Avard had been tied up with various ventures in recent weeks, the truck heist in South Side, the art gallery theft in the Old City but none had been as important to him as opening his very own golf course. After overseeing the final preparations, he was finally ready to open it to the public. Well, the mafia public at least...no riff raff. He took to the streets to issue free memberships.

Friends, I would like to welcome you all to spend your downtime on my golf course.

It isn't too taxing, just 9 holes at the moment, but a great way to spend an afternoon when your "work" chores are getting too much. Don't worry, friends of ours are all that is welcome, so you don't need to be on your guard. Just bring your clubs and get yourself a tee time.

To generate some interest, I'm currently giving out free memberships. I would like as many of you as possible to partake and with that in mind, I'm also offering some prizes for the better rounds at our course. Just check out the initial prize pool:

Avard flashes a short flyer under your nose.

IF YOU SCORE 1 UNDER PAR YOU WIN $50,000

IF YOU SCORE 2 UNDER PAR YOU WIN $100,000

IF YOU SCORE 3 UNDER PAR YOU WIN $250,000

IF YOU SCORE 4 UNDER PAR YOU WIN $500,000

IF YOU SCORE 5 UNDER PAR YOU WIN $1,000,000

IF YOU SCORE 6 UNDER PAR YOU WIN $1,500,000

IF YOU SCORE 7+ UNDER PAR OR MORE YOU WIN $2,000,000 

Sounds good, right?

Well, we're open for business right now and I hope to see all of you at the first tee some time soon.

If you're not sure of the rules of this wonderful sport....

....YOU SHOULD PROBABLY CHECK THIS OUT.

Hopefully you'll spend your downtime on our fairways some time soon.

Any questions, please let me know.

Avard starts to handsomely hand out memberships to every Tom, Dick and Garou in sight. Not to any limp-dicked betas though, obviously. 

I am pleased to report that we have had our first player attempt to conquer our mighty course. No ordinary player either, this was the Soviet Bear himself, Mikhail, famed throughout the country for his prowess with a putter.

I'm further delighted to report that Mikhail has set a hugely impressive course record with his tremendous opening round. 

It was an excellent opening hole for Mikhail, who confidently dissected the fairway with his opening tee shot, chipped onto the short stuff before solidly two-putting to collect a par, with a polite doff of his ushanka. Even par after the first.

He traded blows with the AvardTa National over the next two holes, missing the fairway and playing catch up throughout Trollbait before remedying the damage with his first birdie on the wonderful third hole, Should I take a Pro?

Unfortunately it would be a long few hours from there for Mikhail, who dropped shots at Purge List, TWLOWITC and a three putt at Incognito saw him slip to +3. There was a little bit of brightness when he took one from Anita, but it was back to hacking through the Siberian rough on Pole Position. Two more shots went by the wayside. It all came down to the 9th, Champion. Could Mikhail redeem himself? Could Mikhail salvage his round?

No. He bogeyed it.

A disgruntled 5 over for the day, but doubtlessly impressed with an afternoon well spent. Especially now he was (technically) the course champion. He collected a fat cheque for $0 which I was more than happy to write out for him personally. Thank you for playing, Champion Mikhail.

The king is dead, long live the king. 

It was a noble reign for Mikhail and his +5, but unfortunately his reign is at an end. To the very next challenger.

I remember it well, it was a warm August evening. In fact, it was the same warm August evening that the Russian Bear was crowned, but never mind that. A young scamp by the name of William_the_Bloody turned up with his wooden clubs and a glint in his eye that just screamed "I've got an eagle in me". You don't know what that looks like? Wow, I feel sorry for you.

The nerves were evident at the first and a horrible shank off the tee put him out of position. He recovered amiably and managed to rescue a bogey to keep the damage to one. A more controlled effort at Trollbait saw him take a par and remain one over. 

Should I Take a Pro? William answered no and paid the price. A double bogey threatened to derail him. Mikhail watched on, triumphant soviet glory resonating from him. You could tell how much he loved the sport and that he was desperate to hang onto his title; it looked like he was destined to do just that.

William had a word with himself before tackling Purge List. He knew that he needed to get in the red and fast; this par 3 was exactly where he was going to do it. He teed up his ball, pulled out his trusty 3 iron, took a deep breath and...BANG. To within 3 feet. Mikhail frowned as the growing crowd gave a smattering of applause. A birdie followed and the first trickle of Russian sweat crept from beneath a certain bear's ushanka. He was 2 over and 3 clear of the course record.

