in a humiliating attempt at saving his own life.

Baam. Thud, the sound of Frankie’s body falling over.

”Please! I have a wife! I won’t tell I promise I won’t tell just let me go home to my wife!” Blue pleaded.

”Sorry buddy, but dumbass Frankie was right. It was the money.”

Several hours later, you are found by police with urine-soaked pants and a 50 dollar bill stuffed firmly into the back of your throat.