Hard Knock Life

TonyRomanoJr retired after deciding to let his Auntie Leora become a mafioso. Like all naughty babies, he went to hell. And he definitely deserved it. So, the judges of hell were pleased and let him have a chance. They were impressed by his evil potential and let him be reborn as the baby of Beelzebub III and Iris.

He stayed in Japan for two years. He was a local delinquent like his foster mother, Hilda, and foster father Tatsumi Oga. Like the holy delinquent he was, he blessed their town with his Pipi, the holy pee; defeated his opponents with his lightning-empowered tantrums; and reached a new level of enlightenment with his Super Milk Time.

However, in one of his adventures and as a test for the prince of hell, his age was reset, and he was separated from his family and friends. He was sent to a new world unprepared. There were topless Durdens running amuck (which greatly pleased Baby Beel because he was also topless).

However, he was no baby like he was in the past! He wouldn't be defeated by other babies in the sandbox. He would only cry if his guardian was 18 meters away from him. This time, he would reach at least 3 months old!

So, he started singing with the Durdens dancing with him. He also seemed to have developed telepathy, since people somehow understood him.

"Adadah (It's the hard knock life for us...)"

A Requiem for the Fallen


Baby Beel travelled across the country and inspected its war-torn remains. He especially looked at Seattle, and Detroit. There were cobwebs and planks in the formerly bustling business districts. He also looked at other cities which didn't escape the aftermath. There were baby crewleaders being born, and there were new faces with chubby cheeks like his.



He also looked at the funeral parlours. There were some who received many flowers from their friends and their friends' kin. There were also some who took bullets but received few or no flowers. So, Baby Beel decided. This song was for all the dead, the ones who took bullets for their family, and especially the ones who were dead and forgotten.



Baby Beel wore pants this time. He looked seriously at the Durden choir in front of him. They had followed Baby Beel out of admiration for his exhibitionism. Baby Beel held his baton tightly. Marla Singer was in front of the orchestra, and the Durds were waiting in nervous anticipation. Baby Beel's baton went down while a drop of sweat (or was it tears) flew from his face. Marla Singer sang with a voice that made the concert hall vibrate while the Durds played their discordant tune.

"Agoo (Rest in peace)," Baby Beel whispered.

The Innocent Mafioso, an Oxymoron

A small crowd was in front of Baby Beel. There were maids, butlers, Marla Singer, and the Durdens. They looked at him raptly. He pointed forward in the vague distance while his eyes shined and said,

"Gugu! (There are no innocent mafioso. The streets pull you to that inevitable reality. A civilians' first action is to pilfer a purse. Once he gets some achievement in it, he would go on to shaft a schlub, become a shop shyster, and K.O. the P.O.)

Abah! (Even time time works against the most innocent civilians. By the simple corrupt influence of the streets, given seven days, a civilian would become a gangster. Maybe he had stolen a candy from a baby (definitely not me!). But for whatever reason, he would become corrupt, like the rest of us.)

Adoo! (However, I respect those who shared their opinions. In fact, I delighted in listening to another point of view. The streets are dead without debate."

Baby Beel closed his eyes and bowed to his small audience.

The Illusion of Peace

Baby Beel stood up on a crate and looked to his small crowd once again. He had to clarify things, even if it were just for himself and his tiny audience.

"Aiyah (There would never be peace on the streets. Not to mention our petty and felony crimes [where in one of them, we whore people against their will], many of us want our rise. We want the throne!)"

"Agoo (The regime would tell us they want peace and building up. However, they want peace and building up so long as they are the crewleaders, the godfathers, and the godmothers. They don't overtly press their will on us. However, they silently do, all the same.)"

"Abubu (Another regime would attack other cities, and conquer them. They would kill previous allies, for the glory of their own city and family. Perhaps, this openly reveals their greedy desire for power, but this also openly reveals the real mafioso nature.)"

"Poo (I respect both styles. One wants to dominate through peace, building, and alliances. The other wants to dominate through guns, determination, and family.)"