A par followed at the 6th and after a wayward tee shot at Incognito, a shot slipped away. He was 3 over with 3 to play. Anita was generous and William swaggering out with a par. 2 to play. Pole Position, a friendly par 5 was an opportunity to cash in, but he couldn't take it. The nerves were showing and destiny was beckoning to him. He could hear her tempting cries..."come to me, William. You can do, William. You're going to be the bloody champ, William". 

Her allure was overwhelming him and his tee shot at Champion flicked off the first cut of rough and barreled towards the stream. Somehow it stopped just short and with a huge sigh of relief, he pitched to the edge. A third left him with a long, long par putt. It charged past the hole faster than a doctored log in peacetime and he had a 8ft putt for the title. 

Mikhail had his arms folded so tightly his fingernails were cutting ribbons in his arms. This title was everything to him and he could see it slipping away. William addressed the ball, brought the club back and struck. Mikhail gave a barely audible snort of disgust as the ball hit dead centre.

It was another pathetic score, but with a round of +4, William_the_Bloody was the god dam champ. 

William_the_Bloody was a fine ambassador for the sport of mafia golf; I don't think anyone can disagree with that. The way he carried himself, with his slicked back, peroxide blonde hair not moving even an inch in the heavy breeze and his penchant for poetry stapled to the front of his jacket; a more worthy champion we couldn't really have asked for.

But now he's gone. His score of +4, a slight improvement upon the rather embarrassing +5 that Mikhail hacked around for, was blown out of the water by a Seattle pickpocket by the name of Philli-Stein. 

At one point, it was looking like our new champion was going to be the first to claim some of my not-so-hard earned cash, as he teared up the course faster than the rules in an opened up LA authathon. He dueled heroically with Takedown, claiming a par, struck a blow against Trollbait with a fine birdie from 10ft and slew Should I Take A Pro? recording a magnificent eagle; the first in living memory.

Even a minor setback, with him winding up falling foul of a Purge List and dropping his first stroke of the day, couldn't derail his effort. He calmed himself down, gave his caddy, Sarai, a reassuring nod that said "It is ok, honey. I am one with my clubs. I'll do this for every squire back home in Seattle. I'll get Philli Jnr that bike he always wanted." 

His mind concentrated and his goals clear, he soared like a...well an eagle, which is coincidentally what he scored (his second of the day) on the 5th to card a majestic -4 after 5 holes. I have to admit, I was getting a little concerned that we would be forking out some serious dinero at this stage, but perhaps it was bad luck, overconfidence or the fact that Mikhail was glowering angry Russian bear stares at him from behind each green, which put him off. Who knows? Whatever happened, his game quickly started to unravel.

A dropped shot at the 6th, another given away to Anita and Pole Position taking a third after an ugly hoick from the bunker and Philli-Stein was -1 going into the last. Sarai was clearly pissed with him. His caddywife was thrusting the clubs into his hands like she was skewering a Capo-sized steak that was being shit at golf and was spending the next few weeks on the couch. He had the good grace to look disappointed with himself.

It all came down, fittingly, to Champion. A par here would see him take home the life changing sum of $50,000, which could mean a new kitchen or even an orangery for the little Philli-Steins to run around in.

Unfortunately, it ended with a whimper, a terrible tee shot went sailing down the stream. He did well to get on the green with a chance to save bogey, but when he rattled that one by the hole and Sarai threw his clubs on the floor and stomped off, his round was pretty much over. He eventually managed to record a double bogey. He glumly accepted the accolade of course champion with a final score of +1, picked up his sodden clubs and trudged off to try and explain to little Philli Jnr why he would be stuck playing in the box room this Christmas.

Avard looked at his watch, just as Coco set her clubs down beside the tee box. A little after 2, perfect time for little two ball action.

"On the tee from Corktown, Detroit, Coco Comsunyaye", the announcer called in a nasal voice, to a smattering of applause from the nearby gallery. It was sparsely populated, partly because Avard wasn't very popular, partly because Mikhail was frowning so hard there was a ring of empty seats 3 deep all the way around him and partly because they weren't used to women at the course. One of Avard's buzzwords was inclusive though, so everyone was welcome.

Coco approached the first ladies tee and had a few practice swings. It was an elegant manoeuvre, club and flapper dress dancing elegantly in the gentle breeze. After several more majestic repeats of this action, she approached her ball and deposited it comfortably on the fairway 200 yards hence. Another smattering of applause.

"And her playing partner today, on the tee from Seattle, Teddy Sanders!", the announcer said, fighting not to be drowned out by the partizan crowd who hollered their appreciation. Other than Mikhail, who glowered even further.

Avard watched as Teddy stepped up, flashing his adoring public a smile below a magnificent moustache, cocked back and fired. He made a decent fist of it, trickling past Coco's effort and running off into the rough. This drew more excitement from the onlookers and TeddySanders soaked it up. Coco breezed along without any acknowledgment to even hearing it. Teddy followed hot on her proverbial heels to play their second shots.

Avard shook hands with a few notable faces in the crowd and gave Mikhail a friendly wave. With the pleasantries done, he made his way back to the clubhouse to follow the rest of the day's play. 

After solid enough tee shots from both players, Coco and TeddySanders couldn't see the job through. They both dropped a shot at the 1st, with Teddy's following cheering with delight when Coco's pink ball lipped out for par. She responded to the toxic atmosphere by calmly demonstrating that golf is not about brute strength, finessing her way to a confident birdie at Trollbait. Teddy's hands were on his hips in his best teapot impression as he three putted his own birdie chance, instead walking away with a bogey for company. He was now 2 over.

Avard smiled to himself as he watched the players from the clubhouse balcony. The sun was shining and everyone was enjoying themselves, other than inaugural champion, Mikhail, of course. He was still shooting daggers at every comrade in sight.

Teddy knew that this was getting out of hand and it was time to deliver. No better way to do that than to put your nuts on the table at Should I Take A Pro? and go for eagle. He had seen Coco lay up and it was time for him to make his move. He executed it perfectly and sank a 25ft putt to the delight of the golfing fraternity. By contrast, Coco raised a well groomed eyebrow as she watched her par putt whizz a couple of feet beyond the cup. She was now +1 for her round, whilst Teddy was back to the start. He managed a high five with one of his fan on the way to the 4th.

Another shot came off the card for Teddy who was really motoring and outmuscling the shapely Nubian legs of Coco. He moved to 1 under taking a two shot lead over Ms Comsunyaye at 1 over.  

The 5th hole on the course should have favoured Teddy and he swaggered up to the tee like his balls were as big as boulders. Unfortunately, he fired his tee shot horribly right into the thickest of rough and his plums shriveled like the plans for Phili-Stein's wrap around extension. He hacked another, gaining a few measly feet and he had played three before he was back on the fairway. Coco wasn't immune to this unraveling, having her share of difficulty, but by the time she fished her ball out of the hole, she had taken a par. Teddy, by comparison, was eyefucking a triple bogey like she was the hottest bitch in the bar.

Coco found her game at the 6th, reaping the rewards on Incognito with a fine eagle, much to the disgust of Sanders who could only take a birdie. She gave him a patronising wink that looked like it was going to come to long-finger nailed and bushy-lipped blows. Instead Teddy brushed it off and responded with an eagle from Anita, only to be usurped for glory as Coco threw down back to back birds of prey to move to -1 for her round. They were tied heading into the 8th.

"I gotta get out there and see this", Avard muttered to himself, abandoning his comfy chair on the clubhouse balcony for a not very dignified dash to the hole. He reached them on the green. Sanders looked like someone had taken a shit on his kitchen table and placed his finest china in it. 

"What's the score?" Avard whispered to one of the spectators. It turned out to be Mikhail, who just showered him with hate-filled silence so Avard hastily turned to his other neighbour and repeated the question.

"Sanders is gonna take a double unless he can sink this....FUCK!", he yelled as Teddy's putt sauntered 3ft beyond the hole. "The bitch bogeyed it. She's level, he's gonna be 1 over going into the last."

Avard followed the crowd as they headed towards Champion. Both competitors had the course record under threat, but if Coco could manage to tame the last, she would be the first person to shoot under par.

"You got this, Coco!" Avard called, drawing muttering from the other viewers. If it bothered Coco though, she didn't show it, catching her drive flush down the middle of the fairway, swan-diving into perfect position. Teddy clubbed his shot in the same direction, cursing under his breath the whole while. 