"Pee (Both are valid ways! Conflict is inevitable. And we all want our cut of the croquette. But that croquette is small, and only few at a time could bite it. Perhaps only a few of our kin will get to bite it.)"

"Gugugu (Be real! A lot of us want their position and power.)"

Baby Beel's stomach grumbled and a butler handed him a croquette.

Just In- Beelster

Television programs and radio stations throughout the country all said the same thing. There was a new artist in town! He had introduced two new genres in the 1930's, and although it wasn't certain it was popular, they were new. From his single, "Apple Bottom No-Jeans" and his impromptu song, "Into the Pit", bodyguards and Durdens, even if they were unwilling, were pulled into it. Even newspaper were adding new titles to their entertainment pages:

Just In- Beelster

A news anchor entered the TV of one of the screens and asked the Baby Beelster, "What do you think of such a title?"

"Agoo (I am neutral. There will be a Justin Bieber in the future. He was a long-haired lil boy at first. However, Justin Bieber will become hotter, with his muscles, tattoos, and mature hairstyle, but I like metal and lullabies. It's a difference of artistic preference)," Baby Beel somehow managed to convey to the whole nation. The TV stations antennas might have temporarily amplified his telepathy.

"Apoo (However, it cannot be helped. Some names and ideas are born naturally, and if this is what they will call me, I will make it mine!"

The new anchor then asked, "Do you have a new song for us?"

"Ayaya (It isn't actually mine, although I guess, in this era, it is. This is Justin Bieber's song, modified to fit my tastes, 'Baby ft. Tyler Durden'." Baby Beel opened and closed his little fists, like his usual games, and maids and butlers took to the stage. They gave a mic to the Beelster while Tyler Durden personally made an appearance to be his backup.

Wooo (Ooh whoa, ooh whoa, ooh whoa)

Yoo (You know you love me, I know you care)

Juu (Just shout whenever, and I'll be there)

...

Baa (Baby, baby, baby oh)

...

Once the song was over, Baby Beel sighed. Was he one of Justin Bieber's haters? He was not. He couldn't hate someone he didn't listen to. However, sometimes, things just happened. He would now be the Baby Beelster. He would turn metal, rap, and all kinds of songs into baby ones. He closed his tights fists in determinations, and once he had accepted his fate, he opened them once again. There was a new artist in town.

Baby Beel, Other Kids, and the Cats of the Sandbox

Sometimes, Baby Beel pissed himself off. He knew that it couldn't be helped, and sometimes, mistakes really just happened. He curled his fists and pulled at his hair. In his case, it happened a bit (or moderately) more than other people.

He had been in scuffles with the children in the sandbox. He had called for them by throwing candies around. However! He needn't have thrown candies around. He could've just fought the cats that were still roaming the streets. They were ownerless and free game. However, somehow, somewhat, he thought that he had to be an earner to fight those cats.

He shook his head. There were thousands of ownerless cats after the recent war. He could have made them his own. He shook his head and waved his little fists at the world. It sometimes happened. He just needed to vent. On the positive side, he discovered that bribing the other kids could have some benefits. If you found a kid playing dead, and the kid still had cats, he could fight those!

"Aboo," Baby Beel really just made a sound and sat on his bare bottoms. He finished venting and would now chill. A butler handed him a milk bottle and croquette.

When the World Works Against Beel

Things had recently not worked well for Beel. He wanted to give some pocket money to his play date (so she could buy toys, clothes, and whatever she needed; he was a daddy dat way), but other things kept interfering with him. When he threw the coins to his play date, the air suddenly formed a mini tornado, and pushed it away. As if that wasn't enough, the air kicked up the sand in the sandbox, and they then had to look for the coins underneath the sand. His play date was shaking from the stress, and he did his best to comfort her. After working though 6 hours of air and dust, after they had found the coins, he bought her some croquette and milk to make her feel better.

And now, just recently, he bought a game card for his play date. She liked a different game than he did, but the world worked against him again. The card was already used! Baby Beel was so angry and frustrated he started getting violent. When someone touched his butt and tried to get some pocket money, he waved his fists and fought the kid (although he really always did this anyways). He then resorted to complaining to a fellow sandbox buddy. Still, he felt that wasn't enough. So, he started making stories up, of how there were hurricanes and earthquakes in the vicinity. He had to rescue a princess in distress, and he only had his trusty cats to help him.

This Things of Ours, a More Complicated Gambling Game

Baby Beel sat down in a park of Downtown, LA. A cat was purring in front of him. It was one of the many cats he had defeated the past couple of days. It pleased him to no end, since he had always lost scuffles to cats. However, he had experience now and could defeat some of them.

"Adoo (The mafioso way of life is really just a more complicated card game, where you tell stories to your buddies as you played. You slowly improve your cards [whether they be your gun or bodyguards], and slowly add more money to the pot. And you tell your fanciful stories to your friends [or opponents] as you went along.)" Baby Beel said to his cat.

"Apaa (You look at the other players. You look at the cards they have laid down, and read their expressions. You can ally with some of them, you can temporarily team up to beat another, you turn on one another, and the like.)"

"Ayaa (Loss [or death] comes easily. You may die in your sleep, or even if you react, a day or two seems to decide your fate. The game started already when you chose your family, you helped recruit a few associates, and the like. Whoever makes the most of everything has a better chance of winning.)"

"Apoo (However, no matter whether you are a conquerer who wars every few weeks, or a slow and sure turtle who outlived them all, there is always an element of chance. Sometimes, the situation just isn't favorable. However, if you're lucky multiple times, you get a break and reach the peak.)"

"Adaa (You may double down or cut your losses. Sometimes, you win. Sometimes, you lose. And then you start all over.)"

Baby Beel patted the cat. Sometimes, he liked murmuring his disjointed thoughts to himself.

Baby Beesus

Baby Beel was the prince of hell. He was their Baby Beesus. It was no surprise then that many households in hell had statues or photos of the baby prince in their homes, just like Baby Jesus.

In statues or photos, Baby Jesus always wore some form of clothing, whether a cloth around his crotch or shorts. Baby Beesus wore his pp proud. Baby Jesus often had a halo behind his head while Baby Beesus had a pacifier in his mouth. Baby Jesus was born in a manger. Baby Beesus was born in a castle surrounded by many busty maids. Jesus looked at you with his fat cheeks and weird (or compassionate but they look weird to some people) eyes. Beesus looked at you with naughty eyes. He wanted violence and croquettes.

Baby Beel looked at his cat. He patted it with his tiny hands and raised his hands over it. "Boo (I bless you with croquettes and milk.)" he told the cat. Maids and butlers immediately surrounded them and made sure the cat got them.

Gitchee Gitchee Goo

Baby Beel had some recent troubles. It was getting hard thinking of simple sounds to make. People understood him easily enough, but he's repeatedly cycled through Adah, Dah, Goo, Gah, and the like. It was time to make things more interesting for himself, and his listeners. So, he took the concert stage again. A crowd had formed in front of him while a disco ball hung from the ceiling. Marla Singer stood beside him with a red wig, while the Durdettes stood beside them.

He took the mic and said, "Adah (I call this song, Gitchee Gitchee Goo. It was from a show I liked in the future. The show was called Phineas and Ferb.")

He raised both his tiny hands and declared, "Goo (From now on, I will talk melodically like this!)"

Marla Singer took the mic. She was the lead singer while Baby Beel and the Durdettes were the back-up.

Gitchee Gitchee Goo

 

Baby Beel: Bow chika bow wow

Durdettes: That's what my baby says!

Baby Beel: Mow mow mow

Durdettes: and my heart starts pumpin'

 

Durdettes: Never gonna stop!

Baby Beel: Gitchee Gitchee Goo

Durdettes: means that I love you!

 

Marla Singer: My baby's got his own way of talking

Whenever he says something sweet

And he knows it's my world he's a-rockin'

Though my vocabulary's incomplete

...