Coco watched as Teddy spat his second to the banks of the stream, accompanied by a launch of his 5 iron. She calmly approached her ball, wiggled her hips and let loose. Avard watched as the ball arched, iridescent in the sunlight, inexorably towards the flag. It pitched about 5 yards short of the target, rolling, rolling and stopped. Then dropped into the hole, drawing a collective gasp from the onlookers. She'd only fucking eagled Champion. 

Congratulations, Coco. That fine performance of -2 has won you a cool $100,000 and has bumped Philli-stein as our course record holder and champion. TeddySander's bottle job at the last two holes cost him, finishing 2 over for his round. 

We've seen some fine performances so far...and that round from Mikhail that he isn't over yet. Who is going to be the next to step up and try to conquer Mafia Golf?

Avard glanced at the scoreboard. 

Rounds Completed:

1) Coco: -2 

2) Philli-Stein: +1

3) TeddySanders: +2 

4) William_the_Bloody: +4 

5) Mikhail: +5

From now on, anyone who beats the course record will get 5 credits too. Oh, and it is still free to enter. 

Congratulations Coco. A well played round indeed. I tip my hat to you sir.

Avard was tired from a busy day of trying to prove himself to his new boss when he finally stumbled into the clubhouse. He settled himself into a comfy chair and was about to enjoy his banana daiquiri when he glanced something out of the corner of his eye; a new name at the top of the leaderboard.

Rounds Completed:

1) Garou: -4

2) Coco: -2 

3) Philli-Stein: +1

4) TeddySanders: +2 

5) William_the_Bloody: +4 

6) Mikhail: +5

Avard couldn't believe it, Garou had played the course and managed to shoot 4 fucking under!

"Neil! Neil!" He shouted, causing one of the waiters to stop serving drinks to all of the non-existent customers and attend to their employer.

"What is it, Boss? Not enough banana?"

"No, no, no. Not that. Not today, anyway. This", Avard said, pointing at the leaderboard. "What the fuck happened? Why wasn't I called?"

Neil shrugged, "sorry, Boss nobody could get hold of you when the Winchester Outfit ran aground. Garou was here and wanted to play a round so we didn't feel like we could say no."

"Well of course you couldn't say no bu-"

"So," Neil said without missing a beat, merely raising an eyebrow at the interruption. "It. Was. Amazing! After a bogey at the first, he carved open Trollbait, a bloody eagle, and followed it up with back to back birdies at the 3rd and 4th."

"Christ," Avard said picturing it.

"Unbelievable, right? If he hadn't had that disaster at the 5th, who know what he would have done?"

"Wait," Avard frowned. "He had a disaster at the TLOWITC and still shot -4?!"

"Oh yeah, he took a double bogey. Bunker, topped, bunker. Looked like it was going to unsettle him, but he bounced right back with birdies at incognito and Anita. Took a par on Pole Position and then rounded it off with a great finish at Champion. Holed out from 15ft for a birdie."

"15ft?"

"15 fucking feet," Neil said with a laugh.

Avard couldn't believe he had managed to miss the new course record. He let Neil get back to not serving anyone because nobody bothered to turn up, least of all his Don, and returned to his table with his banana daiquiri. He wondered who would be next to have a round and made a promise to himself to make sure he was there to see it. 

Several challengers emerged to try and take the crown from where it sat, glistening in the sunshine, slightly ajar atop Garou's sweaty pate. The first combatant was a regular on the AvardTa National course, trying to undo his horror triple bogey on the 5th which blighted his previous attempt. TeddySanders was still 50% charm and 50% mustache as he swaggered from hole to hole, this time sans Coco for company.

Unfortunately, his round started in exactly the same manner as his previous effort, a bogey on Takedown, which had many observers (and we have plenty of fucking observers to this, don't you worry) questioning whether he was getting worse. He quickly silenced them with an eagle at Trollbait, consolidated with a par at the 3rd, before spreading the proverbial ass cheeks of Purge List and slipping a little digit inside to claim a birdie. He was 2 under at the nearly halfway stage and he had the confident look of a man who was buggering his way to glory.

That confidence was sadly misplaced because he went to absolute shite from there. A run of three bogeys at 5, 6 and 7 left him needing something special out of Pole Position and Champion to even threaten the leaderboard. Instead he folded like a deckchair. His driver looked like was on vacation his putter went colder than a snowman's shit. He perfectly coupled a double bogey at the second last with another double bogey at the last, leaving him to trudge away with a Mikhail for his day's work. +5.

The second golfer was looking for some downtime from the fight game. He politely informed me that he had been taking lessons from Drax and had managed to copy his technique perfectly. Not knowing two dicks about Drax's prowess on the course, I do not know whether this was a good thing or a lot of wasted effort. Regardless, Boydy cancelled out an early dropped shot at the 1st with a very nice 4 at Trollbait to return to level after 2.

A couple of difficult holes followed, with bogeys at 3 and 4, which he blamed on his caddie, HunterSolomon, for rudely dying before carrying the bag for him. He managed to come back strong with a par at the 6th, followed by a stunning eagle at Incognito. He was level through 6 and poised to make a challenge that would leave Garou's course record under threat. 

It proved to be a different tale for the country's second best lottery operator. Anita refused to give up her goods, forcing him to take a par. Pole Position stubbornly refused to allow his ball to drop; he took three putts when in a position for an eagle and by the time he reached Champion, it was evident he would not be one. A flaccid 5 at the last led to a rather anti-climatic +1 scorecard.

This meant that Garou remained champ of the course and no money needed to be pulled from the greedy paws of a certain AvardT.remendous. Good times. 

Would any other challengers manage to topple the -4 course record? Eve was frantically clearing her schedule to get a tee time and @JohnnyDickfingers and @JohnnyHardNuts were going to have a two ball to finally settle once and for all who was the king of the Johnnys. Exciting times ahead and still free to play...  

Avard looked across at Johnny_Dickfingers, who was standing on the tee, knee bent, one pecker-ridden hand pressed against his hip, with woolen cardigan and cool demeanor both threatening to unravel.

"I'm really sorry about this, Johnny," Avard said looking again at his watch. JonnyHardNuts was late. Really, really late. Almost like he kept ignoring the dice bets Avard had been sending him, kinda late. "He said he would be here..."

Johnny_Dickfingers didn't answer, just peeled one of his eponymous phallic fingers from his club and pointed it menacingly at Avard. 

"Woah, woah, woah! Let's not doing anything hasty now."

"Why not? You told me I could get a round in and I'm stood here with my 11 dicks swinging in the wind!" Johnny snapped.

Avard gave one last frantic glance over his shoulder, hoping to see the distinctive Hawaiian shirt of JonnyHardNuts flapping in the breeze. Instead, he just saw the luscious rolling hills of the AvardTa National course, sprawling majestically in front of him. For once, even the natural beauty of the magnificently sculpted greens and heavenly bronzed sand of the bunkers couldn't lift his spirits. 

"I've got an idea....if Jonny doesn't turn up, I'll get you another playing partner, alright? I'm sure there must be someone out there who wants to win up to $2,000,000, right?" Avard said, before trailing off, perhaps prophetically...

Not all heroes wear capes, but for AvardT, at least one of them wears a hoodie and sports a handsome mustache. TeddySanders deposited his clubs down with a triumphant thunk as he arrived to Avard's rescue. "Hey Johnny," He said, offering his hand out for a gentlemanly shake, before thinking better of it and giving him something between a wave and a thumbs up, anything to avoid touching his mangled pointers.

"Oh praise the Lord," Avard whispered, thanking all of his lucky stars that he wasn't going to be taking a double digit dicking on the first hole. "Ted, you're stepping in for JonnyNoNuts?"

Teddy gave Avard his best grin. "I'm going to rip this bitch a new one," he said, before pointing at Johnny_Dickfingers, "and then that bitch is gonna owe me lunch".

Johnny didn't rise to the bait. "Are you here to play golf or flirt with this retard?" He flicked his head in Avard's direction. 

"Golf, sir. And I should warn you," Teddy answered with a not so subtle wink to Avard, "I've played more than a few rounds in my time. Hm."

"Training is essential. No exceptions, no excuses." Retorted Johnny, approaching the tee and whipping back his driver with a flamboyant flourish that would make a peacock jealous. He crushed it through the ball, bulleting it off into the distance, with a sly look over his shoulder at the gobsmacked viewers. "That's the Dickfingers' way."

Avard and TeddySanders looked at each other. It was a miracle he couldn't even grip the club, let along dominate with it.