Durdettes: Baby, Baby, Baby

Baby Beel: Gitchee gitchee goo

Durdettes: means that I love you!

 

The crowd was in an uproar. Baby Beel took off his suit jacket and threw it to the crowd. He was now in his favorite type of suit, his birthday suit.

A Day of Doing Nothing

If there is one thing that Baby Beel loved, it was doing nothing. He had been tired recently. A test was coming up, and he had been grinding diligently. It was too much though, so he found himself on the streets, wanting some time away from it.

He found a neighbor's lawn, removed his suit and shades (the natural way as far as Baby Beel was concerned), and laid down on their grass. The grass was a bit itchy, so he scratched his ass. The early morning sunlight shined on him, and he felt content. He disliked drinking vitamins, was often forced to drink them, but now, he's taking some of them from the sun. That made him feel like he's all grown up.

He wiped a tear from his eye, stretched, and put his hands behind his head. Did Baby Beel need to find a neighbor's lawn? Why couldn't he just stay in his own house. But, often, kids didn't care much about property, and Bay Beel was the same.

The neighbor's cat came out from their house, laid beside him, and purred.

Memories of Japan

Baby Beel lived a few months in Japan before being transported to another universe in the 1930's. His memories of Japan consisted of eating croquettes, drinking milk, fighting neighborhood cats, and the like. It was a good experience overall. However, Baby Beel's butler got him super advanced phone which he can use to browse the internet in 2019. It was pretty good because it was getting boring in the 1930's. He wanted to play games and watch Youtube videos.

It was during the time he was watching Youtube videos where he saw channels on pop culture, masculinity, and feminism. Baby Beel, from his birth in hell and his transporation to Japan, realized he had been taught backwards masculine values. He was always expected to save the damsel (who was never given a chance to do well on her own), and shoot his beloved (to apparently save her from herself). He enjoyed those types of games because he got to be a hero. Now though, a lot of the games, especially by Nintendo, were starting to just disgust him. Of course, Japan wasn't only the one who propagated these type of games. It was just that he had been immersed a lot in their subtly misogynistic culture and played a lot of their games.

Baby Beel sighed and found the neighbors dog. He gave a soft "Kashikashi", one of his laughs, and lunged. The dog was kind to Baby Beel and tried licking his face. Baby Beel wasn't though, so they rolled around on the neighbor's lawn.

Rescuing Beel

Baby Beel had a met an old time playmate recently, Futaba Kanzaki. He assumed she got to the 1930s in the same way he did. His family in hell somehow sent her.

They had their usual games in the playground. Baby Beel and Kanzaki also had their pretend fights where Beel would summarily lose. It wasn't that he was losing on purpose. It was just that Kanzaki had more experience in fighting, and Beel didn't. He often looked at her admiringly because of it.

It wasn't long though before a petty thief boy dragged Baby Beel away. The boy looked at Beel's croquette evilly, wanting it for himself. Beel offered half of it to make peace, but the dog wanted both Beel and the croquette. So, the boy put Beel on its back and ran off.

Futaba, the ever reliable friend of Beel, chased after them across multiple streets. Beel was terrified until Futaba caught up to them. Futaba caught up to them, scolded the boy, and all three walked off in the sunset as friends.

Hit listing as a Tool

Baby Beel cleared his throat and started a monologue.

"Adah (In this things of ours, as criminals and mafioso, hit listing is a valid tool. One of the few values of the mafia is money. If the price is enough, a mafiosi or a group of mafioso will definitely move and kill someone. In this thing of ours, I'm not against this tool. In heaven, life after this one, I'm definitely against it. There are many ways in which life is worth actual money in the beyond. I'm definitely against that. However, in this thing of ours, life is disposable and renewable. The question is whether someone is worth the price.)"

"Goo (There are many things to consider when taking on a hit list. I will go through a few things someone may consider. I doubt I can cover all, or that everyone will think of the same things. Maybe they have different criteria, or they may just really want the money and perhaps permanently retire afterwards.)