TeddySanders, in his third effort at the course, was managing to get worse and his challenge to Johnny_Dickfingers looked dead before it was even off the ground; another Takedown victim. He was 2 over after the first, whilst Johnny stole a rare birdie from the tough opening hole. Sanders had to rally and did that with a solid birdie on the 2nd, only be eclipsed by Johnny_Dickfingers' phallic charm with an eagle 3.

"You told me he wasn't very good!" Ted snapped as Johnny_Dickfingers second shot pitched on the edge of the green, rolled calmly towards the hole and politely deposited itself right in the middle of the cup for back to back eagles. TeddySanders gave Avard his most menacing glare.

"The guy has dicks for fingers, Ted. Dicks. For fingers. Dickfingers, man. I don't even know how he is fucking alive, let along the next Bobby Jones!"

"And that as well," Teddy said, bitterly slamming his putter back into his bag. 

"What?"

"Let along. Let along," he said, doing a very effeminate impression of Avard. "It is let alone, you fucking dummy. LET A-FUCKING-LONE!"

Avard wisely decided not to say anything as Teddy stormed off. He was 1 over after 3 holes and getting his ass handed to him by Johnny_Dickfingers and his colossal -5 in the same period. Somewhere, JonnyHardNuts was laughing his ass off that he had avoided being proven to be the inferior Jo[h]nny. 

Things went from bad to worse from there. Dickfingers rolled in an easy 4 footer for par, staying -5 through the first four holes, but knew the hardest 3 holes on the course were yet to play and wasn't cheering anything too mightily; he remained at half-mast. TeddySanders on the other hand was doing a tremendous job of fucking up even the easy holes, with an out of bounds shot on Purge List recording only the second ever triple bogey; incidentally he also owns the other one on the next hole from his second round.

He managed not to repeat that feat and clawed one back from Johnny's semen-encrusted claws when he three putted at the 5th. Back to back pars at Incognito and Anita saw Dickfingers drop another shot, with Ted finally finding some sort of range with a birdie and par.

"Enjoying yourself, John?" Avard asked as he struggled to keep up with the quick pace being set, partly due to Johnny's long strides and party because Teddy was charging from hole to hole in a towering rage at how shit he was playing.

"Nothing skillful, nothing fancy," Johnny replied, trying and failing to sound interesting. Noticing Avard wasn't following him, he stopped and gestured at the message sewn across the arse of his woolen trews. Avard bent down and squinted to read it.

"That's the Dickfingers' way?" He said, still no clearer to what the fuck he was talking about.

"That's the Dickfingers' way" Johnny said proudly, like they had reached a mutual revelation.

Avard sighed, "I think it's your shot."

It wasn't, Avard was a spoon. It was Teddy's lead and he teed off rather well on Pole Position, desperately trying to avoid becoming a two-time Mikhail, maybe even resulting in a name change of that particular score. His birdie at the 8th meant that was very unlikely; he moved to +2 and tied his best effort with one to play. 

If anyone was stood near Johnny_Dickfingers as he played the same hole, they probably heard him say something nonsensical whilst looking nonsensical, if his time on the course was anything to go by. However, in the context of the match, it probably would have been "hold my beer". He got another fucking eagle and the colour was draining out of Avard's face faster than Johnny's manicurist. He was -6 and not only in danger of becoming the champion, also rinsing AvardT for a cool 2 milli. 

The eagle had earned Johnny the honour at the last and his tee shot was a little wayward. Teddy stepped up quickly behind him hoping, at least, to go better than he ever had before, justifying the 300 lessons he had taken since his last round. Unfortunately, it ended with a bit of a whimper for both, with neither really threatening and only taking bogeys at the last.

However, that was the only similarity between them, not least because one of them had 10 dicks at the end of his hands, but also because Teddy had produced a mediocre-at-best +3, whilst Johnny King-of-the-Jo[h]nnys Dickfingers had tabled a whopping -5. A new course record.

The clubhouse's record had a proud new name at its summit.

THE AVARDTA NATIONAL COURSE

Sponsored by Eve, Don of the Eve crew, Detroit.

"Make golf great again!"