"Goo (Now, lets go through the thought process. If you have the gun for it, then you may start considering the hit list. Afterwards, you have to consider the consequences of your actions. If you shoot that person, will someone retaliate? Is the target an enemy? If so, that may sweeten the deal and may make the consequences worth it. For the more powerful targets, you also have to consider their allies and your own. Assuming you are a city leader or a prominent member of that city, once you kill that target, you can reasonably expect retaliation. Are you ok with your city or family getting attacked afterwards? You may have to go rogue or leave your city to disassociate yourself from them, and you alone will take the consequences.)"

"Gah (Finally, you may consider your own price. Are you worth 150 to 200 units of foreign currency, or 100mil to 200mil? Perhaps you want to make a message afterwards too, or prove a point, or anything to make it worth it. If so, then that's probably when you shoot away.)

On Full Wipes and Jumping Ship

Baby Beel removed his pacifier and started babbling.

"Bow (In the recent Las Vegas and Chicago takedown, there were full wipes. If you dial it back three wars before though, Seattle, Detroit, and LA [except Pasadena] were also fully wiped. Now, what could be the possible reasons for these?)"

"Chika (In the war against LA, Jerry, in Operation Broken Arrow, revealed how Ralph Lombino didn't like his decisions. Ralph Lombino also had plans to attack Seattle. That was when Jerry along with Philadelphia, New York, and Chicago decided to wipe Los Angeles except for one district, Pasadena.)

"Bow (In the war against Detroit, it was an actual war. The first wave managed to wipe out a lot of their strong guns. However, Detroit wasn't such an easy target. They had even more guns, and they had a whole army of protectors. Bob Ross, Vash, and MGK managed to survive the first wave, and they pulled off a strong resistance. They took down many strong guns on the other side before being taken down themselves. Afterwards, Yves Saint Laurent became rogue. He, and his protectors, managed to take down a few crewleaders and hands before being taken down themselves.)"

"Wow (In the war against Seattle, as explained by Tim in The War of the Cities, Seattle was taken down because Jerry attacked MustachePete and his district. Luis called for his ally, Tim, and they retaliated. Miss Niki soon joined afterwards. It was a costly war. Seattle was fully wiped, except maybe Roco, while half the population of the entire American mafia perished.)"

"Mow (Las Vegas was taken down last week. In Operation Forgone Conclusion, Angelo explained how they thought Las Vegas was an unreliable ally. They had conflicting decisions during the war against Seattle and finding new crewleaders. They also had a history of rogues. Chicago, along with New York and Philadelphia, made the move and wiped the entire city. No one was spared.)"

"Mow (In just this recent take down, New York was wiped except for a few people. Some people in the coffee shop noted how there were Mades who were allowed to survive, but associates taken down. There hasn't been a public announcement regarding this. We still await the explanation, one of the joys [and sources of frustration] in this thing of ours.)"

"Mow (In my opinion, full wipes happened because of two reasons. Firstly, there was a perceived offense from the wiped city. Perhaps they plotted behind the aggressors or were unreliable. Secondly, there was the issue of rogues and revenge. After a city is wiped, it is very reasonable to expect some form of retaliation. When Detroit was taken down, Yves Saint-Laurent took revenge for them, albeit according to him, it was for money. When Las Vegas was taken down, some survivors managed to shoot a few people from Philadelphia. They wiped entire cities to prevent such form of retaliation.)"

"Chika (I have no opinion on whether wiping entire cities is right. I understand both sides of the argument. Wiping entire cities prevents retaliation. However, sparing associates was a reasonable show of mercy and may encourage new faces in this thing of ours. In the end, I guess, we decide our own rules. In these take downs, the uppers did.)"

"Chika (I have mixed feeling regarding jumping ship. Personally, if I were a Made, I would die with my family and my city. However, in the recent take down of New York, I was happy that there were some survivors. On one hand, I like loyalty, and having someone's back despite the odds. On the other hand, if you do decide to take revenge, it would just be a short-lived revenge. Maybe it's better to preserve your strength. Maybe you didn't know them all that well anyways.)"