 

Rounds Completed:

Johnny_Dickfingers -5

Garou: -4

Coco: -2 

Philli-Stein: +1

Boydy +1 

TeddySanders: +2 

TeddySanders: +3

William_the_Bloody: +4 

TeddySanders: +4

Mikhail: +5

Could anyone depose the new champion? Would they manage to prize even more money from AvardT? Would they have 10 normal fingers? All these questions and more... (assuming people play) 

Teddy retired back to the clubhouse, slumped down in a chair kicked his shoes off in temper and lit a cigarette, a frustrated look was on his face, his study his score card a +3 not a terrible round but his third attempt at this course and he was still unable to get even hit a round of PAR. Teddy tore up the score card in anger and threw it in the bin. He looked at AvardT sitting in the club house.

"Tomorrow i will get par or better!" he snapped throwing his arms about.

Teddy sat back in the chair and for now enjoyed his cigarette watching the golfers out the window

Johnny walked proudly across the clubhouse and into the bar. The rich green blazer he’d had made, felt good. Luxurious and strong. A dignified cut that said ‘I’m the big winner and I’m better than you’. He stood next to the leaderboard and enjoyed the way the wide-cut wrists allowed his massive hands freedom to gesture at his newly etched name right there st the top. He turned to shoot a smug grin at AvardT. 

Avard raised a contemptuous eyebrow at the sight of the ridiculous jacket and begrudgingly filled out the banking slip for Johnny’s winnings. Dickfingers sauntered over and plucked the draft from Avard’s reluctant hand. 

“Thank you my good man! It was a pleasure.”

AvardT scoffed and mumbled something unpleasant about Johnny’s magnificent jacket. 

Since Johnny_Dickfingers became the undisputed king of Mafia Golf, challengers have been positively streaming in to depose him.

The first was the finest 5 united Wise Guy in the country, Taradiddle. He might not be able to sell enough weed to get a college party off the ground, but he knew his way around the holes. A glorious eagle to open up his round was followed by a birdie at the 2nd. His 3 under through the first two holes was defying expectations that he was going to be dogshit, it was a real turn up for the books. 

With his confidence on the rise, he promptly dropped a shot at Should I take a Pro? leading to much nodding of heads and confirmation that this was the demise we had all been expecting. Taradiddle though, had other fucking ideas. An excellent putt on the par 3, Purge List, saw him shave another off his score and he was back to threatening the leaderboard.

Then friends, then....something truly memorable happened. A date for diaries around the world, I'm sure. Taradiddle. Tara-fucking-diddle Underscore, rolled a perfect 1000 and got the very first -3 on the AvardT National course - a hole in one! Everyone went nuts, myself, Neil the barman, even Mikhail raised an eastern eyebrow in alarm whilst Tara was tearing shit up. Johnny_Dickfingers looked like he was Johnny_Arsefingers and each and every one had just vacated their bowels all over his brand new green jacket. He wasn't even going to wear it long enough to justify cutting the cotton out of the pockets - Tara was -6 through 5 holes.

Two of the easiest and the two hardest holes on the course stood between Taradiddle_ and destiny. Incognito was nervelessly taken behind the bike sheds for a par after all of the excitement of the hole in one. Three holes away from taking Johnny's crown, his record and his livelihood. Johnny's wife was putting the call in to Sarai to find the name of a good divorce lawyer and Avard was frantically trying to move some cash around, which is a polite way of saying pull $2,000,000 out of his arse.

A very nervy tee shot at Anita halted a little of the panic sweeping through the gallery. He could only save a bogey. He was level with Dickfingers with 2 to go; the two toughest on the course. Johnny's eagle on Pole Position had been one of the main reasons he had dethroned Garou and Tara knew emulating that would make all the difference. He stepped up to the tee and, to use a technical term, "spaffed his load all over his trousers". A terrible tee shot, a slice straight into the bunker and a piss poor attempt to get it out; a bogey followed. 

Tara was -4 playing the last. A birdie at Champion and he was tied with Johnny_Dickfingers at -5 for the course record, a par and he was an admirable second place alongside a Garou; a bogey and he was in with the shitters. What did our challenger do with heroism beckoning, calling out his name, demanding every fibre of his being stand up and be counted? He got another bogey. From -6, to -3 and Tara's round devolved into little more than a walk around the fairways with $100,000 for his troubles.

Johnny_Dickfingers gave him a departing 11 dick salute and was nearly thrown out.

Taradiddle_ was a bit nervous before he was starting his round, after gotten invited by AvardT. But he kept his nerves pretty well and started quite good. He was down a lot and despite him preferring to be up a lot, he was used to being down. But this was a different game. People were actually cheering as he swung as little as possible.

He was at the tee and looked at Marlowe, asking him

Shallt thou fetch my balls if I would be to hit it from 'ere?

He wiggled his butt, hit the ball and already started walking to the bar. It took a while before people started cheering in amazement. He felt like Jester, doing magical stuff with balls, when he heard cheering from behind him. Neil went crazy and offered Taradiddle_ a bottle of champagne for hitting a hole in one. Taradiddle_ accepted and instantly started celebrating by downing it.

He was getting pretty tipsy, and so was Neil, hanging in the bar when AvardT came in again

Tarafuckingdiddle, he spoke, why are't you finishing your course?

Finnish? Nonono... Non moonshoe.. Aye ammmanammerican cit.. He hiccupped.. citttzen..

As Marlowe came in with the ball he fetched from the hole, he understood that he had to continue..

Forfukkkk fourffuckssake!

He dragged himself to the next tee, and swung. He missed, he swung again, and missed.. It took him about 20 times before he hit it, and he had to hit many balls many times to finish the course..

He was exhausted and totally happy that he finished.. He just wondered why people keot yelling four after he hit.

With Tarariddle_'s hole-in-hole celebratory round of drinks still being enjoyed in the clubhouse bar, TeddySanders had his fourth attempt at breaking par. He didn't, surprisingly. All he managed to demonstrate was that he was still garbage, equaling his own best score of +2 with virtually no highlights whatsoever in a round of 3 birdies, 3 pars and 3 bogeys. So instead of describing that, I'm going to give you a bit of Mafia Golf trivia:

Did you know?

Hole 9 (Champion) is the most difficult hole on the course and only two players have ever gone under par on it; Garou with a birdie in a then all-conquering round of -4 and Coco, who claimed an unlikely eagle.Better than hearing about Teddy's dubious mustache shitting itself around the course, right?

Wow, amazing.

Anyway, with Teddy's tail tucked between his legs for the next few hours, another familiar face returned hoping for better days, William_the_Bloody. Billy Bloody was one of the very first people to take up Mafia Golf and his score of +4 was, albeit temporarily, a course record at the time. He now knew he would need to go some 10 shots better than that if he was to take Johnny's green jacket and the odds of him doing so were slim. 

Despite that, early signs were optimistic with an opening salvo of birdie, par, birdie, eagle, giving him a prestigious -4 scorecard coming through Purge List. The site of Tarariddle_'s hole in one wasn't quite so king to BB who take a bogey, but admirably repaired the damage at the next to continue to threaten. 

A call went out to Dickfingers to let him know there was a serious threat to his position as top dog. Maybe it was the thought of a man with 10 penises dribbling in his vicinity that put him off or maybe it was just a wicked turn in the weather. Regardless, a disappointing bogey at the 7th was followed with an @Even more disappointing double bogey at Pole Position. He was -1 for the day and only shithousery of Tarariddle_ proportions would put a dampener on Johnny's continual "I'm the best" parties. 

It wasn't to be despite a respectable par on Champion, which saw William_the_Bloody table a 1 under par round and place him 5th on the leaderboard. He collected his cheque for $100,000 from AvardT, which appeared to have more than a little spit on it, and left in good spirits. A similar improvement next time and he might very well be king of the castle in the future.

Taradiddle_ was totally sobered up. It reminded him of some Tuesday, now about three years ago..
It had been raining all day long and Aomame's late father, who was pretty lazy as well, had refused to go to the liquor store on the Monday preceding said Tuesday.
On itself, it was not that bad, as he could sent Marlowe's late father, as well, that very Tuesday.
So he did.

But this great romantic came back, telling of how the police had raided the dwelling that contained the illegal store, leaving no opportunity to buy any booze for Taradiddle_ before soberness kicked in.

Anyway.. Here he was, trembling. All sober because he fucked up his last course by drinking halfway. He did slightly wonder, though, whether the trembling would be helpful..

Should I just take a small shot before swinging?

But there he met AvardT, who he had asked to accompagny him around the course, smiling, gentle as ever.

All right, Taradiddle_ said, let's try the first half sober.

He accepted AvardT's club and was ready to wear the green thing soonish..